• Published 11th Jun 2013
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A Trusted Friend in Science and Ponies - Rethkir



A sequel to Better Living Through Science and Ponies

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Chapter 04: Lemons


In the darkness of night, three upright silhouettes trekked across a moonlit field. A tall, thin figure led the trio, followed by another, which was larger, but hunched over. Trailing the pack was a small and scruffy creature. The two in the front and back were carrying handheld devices. A small, orange light was shining from the device in the front, while the other shone blue.

“Are we’s there yet?” the small one in the back whined.

The leader stopped and turned around. The moonlight hit his face, revealing the Diamond Dog leader, Rover. “Ugh! Does it LOOK like we’re there? When was the last times Ponyville looked like an EMPTY FIELD!?”

“But we’s been walking forever! How do we’s even know we’re goings in the right direction?” Spot retorted.

“Haven’t you been paying attention to what Master said? She put a compass thingy on my portal thingy.” With his free hand, he pointed to a dial on the portal gun on his arm. As he swiveled the gun, the arrow on the compass stayed pointed in the same direction. “It points to the purple pony, so all’s we’s have to do is follow it!”

“Duhh, what were we supposed to do with the purple pony again?” the large dog in the middle asked.

Rover smacked his forehead. “Weren’t any of you paying attention? We break into her house in the giant tree. I fire a yellow portal on the floor. Gladys tolds us to be dead sure that its was yellow and not red.” He took a small metallic cone out of his vest pocket and held it up. “Then we puts this thing onto her horn which stops her from doing magicks. Then we pushes the pony into the portal, and she falls through into a cell in the cave. Then the Princesses takes cares of her.” Rover had a menacing grin as he said that.

“Then we get the cake?” Fido asked excitedly.

“Yes! But only if we do it right,” Rover exclaimed.

“But, uhhh, how do we get into the tree house?” Fido asked again.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” In his rage, Rover raised his portal gun in the air and bonked Fido on the head with it. “Spot uses his portal thing to fire a portal through a window, then he fires one on the outside. That’s how’s we gets in.”

“Oh,” Fido remarked plainly, rubbing his sore head.

“Yes! What part of that wasn’t clear?” Rover shouted

“Uh, what if her windows are locked?” Fido asked.

“I don’t know! Break it! We just needs to get the purple pony! That’s it! Now, we’re wasting precious time. Let’s get there before the sun gets up.”

The trio resumed walking for some time until Spot suddenly stopped. “Hey, if we’s can use these portals, then why in the name of preciouses are we walking?”

The other two stopped as well, dumbfounded that they hadn’t thought of it before. Rover was so enraged, he slammed his head into the ground. “Ghaaaahhhh! We walked that entire time! Why didn’t we just teleport?”

Fido simply stood still. He was muttering something to himself while doing what looked like calculations with his fingers.

Rover snapped to Spot, “Then what are we waiting for? Shoot the portals. If I do it, we lose the portal back in the cell and then we has to start all over again.”

Little Spot fired a portal on the ground in front of the group. A solid indigo oval appeared in front of them. Then he fired a cyan-colored portal as far as he could across the field, which, due to his short stature, was only a few feet away. With two portals placed, the connection opened. On the ground in front of them, an image of the indigo sky appeared within the purple ring.

“That’s not far enough!” Rover complained. “At this rate, it’ll be faster to walk. Fido, lifts him up.”

As he was told, the husky dog picked up his small counterpart and lifted him above his head. Spot had a much better view of the landscape. He could see the horizon much further away. Aiming as far as he could, Spot fired another cyan portal on the ground about a mile or so away.

“That’s more like it!” Rover shouted. “Let’s hop in!” The three jumped in the portal in rapid succession, only to find that they became upside down when they exited through the other side and were constantly falling and changing directions, bumping into each other as they popped in and out of the ground like dizzy whack-a-moles.

“Ahhhhhh! Make it stop! Make it stop!” Spot squealed.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Fido groaned.

