Part 7: Round Two: Applejack and Spike Vs the Flim-Flam Brothers; Twilight Vs the Everfree Forest and Trixie
Applejack raised her head from the bush she had found herself dropped into by Chrysalis’ teleport. She looked around cautiously, wary of any ambush by the Changeling Queen. What she saw made her spirits raise and brought a frown to her face. She was in the middle of the south orchard of Sweet Apple Acres.
The trees were growing new fruit, but were several weeks away from being ready for harvest. The Zap Apple orchard was not too far off, barren for now, waiting for the howling of the timberwolves. The Everfree Forest stood dark and forbidding within eyesight. She hadn't been doing more than a cursory walk-through of this field for a while, there could be anything hidden out here.
She crept out of the bush, hissing as the brambles tore out tufts of lavender coat. She was still a little disoriented from the teleport, but knew this place like the back of her hoof and it allowed her to quickly get her bearings.
She began to trot back towards the farmhouse, keeping her eyes open and her ears swivelling for any sound. When she heard hoofsteps coming she ducked behind a tree, readying herself to pounce. She waited until the pony was nearly past the tree she was using for cover, then she jumped out with a rodeo yell and landed on the back of a lavender unicorn who let out a surprised yelp.
"Ah! Fruit bat! Get it off, get it off, get it off!" Spike cried, thrashing about.
Applejack rolled off the transformed dragon with a sigh. "Darn it, Spike! You scared the hay out of me, sneakin' up like that!"
Spike relaxed as he saw that he wasn't being attacked by the fruity fauna and gave Applejack an incredulous look, which actually made him look even more like Twilight. "I scared you? You just jumped on me!"
"Thought you were a Changeling or somethin'," Applejack said, getting up and offering Spike a hoof to help him do the same.
He accepted with a grateful nod, still a little uncoordinated on four legs. "Well I'm not. Where are we?"
"South fields," Applejack answered. "That varmint dropped us off right in Sweet Apple Acres."
"Why?"
"Can't say, but I know it can't be good."
A rumble went through the ground, like a small earthquake that shivered up their legs. "Whoa! Did you feel that?" Spike asked, wiggling each leg in turn. "Is that normal?"
"I felt it, and no it ain't," Applejack said, looking around. Another rumble rolled through the earth. A whistle sounded, much like the one on the friendship express, and the air was filled with the sound of squawking birds as they took flight from the trees, fleeing whatever it was making that sound.
"What do we do?" Spike asked, another shudder making him stumble.
"I think, maybe," Applejack began, and then the trees were pulled aside like curtains and a massive metal beast with a half-dozen grasping, whipping arms reached for them. "WE RUN!"
The two lavender unicorns took off running, and the machine followed. Steam billowed from a dozen tubes rising up from its back, a grill in its chest showed the inferno that powered the massive boiler. It stood on two thick metal legs, stepping forward with an awkward lurching that shook the ground with every step, but covered a surprising amount of ground. On the contraption’s shoulders there were two glass bubbles, each encasing a control station and one of the Flim-Flam brothers. They worked the many levers and buttons of their controls with both hooves and magic, their eyes covered by welding goggles and their bodies already most of the way through transforming into copies of Twilight.
"A new invention, my dear!" Flim's voice boomed from the machine.
"A one-of-a-kind prototype!" Flam exclaimed.
"You have the honor!" Flim regaled.
"The privilege!" Flam expanded.
"The once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of seeing the first test drive of the incredible!"
"Impossible!"
"Impenetrable!"
"Flim-Flam Brothers Super-Steamy Apple Picker Two-Thousand!" they finished in unison.
"And guess who the first apple we've decided to pick is!" Flim added with a sneering laugh.
"Aw, great, they've got a Super-SAP," Spike huffed. "What are we gonna do, Applejack!"
"I got an idea!" Applejack called in reply.
"Great! I'm all ears!"
"Well, you know what they say: the bigger they are!"
"The flatter they squish you?"
"Darn it, Spike! I'm tryin' to tell you the plan! It's wanderin' around on those two stilts, what do you think happens if we trip it up?"
Spike's purple eyes widened. "Ohh! Yeah! How are we gonna do that?"
