• Member Since 21st Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Twi-Guy


surround yourself with people that lift you up. so ditch all your loser friends who you cant use.

E

Everypony knows that Rarity is the spirit of generosity. Everypony knows that Rarity is also a fashion designer. What everypony doesn’t know however, is that in a world where clothes are viewed as “unnecessary, and a waste of time and money” Rarity is struggling to keep her business going.
When push comes to shove and bits are far and few in between, Rarity finds herself in a rather compromising position that could change everything forever.

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 34 )

Character tags will go far.

2715165
Key-doke. Let's just go behind the scenes here... and fixed. Better?

slowly Rarity began to rise.

I like the way you didn't stop there, but actually took the time to describe the whole rising so that we may feel how slow (and actually magical) it is and not just being told it was slow.
I quote it because at first I was like "no, you cannot just say it was slow after all the adrenaline you've put in us just the second before."
And then I realized you actually didn't make that mistake.

My point would be that maybe a slight change like "slowly Rarity began to rise:" could help understand some overly raging people like :scootangel: that it won't end there. Other than that, very good work in my eyes.

thinking with speed and clarity and moving with purpose towards Fluttershy’s cottage.

I don't know if it's due to the use of english, because I don't really understand that language, but in french we try to use the word "and" only once in a sentence if possible (or we repeat it at least three times total to mark a repetition (and again and again and even more)).

Yes, I'll almost always find some detail to discuss...

Well, off it goes and have the most fun with it :twilightblush:.

ps:

I would like to give a VERY LOUD shout out to TwiwnB without whom this story would be a whole lot worse.

I don't know who TwiwnB is (dumb name by the way) but you're the one who wrote the story and put magic in it. So it's you it's entirely your doing if the story is a whole lot better than it might have been written by someone else.

cant wait for next chapter. Good stuff mate.


You can have more than a slice of life on the poo poo conga line... you can have a slice of Rainbow Dash's ass!

2715529

Yes, join the chili train!

Loving how you paint these scenes so far. I can see exactly what you mean, which is great.

Only thing I'm wary about is the dialogue. Rarity's first words after waking up are a bit out-of-character, being a sort of info dump. Still, Sweetie seemed pretty in the money.

Enjoying it so far.

2715194 :eeyup: Now you can actually have your story found if people browse for Rarity.

“Oh, nonsense, this is perfect. By the way, great job on the salad, it looks absolutely delicious. By the way, you must share the recipe for the dressing, it is exquisite. Soo much better than anything else I can find at the store, you truly are a good cook.”

Something about using "By the way" in consecutive sentences strikes me as redundant. Lose one of them.

Good job with this! I'm glad you finally had the time to polish and publish it.
(I'm sorry for having a terrible attention span and barely helping you at all)

2715528
Thanks. I appreciate the feedback.

2715726
If I told you it was my first fic would that help? Probably not, but it is and I have no creative writing background. Bear with me, it should improve as the fic progresses.

2729951
:facehoof:, fixed. Thanks for the catch.

2736634
No worries. Now if you would like to redeem yourself I have about 10,000 + words waiting to be painstakingly scrutinized :trollestia:.

I'm sort of disappointed, because you failed to deliver on the promise of the description. I get that you need time to set up the main plot, but to put out the first 3 chapters without even hinting at the nature of Rarity's "rather compromising position" is kind of annoying.

I guess I can't fault the quality of the writing- it's fairly readable and you get the voices of most of the characters right- it's just that the plot's gone nowhere.

Also, it should really be Applejack, not "AppleJack".

That being said, I'm half-tempted to favorite this just because I want to know where the heck you're going with it.

2817509
This is a fairly long story. Don't worry, I already have the next section written and about half of the next one. Things start to pick up fairly quickly after that.

2817509
Ok, I can see how the story seems a little slow but think of it like this: have you ever listened to a symphony? Sometimes it is difficult to make out where the composer is going with his music, or even if there is a hidden theme underneath all of the seemly random and nonsensical noise. But rest assured there is a melody and it is coming sooner than you think.

2817509
Almost forgot to say it, but thank you. I didn't think the writing was that good, both descriptive and dialogue, but that was a huge encouragement. Allow me to make a shout out to TwiwnB who was and still is a huge help to the story.