“Ah, no’s you don’t!” Rover was eventually able to grab the rim of the portal, but the others falling through knocked into him, and he tumbled out of the portal. He looked at the color of the luminous ring to confirm which side he came out of. Light blue. That was good. After a few more seconds of undulating, the others figured out how to get out as well. Fido made it over to the cyan side as well, although Spot found himself getting out through purple. However, he was able to crawl through to the other side fairly easily.

“Ughhhh.” Fido bent over facing the portal on the ground and emptied his stomach’s contents into it. The vomit fell through the hole for a moment, before turning around and coming back out and falling again in an endless cycle. The bobbing cluster of goop resembled a chunky lava lamp as it undulated in dynamic equilibrium.

The Diamond Dogs were not known for being hygienic, but the others were still repulsed at the display. “Okay! Next time, we jump through one at a time,” Rover called. Let’s make another one.” Again, Fido held Spot above his head, and the small diamond dog fired a purple portal in the direction that Rover was pointing. Unfortunately, the vomit was in the air on their side of the portal at the time, so it continued falling through.

“Dahh, how do we make it stop?” Fido said as he scratched his head.

“I gots it!” Rover exclaimed. “Spot, fires a light blue portal on the ground right here.” He pointed to a nearby spot on the ground.

“Dah, isn’t that cyan?” Fido interjected.

“What? Since when have you been one to care about getting words right? Fine! Spot, fire a… ‘cyan’ portal.”

Spot created a portal there, but he did so while the puke was on the other side, so it still came through.

Rover smacked him in the back of the head with his free hand. “Do it when it comes over here!” The next time, Spot waited for the geyser of gunk to peak, and then created another cyan portal nearby. The stomach juice finally hit the ground, splattering as it did. As small glob had settled within the ring of the portal. Fido decided to clear it by hurling the small dog through. Spot managed to land on the other side. Rover followed through. It wasn’t that difficult when one was used to the sensation of changing direction. Fido followed after, also getting the hang of going through portals.

This continued for a couple more iterations until they reached an area that was populated with trees. They eventually wizened that creating portals on vertical surfaces made them much easier to travel though. After not too long, they reached a place with many buildings. This must have been Ponyville. This place was alien to them. Why would ponies want to live in these above-ground homes with windows which let in the sun?

The streets were deserted. Since GLaDOS told them that it was important that they are not seen, the gang crept surreptitiously in the shadows. The dial on Rover’s portal gun kept pointing towards the large tree on the other end of town. When they got to it, they stood silently, figuring out the best way to go. It was the strangest tree they had ever seen. It was several stories tall and had a very wide circumference. The trunk and leaves were populated with windows, and there was doorway at the base.

When Spot came up blank, he squealed, “Now what do we do?”

Rover slapped a hand on Spot’s mouth. “Quiet! We don’t wants to wake the sleepy ponies,” he hushed.

“Yeah, we won’t want to wake them!” Fido repeated, but louder.

“Shhhh!” Rover silenced. “Now, let’s look for a way in.”

They searched around the house. Rover jiggled the front door, but it was locked. The little one fired a portal at a nearby window, but the ball of purple light dissipated when it struck the glass. Fido gruffed in frustration. “Well, we tried everything, so there’s nothing left to do but break the glass.” He wound his fist up, and prepared to give the ground floor window a good breaking. “Fido smash!”

“Wait!” Rover hissed. “There’s an open window high up there!” He pointed up near the top of the tree, and sure enough, one of the windows in the foliage was creaked open to let the warm summer night breeze pass through. “Shoots through it.”

Spot raised his gun up high and aimed for the window. He fired, but the shot hit the leaves and got lost within them. He tried again, this time hitting the ceiling inside the window, creating a cyan portal. He paused afterwards, blinking stupidly.

“Well?” Rover finally spoke.

“Well what?” Spot asked.

