Toast
Salutations my beloved sister Luna,
I left this note here for you because, well, you looked so very at peace curled against your pillow. You even had that little bit of drool at the corner of your lip. You know the one. The one you get when you have flighty dreams of so-and-so. I digress. It would have been a crime to have woken you up when you seemed so happy sleeping in. Regardless, I have left this note to inform you on a few details for your day since I won't be able to tell you myself. Working the morning hours of the castle is no easy task, I remind you. Yet, I have faith you will not falter.
-Check that the sun is in alignment.
-Perform an alert check on the royal guards.
-Add a new layer to the magic barrier around the castle.
-Make sure that Ponyville's reports are properly organized for future viewing.
-Check if the Changelings have finished making that statue of Queen Chrysalis flipping the bird at our castle yet.
-Do fifty wing-ups.
-Eat a hearty breakfast.
That will cover the morning duties for you. I wish you the best of luck, sister. Also, be warned, due to lack of foresight, I allowed the morning chef the day off today. If I had remembered you would be eating breakfast, I would have asked him to take his day off another day. However, I have faith in you sister. That is why I have put a sandwich in the fridge for you. Just take it out and eat that.
Love,
Celestia.
Celestia... How little faith did she have? Written on her very stationary, in her personal ink, and with her informal voicing she had indirectly as well as directly insulted her only sister. Luna, princess of the night and ruler of all that was dark, had been slapped upon the cheek from her elder sister. 'Just take it out and eat that'? She should have just wrote "I know you can't cook worth a buck; so I made you something SO simple, even you can't mess it up". Such little faith. But, she would show her sister that she was not to be underestimated!
Luna stormed down the halls of Canterlot castle, purpose echoing along with the claps of her naked hooves against the dull carpet flooring. Guard after guard she passed shot a proud salute with their hoof to head or wing to snout as need be. Aside from an informal nod from Luna herself, she gave little acknowledgement to the actions offered to her. She had a mission; a quest. One that was awaiting her at the end of the hall; through the double doors. The kitchen doors flew open with Luna's magic keeping them agape for her arrival. Heads would have turned and mouths would let out gasps at the mere sight of such a rarity... However, not a soul was even there; which, admittedly, Luna felt a bit let down by.
"Yes... My entrance need not have spectators anyway..." she grumbled to herself with a root of embarrassment brought to her, "Nay have I even ventured out from my dwelling to cast looms of power upon subjects, in honesty. Truth, I have ventured into the bowels of the culinary fortress on a greater errand," Luna took a few soft steps to the side of the kitchen counter, locating there a supply of bread. "To prove mine own sister a fool!"
Her eyes set upon the soft, perfectly sliced loaves of bread resting upon the firm surface of the cutting board. Not a single slice was cut too wide or uneven. Each perfectly made and allowed to fall gingerly over the other as the source of the loaves remained bouncy and giving at the base of the collection. Luna studied these slices carefully; being ever so sure to not have any take her by surprise. This was her realm now; and these layers of baked wheat chunks would bow to her will.
"Hold... In what manner did that limerick Lord Pipsqueak bestowed upon me go again?" Luna mused a thought to herself, trying to recall the lesson Pipsqueak had taught her.
When ya' got a hankering to be fed,
All you need is a sweet slice of bread,
With this recipe you can always boast,
Because with it you can make some toast,
Just remember the recipe I said.
"...Dastard! There was no recipe in that poem!" Luna cursed to the high heavens, "I shall need to improvise..."
Looking about her collective of bread slices, she absorbed her surroundings in. Though Pip's poem offered her little, it did give her an idea. Toast. Yes. The most basic form of alchemy... The art of taking one thing and manipulating it through dark means to turn it into a new and vastly altered construct. If she could pull this off, Celestia would no doubt have to take back her rude inclination. Luna took a slice of bread against her horn, impaling it at the crust before looking about the kitchen again. "To where hast the royal chef placed the---AH-HAH!" Luna cut herself off as she spotted her desired target.
"The alchemy device!" The toaster as the commoners called it. Luna scraped her horn against the slot of the toaster and loaded her piece of bread into it as carefully as she could. She had seen that contraption burn even the hardest of tarts to a golden brown; she did not dare trifle with it for long. But, this was important. Luna assessed the slice of bread over once, making sure it was just right inside the toaster's slot. Once she was sure, she clipped her hoof against the tab on the side, sending that brave, lone piece of bread into the depths of the device's coiling heat.
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
Luna did not blink once... Watching as the dark slot of the toaster seared red with heat building up within it... Alchemy was such an interesting process... And yet, it was also a long one... Surely... If Luna, princess of the night, blustered the power of the toaster, it would produce twice as much toast from the single slice of bread. Such was simple logic with magic. Thus, Luna sparked the hue of darkness from her horn and aimed a light twinkle to the heating toaster. Just enough--
"...You just couldn't eat the sandwich, could you?" Celestia, ruler of Equestria, sighed as she stood over the crumbled, charmed remains of her throne room.
The mass of Canterlot guards hustled from one side of the obliterated castle to the other, unsure of what they could even do as every brick laid in ruin with layers of black crust marked over every inch of them. The only body other than Celestia that was not overlooking the damage was Princess Luna as she stood beside her sister, munching on the fruits of her victory. "And thou said I could nay make breakfast on my own..." Luna scoffed in victory, enjoying the taste of a flaky piece of toast against her mouth.
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Why do I get the feeling this is going to be just like Luna Vs. The World: Microwave?
Phew, thank god.
I thought the Luna X [human appliance] fad had died.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hey guess what??
