Nerd Rage!

by Boomstick Mick

Fluttershy's Ark pt.1

James glared, his foot tapping impatiently against the stone floor as he waited for the portal to open beneath him and Fluttershy. "Does this always take this long?" he finally said.

Luna poured her magical energies in the creation of the portal between dimensions, grimacing with the effort. "Your world is not only separated by space, but by the fabric of our very dimensions; this is a difficult task."

The Nerd's visage softened ever so slightly as he felt a pang of empathy for the perspiring princess. "Eh, I know a thing or two about difficult tasks. Ever play Silver Surfer?"

"Don't talk to me," Luna strained. "You'll make me lose focus. Please, just be patient."

"Patience," The Nerd scoffed. "Patience is for assholes."

"Then you should have plenty," sallied Rainbow Dash.

"Hey." James extended his middle finger. "You see this?"

Rainbow Dash cocked her head to the side. "What's that supposed to mean?"

The Nerd extended his middle finger again, but in a way that was more incredulous than aggressive. "You don't know what this means?"

Rainbow Dash extended her forelegs to reveal to the human what was at the end of them. "Hooves, dipshit."

James scowled. "It means you're distilled essence of diarrhea drizzled over ten gallons of unslapped bitch. Now fuck off, before you catch these hands."

He then turned his attention to Fluttershy. "I was going to have you play some Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, but I think I'll save that putrid, bubbling anal fissure of frothing butthole milk for that fucking rainbow cunt."

Fluttershy looked at him innocently. "Please, don't be angry with her, Mister Nerd." She paused for a moment, reaching for the magical words that might placate him. "She, uh, she can be a little outspoken from time to time, but she means well."

"She means to piss me off!" James snapped.

Fluttershy coward before him, shaking.

Twilight Sparkle seemed to be concerned by the interaction between the two. "Princess Celestia?" she said, "I really don't want to leave Fluttershy alone with him; she's fragile"

"Thirty seconds," Luna called out.

"Would you like to accompany them?" Princess Celestia asked. "This could be a valuable learning experience for you."

"You're sure that's okay?" Twilight Sparkle replied.

The Princess smiled. "I wouldn't have offered you the opportunity if I wasn't sure. Another world would be like a whole new land of opportunities for you to learn."

"Thank you, Princess," Twilight Sparkle cheered, elated. "I promise to learn as much as I can while I'm on the other side." And then she skipped toward the area where the portal would open, situating herself protectively between The Nerd and Fluttershy.

The Nerd stroked his chin pensively between his thumb and forefinger. "You might regret this decision. You stare into the abyss of shitty games, the abyss of shitty games stares back."

"I'm not one to back down from a challenge, especially if new knowledge is the reward for overcoming it," Twilight said defiantly.

The Nerd sighed. "I'm warning you, you should do what The Irate Gamer's dad should have done and pull out before it's too late."

Twilight Sparkle blinked. "The Irate who?"

"Never mind."

"Ten seconds!" Luna announced.

"Twilight Sparkle," Celestia said, "before you leave, allow me to impart a word of warning to you: it may be as you've said, the human's rage could very well be contagious. Don't let it suck you in."

"Good word use," The Nerd interjected.

Twilight Sparkle ignored him. "You've no cause for concern, princess," she promised. "If push comes to shove, I'll use the stress-relieving techniques Cadence taught me." She then demonstrated, inhaling, extending her hoof, then exhaling.

"Cadence taught you well," Celestia nodded in approval. "I've naught but the utmost faith in you."

The Nerd scoffed. "You really think pantomiming a Nazi salute while having an asthma attack is going to help you in my world? You're going to need medication by the time this shit is over."

Twilight refused to rise to the bait. "I'd rather utilize techniques to help me deal with my emotions than express them in a volatile manner."

"Yeah, you know," Rainbow Dash put in, "kinda like you."

James's eye twitched. He had had just about enough of the raibow-maned mare's shit. He reached for a pen in his pocket. It was a special pen, improvised for encounters such as the one in which he had now found himself. "Let me show you another way to relieve stress," he said, uncapping the pen, then placing its hollowed out tube between his lips.

Twilight Sparkle regarded him with a curious caution. "What are you doing...?"

"Hey, Rainbow Cunt!" The Nerd mumbled with the pen between his teeth.

