• Published 13th Jun 2013
  • 3,490 Views, 143 Comments

Legionnaire - The Lord Inquisitor



Equestria is teetering on the brink of war. Twilight Sparkle is sent in to try and salvage the situation. Along the way she meets an old friend, and together they try and save what they had as the world around them burns.

Comments ( 30 )

4185394 fear not, I am in the process of rectifying that.
This new chapter is a beauty, and it is truly massive, hence why it takes time to edit and put together, however once it's edited and ready, I swear it shall blow your socks off.

4191462 I'm glad you like it, I'm trying to make my chapters longer, and also polish them to a much higher standard than they were previously.

Awesome. Finally got round to reading the whole thing. Hope I can get this level of quality in my own fics.

Have some pinks :pinkiegasp::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiehappy:

I have started reading it, and it is great, to say the least. Though, through out the story, I may point out certain issues, though I trust there will not be many :) Good luck with the rest! :twilightsmile:

4292954 I'm glad you're enjoying it, I rarely make promises but I promise you will not be waiting long for the next chapter.

4345592 Of course. Everyone loves cliffhangers, right?
And thanks for catching that.

Excellent chapter. The urban combat gave me a Black Hawk Down vibe. Do you have military experience? You write about it with mastery.

4379095 Nope. I've got no military experience to speak of, but I've done some work in the private sector and I've chatted with vets now and again.

4379184

Well, you nailed it. Both your stories are fairly spot on when it comes to military terms, tactics, and slang. Bravo zulu.

4385778 They do.
I figured that the Equestrians shouldn't have all the advantages. The power armour is extremely rare though.

4385796 You sir, are a master of writing. Is it possible that you could Pre-read/Edit/Help with one of my fics?

I'll see if I spare some time to read it later Princess.:twilightsmile:

5244657 It's the main villain of my fanfic, The Elder Scrolls: Equestria.

4006732

Wow, a year to the day and I come back to see this story completed. The offer I made you still stands.

5693072 I'll take you up on that offer.
I hope you like the rewrite, and book two

5693316

There's a sequel? Yo mat'!

5693349 I'll ping you a link later but yes
Death of innocence is going to be more action focussed with more stuff going on from Dash's perspective.

I liked this story.

6134543 I'm really glad you like it, I hope you continue to enjoy it as things get more hectic.

6373646 HMS Dreadnought was the world's first Dreadnought, but I'm glad you got the parallel I was trying to make. A large part of what contributed to world war one was the arms race immediately preceding it, particularly concerning Dreadnoughts, since they were a game changer. Umbra is similarly a game changer in naval warfare due to the fact it doesn't require any flotation cells, which the Equestrians use to make thier conventional airships, or solar sails, which is more of a Khan thing due to the lower tech-base and cheaper production/maintainence costs. Both solar sails and flotation cells are fairly big targets and they impose fairly tight limitations on the user of each system. Umbra however, requires only a large source of magic, of the kind that can only be found in a Princess, or Younger God.

6376073 This is something that's kept in place largely due to historical contexts, something to reinforce to the reader that these times are not the enlightened times that we currently exist in. There's also a reason why Celestia hasn't changed or adjusted the status quo ante regarding women, and that's due to Equestria's expansion process. Equestria expanded throughout what we'd consider the ancient times to early middle ages, and once each successive kingdom was annexed, Celestia was interested more in keeping things stable in each kingdom, and as a result their traditions of patriarchal society were absorbed into Equestria as these separate city states and fiefdoms were absorbed into what became the Empire. Part of Celestia's 'hands off' policy meant that the local Lords had quite a bit of freedom and power to dictate the policies, and though the suffrage bills have gone a long way to removing power from the House of Lords and putting it into the House of Commons, Equestria is still a monarchy (I know it's a quadrarchy or tetrarchy at this point, but Celestia is the first among equals, it's her show and everybody knows it)

Also, the manhunt wasn't from Ponyville, it was from Canterlot, and from all across Equestria. Many people took issue, hence why Celestia decided to bend her neck on this one subject. A ruler who professes to rule in the name of the people has to be shown to be willing to listen to the people after all, and when you get right down to it, Twilight's happiness doesn't really count for a great deal in the calculations of politics and state. Certainly Twilight's happiness matters less than the stability of the Empire.

Ftr: that's a gorgeous title pic.

7325631 Since I'm not familiar with Star-trek and I'm just using what you've linked in the wiki, I'll say yes and no. The Khans are a fighting race, much like the Kzinti, however they aren't all one breed like the Kzinti. You have various different kinds of Khan that are roughly analogous to how many kinds of modern cat there are, for instance Aznan is descended from mountain lynx stock whilst the Shah is descended from white tiger stock.

Females in the Khanate are subservient to the males but they aren't outright lesser beings, useful only for the bearing of children. Khan females are generally highly regarded in their homes and families, and any man who disrespects a female that isn't his own wife is in deep trouble. Certainly they're not regarded as chattels by males.