2821421

Allow me to make a shout out to TwiwnB who was and still is a huge help to the story.

I knew my senses were tingling for a reason. Now why I got no notification when you put that new chapter on, that I can't understand.

I didn't think the writing was that good, both descriptive and dialogue

This is clearly your first strength and one point where I almost can't help at all. To be honest, I envy your way with words.

I get that you need time to set up the main plot, but to put out the first 3 chapters without even hinting at the nature of Rarity's "rather compromising position" is kind of annoying.

The fun thing is, if I were to write that story, it would probably be done in 6000 words at most. And that's why I would do it wrong :twilightsmile:.
Now, there are some other tricks that can be used when facing such a long story, mostly:
- even more foreshadowing (mostly clues, but also references that will only make sense after that, like those you used)
- repetition (schémas répétitifs, don't know how to translate it). It consists in using the exact same narrative structure several times (well, shouldn't be more than three times to not become annoying). Kind of long and hard to explain how it works in a commentary, but it does create a great effect (honestly, I would need a story to show it).
- tiny stakes in every chapters, like so many little disasters that have to be handled over the course of the story (you've also used it, don't worry).

Those are the tricks I usually use. But it isn't easy to master them (I know I don't).

Why did I say all that? Well... because re reading that part, I haven't much to criticize, given that it is a transition chapter.

[edit]found out why I didn't receive the notifications for the changes. Needed to favorite the story directly.

“WHAT! Why didn’t you say so. Applejacckk I need a new jobb, my hoooveesss are killlinnngg mmee.”

Valley Girl Rarity best Rarity?

2897129
https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/p75x225/1017682_561592073903294_1107418273_n.jpg

For everyone
any feedback about the emotions during the dialogue sections would be helpful. Mainly, are you getting how they are feeling without me describing their body language. Thanks :)

one thing that still bothers me is the seemingly flat way the characters talk when they go their separate ways.

I thought about that a little... (because I've got my own problems with making characters talk).

The problem for me to try and speak about that subject is that I just don't read characters talking the same way you probably do... because it's not in my language and even if it's still close, I don't think I understand the slight differences in the way things are being said.

But still, I wanted to know... maybe the reason the way the characters talk is flat (I don't know if it is, as said, I'm not really fit to judge that) is just that you use dialogue when you aren't giving useful or important information. If I take that last exchange between Rarity and Fluttershy:

“It was good catching up with you Rarity, we really should do this more often.”
“I wish I could, but work has kept me pretty busy lately. Which reminds me, I still need to deliver Applejack’s work clothes.”
“Oh, well don’t let me keep you. Thank you for the spa date... it was nice.”
“You’re very welcome dear, think nothing of it. But I really must be going.”
“Of course. See you later.”
“Ta Ta darling.”

We do learn that Rarity will go deliver Applejack's work clothes (won't spoil what is really going to happen) and that Fluttershy thought the spa date was nice. But how is this pertinent for the reader? It doesn't allow to learn anything new or confirm an information already received. Or there is something hidden between that "it was nice", but I don't think so (it seems it's just the way Fluttershy talks).

A dialogue may be flat if it doesn't bring something new to the reader. Related to the story, or just a joke or set/help set up an atmosphere.

If the things the characters (here ponies) talk about doesn't bring anything to the reader (even if they must have said something at that moment), I would advise to just use indirect dialogue.

"They both said goodbye and went their own ways."

I personnally love indirect dialogue (mostly because it allows me not to have to master direct dialogue, which I just can't use correctly).

If you want to use direct dialogue anyway, you'll need to use the dialogue to set up an atmosphere or give something about the characters. Repetition is usually very useful in that sort of circumstances (I've got to go... I've really got to go... I'm going now... I'm gone, see, not there anymore...). Or allusions to what just happened or is going to happen (I'm going back to one of my old comments about that part here, yay I'm consistent :twilightblush:). For example, an allusion to what just happened in a positive way: "I'm going home finishing my sleep." or in a negative way "No, really, thank you, I could have never afforded it."