Rainbow Dash replied with, "What?" just before the mucusey projectile hit her between the eyes. She wiped it away furiously.

James grabbed his groin with his left hand, extended the middle finger on his right, and he began his descent into the safety of the portal. "Bye Felicia!" came his parting taunt.

Rainbow Dash, well beyond the capacity for threats and unpleasentries, charged toward him before he could get away, but her efforts were for naught, as the last she saw of him was his middle finger extending from the portal before it sank.

---

Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle found themselves sitting on The Nerd's couch, from which the human had singlehandedly turned the reviewing of shitty games into an art form, which would be imitated but never duplicated by many a hack for years to come.

"Home sweet home!" James exclaimed before springing from the couch, eager to get started.

Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy sat on his couch, looking around at their new surroundings with wide eyes. They noticed the rows upon rows of games which filled his wooden shelves to capacity.

"How is it that these seemingly harmless plastic objects have the ability to induce so much wrath?" The lavender princess mused.

James turned around after he turned his television on. "Hey, guitar guy. Where you at?"

The two mares sitting on The Nerd's couch nearly jumped out of their skins when they looked back and saw another human ascending from depths behind the sofa."What?" The human in question asked in an agitated tone.

"Get me a beer," The Nerd barked. "And sing my theme song for my guests, will you? It might give them a little taste of things to come."

"Pfff. You wake me up from my legless dog dream for that? Get your own goddamn beer, and I'm not your performing monkey to dance for you whenever you snap your fingers," he said, before beginning his descent to the place from which he had seemingly materialized.

"Who in the hoof was that?" Twilight and Fluttershy blurted out in unison.

"That's Guitar Guy," James replied as he ambled across the room to grab a Roll'n Rock from his mini fridge. He twisted the cap off and took a generous gulp. "He lives behind the couch."

Twilight Sparkle looked stupefied. "He... lives behind your couch?"

"Yep," replied The Nerd, and then he plopped his ass down on the sofa between them.

"Why does he live behind you couch?" Fluttershy asked with genuine interest.

James kicked off his shoes. "Because, there's no other couches to go behind."

"Where did he come from?"

James shrugged. "Shit, fuck if I know. I just got up to take a shit one day, came back to the game room, and he was just back there." He took another pull from his bottle, emptied it, and set it on the small coffee table in front of him. "Can we stop talking about the asshole behind the couch and play some shitty games, already?" He then sank back in his sofa and kicked his socked feet up on the table.

Fluttershy, not knowing where or how to start, could only look at The Nerd, perplexed.

James pointed toward the rack containing his massive collection of NES games. "Pick one."

"Oh, uh, okay, then..." Fluttershy hovered to the rack of games, and her eyes scanned the labels.

James watched her until he felt a tug on his shirt. He looked at the lavender alicorn sitting next to him. "What do you want?"

"Is there anyway I can help out?"

"No," came the Nerd's curt reply. "Just sit back and bask in the shittiness."

"But, I came here to learn and experience new things!" Twilight insisted.

James frowned at her.

"Oh, fine," Twilight said somberly before she turned away from him. She curled herself up into a sulking purple ball of butthurt at the end of the couch.

James's scowl grew deeper as the mare's sulking brought on a twinge of guilt. "Fine!" he yielded. He pushed himself up from the couch, scooped the princess up in his arms, and carried her to the corner of the game room, where his bean bag chair lay next to his computer desk.

"Put me down!" Twilight protested, a demand that The Nerd was quick to oblige. He let her go, allowing her to abruptly flop down on the beanbag. "You, sir," she huffed as she struggled to situate herself, "are the most misanthropic, abhorrent, anal retentive—" her string of chiding dialogue trailed off as she sat down and allowed herself to sink into the beanbag. She bounced her rump on the chair and mused, "this is actually kinda comfy..."

The Nerd selected a rectangular device from a drawer in his computer desk. "It's called a beanbag. It's stuffed with the testicles of my enemies."

"It doesn't surprise me in the least that you have enemies," Twilight commented with a wry smile. "Wait, it's stuffed with what?"

"Nothing," James responded. "Here, you want to play a game? Sit there, shut the fuck up, and play this." He tossed the device to her. Twilight managed to catch it with her telekinetic magic before it could bounce off her head.