"I know where some rope is, we'll grab that and then we're in business." Applejack whooped in excitement, turning down a row of apples and grinning as she spotted the roped off section that marked out where they had treated some trees for a minor blight. "Grab it as we go!" She told spike, then suited actions to words, snagging the rope with her mouth as she passed, pulling the stakes it had been tied to completely out of the ground. Spike fared a little worse, but he managed not to trip himself on the rope.
"Alright, on three we turn back around. You go and wrap your end around a tree, then bite down and hold with all your might!" Spike mumbled something in response, the reply too muffled by the rope in his mouth to be audible. "I'll take that as an 'A-OK'," Applejack said. She looked ahead, fixing on a pair of thick, sturdy trees. "One! Two! Three!"
They juked to the side, wrapping the rope around the trees and holding tight. The Super-SAP, too ponderous to change direction or speed easily, stepped right into the rope. Spike cried out as he was dragged into the tree, but managed to hold on. Applejack dug her hooves into the dirt and willed herself to stay put. There was a long moment as the Flim-Flam brothers worked their controls furiously. Then the iron behemoth began the slow topple to the ground.
Applejack's elation quickly deflated, however, as several of the arms reached out and halted the fall before it had gone halfway down.
"A fair try, my dear," Flim congratulated.
"But the Flim-Flam brothers Super-Steamy Apple Picker Two-Thousand isn't so easily beaten!" Flam exulted.
"Aw, horseapples," Applejack said, then took off running.
"It didn't work!" Spike cried, coming up next to her.
"I see that, Spike!" Applejack snapped back at him. "But I'm plumb out of ideas! Can you think of anythin'?"
"Find Twilight?"
"Easier said than done, sugarcube! Who knows where that witch sent her!" Applejack shook her head. "No, we gotta get out of this ourselves. Come on, Spike! Help me out here!"
"Uh... I don't know! I've had hooves for less than an hour and I'm running all over the place and my teeth hurt and that thing looks unstoppable! If Twilight and everypony else were here, maybe! But if you think we can take it out on our own, you’re crazy!"
"Crazy... Spike! I got it!" Applejack cried out, changing her heading so that they were angling deeper into the orchard.
"You do?" Spike asked, panting as he fought to keep up with her. "What is it?"
"Well, we can't beat that monster machine. But we can beat the two no-good hucksters runnin' it. All we gotta do is get to 'em!"
"Great! How are we going to do that?"
Applejack saw their destination up ahead. "By exploitin' my little sister's mad genius is how!" She leapt, clearing several times her height and rolling through the open door of the Cutie Mark Crusader's clubhouse. She skid to a stop, already searching the piles of random detritus that the Crusaders had accumulated.
Spike clambered into the large treehouse after her, panting hard from the run. "So... what... are we looking... for?"
"One of those fillies’ less brilliant ideas," Applejack said, digging through a pile of discarded props for cutie-mark attempts.
"Like the rocket sled?"
"No, not that."
"How about the hang-gliders?"
"We don't have a tree tall enough to make those work."
"The home-made fireworks?" Spike continued guessing. Which meant he wasn't actually looking for anything, much to Applejack's annoyance. "The full-body exercise machine that ejects weights at high speed? The stuff they made to get rid of tree sap that also melts steel? Oh! How about the jet-powered animal dryer! That one could work!"
"Spike!" Applejack said, quieting him. "None of that. If it ain't ridiculous it's downright dangerous, more to us than the Flim-Flam brothers. I confiscated all of that the moment I heard of it. And I don't even know how to work that dryer, so it's out. No, I'm thinkin' somethin' simple. Somethin' that ain't got as much chance of backfirin' on us as all that." She smiled as she found what she was looking for.
"What could that be?"
Applejack withdrew her find. "Cutie Mark Crusaders pogo warriors."
Spike stared at her, then at the souped-up pogo stick in her hooves. One look was all he needed to see that it was a weapon of war, and it had seen hard use. Its spring squealed with every movement, its glued on spikes drooped, its hoof-grips were bent into awkward angles, and its built-in air-pressure-assist bounce amplifier was covered in heart stickers. To such a magnificent engine of destruction there could be only one response: "If it's all the same to you, Applejack, I'm gonna keep running."
