Bogus Ascension; or, Alicorns Don't Count for Much Nowadays
Dear friends,
From this point forth, all tales shall follow in the wake of Blueblood's Ascension Part II, and the characters shall reflect that with occasional references to the aforementioned's plot.
Reading Part II is not required, merely recommended.
“Cuss!” Rainbow Dash snarled. She gripped a bandage in her teeth and wrapped it around the skinned knee on her right foreleg.
She pointed at the sky. “Cuss you!” She pointed at the ground. “Cuss you, too!” She spun around, pointing at rocks and trees indiscriminately. “Cuss aaalll of you!”
She turned her eyes downwards and fumed, neigh, smoldered at a tiny object on the ground. “And especially, especially, cuss you!”
She glared at the pebble, that miniscule collection of minerals that had scraped her knee. “Cuss you! Cuss your whole stupid rock family!”
The pebble chafed at being called a rock, as it had been smoothed into a pebble over eons of erosion at the bottom of a riverbed. Rainbow Dash disregarded its lengthy history and kicked it as far as she could. It sailed over the valley, into the unknown.
She stuck her tongue out after it and kicked another pebble into the aether for good measure. She spread her wings and took to the sky, her eyes narrowing. “Alright, let’s do this! For real this time!”
She noted the location of the river that was her target. She dived towards it and pulled up in a slow arc until she was flying parallel to it. She flapped her wings to pick up speed, her fur tingling in the whipping wind. Flying upstream, she reached a cautious hoof down to the river and dipped her hoof in.
She felt the Magic of the Pegasi flow into the river, into the very water itself. She watched closely as her hoof made a furrow on the surface, splashing water droplets to the side. She reached out further, deeper, and felt the droplets hit the water. She didn’t allow them to rejoin the current.
Droplets rose behind her, at first just a few, but it soon became a mass of water nearly the size of her own body. They followed after her, as if it were raining sideways. She let it build up until she felt as though half of the water downstream was in her wake, and then she started to meld the flying droplets together.
Her breathing became shallow of its own accord as she sought to hold her concentration. She forced her breath to slow, forced her lungs to take in longer and deeper breaths. The droplets behind her became blobs of water, then a whooshing deluge, and finally she was able to mold them into a wave.
“Yeah…” she mouthed to herself. “Yeah, that’s the ticket.”
The wave grew larger as she continued up the river and picked up more water. She flapped her wings harder, straining with the weight of pulling the water against the current. She kept her eyes open despite the spray, unwilling to repeat an early mistake from the previous day. She placed her other hoof in the water with a smirk, this time sending her weather magic flowing before her.
The river bunched up as she carried it along. Well, pushed it along. Now that she thought about it, it looked a little like somepony had decorated a cake with blue frosting and then drew a finger across it.
Um, that is, drew a hoof across it. She was having a little bit of difficulty adjusting after spending time in that… other world. The one where Blueblood had gotten himself lost. The one where she went with a few other ponies to rescue him. That world with the fingers.
She still couldn’t decide if fingers were awesome or creepy.
She cringed as the water being carried in her pegasus magic formed a wall. The force of her flying at extreme speeds with the fluid in toe came face-to-face with the force of a current that had run for several thousand years.
In previous attempts, she had been soaked with her wave, flung from the premises by the sheer force, or nearly drowned by a river suddenly reforming in midair. Not this time.
This time, she would succeed.
This time, she would do the impossible.
This time, she would reverse the flow of an entire river single-hoofedly.
This time, the wall of water bunched up over her head. This time, the force of a super-speedy pegasus pushing the river was nearly equal to the force pushing against it. This time, Rainbow Dash actually felt herself slow down as the water reached a critical point.
This time, an unstoppable force met an immovable object. Kinda.
“Oooh, cuss,” said Rainbow Dash.
A few miles away, in the floating city of Cloudsdale, Lightning Dust tapped her hoof against the soft, marshmallowy surface of the cloud-crafted floor. She deigned to lean against the wall, rather than take a seat on the chair mere feet away. Her lidded eyes roamed the room, but kept coming back to the doorway.
A loud WHUMP carried through the air, rattling the walls and drawing her wandering eyes to the window. In the distance, she saw an enormously-tall spout of water shoot into the air. At its apex, the small figure of a pegasus mare blasted out the top, tumbling as it flew. The water fell with a WOOSH, the pegasus mare trailing behind it.
