If your life is turned upside down and you're forced to be on the constant run, what would you do? Would you wallow in self pity or simply laugh at this new reality and carry on? For 8 ponies, self-pity comes with the price of allowing life in Equestria to be destroyed. They must be strong, resilient, on take care of each other on the journey that awaits them. The destiny of Equestria has been involuntarily placed in their hooves and they must awaken a power stronger than the Elements of Harmony if they hope to be triumphant against an evil alicorn bent in destroying the 'meaningless cycle' that she considers life in Equestria.
Chapters (6)
cant wait!
I'd track.
This is something. I look forward to seeing where it goes. It hold some promise to being a great epic.
I suck at reviewing so don't mark my words on this. So there three things I have noticed when I was reading. Sometime you write ``i`` and other times ``I`` You need to write ``I`` in majuscule everytime because you are talking about someone. You need to put more space betwen paragraphs it was a little hard to read at some points. Also you sometime create a new paragraph for nothing when you should have stayed with the same paragraph.
Example:
The rest should have been in the same paragraph the space here is useless, the story look good definetly have potential if done right, I'm tracking this waiting for more.
Okay, first thing I have to say, you should probably get a pre reader, I was skimming and I noticed a few mistakes, mostly just not capitalizing and separating different characters' speech and indenting. All in all the story is pretty good, there are a few tacky things, but they were balanced out. I think you could have actually turned this into two parts, I feel that there is actually too much information for a multichapter story and I hardly ever say that. At the very beginning I found it a little hard to follow, before you introduced the characters' names, calling them blue pony, pink pony, etc. threw me off. Villain is a little generic but that's fine, but did she really have to monologue? This is actually a really interesting story and I'd like to see more, this has potential to be epic.
Objective critique:
- Wandering is not spelled with an 'o'
- Please do paragraph breaks when you finish a sequence of events
- Avoid using parentheses in the story
- Tell the reader what the spell is (unless it is being hidden for plot reasons)
- Please, for the love of Celestia use names, and not just colors. I feel like I don't even remember a single character for more than a minute.
- It is too early in the story to reveal deep and dark insecurities like dead parents
- Flip this statement around:
- Flip this statement around:
- Add more descriptions and work on steady pacing
- Cutie marks? Blank flanks?
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Need => I <= say more?
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Same i capitalization problem, and ponies don't have hands.
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Awkwardly phrased.
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-There are a lot of spelling mistakes that you should proofread out.
Negatives:
You clearly are a beginning writer, and will have lots of plot related issues, as well as trouble with pacing, character development, spelling, and word choice.
Positives:
This is only your first work. The more you write the better you will get and the more advanced your methods will become. These first few times don't get your hopes up. Every great author has the first piece of writing s/he wrote, and let me tell you, I look back in horror at the amount of arbitrary mistakes I made in my first one. It was so bad I decided not to post it. Anyways, good luck on your story and I hope you get something out of my review. Your story isn't completely original, but it works for a first story.
Good Luck!
Thanks for all the feedback guys i appreciate it! Being the beginning writers we are, we'll take more time on the second chapter proofreading and formatting it properly. Last thing, we'll capitalize every "I" where it is needed and essential.
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Your review is gonna help out a lot, thanks for taking the time to notice all those mistakes so we can fix em in the oncoming chapters ^-^
Just going to drop in and say something harsh before I go off to do something else. I'm not going to read this story, not even slightly interested. I saw your thread, and I have some friendly advice for you.
You have to write something original or at the very least vaguely interesting. This is particularly vital in the description. That is your advertisement, if you cannot get people interested in four sentences or less, you lose your audience. Don't mess it up, like you've done.
From that synopsis, I can honestly say I've not seen anything as generic-and therefore boring- as this in quite some time. I suggest smaller and less ambitious one-shots, with one or two characters. Really flex your brain for good ideas, that's what gets the readers to read your content.
Feel free to delete this comment if you don't agree with what I've just said.
PS: Try a bit harder with the coverart, if you mess that up you get even less readers.
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I guess not reading it is your loss but thanks for the advice, honestly criticism is what we need at the moment so rather than going on about how harsh that really was, i'll just say thanks.