"The hay you will!" Applejack said. "This here contraption put a hole in the barn roof when they used it. It'll make right quick work of those fancy snowglobes the Flim Flam brothers are sittin' in. Now come on! They'll be here any moment!" She tossed the doom-pogo to him and pulled out its slightly less battered twin.
Spike managed to catch the over-engineered spring, giving it an uneasy look. "I don't know, isn't this just as dangerous as the fireworks."
"Probably," Applejack said with a shrug. "But at least these give us the option to aim." The steam whistle of the Super-SAP announced the arrival of the brothers. "Let's go, Spike! Aim for the glass!"
They rushed out of the treehouse. The Flim-Flam brothers maneuvered their monstrous apple-harvesting device into sight and charged. Applejack pulled the ripcord of her pogo and it let out a growl of power. Then she took a deep breath and leapt from the treehouse porch, putting her hooves into their places on the pogo and letting out the ancient battle-cry of the Apple clan: "YEEE-HAAWW!!"
The pogo hit the ground. The dirt exploded away in a circle of destruction as the pogo's various bounce enhancement systems activated. Then, with a sound akin to a long hollow tube with an irate porcupine stuck inside, it shot Applejack up high above the orchard. Spike and the brothers watched with open-mouthed awe as Applejack flew in a graceful arc, tumbling end over end in the most amazing feat of aerobatics they’d seen an earth pony perform. She twisted and spun seven hundred and twenty degrees on the vertical and many more on the horizontal, managing to keep her hard, purple stare fixed on her target the entire time. As the arc hit its apex Spike was sure that he saw Applejack pose as she hung suspended in the air. Then she was falling, the business-end of the pogo aimed squarely for Flim's seat.
Flim yelled in panic, working his levers furiously, but to no avail. Applejack's fall came to an end right above him, and the ensuing second bounce shattered his protection and threw him completely out of the Super-SAP.
"Brother! No!" Flam bellowed.
"Spike! Get him now!" Applejack yelled as she shot high into the sky, her voice trailing away.
"Whoa," Spike said, staring at the vanishing purple dot that was his friend. Then he looked at the metal giant and set his features into a determined, confident grin. "All right, you're in for it now!" He jumped from the treehouse, hit the ground in a perfect pogo stance, and bounced face-first into the metal chest of the apple-picking monstrosity.
The Super-SAP tilted back and, with Flam unable to work the controls fast enough on his own, it fell to the earth. The crash of the behemoth made trees jump and ripe apples fall for half a mile all around. Then everything was still. The Super-SAP lay on its back, Spike sticking out of its body like a limp lavender lawn dart, held fast by his embedded horn and dazed from the impact. Flam pushed at the controls, but the machine refused to budge, and his window was similarly stuck in place, trapping him in his seat. Flim stood up from where he had been thrown, brushing dirt and twigs from his coat as he surveyed the damage.
An explosion a little ways off heralded Applejack coming back to the ground again. The pogo shot off sans-rider as she galloped back to where the beast had been slain. She took in all of it with a glance and a smile. "Good work, Spike," she said, tipping her hat to him.
"Gwuaghuhhh..." Spike replied.
"Well, now," Applejack said, stepping around to trap Flim between herself and the metal body of the Super-SAP. "Looks like this SAP's been sapped." She grinned at her humor. Flim just stared at her with a confused expression. "Come on now: 'sapped'," she said, her amused smile turning quickly to a frown. He just shook his head. "Like, you knock a pony out with a quick blow they been... you know what? Forget it. Serves me right for tryin' to be clever.”
“...Huuughwaaa?”
“Why, thank you, Spike,” Applejack said. “At least someone appreciates this here attempt to be high-brow. Now, let’s get down to it. You two are gonna tell me what that no-good snake Chrysalis is up to, and you’re gonna do it right quick.”
“Hold on there, my good mare,” Flim spouted. “The Flim-Flam brothers aren’t done yet!”
“That’s right!” Flam exhuberated, his voice muffled by the intervening glass. “We’ve still got aces up our sleeves!”
“Do ya now?” Applejack asked, quirking an eyebrow. “Seems to me like you got one pony stuck in his own personal fish-bowl, and the other fixin’ to get a hoof to the teeth. Don’t look like aces to me. How ‘bout you, Spike?”
“Aaabluuhh?”