“WELL AREN’T YOU GOING TO FIRE ANOTHER PORTAL? GIVE ME THAT!” Rover grabbed the gun off Spot’s arm. He tried putting it on his left arm, but had trouble since he was carrying another with his right arm and was getting impatient. After a while of struggling to get it on, he gave up, throwing it to the ground. He ripped the orange-striped portal gun off his right arm and placed the blue one on instead. He fired at the ground, but instead of the purple one he intended to complete the link, a cyan portal formed, replacing one inside. He kicked the little dog in anger, then shot through the window again. This time, it was purple.

Below them, they could see a wooden floor. They flocked to the edge of the hole, scanning for their objective. The smaller one couldn’t get a good view since his larger companions were blocking him. “Move, I can’t see!” He squeaked.

“Wait! We can’t all see through at once. I gots an idea…” Rover exclaimed.


Twilight Sparkle was sleeping comfortably in her bed, with her assistant Spike sleeping in a small bed on the floor nearby. They were blissfully unaware of the glowing hole in the ceiling. A small pugly beige head poked through. Jowls hung from his face towards the floor, blocking his eyes. “I can’t see! Ack! These things are blocking my vision!” he called.

“Quiet,” a scraggly voice hushed from above. “Just hold them out of the way.”

Spot grabbed his jowls and held them away from his eyes. He looked around, but part of the inside of the tree still blocked his complete view of the room. “Lower,” he whispered. His head descended further into the room, revealing his full body, a pair of large, gray arms holding his legs. Spot had a better view, but he still couldn’t see what he was looking for. “Rotate me.”

As he was told, Fido strafed around the edge of the portal. Finally, Spot had a good view of the purple pony in the bed, but he wasn’t going to say anything just yet.

“Well, do you see her?” Rover demanded.

“Yeah, do you see her?” Fido echoed as he dangled the small dog by his feet.

Spot was feeling cocky, and he spoke to them in a sing-songy voice. “I dunno? Maybe I’d tells you if you didn’t kicks me!”

Rover was fuming. “Ugh, we don’ts have time for your games. Tell me if you sees her, or the big guy over here is gonna drop ya.”

“I am?” Fido questioned

“Yes! You are.”

“But I don’t want to! You were being mean to him.”

“What? You too? Fine, we’ll do this the hard way.” With his free hand, Rover tickled the larger Diamond Dog, who struggled to maintain his grasp.

“He he he he! Stop that!” Fido sounded even more like a doofus than usual when he was laughing.

The upside-down dog below panicked. “Wha – what are you doing?” Despite his fear of being dropped, Spot continued holding on to his jowls.

“Do you see the purple pony?” The leader demanded.

Down below, Twilight Sparkle groaned and rolled from the ruckus going on in the ceiling, but remained asleep. Not far off was Spike, who wasn’t even slightly disturbed by the less-than-stealthy break-in.

“Yes, yes! I see her. Now stop!”

Rover complied. Fido was able to finally breathe. “Point to where she is,” Rover ordered.

Spot moved an arm away from his face to point, but a jowl flopped down and hit his eye. “Ow!”

“Good. Let’s get her,” Rover called from above. Fido lifted Spot out of the hole, turned him right-side up, and dropped him back in. He was light enough not to make a thud on the floor. The other two followed suit, using their arms to hang from the edges of the portal and lower themselves, landing on the floor as quietly as they could. The place had a lot of strange rectangles on shelves. The Diamond Dogs had no idea what they were for.

Despite their efforts to be undetected, they were surprised to be greeted by the fixed stare of an owl which was perched by a window. “Who.”

“Shhh, keep quiet,” Rover hushed.

“Who?” the owl responded.

“You! You keep quiet.”

“Who!”

They tried sneaking past the perched owl, but its head followed their every movement. “Who!” louder this time.

“Shhhhhhhhhh,” Rover hushed again. He made a gesture pointing behind the bird towards Fido. By some stroke of unimaginable luck, Fido somehow understood what Rover was getting at and snuck behind the brown owl as Rover and Spot kept its attention.