"What is it?" She asked, beholding the device in wonderment.

"It's called a 3DS," The Nerd tossed over his shoulder as he sauntered back to his couch.

Twilight Sparkle inspected the curious device with a look of intrigue. "Is this '3DS' a, what do you call it, shitty game?"

"That depends," replied The Nerd. "What's in it?"

Twilight resumed her inspection of the device. She unfolded it, then experimentally pushed the small button near the bottom screen. Her eyes widened in surprise as the screens lit up. She slowly read the title out loud: "Phoenix Wright: Ace attorney... That sounds pretty shitty!" she said enthusiastically. "I can't wait to play this...this..." She reached for description that The Nerd might use. "Bastard licking, buffalo cornholing... fuckness?"

The Nerd cracked a smile. "Nice try, but that's actually a good game."

"Well," Said Twilight, "I'm going to play this anyway." She relaxed in the cushy beanbag chair, resting the back of her head against her forelegs as she utilized her telekinesis to levitate the 3DS above her and manipulate the stylus.

"Knock yourself out," said The Nerd indifferently. He then turned his attention on the pink and yellow mare on the other side of the room, who seemed to be overwhelmed by the plethora of choices in front of her.

"Pick one yet?" He asked.

Afraid that she may be arousing The Nerd's anger, she quickly a cartridge at random. "Uhm, h-how about this one?" She held out the game for The Nerd to see.

"River City Ransom?" James shook his head. "Nah, that's a good game. Try again."

"Any recommendations?" Fluttershy asked as she slipped the cartridge back into the shelf.

"I don't know," he said thoughtfully. "Ikari warriors, maybe?"

There was the sudden strumming of a guitar emanating from behind the couch. ♪Where did their hair go?♪ sang Guitar Guy.

James hit the couch with his fist. "Shut the fuck up back there, I'm trying to think."

He turned back to where Fluttershy had been, but she was no longer in front of the rack of NES games. She had somehow got distracted by his pet cat.

Fluttershy sat on the ground with James's bombay shorthair in her lap. "You like that?" she cooed as she gently rubbed the sides of the cat's neck. "Oh, you're just the cutest little thing!" She wrapped her forelegs tightly around the feline, who, much to James's surprise, didn't mind that a stranger was raining such intense affection on him.

"Have a thing for cats, do you?"

"Yes," Fluttershy replied. "Not just cats, but all animals." The cat purred contentedly as Fluttershy rubbed the tip of her muzzle against the cat's nose.

The Nerd felt himself becoming ill as Fluttershy's display of affection conveyed a state of happiness that he didn't necessarily condone. But then, The Nerd had an idea. He had an awful idea. The Nerd had an awful, wonderful idea. A malevolent smile darkened his face. "Love animals, huh?"

Fluttershy looked at him, and when she noticed the smile on his face, she looked as if she had become uneasy. She nodded nervously, sensing the malignant waves of pure assholism emanating from the human.

The cat, sensing The Nerd's evil bubbling within him, desperately thrashed its way out of Fluttershy's forelegs and loped for the exit.

The Nerd walked strait to the game rack, traced the unorganized collection of games with his finger for the odd powder blue cartridge, like a torturer selecting the tool which he would use on his prisoner. He looked back and smiled a wide, toothy grin at Fluttershy as he slowly pulled the strange, deformed game cartridge from its place. He then thrust it toward her.

Fluttershy winced and looked away as she felt the waves of putrid shittyness emanating from the cartridge. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "This is what shittyness feels like?"

"Sucks, doesn't it?" The Nerd smirked.

"Can you just tell me what the game is like, so i'm at least prepared for what I'm about to play?" She pleaded.

The Nerd slid the cartridge into his NES top loader. "The objective of the game is to—

"Hey, this Larry Butz guy is funny!" Twilight Sparkle interrupted, absolutely captivated by the text-heavy title she had been playing.

The Nerd shot her a scowl before continuing on with his explanation. "The objective of the game is to—

"Hey, the judge kinda reminds me of Star Swirl The Bearded," Twilight Sparkle interrupted him again.

The Nerd shot her another irritated glance. "The objective of the games is to--

"OBJECTION!" Twilight Sparkle yelled excitedly.

"Shut the fuck up!" James finally snapped.