“Right you are. So.” She pawed at the ground, stretching out her hind legs one at a time. “Do you wanna talk to me? Or should I introduce you to Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee?” The brothers shared a long, worried look. Applejack decided to encourage them. “And before you decide, keep in mind that I kick trees hard enough to shake apples out of ‘em. All day, every day.”
Sweat dripped from Flim’s ruler-straight purple mane. “Now, miss, let’s not be hasty,” he supplicated.
“We don’t know anything about Chrysalis’ plan,” Flam abetted.
“We were just doing this for the money!” Flim elucidated.
“All we were supposed to do was distract you!” Flam appended.
“Distract me? But why?” Applejack turned in the direction of Ponyville.
“...Aaaooowww.”
“You said it, Spike,” Applejack said, shaking her head. “Whatever it is, it can’t be good.” She turned back to the brothers. “Now, are you two gonna behave, or am I gonna have to get serious?”
They shared another look, shrugging at each other. “I suppose, ma’am, that our job has been done,” Flam conceded.
“You beat us fair and square,” Flim concurred. “You’ll get no more trouble from us.”
“Well,” Applejack said with a satisfied nod. “That’s that, then. But you still stomped up a good part of my orchard, so it seems to me like you owe me some.” Flim and Flam’s eyes widened in identical lavender alarm. Applejack allowed a sly smile to answer their worries. “But I think I know just how you can repay me. Listen close, boys, here’s what y'all can do…”
***
"–Teleport us! Aw, I hate it when she does that!" Twilight growled as the green flames faded from around her. She stomped a hoof, but resolved to take stock of her situation. She peered around, finding herself in a very dark place. An attempt at a light spell only produced a few sparks and a throbbing headache. "Agh! Rarity! Why, why, why did you have to aim for my horn? You know how much getting hit in the horn messes us up."
The completely unexpected response to her complaint was a low growl and the hot, swampy smell of rotting vegetation. Twilight froze. "Oh, Chrysalis, you didn't." A dull glow began to light up the darkness, but it wasn't a comforting light. No, this was the eerie glow that came from the eyes of a dozen lupine creatures made from sticks and leaves and moss. Timberwolves. A dozen of them, all staring right at her. "I'm going to get you for this, Chrysalis," Twilight promised as the plant creatures began to stalk towards her. "I don't know how, but I swear to Celestia, Luna and, I guess, myself, that I will."
Then with the speed and confidence born of years of experience, she turned and ran screaming. Adrenaline surged through her as her heart pounded, the miracle drug allowing her to focus through the pain enough to force a spell. She teleported blind, emerging from the flash of her magic among the sunlit trees of the Everfree forest. The blast of pain from the effort staggered her for a moment, but she shook it off as the howling of wolves told her she hadn't exactly gone far.
The wolves burst out of their den, the entrance barely ten feet behind her as Twilight started running again. She galloped across the uneven ground, sparing a glance behind her every now and then to gauge how far she had gotten from the pursuing wolves. Or, as it turned out, how far they had gained on her.
"Timberwolves are nocturnal!" she shrieked at them. "You shouldn't be this energetic in the middle of the day! Go back to sleep!" They provided a rebuttal in the form of a snap at her tail that pulled a few hairs out. This being a rather effective argument, Twilight decided to concede the debate to them and focus her efforts on escaping further discussion.
They were all around her, snapping at her flanks and forcing her to turn. They were driving her somewhere, and she quickly realized it. She knew that allowing them to do that would be dangerous, but she couldn't see any way to prevent it. Finally she saw what they had been herding her towards: a cliff. The sheer drop was one of the Everfree-standard two-hundred foot falls, the kind that were inexplicably peppered throughout the forest.
She was trapped. If she stopped, she would be torn apart by timber wolves. If she jumped, she would be smashed into the ground far below. Maybe she would be able to get off a teleport before she hit the ground... maybe. A quick look at the jaws of the wolf pacing her, amber saliva dripping from its wooden jaws, and she decided a chance was better than nothing. She poured on the speed, lowering her head and closing her eyes as she leapt from the precipice and waited for gravity to take hold.
Which it never did. When she opened one eye to check why she wasn't plummeting to her death, she discovered that this was because she was, in fact, an Alicorn princess. Wings and all. "Oh," she chuckled sheepishly. "Right."