The pegasus mare in question looked vaguely familiar.
“Lightning Dust?”
Her name’s utterance alerted her to the presence of another pony in the room. A mustachioed pegasus stallion gestured to the door, which was now lying open. “She’ll see you now.”
“Rad.” Lightning Dust grinned as she trotted through the door, throwing a mock salute to the stallion. The portal’s closure surprised her with its abruptness, impacting her rump as it shut. She stumbled the final few feet into the room and found herself face-to-face with the co-captain of the Wonderbolts.
“Captain Spitfire, ma’am! Thank you for seeing me, ma’am!” She stood at attention before the orangey pegasus captain. She couldn’t help the tiny, neigh, miniscule smirk that crept onto her visage.
Spitfire leaned on her desk with a sigh. “We aren’t in training, Lightning. Just call me ‘Spitfire.’”
“Oh,” Lightning said. “Well, um, hi.”
“Hi,” Spitfire replied. “So, what was so important that you needed to schedule an appointment with me to talk about it?”
“I’ll cut right to the chase.” Lightning Dust pointed to her forehead, which held a bony protrusion. Her smirk took full custody of her features. “I’m an alicorn princess now.”
“Yup.” Spitfire’s curt nod took a little bit of the wind out of Lightning’s sails. “That’s been going around for a while. What about it?”
Lightning resisted the very, very, very strong urge to roll her eyes right off of Cloudsdale. “It means that I’m ready to be a Wonderbolt now.”
The way Spitfire’s eyes closed slowly and firmly left Lightning fidgeting where she stood. The way the captain’s eyebrows lowered after them made Lightning’s heart dip down in her chest. The way a small, tired sigh left the Wonderbolt’s nostrils made Lightning want to leap right out the window and fly away.
“Lightning Dust, we can’t…” Spitfire rubbed her temples. She continued to rub her temples for a good long while. “That doesn’t work like… We can’t just…”
She stood and walked around her desk. She stood before Lightning with a frown. “It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a horn or not. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a princess or not. You’re gonna have to reapply next season and start from the bottom like every other pony.”
“But… But…” Lightning Dust placed a hoof over her chest. “But I… I’m the stinking Alicorn Princess of Flight! You know I’m Wonderbolts material. I’ve, gosh, I’ve done more than most Wonderbolts can even dream of doing!”
“It wouldn’t matter if you had been crowned Princess of the Wonderbolts!” Spitfire said. “You start in basic, you move your way up, that’s how it’s gotta be!”
“I’ve finished basic,” Lightning growled.
“You were drummed out for recklessness!” Spitfire countered. “A recklessness that I’m seeing displayed very clearly right this very second!”
The two mares stared at each other, deadlocked in their ire. Though she was shorter than the alicorn, Spitfire had no issue looking down at Lightning.
“That’s my final word,” the captain said. “You can reapply next season, and hope that I’m not one of the ponies selecting recruits from the pile.” She turned around and walked back to her desk. She sat down with a huff, refusing to look at the fuming mare across from her. “You’re excused.”
With nary a word, Lightning Dust left the office.
Spitfire laid her head on her desk. “I hate doing that. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.”
The pegasus stallion entered the room and removed his moustache. A horn materialized out of nowhere. “She didn’t look too happy. Think she’ll be alright?”
“Soarin, there’s thousands of cadets that get rejected every year.” Spitfire did not get up from her position on the desk. “She is, ironically enough, part of the average.”
Soarin sat down in the chair in front of her desk. “So…?”
Spitfire lifted her head. “So why am I nervous about rejecting her?”
“I personally think it’s got something to do with the horn,” he said.
“You don’t think she’s gonna do something stupid, do you?” Spitfire asked.
“Time will tell,” Soarin replied. “Let’s hope we’re outside the blast zone.”
“That was a… very impressive display, Rainbow Dash.”
Rarity spoke around a series of pins held in her mouth. Pinkie Pie stood nearly motionless on the dais, a dress being built around her body. At that moment, Rarity was focusing on the hem. “To think, you nearly flooded Whitetail Wood…”
“That part was an accident,” Rainbow Dash said weakly. She huddled in the middle of the floor with a warm blanket draped around her shoulders. Her hair was still damp and cold. “Do… Do you think Fluttershy’ll forgive me?”