Well, I've got to go back to work (I'm kind of late... not that it matters, but I can use the "lesson zero" episode and apply it, but with real consequences). So to conclude, I don't know much about direct dialogue, I try not to use them as much as possible, so if what I wrote there doesn't help, well, sorry. I tried. Otherwise, well... I would like to know the thoery behind how you build the dialogues, because I also struggle with them (wanted to take some example there, but that goes against my principles).

Okay, I've really got to go now.

Really...

Now.

Bye ^^.

3016186
That was great. I was running late for work too when I was reading your comment. :ajsmug:

Ok, I think you are right. It's the tail end of things and it's so predictable it's flat. I will have to read your stories to get a sense of what you mean by indirect dialogue (something that I will probably use a lot once I figure it out). As to how I set up my direct dialogue, I'm afraid I won't be of much help. All I do is look at my notes to see where I want the story to go and what the scenes should be accomplishing, set my characters in their places, and let it happen. I guess it all comes down to "how far can you get into each character's head" and "how well can you combine the character's personalities and values to achieve the affects you wanted." Beyond that I don't know what else to say except read a lot of other people's stuff and see how they did it and try to understand why it did what it did.

I have always loved animated movies and grew up with such classics as Toy Story, Shrek, Cats Don't Dance, All Dogs go to Heaven, and The Pebble and the Penguin. Granted some of these may or may not fit the definition of "animated" but the point is they were all great stories with great characters. Some other really good ones that I almost never get tired of watching are: Rio, Mega Mind, Cars, Surf's Up, Wall-E, Rango, Emperor's New Groove Ratatouille, and Happy Feet. On my to watch list are: How to Train Your Dragon (had to go to work right when it was getting good) Kung Fu Panda 2, and Toy Story 3 (which I thought was way over-hyped when I first saw it but now I want to see it again because I am thinking it was a lot better than I thought.) Point is all of these movies use dialogue and character interactions (values, expectations, personalities) very well. Not to mention that, as expected, the characters change rather quickly and the transitions are handled very well (I only bring that last one up as a tangent because I feel that we both tend to take our time and prefer to slowly change our characters.) I also find the subtle humor that is tastefully (other times not so much) integrated throughout just makes the movies thoroughly enjoyable.

Coming back to the point I was trying to make, try watching some of those movies and pay attention to how the characters talk to each other. I'm going to hazard another guess and say that you are from Germany? (Did I win? :raritystarry:) in which case I don't know if some of the meanings and voices (a huge deal when it comes to translated movies, at least to me) would be lost, distorted, or otherwise different. I couldn't ask myself to watch a movie in a different language (without subtitles, although it wouldn't be as bad) because I am terrible at languages (have I told you my Spanish story yet?), but if you ever get that feeling and have nothing better to do... :coolphoto:, Like a Boss.

3017492

I will have to read your stories to get a sense of what you mean by indirect dialogue

There are way better stories than mine to learn about the indirect dialogue :pinkiehappy:.
In my opinion, the rule is:
*if the way the character says something (for example the exact words that character uses) is important, then use direct dialogue
*in any other case, use indirect dialogue.

Also, rely on indirect dialogue to compensate the flaws. For example, if I want to make a very charismatic character tell a big speech to motivate or convince other characters, I can write the speech (and fail miserably at meeting the expectations of the reader because I'm not charismatic and I don't know what words to use) or I can use the indirect dialogue:
"She began to talk, slowly, and her imperative voice covered everyone else, muting the opposition in a powerful submission. In all that chaos, it seemed like her voice was a light which would bring them the safety and hope for victory they all wanted. For a moment, the idea of death seemed to fade away and fear left to give its place to a new and warm feeling of pride. Because, hearing her words, everyone was beginning to remember who they were and why they had come here, in the middle of nowhere, so far from their home. She reminded them of their vows, of the meaning of a loss, but even more whe reminded them of how strong they were together, how how much they had accomplished until now against all odds.
And slowly, but surely, all those men and women who were listening began to believe in her, but more importantly, they began to believe in themselves once again, just like they had done when leaving their home, so long ago..."