“WHO!”

The hulking Diamond Dog inched closer from behind, lurking within reach of the owl. In a swift motion, Fido grabbed the owl with both his arms. It tried flapping and hooting, but Fido covered its wings and beak.

“Get some string, or tape, or something.” Rover whispered. He went to help Fido secure the struggling bird as Spot rushed to find something that would secure it.

He tore through the drawers of a desk, muttering “string, string, string,” until, luckily enough, he found a spool of thread conveniently lying on top of the desk. He grabbed it and ran over to the other two Diamond Dogs and the owl. As the others held it down, Spot wound the string around the owl until it was completely wrapped like a mummy. As Rover held onto the beak, they were finally able to tie it shut to prevent the bird from hooting. After the owl was secure, they put it down gently. It looked back, only blinking.

“Owlowiscious?” a sleepy female voice mumbled.


The Diamond Dogs froze. Their hearts were racing. This was it: it was now or nothing. In panic, Rover remembered to get the yellow portal gun, as Master had repeated so many times and stressed the importance of. He looked around, seeing that it wasn’t in the room or on any of them. Spot was shaking his arms and Fido was crouched in a ball.

A few groans came from the bed. It was clear that Twilight wasn’t awake yet, or if she was, she was too tired to open her eyes. “Spike, liv Owloisious alon and geh back tah bed–” Her voice was muffled in her half-sleep state.

Rover was hit with the realization that he had left the yellow portal gun outside on the ground. Thinking what to do, he paced in a circle on the floor. After a few laps around, he remembered to shoot a purple portal on the floor, right in the center of where he was pacing.

He hopped through and came out the ground on the other end, making a perfect landing. He scanned the area as fast as he could until he found it. The Diamond Dog clenched the device in his left hand and ran back through the portal into the room.

He tried getting it on his left arm, but was too nervous, and again, couldn’t do it. “Quick, put it on.” He held it up in the air, waiting for one of them to grab it. Fido jumped at the call and grabbed it. As,he put the device on his right arm, they heard some shuffling from the bed. “Common, Spike. Back ta behd!” Twilight was sounding more agitated than before.

When Fido got the gun on, they headed up towards Twilight’s bed, which was on a landing on top of some stairs. All three could feel their hearts pounding their chests as if they were trying to escape. Rover took the small cone from his pocket, prepared to put it on Twilight’s horn. “Now remember,” he whispered, “Gladys told us that we had to fire the yel–” A solid red oval appeared on the floor next to the bed. “–low...”

The three Diamond dogs stared down in horror. They all knew what this meant, and it wasn’t good. Fido shot a yellow portal next to the red one, but it was too late. Both portals led to the same room, and the link back to the base was gone.

“Abort the mission! Abort the mishiiionn!” Rover screamed as quietly as he could. In panic, he dropped the magic dampening device on the floor and ran off the landing. The other two followed, crashing onto the floor below and shaking the tree as they did. As quickly as they could, they scurried into the purple portal in the center of the room and fled as far away as possible.


The noise and shaking from the Diamond Dog’s escape was the last straw that woke Twilight Sparkle up, but by then, they were gone. “Rainbow Dash, did you crash into my house again?” she mumbled, half asleep. There was no reply. Twilight opened her eyes to see what was going on; she couldn’t see anything. Slowly, she crawled out of bed and–

“Aaaah!” Twilight suddenly fell through the floor, only to find that down was now up and she was a few feet away from before, only to fall back through in an endless cycle. She could see the holes in the floor that she was falling through. One was red and the other was yellow. The experience was very disorienting; her oscillating fall slowed down over time, eventually stopping. Now, Twilight was floating with her waist at the center of the hole. She could see her legs coming out the other portal right beside her. The upper half of her body felt normal, but the lower half was upside-down.