“I suspect our friend will. Given time.” A thundering crash was heard as a herd of some unspecified animal upset a series of market stalls. “A lot of time.”
Rainbow Dash pulled the blanket tighter around her. “Whoa. I think I’ve only seen her this angry twice.”
Rarity blinked. She looked over her red reading glasses at Dash. “Twice? I’m afraid all I recall is the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Well…”
Fluttershy looked up to see Tank the Tortoise flying towards her, his propeller spinning in the setting sun. Her eyes lit up at his approach. “Oh! Hello, Tank! How are you?”
As he drew near, his expression grew sharper against his green, scaly mug. “Oh dear! You don’t look so happy. Is something wrong? Is Rainbow Dash in danger? Oh, I should go help her right aw—”
The fast-moving tortoise collided with her head. She let out a “meep” and fell onto her back, her legs sticking into the air. Tank settled down beside her, carrying a note marked “urgent” in his mouth.
He prodded the prone pony with his nose and found her unresponsive.
He munched on a shred of lettuce.
“So it was a couple more hours before Fluttershy showed up with an army of critters.” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “She was furious that I had been flying in Ghastly Gorge without a wingpony.”
“I have to admit, Rainbow Dash, I myself would have been livid, had I been informed of the event.” Rarity stuck a few pins into the dress to hold up a strip of fabric. “I would have thought you’d have learned your lesson the last time you found yourself injured—alone!—in that decidedly dangerous place.”
“Wasn’t alone,” Rainbow muttered. “Had Tank. Both times.”
“Mm-yes. And you have duly informed me as to how successful he was in rescuing you.” Rarity finished her stitch and nodded to Pinkie Pie. “Alright, then. You can step out of that dress and I can get down to the nitty-gritty.”
Pinkie complied, removing the dress carefully. She handed it back to Rarity and sighed in relief as her entire body was engulfed in green fire.
Rainbow Dash’s eyes bugged out of her head as Pinkie Pie morphed into what was unmistakably a shiny-carapaced changeling.
In a single movement, Rainbow Dash flew over, knocked the changeling to the ground with a karate chop, and gripped it in a full-nelson hold. “Run for it, Rarity! I’ve got this!”
“Put him down this instant!” Whether it was from a desire to comply with Rarity’s demand, or just shock that the demand had been issued in the first place, Rainbow Dash dropped the choking changeling to the ground.
“Good grief, lady! What’s gotten into you!?” the changeling asked.
“I was… uh…” Rainbow Dash gestured helplessly at the changeling while looking at Rarity with pleading eyes.
Rarity sighed. “Rainbow Dash, meet Mandible. Mandible, meet Rainbow Dash.”
Rainbow Dash squinted at the changeling. “Heeey, I know you. You’re the skeevy guy that impersonated Blueblood, aren’t you?”
The changeling opened his mouth to protest, but Rarity filled the silence first. “Mandible is working for me as part of a… sort of ‘integration into society’ project for the changelings that surrendered.”
A slow grin spread across Rainbow Dash’s face. “So-so he’s basically working as a ponnequin!? Heh. Hahaha!” The laughter continued for a few moments, laughter that neither Rarity nor Mandible participated in.
“It warms the very depths of my heart that you’re so willing to overlook past differences.” Mandible trotted past her to the kitchen. “If you need me, I’ll be wallowing in the self-pity brought on by alternately being used as an inanimate object and thought of as King Sombra’s wretched slug-spawn.”
“He’s… really a pleasant fellow. Once you get used to— Once you get to know him,” Rarity spoke with a smile that held a restraining order against her eyes. Her ears twitched as the riot outside the boutique grew in proportions.
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “I’ll take your word for it. Sorry ’bout jumping on him.”
“Oh, I’m certain he will get over it,” Rarity said. “In time.”
Curses in the changeling tongue rocketed forth from the kitchen, nicely accompanying the sound of china shattering.
“Lots and lots of time,” Rarity muttered. She hovered the dress over to her sewing machine, her brow furrowing as she did so. “Rainbow Dash, what brought you to seek the thrills that brought such spills? What do you seek to gain from… from reversing the flow of a river?”