This is an example of indirect dialogue (rushed, but still...). The character has spoken during the whole thing, but I've never said exactly what she said. I said the subject she has handled ("we are not going to die just yet" and "we were honorable warriors once" then "you swore to protect..." and finally "we went so far and we can do more"...).
I could also have said:
"She told them they weren't dead yet and weren't going to die just like that. Then, she accused them of having become a bunch of cowards after having been such great warriors. She reminded them of the vow they had made before their departure and how much they had done, sacrificed and accomplished with those sacrifices to come so far, to this point, closer to victory than they had ever been."

Indirect dialogue is a mix of:
- giving the information the character communicates (seconde example)
- giving the reaction from those who listen (first example)

The second example lacks the reaction of the listeners, which makes it very weak...

Well, that's at least how I see and try to use the indirect dialogue. A cheap way to escape having to write actual dialogues (which makes my fantasy about writing an mlp fim episode absurd. It's not in my nature to write dialogue when an mlp fim episode is probably entirely written around the dialogues of the characters...)

(yes, I've got weird fantasies, but that's the goal, dream that we are what we are not and escape reality for a moment, even if reality is actually pretty great (at least for me, depending on the point of view)).

I'm going to hazard another guess and say that you are from Germany?

No. I shouldn't try to hide that, so I live south from Germany, east from France, North from Italy and West from Austria. In other words, I'm from that tiny island called Switzerland (I'm way too proud of it...seriously too proud). But I watch my movies in english now (easier to find as in french ('cause I usually speak and think in french) when looking for more obscure things).

(have I told you my Spanish story yet?)

No ^^, care to tell it? (yay, story time!)
I personnally learned english on the internet (school only got me so far...), reading cartoons and watching movies. And I'm trying to learn to write in english here. Try the simpson in french, the translation is actually better than the original voices (but that's the only example where it's better in french. Otherwise, it's generally better in english).
I didn't watch a lot of movies in german, but I liked the way they made the germans actually speak german in "Iron sky" and some WWII movies are better in german when it takes the german point of view.

All I do is look at my notes to see where I want the story to go and what the scenes should be accomplishing, set my characters in their places, and let it happen.

I kind of envy you. I usually have to do a complex thinking about what trick I will try to use in order to bring the needed information I want to communicate, then I've got to find a transition, then make all the logical connections, make sure it's coherent and when it all seems to work, I find out I had made the wrong choice from the very beginning...
Unless I just rush a story without even knowing where it comes from. In which case I just try to keep the storm under control while it lasts.

3018027
I just had some toast with butter and a lot of cinnamon sugar on top. Point is, I'm sugar crashed right now so if I sound off... that's why.

I see what you mean about the indirect dialogue. I will equate it to a painting made with a broad brush vs. a fine detailed brush. Each is good, but in it's place... if that makes sense. Looking back there are quite a few places where a broader "brush" would have been less... more... ummm... :pinkiecrazy:. you know what I mean.

Right, Spanish story. So I was struggling with a concept and went in to the teacher's office to get help... everyday, for about an hour. :pinkiehappy: I was making slow progress and eventually started to look a bit like :pinkiecrazy: and :flutterrage: and maybe on the inside :fluttercry:. The day before the test the teacher focused really hard on one subject for some reason and then gave me a worksheet on that subject telling me to do it at home and then we'll review it right before the test. Test day, the teacher holds true and now I feel like :rainbowdetermined2:, bring it test. I get it, flip to that subject and went :rainbowderp::rainbowhuh:, that was the exact same worksheet we just went over... and I know the answers :twistnerd::scootangel:. Well, turns out I still got half of that subject wrong. :applecry::twilightoops::facehoof::unsuresweetie::derpyderp1: I :heart: Spanish.

the seemingly flat way the characters talk when they go their separate ways.

Eh, not a lot of places you can go with that.

3018329

Each is good, but in it's place... if that makes sense.

I totally agree with that, so it probably makes sense.

that was the exact same worksheet we just went over

I love it when the teachers decide they want us to pass the test.

Well, turns out I still got half of that subject wrong.

Oh well... I see you obviously just wanted to remind the teacher about his moral obligation to treat every student equally. That's very kind of you to have held your principles there :raritywink:.

3020509

Eh, not a lot of places you can go with that.