First chapter has been sorta re-done and it has added details and format is fixed! Thanks for the reviews guys! 2nd chapter is out as well
Okay, I just have to say this before anything; commas, everyone has problems with commas, even I do sometimes. It is hard to know for sure when one should be placed half of the time.
Add the commas and you get...
“Excuse me for worrying then, oh, and by the way, I’m fine, thanks for asking,”
the ones in green are actually dependent on the character's speech and are correct either way, the one in red, isn't. (I know they are kind of hard to see... I personally read it with the commas and that's why I pointed it out.) Commas also go before direct nouns, ex. "What kind of question is that, sis?". (yes, in this case, sis, is a noun, as that's what he's calling her.) Basically, commas go wherever there is a pause in the sentence, although, in the case of direct nouns, there doesn't always have to be a pause. Also, "Excuse me for worrying then..." is one sentence, the rest is another sentence.
Also,
Just read this one aloud, "Alpha and he were...". Should be "Him and Alpha were...", also needs more commas after "hotel" and "then".
This one is just a pet-peeve of mine and my own opinion but,
Personally, I feel that it's more fluid if it's phrased as, "... Alpha said...". This, and some other speech phrases, I feel, go smoother when it's phrased, name, type of speech. ex. said, groaned, asked. This is just my personal opinion and is not incorrect the way it is.
He laid down, not lied. Lied is past tense of the lie, as in, to not tell the truth. You lie down, as he lays down, he laid down, he is laying down.
You mean, when she outlived them, right?
If it seems like I'm just ranting about this, it's because I'm in an analytical mood while reading this and I'm pointing things out as I go. I hope this helps you, even a little.
Other than that, just a couple errors, not too bad, and not things that would bother a lot of people.
This was a good chapter and I hope to see more. Keep up the good work.
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That actually helps a lot. Thanks for the feedback, and also thanks for pointing out the mistake when Luna is telling Destiny's story.
This, I like this.
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Thanks, I had a lot of fun writing that part.
I really enjoyed this story! Please keep up the good work!
Just to clear this up for you:
A mare is a fully grown female horse or pony.
A stallion is a fully grown male horse or pony.
A filly is a young female horse or pony (ex: Apple Bloom is a filly)
A colt is a young male horse or pony (ex: Snips is a colt)
A foal is a baby horse or pony, and the word foal is used for both genders.
A waiter is a male server in a restaurant setting.
A waitress is a female server in a restaurant setting.
I'm confused on the genders of both the 'waiter' (who you also referred to as 'she') and the 'filly' playing the instrument (who you also referred to as 'he').
Another point I noted was that in the show itself, accents are generally based upon where the ponies come from and parallel the real world (see: Babs Seed and Pip). As Fillydelphia is a play on Philadelphia, I am confused as to why you gave the waiter (or waitress, whichever gender) a southern accent. While transplants happen, it seemed a bit out of place.
Aside from all that, the grammar needs some cleaning up. Your pacing needs work as well-this goes very fast in the beginning and then does this weird drag-then-fast thing towards the middle/end of the chapter. You skimp on description when you really shouldn't, and the description you give tends to be very telly-you need to show more.
The characters, as you have them written right now, are very flat and uninteresting-even Discord, for pony's sake, and he's DISCORD. I would suggest getting a prereader/editor to help you with your story to make it an engaging and cohesive narrative.
I shall perhaps revisit this story when I'm not so sleepy and give a more in depth review.
Our dearest apologies, but we're gonna be late on yet another chapter. The reason being, we're learning a lot and trying to learn from our mistakes in future chapters and to give everyone a good and memorable chapter! :D Just thought we'd let all of you know. Another thing, we've decided that since two people run this account that we'd use our OC's names to better our communication with others and so you can ask either of us questions. Names are Omega and Virtuoso. Thanks guys!
-Omega
Just read the first chapter there and spotted a few spelling errors but otherwise has great potential. One question though, are the four friends the main characters or just the two siblings? Destiny sounds like a great villain because I like villains that destroy and think they are tougher and more powerful than everypony else when they actually aren't. Can't wait 'til I read the rest.
'We are sorry for your loss, and we want you to know that we will always be here for you.'
It reminds me of the mane six. Good friendship. Good emotion.
Sorry we haven't updated the story. School. Is. Killing Us!