Rainbow Dash stared at a wall. She found herself mesmerized by the lush purple curtains and soft drapes that decorated the rounded walls. At least, that’s what she told herself. She was, more truthfully, looking for a distraction. A way to avoid answering the question at all.
Rarity sidled up beside her and gave her a gentle nuzzle. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I…” Rainbow Dash’s soft answer died on her lips. Her mouth was level, and her eyes showed not a flicker of emotion as she turned to face Rarity. “I’m jealous.”
Rarity’s reaction was only slightly unexpected. “You?”
Rainbow gave a small nod. “I’m jealous. I’ve lived my entire life doing everything I can to be the most awesome pegasus to ever exist. I performed a sonic rainboom when I was eight! I’m the bearer of the Element of Loyalty! I saved the lives of three Wonderbolts! I’m a hero!”
She clenched her teeth together and gave her mane a shake. She looked back to the silent Rarity. “I know that sounds selfish, or something, but that’s kinda my whole point! That’s what being jealous is! Selfishness. Thinking about myself. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Most of the time I’m like ‘yeah, yeah, I know I’m awesome,’ then I leave to go do something even more awesome. But now…”
Rainbow Dash barely registered the moment when Rarity slipped a foreleg around her shoulders. “Now I find out that I’m not good enough. That none of what I’ve done has ever been good enough. Now I’m jealous of the pony that was good enough, and I know… I know that’s wrong.”
Rarity dared ask a simple question. “Good enough for what, Rainbow Dash?”
Rainbow Dash sighed. She leaned slightly into her friend’s embrace, her eyebrows angling downward. “You remember the tornado accident at the Wonderbolts Academy? The one that almost—”
“Yes, yes I do,” Rarity interrupted. “You’ll forgive me for glossing over the event.”
“The pony that caused that?” Rainbow Dash pulled away from Rarity and stood to her feet. “She ascended last week.”
Rarity blinked. Quite rapidly. Her mouth moved as though she had suddenly become a fish out of water. Her hooves made unintelligible gestures this way and that as she tried to comprehend the idea she had just been presented.
“Well that’s… Her ascension… This is all…” Rarity stomped a hoof on the floor. “That, my dear, is totally bogus.”
“Yup,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Something about pulling clouds right out of a lake, instead of sending the water to Cloudsdale with a waterspout first. Poof! Alicorn.”
Rarity seemed to settle down, or tire herself out, as was more likely the case. “Now you are attempting to do something spectacular in order to ascend to alicornhood, am I correct?”
“Yup. Yep. Yes.” Rainbow Dash flopped onto her back and stared at the ceiling.
“Far be it from me to stand in the way of self-betterment,” Rarity said. “But are you sure you’re doing it for the right reasons?”
“Well, duh I’m not doing it for the right reasons.” Rainbow Dash sat up with a decisive huff. “I’m doing it to satisfy my ego. Like always.” A spark of worry flashed across her face. “Do you think that’s why I haven’t ascended? Is it because I’m doing things for the wrong reasons?”
“My dear, if your heart had any bearing on whether or not you ascended, I have several names picked out who I believe would never, ever, ever had achieved their status.” Her mind flashed briefly to a former unicorn stallion that we all know and love. “I, too, have caught myself wallowing with the green-eyed monster.”
“Great, so we’re both horrible ponies.” Rainbow Dash grinned. “What? Should we start something like ‘Alicorn Envy Anonymous?’”
Rarity giggled. “Oh yes, darling. ‘Hello, my name is Rarity, and it has been thirteen weeks since I coveted wings!’”
She stepped back with a sigh. “But it still leaves the question of whether anypony can indeed become an alicorn, or if there is some strange, arbitrary selection process behind it all.”
Rarity returned to her dress, if only to work on something while she postulated aloud. “I would have supposed, had I not been witness to the negative, that your sonic rainboom alone would have led the way to your ascension. However, since that was seemingly not enough—nor was your participation in the liberation of Equestria three… four times over—perhaps it is unknowable what goes in to the ascension of an alicorn.”
“What about Twilight, ascending right after completing this super-freaky spell?” Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs. “What about Mrs. Cake, ascending right after creating that awesome Easy-bake oven? It sure looks like they’ve all got something awesome in common!”