Who could have done this? Twilight thought. And why? A magenta aura shimmered around her body as she telekinetically lifted herself out and onto solid ground. Telekinesis was easy for a unicorn, but lifting yourself required a much greater deal of concentration. Twilight looked at the two portals on the floor beside her. She knew what they were, but was confused why they were red and yellow.

Twilight heard a faint ruffling sound and looked around the room. In the very center, there was an indigo portal. Through that was the night sky. This must have been how the intruders broke in. But what did they want with her? The curious part of Twilight’s mind clicked, but for all the wrong things. Hey! There are portals in my own room! And they’re different colors. I should study them. Hmm, does the color mean anything, or is purely cosmetic like I presume orange and blue are? I know! I should study how gravitational fields are affected in the regions surrounding the quantum flux zones.

She heard the rustling again, which snapped her out of her distracting thoughts. She looked around, and what she saw stopped her heart a beat. “Owlowiscious!” Her faithful owl companion was tied up the floor. Who would do this? As she ran to help her pet, her hind leg kicked something small and metallic that was lying on the floor. It rolled in an arch, and fell through one of the portals. Twilight looked at the seemingly innate object as it settled bouncing. It appeared as if there were two of them, one in each portal. The object shimmered as Twilight grabbed it with her magic. It glowed from both sides of the portal, but she only focused on pulling it out of the closer one. She lifted it up higher so that she could get a better look. It was hard to see in the dark, so she trotted briskly to the nearest light and turned it on.

Now she could see what it was. It looked like a cone, slightly larger than her... Dear Celestia. “Spiiiike!” she called. The little dragon was still sleeping. Twilight ran up to the little dragon, and shook him violently. “Spike, wake up!”

“Huh, whah – what is it Twi?” Spike said sleepily.

“Somepony’s broken in the house! They used portals. Owlowiscious has been... Omigosh, Owlowiscious!” She ran over to where her nocturnal pet was tied up. “Get a quill and some paper,” she yelled while she ran.

Twilight placed the cone down. “I’m so sorry, Owlowiscious,” she apologized as she untied the knots that bonded the bird.

“Who!” he hooted as he fluttered himself free.

“I know, it’s just that...” She picked the cold metallic cone back up with her hoof and stared at it.

“Here, I got it!” Spike ran towards her with a quill in one claw and a parchment in the other. “What happened?”

“Just write to the princess. I’ll explain as I dictate.”

Spike made a salute and lowered his quill to the parchment.

“Dear Princess Celestia, Somepony has just broken into my house using portals. Spike and I are fine, but I have reason to believe that the threat made against me was serious. I found a magic-dampening device near my bed, just like the ones that were put on our horns a few months ago. Please come here as soon as you can. I’m...” Twilight began to cry. “I’m scared. Your faithful student... Twilight Sparkle.”

Spike finished scribbling the letter, rolled it up, and belched a green flame onto it. The letter burned in the mystical fire, which traveled out the window and into the night sky. Twilight distracted herself by thinking about the similarities and differences between Spike’s fire breath and portals, but snapped out of it when Spike asked her something.

“I’m sorry, Spike, what did you say?”

“I asked if you’re going to be alright,” Spike repeated with concern.

“I think so. I mean, Celestia would never ignore something like this, it’s just that... what if... what if... she’s still alive?”

“Who? Who’s still alive?” Spike asked.

“Who?” Owlowiscious repeated.

“You know... her... the one who kidnapped all those ponies, including myself and my friends, and the princesses. What if she’s not dead? “Twilight was panicking. “What if–”

“You mean that robot thing? Don’t worry. I’m sure Chell took care of her.”

“Didn’t you listen to what I told you? Chell never saw her die. She lost consciousness before she appeared outside near us. None of us know how she escaped, and she never saw... GLaDOS... actually die.”

“Maybe Owlowiscious saw who came in here. I mean, how couldn’t he?”

Twilight ran over to her pet owl. “Owlowiscious, who did this to you?”

