• Member Since 20th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 16th, 2018

Thunderstorm823


T
Source

As one of her personal guards, I've grown attached. I feel in love, they all say it's impossible for a Guard to love. But I'm proving it wrong, someday I hope that I can get my feelings out. Or maybe just hold her at the dead of the night. Who knows?

The Guard is Luna's size.

(Art was made by Ostfront "Princess Luna")

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 67 )

It's good. A few grammatical problems at the beginning, but otherwise it kept me entertained.

I enjoyed this. Good writing!

Easily overlooked grammatical problems aside, this was really well made. Although I don't see why Celestia would be so angry. If Luna didn't want Thunder in her room, she could have easily thrown him out herself; she IS a goddess after all.

 (BTW, The guard is about Luna's size so.)

I feel like you should move that to the start of the story. It is unusual to be over half way through a story and still be building the character for the reader.

Aside from that, and a few grammar problems, I loved the idea.

Luna's battle scarred personal guard confesses his feelings for her and they share an intimate night of passion.

Thumbs up.

Just like the other comments/reviews, just a few grammatical errors, but other than that, pretty good story! :twilightsmile:

By Luna's size, do you mean penis? :trollestia:

2733408

If so, nonexistant, because Luna is a mare. :trollestia:

2733434 Yes I do, nice troll by the way.

2733437
Eh, wasn't really trolling ya. Just saw that line and wanted to be funny. :rainbowlaugh:

2733447 Good joke, that was hilarious, it made my day.

I see all the people passing by

Little did we all know, this was really just an early parody fic of EqG!~ (Equestrian Girls((MLP Movie)))

2733456 Not really. I wanna see that movie though!

2733457


... I was trying to make a joke whilst pointing out this little mistake ya made... :raritydespair:

2733463 Well I made this before I saw the trailer, so I didn't know. But if you read more of it, You'll find that everything was speeding up and he was the only one slow.

2733474

... I'm sorry, I'm half asleep, tired, and suffering from constant headaches and recovering from a wicked blow to the head. Mind explaining what you said? All I said was that I pointed out a mistake ya made while trying to make a petty joke in an attempt to get ya to giggle.

2733490 Well you did make me giggle. I think explaining it would hurt your head more, so I won't save you the trouble.

2733505 ... No offense, but it looked like what you said there was said maliciously.

I think explaining it would hurt your head more,

AH'M NAUT STOOPID!

But yeh, you make a small mistake in the story of mistaking ponies for humans "People", a term used when referring to humans.

2733513 I know, I know. I forgot to send this to my proof reader. So that's why It's a little messed up. lol.

2733520 Nyeh. Well, all that aside, if ya want, I can give your story a good honest review. It'd take a while, but I can do it if ya want.

2733524 If it's a review about how bad it is then go ahead! XD I'm just kidding, sure.

2733534


A review on how bad it is? That's ain't a review, bud! That's a list! But yeh, if you want one, I'll get on it, then. :twilightsmile:

2733541 Actually I changed my mind, I am not in the mood for a review. Sorry but really I got a lot of bad ones in my previous stories. Sorry for the inconveniences.

2733547 Oh. Well, alright. If it helps, I'm known for being incredinice on all of my reviews. Only time I'm ever mean about it is if the author was a jerk about it. I've yet to see ya be a jerk. But, if that's what ya want, then I'm shiggy diggy with it.

Luz

Never give up, you give up now

....
....
....

2733557 I'm not a jerk, I don't like people who do that.

2733560 Your comment is invalid.

2733563 Vell, again,

I'm known for being incredinice on all of my reviews.

Yer choice, though. Ah just hate it whenever someone says no.

Luz

2733567 Your reply is invalid.

2733570 Alright, fine. I give up, Go ahead if you want. I could use a good review.

2733576 Nyeeeeeh. K. Be right back with le-review.

2733583 Your stating of his invalidation of your reply of his post referencing an old meme making no sense is incorrect.

2733608 But it is invalid, it has nothing to do with giving someone up. It's just never give up. not Never gonna give you up. Like I said it makes no sense.

2733624 ... He's referencing the meme because it sounds close to it, and can be misread to read "Never gonna give you up", rather than "Never give up, you[...]"

2733642 :facehoof: Okay, I get it. Sorry, I can be a egghead sometimes.

Alright, well, since this is a review, I’m not gonna focus too much on the grammar. At least, besides stating the overall things that blanket pretty much what’s not working.

So, I’m going to be as blunt as possible. Your grammar needs work. A lot of it. It’s not a good sign for a reader of the first sentence into a story they read both looks wrong, reads out loud wrong, and is incorrect. I’d elaborate more on it, but it’s one mistake among many, and you’ve already said that you forgot to get it to your pre reader, so I assume you are doing so and will update with fixes and whatnot added.

Anyway, looking this over, this story seems rushed to no end. You introduce things with little to no warning, and they seem to have, again, little to no impact on the story itself. The whole ‘Sargent’ thing seemed to impact next to nothing, yet it was delivered as if it were a major plot point. So was the whole war. King Metamorphosis, who I’m assuming is the Rule63 version of Queen Chrysalis, was mentioned in passing, yet we know nothing of him. Readers have to assume that he’s someone important and have no evidence of it. Honestly, this story SEEMS like it could be something incredibly awesome. It has a lot of points in which you could expand it to make it more worthwhile. Since it’s rushed, though, we’re left empty and unfulfilled.

That’s all I can really say on this story. Hope it ain’t too harsh for ya!

~Axel Nyan

2733711 I knew it. My grammar always sucks.

2733717 Mm. Well, it ain't such a problem, really. It's easy to fix. Everytime you write stuff, after you're done, read it over and pick out all the mistakes. Then do it again. It's what you're pre-readers do(supposedly).

2733754 My next story will be proof read I promise.

2733758 Mm. Good on ya!

This would be better if it wasent so rushed.:applejackunsure:

2734247 dident say i dident like it. Just saying it could be better. :derpytongue2:

2734250 I was joking, I know it could of been better. But if you checked out my other stories, this story is ten times as better.

2734255 Ah, good luck in future storys:pinkiehappy: P.S. Nice pic

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