Rarity sighed and placed her dress to the side. “I can’t argue that there is no evidence.” Her eyes turned upwards for a moment. “That said, may I ask you a question?”
“Shoot,” Rainbow Dash said.
“If you find that you cannot ascend under any circumstances…” Rarity raised an eyebrow. “What are you going to do about it?”
For the first time since she had arrived, Rainbow Dash puffed her chest out. “I’m gonna keep being the most awesome pegasus in Equestria. No matter what.”
“That, I can at least offer my support to,” Rarity said. “Honestly, I’m still not sure what to think of all these alicorns and—”
The door to the boutique exploded inwards, revealing a sight few Equestrians had seen and lived: an angry Fluttershy. “Rainbow Dash! You flooded Whitetail Wood!”
“Gotta bolt!” Rainbow Dash took off, going from zero to sixty in point one-two-five seconds. She blazed past Mandible, the displaced wind knocking him off of his feet. He snarled in her general direction and shook a hoof.
Fluttershy was about to storm off (literally) after her, when the soothing scent of tea drifted to her nose. Rarity levitated a cup beneath her head, letting the gentle aromas drift up in a halo about Fluttershy’s head. Her facial expression softened within moments.
“Care for a drop of tea, my dear?”
“Oh. Oh, well, thank you.”
“‘Drummed out for recklessness!’”
Lightning Dust shouted to the world, to anypony who was in earshot. Considering she had chosen a particularly remote place to sulk, the number of ponies her words held under their influence was indisputably nil.
“Drummed out for awesomeness, they mean!” Lightning ran a hoof through her brushed-back mane. “Can’t handle an alicorn princess, that’s their problem! Yeah!”
She stood on the edge of a canyon, perhaps a couple hundred feet in depth. “It’s probably that Soarin guy. He’s probably afraid that an alicorn would outperform him! Ha! Yeah, he’s probably a wimp or something.”
Lightning Dust had evidently not read the previous story in this compilation.
She flapped her wings and hovered in midair. “I’ll show ‘em. I’ll start practicing right the heck now. I’m gonna blow their socks off when I go back to basic training next year. Yeah! Yeah…”
The gorge was long, narrow, and, as previously mentioned, quite deep. Deep enough that the afternoon sunlight did not quite reach the bottom. Rumbles of avalanches not yet fallen and monsters not yet fed rolled forth.
“Blow their socks off.”
Lightning Dust fell off the edge and spread her wings. She weaved around outcroppings. She dipped under an overhang. She flew with speed and grace, like any true Wonderbolt.
Unlike any true Wonderbolt, she lacked a wingpony.
So when the quarry eel struck from its hole in the canyon wall, its enormous jaws snapping shut around her, she had nopony to turn to.
She was not helpless, oh no, not helpless in the slightest. It was the work of a moment to raise the temperature of the beast’s mouth and turn the saliva to steam. Unfortunately for her, quarry eels only shriek when they’re about to feast on minotaur flesh.
Something to do with the fingers, it has been supposed. They tickle on the way down, you see.
So, since the creature refused to scream in pain, Lightning Dust attempted to live up to her name. Her horn glowed as she imbued the steam cloud with static. Lightning struck the roof of the eel’s mouth, finally eliciting a reaction. The quarry eel decided to swallow the uncooperative lump in its throat.
Lightning Dust’s thoughts are summarized below, edited for space and content.
“Oh, dear. It seems I have been gobbled up by an enormous quarry eel. I see that these noble creatures are made up of sterner stuff than I had surmised, based on my previous knowledge of their existence. Gosh! Gee Willikers! Such a predicament. May this eel never reproduce.”
Heavily edited.
So the Princess of Flight found herself dangling from the eel’s uvula. Do not ask whether or not eels have uvulas; this one does. She clung to the uvula, pondering her next step.
“Spit me out or so help me I’ll make it hurt to poop forever!”
Oops, looks like that one got past the censors.
Lightning Dust lit her horn once more and attempted to turn the steam into a tornado by sheer force of will. The whirlwind spun within the eel’s mouth, faster and faster. Its lips twitched.
“Just spit me out already!”