She turned back to the timber wolves and smirked in foalish superiority. "Thought you were gonna get me, huh?" She laughed. "Nice try, but as you can see I'm not so easy to --"
The giant bird came out of nowhere, snatching her from the air in silver claws and crying in victory as it carried her away. Twilight grunted in pain as the claws wrenched her wings, twisting them into pained uselessness. She managed to fold them down before they were completely pulled from their sockets, but the pain kept her from taking stock of her new situation for a few minutes. Once the pain had faded enough for her to look around, she ended up staring open mouthed at the enormous gray and blue bird. "A thunderbird," she gasped. "So rare that there's at most five confirmed sightings a year! And it's going to eat me!" That terrifying realization lasted all of thirty seconds before a new fact dawned on her. "Hey! Thunderbirds eat lightning and rain! I'm not your primary food source! Put me down!"
The majestic beast obliged, letting go to spill Twilight down onto a surprisingly soft surface. A cloud. A cloud shaped into a rough bowl. A cloud shaped into a rough bowl that also had a quartet of pony-sized birds with stubby, unfeathered wings. A quartet of pony-sized birds that were eyeing Twilight hungrily.
"Thunderbird chicks, on the other hoof, often supplement their diet with meat until they leave the nest," Twilight said with a sigh. She tried to flap her wings, but a screaming pain made her rethink that idea. So, with few other options left, she took a deep, cleansing breath, shook out her tousled mane, and glared at the baby mythical beasts.
"Well, okay," she said, setting herself solidly on all four hooves and lowering her horn at the enormous hungry chicks. "I've spent the last two days fighting insane alternate universe versions of myself, only to come home to find out all my friends were also turned into clones of me. I've been beaten up, hung upside down, humiliated and dumped in the Everfree forest with my magic on the fritz. I have been chased in broad daylight by nocturnal predators and been mistaken for baby food by a legendary avian. I have had a bad day." She held her head high, the intensity of her stare making the hungry chicks hesitate. "But you know what? My friends are in danger! And if there is one thing in the world I will not stand, it's my friends being hurt! I'm Twilight Sparkle! Princess of Equestria! I've faced bigger than you, and I've just about run out of patience. So come on! You want to do this? Let's do this!"
She punctuated that last by stomping her hoof on the cloud underneath her. Which did what clouds will do when a pegasus –or Alicorn– kicks them: it broke apart. Right under her. She had just enough time to stare ruefully at the empty air beneath her and snap out an exasperated "Oh you have got to be kidding me" before gravity did its thing and she was once more tumbling down.
She closed her eyes and seethed. It was going to be a long fall.
Fortunately, it had been a low-flying nest that just happened to be above one of the many rivers that flowed through the great forest. Unfortunately…
"Piranhas?! Oh come on! This isn't even remotely the right climate!"
Two waterfalls, some rapids, a whirlpool, innumerable fish bites and one shark-riding bear attack later, and Twilight dragged herself from the river. She fell onto the relatively dry earth with an exhausted thump and gave voice to the one thought that was beginning to define her current predicament: “I hate this forest.”
“Appropriate,” came the unexpected response. “Since it seems to Trixie that this forest hates you.”
Twilight looked up at Trixie. The other mare was nearly a carbon-copy of Twilight from before she had become an Alicorn. She also looked like she'd been through as much trouble as Twilight had. She was missing her hat and her cape was torn and ragged, covered in dirt, twigs and leaves. She grinned triumphantly at Twilight, her eyes split halfway between her natural hue and Twilight’s purple. That split was made exceptionally noticeable by a flare of green changeling magic separating them. "Hi, Trixie,” Twilight said, too tired to muster a more energetic greeting. “Do you think you could give me a moment?”
“The great and powerful Trixie is always willing to face her opponents at their best!” Trixie proclaimed, tossing her mane back in a way that simply did not work with Twilight’s style. The green magic in her eyes flashed and her haughty expression turned to a scowl. “However, this forest is not the only thing that hates you, so Trixie thinks she will make an exception.” She raised a hoof.
“Trixie!” Twilight cried. “Wait!” But it was too late as Trixie’s hoof came down and everything went dark.
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Wow, this must have updated like just before I looked. Cool to see an update again for this!