The Khans also aren't warlike because they seek heroism, they're warlike because their nation is politically unstable and has been for the longest time. I hope this helps.

7325703
It certainly does, and I thank you.

This story is so epic...

I remember looking at these pictures
img02.deviantart.net/8408/i/2012/361/7/5/the_empire_of_equestria_by_johnjoseco-d5pb6xe.jpg pre07.deviantart.net/525d/th/pre/f/2011/279/6/8/princesses_of_equestria_by_johnjoseco-d4c1yr4.png
and I found myself thinking: "Wow, that would be a really good world to build a story in. Shame I don't know of any like that." (I realize that there is probably a connection between that artist and this, the resemblance is uncanny.)

Then, I saw the cover art for this story's sequel being displayed, showing human TwiDash with WW1punk atmosphere and latin/french writing. Just what the doctor ordered. So, I enevored to start these stories as soon as possible and so far I haven't been disappointed. There's culture, action, war, decent politics, and an glorious helping of awesome.

I like the character(ization)s and the unique setting that you created. Some of the humanization aspects are a jarring (like how pegasi are still a thing but magic users don't have horns) and the fact that Equestria (literally Latin for "land of horses") is home to humans (then again, with Zebraca I guess people of this world just like equines). The steampunk stuff is cool and I love all of the WW1 is weapons. Airships for the win. The Legionaries are a bunch of badasses and I love pretty much every one of them, RD especially. Twilight is lovable. THE ROYAL SISTERS!!! You have my favorite just for how you've been portraying them. I'm just immensely satisfied with all of this, I almost can't put it to words.

Of course, I was also satisfied with that piece of turtle pie I just ate but I still had a few pecans to get rid of first so: grievances.

I'm not digging the TwiDash romance. The whole "old ex's meet again and will they/won't they, of course they will" thing isn't doing anything for me and I find it dragging down the awesome political thriller/war action story I'm trying to read. Some of the steampunk stuff seems needlessly pointless and kinda stupid to me, the steam powered horses specifically. Luna's mask bounces between crushingly badass and desperately silly. The almost complete absence of Spike and the rest of the Mane 6 is weird. I can understand if they've drifted apart but you could hint that's what's happened. The whole Spike is a child so he doesn't belong with a virgin princess thing was weird and did not sate my wondering for his absence. The semi-human aspect of this story causes some confusion at times, it can cause the reader to feel like you (the author) is struggling to tie this to MLP or your story is being limited by that tie. Of course, the biggest problem I have with this story is how it can struggle to communicate with me; leading to the greatest issue to be found here: the prose.

On one hand, there's lots of cool cultural structuring around the factions of this world. Equestria is almost a united Europe while the Vals are Siberian superwarriors and the Khans have a very distinct Arab feel to them. There is a fair bit of language play around this and it leaves a pleasant feeling when reading. At the same time you use the same word a half a dozen times in one paragraph when you only needed it twice; some pronouns and synonyms would do this story well. There's also the inconsistent paragraphs, use of italics, and tenses. Oh my 'lanta, the tenses in this story are a mess; I can't tell if this story is happening in the present or past tense in the simple or perfect forms. Or who's point of view its from or weather I'm reading speech, thought, or narration. Reading this aloud would have helped a lot. The general vocabulary and flow are very nice with a good voice but it just falls apart because of the grammar issues.

Other then that this story was epic and I loved almost every second of it. Have an upvote, fav, view of the sequel, and annoyingly long comment.

PS: could I use the Legionarre, Khans, and Vals in my own story? I've been looking a plot point where my main character builds her experiences as a cultured warrior and bloodbond with Dash, this idea is looking very promising. It wouldn't be the same as this; the Khan's would be actual big cats (since my ponies are actually ponies) and the Vals lizard/dragon/cat/equine/something hybrids. Thanks for considering:twilightblush:

7595249

Hey
First off, I really appreciate your feedback. It's very rare to get this kind of in-depth critique on my work and stuff like this really helps my self confidence and keeps me writing, so thanks for taking the time to provide a critique.

As for whether you can use the Vals, the Legion or the Khans, the answer is unfortunately no. I'm a little protective of my material since the Flame series isn't finished yet, and it's possibly going to become a book in it's own right. I'm sorry to step on things that way.

The point with the absence of Spike is to try and create a feeling of fragility in Twilight, to try and increase the sense of isolation about her by separating her from what's familiar. As for bringing along the rest of the M6, it wouldn't really be appropriate to bring them along to what are extremely high level diplomatic talks just because they're her friends. Fear not however, I do have plans for them, plans I'd like to discuss with you at some point over PM if you'd be interested?

I'm trying to generate a sort of persian/arab feel as far as the Khans are concerned, hence why their capital city has the name that it does and their primary dialect is Fars'Ad. Whether those pictures were the inspiration for this story... I can neither confirm or deny that is the case. :twilightsheepish:

Before I dive into investigating this series for research please tell me; Is this a good read?

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