A moment passed before Lightning Dust realized that the beastly diner’s lips were twitching repeatedly. It had, in fact, begun to snuffle uproariously. It sniffed and snuffed and twitched and tingled.
More to the point, it sneezed.
Carried aloft on a spray of eel snot, Lightning Dust zoomed through the air. She splattered against the other side of the chasm. It was a slow slide down that followed, leading her to the tiny river at the bottom.
She lifted a weary head upwards and watched, amazed, as an angel descended from the heavens. The sunlight shone through its wings, and sparkling dust traveled in its wake. As it grew closer, Lightning Dust noted the inexplicable spectrum of color that made up the angel’s hair.
“What the heck were you doing!?” the angel asked. A bag landed beside her, clearly marked “sneezing powder.”
Lightning Dust’s eyelids fluttered with uncertainty. “Wha—”
The angel’s blue hoof impacted against her chest. “You! What the heck were you doing flying in Ghastly Gorge by yourself!?”
A smirk found its way to Lightning Dust’s snot-soaked face. “Practicing my totally-radical alicorn-only flying maneuvers.”
“Eeerrrnt! Wrong!” The hoof pushed harder, driving the princess to her bum. “You were getting eaten by a quarry eel because you didn’t have a wingpony to back you up!”
“But that— I was— You—” Lightning Dust groaned. “Yeah, I was flying alone. So sue me.”
“There wouldn’t have been anything left to sue!” The angel prodded Dust’s chest one more for good measure. “You really haven’t learned anything, have you?”
Lightning’s eyes narrowed. “Heeey… I remember you…” A sneer eked its way onto her face. “Rainbow Dash.”
Rainbow Dash’s reply of “Well, duh” died a premature death on her lips as her chin came in contact with Lightning Dust’s forward-propelled hoof. She tumbled back with the force of the blow, splashing in the shallow water of the small river. She rose with a bitter frown, her rainbow mane plastered to her face.
“Yeah, I remember you,” Lightning chuckled. “You’re the dipstick that got me kicked out of the Wonderbolts Academy.”
Rainbow Dash snorted. “You’re darn right I did! It’s all you deserved after almost killing my friends!”
“Ooh, self righteous enough for yah?” Lightning Dust stood on her hind legs and whirled her front hooves in the air. “Put up yer dukes! I’m gonna enjoy this!”
Lightning Dust had the magic of a unicorn, the speed of a pegasus, and the strength of an earth pony. Rainbow Dash had black belts in two different martial arts. Plus lesser belts in a few others. Plus a metaphorical axe to grind.
Lightning Dust didn’t stand a chance.
Rainbow Dash gripped the alicorn princess in a half-nelson, shouting “Say ‘uncle!’ Say it!” in her ear. Lightning Dust complied almost immediately.
Dash towered over her fallen foe, her magenta eyes blazing. Metaphorically. “So… So what gives? What’s got a super-important princess like you flapping around Ghastly Gorge all by yourself?”
“What’s it to you?” Lightning grumbled. “Just fly on over to your million friends, join the stupid Wonderbolts, and leave me the heck alone!”
“What it is to me is that you almost died!” Rainbow shouted. “And… And if being eaten because you were alone isn’t the stupidest way to die I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is!”
Rainbow Dash sat and shook her mane, flicking water everywhere. “Besides, why were you alone? You’re a princess now. You’re…” She sighed deeply. “You’re special or something, now.”
“Special!? Special!?” Lightning swatted a glob of goo off of her wings. “‘Special’ ain’t the word I’ve heard ponies use! Reckless? Hotheaded? That’s more my speed.”
“Yeah? Well excuse the heck out of me, princess,” Rainbow Dash spat. “Pardon me for not feeling sorry for you, because every single one of those words is exactly what you are!”
“Like you’re one to talk, ‘Rainbow Crash!’” Lightning said. “Your reputation around Cloudsdale is legendary for all the wrong reasons!”
Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof, held it in the air, then slammed it down on the wet soil. “Yeah. Two peas in a pod. I’m outta here.”
“Yeah. Yeah!” Lightning Dust picked up a glob of snot and tossed it at the retreating Dash. “You just run on home, loser! Hide behind your stupid Ponyville buddies! Go play hero with the Elements of Harmony!”