Two people (or ponies) going their separate ways is one of the biggest source of emotion in litterature (and in real life as well... oh the memories ^^). But I also kind of see what you mean there.
I'm still convinced it could be exploited (and as I love to repeat myself:) would it be to:
- repeat the crucial information given right before
- help set up the atmosphere with allusions
- create the transition by giving a hint for what is going to happen
- create a little subplot ("gimmick"? Not sure about that word) with Rarity saying goodbye the same (weird) way every time
- just have fun and explore the dynamic of "goodbyes" (beginning to discuss how hard it is sometimes to find the correct way to say goodbye in order to let the other go with a good impression and not end on a bad feeling (happened to me yesterday actually :pinkiecrazy:)).
- show how hard it is to say goodbye indirectly through the characters (Fluttershy being very shy, she could be struggling with the fact. Just need to be very subbtle to have that subplot not become too important in the eyes of the reader)
- insert a joke (I'm really bad with joke, but just imagine Pinkie Pie having to say goodbye in an awkward moment and you should see what I mean)..
- have a meta discussion about the place of dialogue in stories (yes, we can actually discuss what we write and how we write in the story itself. But I wouldn't adivse to do it :twilightblush:).

... I guess I'm going too far here. I really tried to understand you comment. And I think you meant "You just want the two of them to say goodbye. It's simple, it's meant to be flat because goodbyes are that way, so no need to overthink it."
And in that regard, you're totally right. I felt like I had to point out we could exploit two characters saying goodbye, but I can understand that some times, if two characters say goodbye, then it's all there is to say there.

3020509
True, unless you use some of TwiwnB's ideas. Some of which would be easier than others, depending.

3020703
That... or I really suck at Spanish. Truth be told, I like your explanation for my deficiencies much better.

(is that an ok term to use?)

Yes, but please don't do this.

3084381
I left the frame work in place, didn't I?

3085840

Basically. Waiting for your editor to get back to you usually helps.

I work with a few different people so that I have multiple people available before I submit a chapter.

3085921
:rainbowlaugh: Incompetence, on display for your amusement.

In my defense we use pm for editing, so it's not like everything is highlighted like Google docs.

3085970

Dude. Google Docs master race.

3085980
I know, right. It has everything you could ever want and it's free. There are but two things that I would like to see improved upon. 1: depending on how many mistakes you make the little type-e line gets off from where it actually puts down the letters. 2: Maybe this one is just me, but it always seems that when I'm in the middle of a sensitive part and I almost have it, the connection stops working and it has to reload the webpage. Other than that though, flawless.

Taking a drink she decided that now would be as good a time as ever to take a break.

The sentence sounds weird in my mind (mostly because of the reptition of "take"). Still, I'm not sure due to my problems understanding english.

Applejack stepped forward, followed closely by Big Mac

What I had in mind was something like: "Deciding to ignore Pinkie's extravagance, Applejack stepped forward, followed closely by an unruffled Big Mac..."
That's probably the simplest way to make the transition. Not obligatory the better.

It would also be possible to go on as you did without a transition and having Pinkie Pie come back a few sentence after, very frustrated, asking if anypony saw what she did (aknowledging the fact there is no reaction afterward.

Her heart gave a slight flutter when his head snapped up in her direction.

I take this opportunity to quickly discuss this, as I was focused on other things before. I feel like you will never reference that sentence afterwards in the story (which is your style, so no problem). Still, I feel there is an underestimated weight around the whole "Big Mac looks at a mare who imediately blushes".
The guy never had a girlfriend for all we know. In the show, Cheerilee doesn't seem really interested in him. But in fanfics, he seems to be like a chick magnet. The tragedy could come from the fact that he were just a symbol in mare's eyes, making it impossible for him to find someone without disappointing that someone by being less than the perfection he is supposed to represent.

All that to say that the most innocent of sentence in a story can be interpreted with a lot of depth depending of the context you wrote it in. It's neither good nor bad, but just a fun fact to consider.

For the rest, really happy that you expanded this chapter (even if it has less words than before for some reason). You already know most of my opinion about it.

3086139 3085980 Google Docs is best pony

Google Docs for President 2016 #change

I don't always write, but when I do, I prefer Google Docs. Stay Google, my friends.

You're gonna like the way you type. I guarantee it.

...And that's all I could come up with.

3375096
How 'bout this:
Just type it. *swoosh*

:facehoof: Right, time for bed...

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