Oh my, it seems the Everfree is pretty unhappy
Poor Twilight, the forest hates her!
Good to see more of this. Keep it up!
I read the first half while listening to this music.
Delayed update aside, wow, I never would've thought so much crap could happen to anyone consecutively like Twilight at the end there.
~The lavender unicorn eagerly awaits more shenanigans
Welp, it seems Twilight is not having a good day at all. Not at all. Heh, it appears that the Everfree Forest has decided on one of Twilight's worst days to play rough with her. And, Trixie is not helping with the situation, either.
...By the way...shark-riding bear? Hmmm, do I detected a cameo of a certain 'College Humor' predator duo?
Next chapter is something along the lines of 'Lavender Unicorn vs Chrysalis' isn't it?
I'm seeing a distinct lack of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in this chapter.
That is SOOOO not trixie
It lives! Huzzah!
I really hope Apple Bloom gets a mad science cutie mark when this is all over and she hears how she was instrumental in defeating the Flim-Flams. (She probably won't, but I still hope she does.)
Also, the Everfree clearly does hate Twilight, though I can't help but suspect there's more here than meets the idea. Shark-riding bears are never seen outside Strong Badia.
In any case, looking forward to more.
I think you mean 'uselessness'
Another zombie story rises and writes among us!
See? She should have stabbed Trixie to death with her horn! Then this wouldn't have happened!
*Remember kiddies, always kill your enemies! And then banish their souls to a soul-destroying void, just in case!*
Two things: One, "she" should be uncapitalized to attach the sentence fragment that it starts to the preceding quote. Two, "Spike" is a proper name and should be capitalized.
This sentence cause uncontrollable giggling. Kudos.
Imagine if this happened at Hasbro.
"Think of how much we'd save by only having one voice actor! Fire everyone but Ms. Strong!"
...I can't resist. Have a picture.2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/78/86/ae337cca08898bef6ad72a3310d74afc.jpg
Is this a Ninety-Nine Nights reference, or am I just imagining it?
I love this story so much. The comedy is solid gold. Can't wait to see more of it.
4448045
Actually, it has been proven that paying just 1 actor/actress to do all the parts has a tenacity to be more costly than getting unique actors and actresses for all the parts.
Do they crap thunder as well? Because that would be really cool!
4449346
Hm. The more you know.
Woah long time no see.
o.o
By god that paragraph with the pogo stick made me laugh far more than it should have XD Cannot wait for the next chapter :D
1.bp.blogspot.com/-9uaOrk0cjoM/UkzJNIYjqyI/AAAAAAAACyw/K-4BchHSbZU/s1600/Its+alive.jpg
Wow, that's a lot of improbable dangerous things Twilight found!
...On reflection, we do not see enough Everfree in the show. This stuff is why ponies stay the heck away from it!
Clever and hilarious work from Applejack. And great work with the Flim-Flams; I could seriously hear their voices speaking the dialogue!
4448045 That's not a shark-riding bear. That's a bear-riding shark. Or maybe, more accurately, a shark-wearing bear. I dunno.
BEARS WITH FRICKIN' SHARKS. YEAAAAAAAAAH.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey. The Everfree Forest may have technically been a season opener villain, but Chrysalis did NOT mention enlisting it in her team. I call bullshit. This is totally cheating.
Purple ponies on power-pounding pogos!!!
*boing!!!*
Cool story. Good fun factor. Needs more chapters. Will there be more chapters soon? Pweatty pwease?
Dragon
Will this be continued anytime soon?
I'm disappointed that Spike and Applejack didn't get their Pogo Warrior and/or floppy lawn dart cutie marks.
Will this story ever see a conclusion?
need more
Wait, what? WHAT!?!? Where is the next chapter? This cannot go unfinished. This is an outrage
But seriously. This story is awesome and hilarious. Please continue it.
Plz write more this is my favourite story!
Quite the hiatus if its been 4 years long...
8729106
At least it's tagged On Hiatus.
Some don't even care about changing their fic's Incomplete tag for 4 years if not more.
Will this ever be continued?
9098821
Doubt it
8913232
-cough- Harmony Theory... -cough cough- I mean... I didn’t say anything...
That story was pretty fun. Sad to see that it hasn't updated in years, but what's here is fun.