Rainbow Dash slowed as Lightning continued. “Go and be a Wonderbolt! Go live your stupid dreams and… and just let me…”
Lightning slumped to the ground, holding back hot tears. “What in the name of Faust’s Fragrant Forehead do you have that I don’t!?”
Silence held the gorge in its grip, as even the earless quarry eels strained to listen. The pat, pat, pat of Rainbow Dash’s hooves drew closer to Lightning Dust, and the alicorn princess looked up.
“I think I know,” Rainbow Dash said. “Why do you ask?”
“Because I don’t have anything!” Lightning shouted. “Because I’ve totally wrecked any chance of becoming a Wonderbolt! Because nopony gives a darn about me!”
Her wings flexed. “Do you… Do you know what Princess Celestia did when I ascended?”
Rainbow Dash, of course, shook her head.
“She looked right at me and… and she looked like she stepped in something nasty.” Lightning shivered. “It only took a second for her to slip… to slip that darned mask over her face. You know, how she looks in every single picture ever taken of her? But I saw how she really felt.”
“You…” Rainbow Dash coughed. “You did almost kill her personal student.”
“Oh, is that all!?” Lightning gritted her teeth. Some slight gnashing occurred. “So tell me, oh most knowledgeable Rainbow Crash, what do you have that I don’t?” A tear rolled down her stony face. “Besides the princess’ favor.”
“You want the skinny?” Rainbow Dash asked. “It’s real simple. I’ve got friends.”
“Well, gosh golly gee whiz.” Lightning rolled her eyes. “I coulda told you that, ‘Ponyville.’”
“Shut up and listen a sec,” Rainbow Dash said. “I’ve got six friends who really care about me. I’ve hung out with them, shared my victories with them, and helped them work through their defeats.” She stuck her chest out as a small smile curled its way onto her face. “And, yeah, I’ve shared their victories and they’ve helped me through my many, many defeats. We’ve helped each other, Dust. We’ve helped each other grow!”
“I seriously doubt that the yellow chick helped you become a better flyer,” Lightning mumbled.
“You’d be surprised, but that’s not the point.” Rainbow Dash lifted herself a few feet into the air. “We’ve helped each other grow to be better ponies, which counts a whole lot more than just being a better athlete.”
Lightning sneered. “Great, ain’t we all just happy-wappy. What’s your point?”
“You still don’t get it,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “If I’m a better pony, I can make better decisions. If I can make better decisions, I can positively affect ponies around me. Ponies like me because of that positive effect.”
“It all ties into that stinking ‘Friendship is Magic’ horseapple pie, huh?” Dust said with a sneer.
“Look at yourself, Lightning!” Rainbow Dash growled. “Then look at me! I think my friend Twilight would say the results are self-evident, because you”—she chewed her lip—“you are who I would be if I didn’t have friends.”
Lightning Dust reared back with a snort. “I could have friends if I wanted.”
“I know.” Rainbow flew back, putting distance between herself and the alicorn. “That’s why you hurt my heart. That’s why you annoy me so darn much!”
Silence returned to the gorge, and Rainbow Dash took it as a sign to leave. She flew away, carefully avoiding the area that held the quarry eels.
Lightning Dust’s voice chased after her. “Hey! Then tell me, why were you here in the gorge all by yourself!?”
“I wasn’t,” Rainbow Dash said as a tiny tortoise zipped up to her on his beanie propeller. “Had Tank.”
“And that’s the whole sordid tale, hmm?” Rarity delicately sipped from her teacup. “Such a shame, I had hoped that she could find some measure of peace.”
“Maybe she will,” Rainbow Dash replied. She hung upside-down from the chandelier, wrapped from head-to-toe with yarn, twine, and whatever else Fluttershy had been able to find around the shop. “Just not around here. Not right now.”
Mandible chuckled as he rolled a large tube of fabric through the boutique. He stuck his tongue out at Rainbow Dash, who gave as good as she got right back at him.
“On the off chance, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said as she looked up, “did this in any way alter your feelings about being an alicorn?”
“Well, it’s not gonna stop me from trying…” Dash strained at her bonds, but they did not so much as loosen. “But I gotta say, I’m not jealous of her anymore.”
Lightning Dust stood on the edge of the gorge as the sun set over the horizon. She glared at the quarry eels’ area as it was shrouded in darkness. “Cuss you,” she snarled.