YEAH TOAST!
THOU SAYETH SOME ATROCIOUS WORDS!!!
Reminds me of when I try to make toast.
Heh, we share cover art!
That was fantastic. Super big smile the whole way. I think I might take to calling the toaster the alchemy device from now on, so is the honor I impart on this fic and therefore onto you.
omg... I loved how it skipped from waiting to Celestia going what the ever loving hell...
I wish I could destroy my house making toast
XD
LUNA?! HOW?! JUST HOW?! DID YOU DESTROY THE PALACE BY MAKING TOAST!!? HOW!?
Luna, Luna, Luna...
At least she used the best type of bread.
This was great, I love seeing mundane things being made out as epic. One small stickler though,
"...purpose echoing along with the claps of her naked hooves against the dull carpet flooring."
Would her walking on carpet have really made any noise? Did you mean to put tiled flooring? eh, who cares?
Adorable story, definitely gonna look up some more of your work later.
I would LOVE to see a dramatic reading of this.
This is such a great story, anyhow.
It's the funhouse mirror version of Progress, then. Nice!
Guys, it's happened again...Flinx has struck gold. Short, sweet, delicious gold.
Hahahahaha!
Okay that was good, even though I did expect that to happen. Nice work, you had Luna down perfectly.
She should try to make ramen next
destroyed all of canterlot by making toast!?!?!? i'm dissapointed in you Luna
and you didn't even put jelly, jam or butter on the toast...
IfWhen this gets featured, I think i'm going to have to take a break from this website for a long while.Odd how I have to look to real world literature for an escape from this. Things usually go the other way around.
I had a smile on my face for the entire story.
You're a comedy genius and can write Luna perfectly no matter what she's doing.
Always good for a smile with these one-shots.
There is no price on the fabulosity of a perfect piece of toast...... The Castle was expendable!!!
I loed this little nibble of comedy.... So simple... yet... so funny!!
Oh, Luna... Why you so cute trying to figure out the technology of today? XD
Luna = MLP: FiM's Mr. Burns.
2710659
^this
Saying average FOUR TIMES peaked my interest.
And so I have read it, and so I can relate.
HUZZAH FOR TOAST!
While a very funny story, something caught my eye that could turn into a story all on its own.
"Lord Pipsqueak"
Luna doesn't seem the type to exaggerate when speaking of someone's station. She always struck me as very particular about that. Which means if she's calling Pipsqueak a Lord, he must be one.
So, does that mean Pipsqueak is actually nobility, or did Luna ennoble him because he proclaimed her his favorite Princess ever? Either way, that alone could make a premise for a very interesting story.
If he's Canterlot nobility, why was he - as most nobles would say - "slumming it" in Ponyville? If Luna made him a Lord, how did the rest of the nobility take it, and what effect did it have regarding his family (assuming he has one in this continuity)?
2714558 Short answer, he is nobility.
And once again we are reminded of why Luna is best princess.
One error I found:
Pretty sure that's what you meant to say. Could be wrong.
The alchemy device.
Have an upvote, kind sir.
*Grammar Nazi airstrike*
It is has or hath, since hast is the obsolete 2nd person singular present tense form of thou. Using it otherwise simply is grammatical nonsense.
That is thou saidst, or thou saidest. Every verb which belongs to thou needs an -(e)st ending. Exceptions are verbs in the subjuctive mood but that's not the case here because the phrase is neither a command, a wish, or a request but rather a statement.
Very cute! Luna adjusting to the modern world stories are always good for a laugh. I especially like the idea of a toaster as an "alchemical device". Thanks for writing!
Genius.
I lol'd. Those toasters... Conniving contraptions are they; silvery, silent saboteurs just waiting for the right time to strike...
Bravo, good show. I spotted a typo, I think. You wrote "blustered" when "bolstered" would make more sense. Other than that tiny detail, fantastic story.
(Thou hast amused us greatly with thy tale of toasted misfortune, o humorous scribe!)
(Yes, well, let's see how funny you think it is when you get done rebuilding the castle, Lulu. By hoof. One brick at a time.)
(...'twas still worth it.)
The world conspires against dear Luna. Awww, one day, you will be able to get somthing right....
This is the FUNNIEST story ever!
2709898 Me too. It's been long, hasn't it?
Well, at least she made toast
"inclination" I think you meant implication.
Delicious.
2710659>>2714408 You're safe. Not long enough to get featured. Pony Verbs a Noun stories are part of why the 4k word requirement exists
I recorded a READING of this on youtube here. Hope its okay with you overlord.
Who needs a house when you have toast.
That's not a limerick. The rhyming scheme is correct but the metre not. The 3rd and 4th lines are supposed to be shorter than the 1st, 2nd and 5th.
Usually
9 syllables,
9 syllables,
5 syllables,
5 syllables,
9 syllables.
Also, "blustered the power of the toaster?"
I think you mean "bolster."
you looked so very at peace curled against your pillow. You even had that little bit of drool at the corner of your lip. You know the one. The one you get when you have flighty dreams of so-and-so. I digress. It would have been a crime to have woken you up when you seemed so happy sleeping in. Regardless, I have left
she seems like a sleep stalker watching luna sleep
Nice!
LOL WUT?
Msuftacke for yor good sir.
A;so Im drungk
...now I suddenly want to see an image of Changelings constructing a statue of Chrysalis upending an avian of some sort, with said avian flying in the direction of Canterlot Castle.
YOU ARE A COMEDY GENIUS!
Came for the cover art, stayed for the premise.
Gotta say, though, I didn't find this as funny as some others...
Was still an amusing read, though.