"Sheesh, sorry!" Twilight Sparkle waved a casual hoof at him from the beanbag chair, not bothering to take her eyes from the game.

"Anyway," The Nerd continued, "the objective is to carry animals into a large boat called an Ark, in order to rescue them from a flood."

"Oh," Fluttershy answered in surprise, "so, you're rescuing animals? That actually sounds kinda fun."

The Nerd tossed the NES controller, letting it thud silently on the floor in front of her. "Prepare to be surprised."

Comments

[D4RTH4NN3]

I FUCKING LOVE THE AVGN!!!! THIS IS THE BEST STORY

[Zekromic]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AWOL account]

2763558 Same fuck'n thing I was thinking!

[zsewqthewolf]

OH GOD NO! you give her that bible game didn't you, i can see her anger and pissed off face now

[NocturneD85]

oh the ponies cussing at each other would be great

[RagingPonyRider]

I saw another fic featuring the AVGN, but this one looks a lot better and a hell of a lot funnier, too!
When I first read the first chapter, I thought this was going to some half-assed crossover mishmash, but this is going great so far! I'm definitely following this!
I don't know why, but the ponies cursing at each other is fucking hilarious! (Oh great, see, now you've go me doing it, along with RD!"

[delet this]

2763876 Seriously, if you watch, or read enough of a reviewer, you start talking like them, case and fucking point here, For me it's mainly Zero Punctuation. Goddamnit, you've got me cursing now aswell! How the fuck did that happen? Maybe the fact it's an AVGN Fic, I have no Fucking clue

[AWOL account]

2764558 That's not true! That's gotta be the biggest shit-load-of-fuck i have ever heard.... Oh, shit...

[delet this]

2764800 I'm currently watching Zero Punctuation, so maybe this is going to go somewhere, maybe the most retarded game of texas hold up ever, in which the cards where a joker, a get out of jail free card and a dark hole yugioh card, except that the joker was actually a console that looks like a vcr that some twat left on the table. Yeah, Zero Punctuation does that. That thing where everyone French lives on the moon, that's made of pringles, on the sun, while being drunk on a unicycle. So if you want to act normal in public, don't watch Zero Punctuation, because you will end up with barbed wire up your ass. See what I mean? Reviewers happened

[Chaotic Mind]

I can just see Fluttershy getting pissed at the game then shouting "FUCKING AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!" in that same tone used in the Grand Galloping Gala episode.

[Yinglung]

There isn't enough supply of favs in the whole world for me to give to this wonderful gem of assness goodness.
I've just had a AVGN marathon, this story simply reads sublime to me.

[AWOL account]

2767676 Holy shit, dude, thanks for the kind words
I'm just mulling it over right now, but I'm thinking of making Rarity play Atari porn games.

[Yinglung]

2768902 Great. Perhaps you can also do something about that cartridge of Wizard of Oz plastered on the ceiling, y'know?

[cornholio4]

Thanks to you I have an ürge to write a larry and twilight shipping fic

[ZombieMan]

Who in the hoof was that?

That's Guitar Guy, he lives behind the couch

Kyle: Um, I have a name you know, it's Kyle
James: No shut up your name's Guitar Guy

[Pyrotechnic]

Heh, I remember that Bible Games episode! This is really funny! I am in public now and struggling to contain my laughter.

You fucking bastard I am going to be yelled at by people for laughing too loud... FUCK YOU!

[Redwolf777sg]

2768902

And after playing those games, she'll become Lil' Miss Rarity! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

orig03.deviantart.net/f033/f/2012/136/2/4/lil_miss_rarity_by_dasdaq9537-d500fr4.png

[Gizmo Hibiki]

Update this you magnificent bastard!!

[Butcher eye]

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

[Nightspawn]

Twilight resumed her inspection of the device. She unfolded it, then experimentally pushed the small button near the bottom screen. Her eyes widened in surprise as the screens lit up. She slowly read the title out loud: "Phoenix Wright: Ace attorney... That sounds pretty shitty!" she said enthusiastically. "I can't wait to play this...this..." She reached for description that The Nerd might use. "Bastard licking, buffalo cornholing... fuckness?"

I'm guessing the idea of Twilight Playing Phoenix Wright is a reference to Turnabout Storm?