“Who?” the owl replied.

“You! Who broke in and tied you up?”

“Who!”

I’m asking who, not... Ugh, never mind!” Twilight facehoofed.

“Yeah, I can’t get him to say anything else either.” Spike snapped his fingers. “I know! Maybe Fluttershy would know what he’s saying.”

“Oh, I just hope the princess arrives soon,” Twilight said eagerly.

As if on demand, a blinding flash of white light filled the room. When the flash dissipated, a familiar, tall figure with outstretched wings stood in its wake. Something looked different about Princess Celestia, but Twilight could not quite place it for a moment. Then she realized that the princess’s royal regalia were missing. In place of her golden necklace was a neck that was bare and pure. Instead of a tiara, her mystical ethereal mane flowed without restraint. Her pristine, white hooves graced upon the floor. On her face was a look of deep sorrow and fear.

“Celestia!” Twilight called as she galloped towards her beloved mentor and friend.

“I’m so sorry, Twilight,” was all Celestia could say. Twilight jumped at Celestia, giving her the biggest hug she could. Celestia, in turn, wrapped a wing around her student like a daughter, continuing to speak. “I was asleep when you sent the letter. My sister notified me immediately, and I came as soon as I could.”

There was a pause as the princess held onto Twilight, grateful that nothing happened to her. “When Luna told me what happened... I feared the worst. I’ve dealt with many losses in my life, but if anything ever happened to you... I don’t know what I’d do.” The feeling that Celestia gave was anything but royal. In the past, she had been overly formal with her student, but now she wished that they had spent more time together, not as a teacher and student, but as friends.

Spike was eager to see the princess, but knew that it was best to give her and Twilight some space.

“I’m just glad that you’re here now,” Twilight replied. “I think... if things had gone differently...” She picked up the magic dampening cone for Celestia to see. “Do you think it was... her?”

Celestia picked up the device using her magic and examined it. “Hmm... this looks just like the ones in the vault, but I don’t know how anypony could have broken in. I’ll do an inventory check when I get back to the castle. As for these portals...” the white alicorn looked at the purple portal in the center of the room, and then glanced at the yellow and red ones that were side by side up on the landing, “... none of the portal guns in stock create any colors other than orange and blue, and I don’t think the colors can be changed. I would imagine that there are some portal guns unaccounted for.”

“So, what does that mean?” Twilight Sparkle insisted, her voice trembling.

Celestia sensed that Twilight was still fearful, so she spoke in a soothing tone. “I’m not sure, but I don’t think that we should fuel our fears by speculating the worst.” The portals started disappearing one-by-one. Soon, they were all gone. This only added to the question of who was behind it. Twilight turned her head away from Celestia, staring at the empty floor. The princess brought a calming hoof to Twilight’s face, gently turning her head back. “Perhaps Chell might know something about these portals. We should ask her in the morning. In the meantime, I’ll stay the night and make sure you’re safe. Would you like that?”

Twilight nodded. She was getting tired and no longer felt like talking.

“Good,” Celestia hushed. Using her magic, Celestia summoned a large circular bed on the floor. “Now get to sleep. I’ll watch over you.”

Twilight got onto the bed and rested herself. Celestia laid beside Twilight and wrapped a wing around her like a blanket. Underneath her wing, Princess Celestia could feel Twilight curling up close to her body. “Goodnight, my little pony,” Celestia whispered.

A hundred questions were left unanswered, but they could wait for morning to come. Until then, the princess cherished the little unicorn beside her, wishing for her safety. After a short while, she felt the rhythmic movement of Twilight’s breathing, and Celestia was relieved that Twilight was free from her worry. For the moment, she was safe. Celestia prayed that her dreams would be peaceful and free from fear and angst. Little did she know that the night would not be so kind towards her would-be kidnappers, as their princess was an unforgiving one. Celestia lifted a wing to see the sleeping pony beside her, and then gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. “Goodnight,” she repeated one last time.