She looked over Ghastly Gorge as a whole. “Cuss you!”
She flew into the air until she could see the lights of the little town of Ponyville. She stuck her tongue out as part of a truly epic stink eye. “And cuss you, Rainbow Dash! Cuss you and all your stupid friends!”
She flew off towards Cloudsdale with her shoulders drooping. “Cuss you for making me jealous of you.”
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Bill and Ted's Bogus Ascension? Count me in!
... I should probably read it now.
I'm your friend, Dust! Don't listen to them! Go find Gilda and Trixie. You can can form your own Elements, with booze and hookers.
You have made a grave error, Spitfire.
Cuss you for not making this a screwball comedy. Cuss you so much.
3432143
NOTCH? The creator of Minecraft? But how would that... Could that even... How could I...
How would that even work!?
3432156
That is usually recommended, yes.
3432175
Indeed, indeed! Expect her to pop up occasionally in future stories.
The air chilled as Spitfire sat in the empty room, devoid of windows or doors. She meekly projected her voice into the darkness. "H-hello?"
"Hello, Spitfire," a voice said out of the darkness. A royal shade of purple fell across her. "I am Seether00. I have been expecting you."
Again, most profuse apologies.
3432194
I will say that we're overdue for a screwball comedy! The next story on my list is indeed a completely scratch your head, pick your nose, wiggle your ears screwball comedy.
The three stars demand it be screwball. But not Screwball. But I should do her, too, eventually.
3432274
Yes... Yes, I can see it all clearly now. Truly, this is the greatest alicorn prince of all time. Maybe even better than Blueblood...
...
But how would that even work!?
Derpy
Derpy
Derpy
Derpy
Pinkie pie
Bon Bon
Derpy
..... Derpy?
Lilly and co
Thunderlane
Caramel
Nice chapter! Lightning Dust sure has a lot to learn about the magic of friendship, princess or not.
I love Dash's plan, she sure doesn't think small.
Mandible is great, changelings are so much fun.
3432512
She's the Princess of Optimism! Read all about it here!
Engaged to an alicorn.
Um... Best buddies with an alicorn?
Hmm, now what would they be? Princesses of Flower Arrangements? Princesses of Panic?
Prince of Feather Flu?
Prince of Cameos?
3433000
Sad to say that she does. But she's not a total loss, I'd like to mention...
3435239
Never in her life! Always bigger, always better.
Yeah he is. I kinda envisioned him as a one-scene wonder in Blueblood's Ascension Part II, but I liked his character enough to cross him over into this and Blueblood's Ascension Part III. Expect hijinks.
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What really got me was the part where Celestia looked at Lightning like she was scum. That's a hard thing for a pony to handle. As you can tell, I am more of a fan of Dust getting some sort of redemption. Still... feels.
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Yeah, I flinch when I read that part. I wasn't even sure I should have added it, but it's really a case of the story writing itself. It happened.
It kinda shows that Celestia is "human," and makes mistakes, and feels bad feels, if you wanna have my interpretation.
It is quite a cruel scene, though.
Me too, which is why i'm putting her in more of these shorts. I thought that it would have been a little too easy, a little too quick, for her to have friends after the events in this story. Too much like the end of Blueblood's Ascension. After some buildup, however...
On that vein, i'm planning on getting everybody back at some point or another. Sometimes, four-thousand-odd words aren't enough to tell a story.
3471980
Actually, I do wonder about one thing. Not sure if you addressed it. Let me put it forth in stuffy letter format.
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3503520
Argh! Go in order dang you!
This is the Order. The Order you set up. You are breaking the Order. Stop it.
If this starts turning into another House of Leaves I'm outta here.
...
Never again... 
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4832984
What's crazier is that I posted Blueblood's Ascension Part II before I posted Background Ascension.
And the next story, The Courtship of Pinkamena Diane Pie, will take place during all of the others. Yet it will be listed as number five.
I may need to rethink my numbering system...
From what i've heard about House, it might be close... I don't think it's nearly that crazy, though!
Maybe.
Brick joke. Please be a brick joke.
My eyes tried unsuccessfully to convince my brain that the word "justice" was in that sentence.
This. So very much this.
And this, for good measure.