My Little Pony: Discordia Girls

by GreyAcumane

Prologue - Flatulence isn't Magical

PHHBBLLPPPLLLLLTBBBPPPTTTTT!!!!

The noise that erupted from under her royal highness's royal hiney was splendiforous; the perfect balance of whistle and trumpet to make the royal heralds turn in their instruments and go on pilgrimages to reevaluate their life's achievements, yet with an undercurrent of sickly wet squelch that bookies spontaneously began taking odds on what Rorschach tests the stains on the throne's cushions would form, all lasting for such a duration that every listener had ample time to cycle through the full spectrum of emotions; from embarrassed, to sympathetic, to awestruck, to medically concerned and back to embarrassed again, before it finally petered out in an exhausted splutter.

From my vantage point behind a balcony overlooking the Crystal Empire's throne room, I hung my head in shame. The Crystal Empire's finest guards remained stoically at attention. The various secretaries and other miscellaneous servants didn't even pause in their duties. Celestia didn't even have the decency to lift her tail in shock, but patiently and serenely waited out the entire duration before using her magic to lift the gigantic whoopee cushion from under her seat and wiggle it in front of the Crystal Empire's own Pink Princess. Despite being at the very epicenter of the blast, she only responded with a fetching blush, some stammering apologies, and denial of involvement, all of which Celestia brushed aside with a pleasant laugh.

Luna yawned from behind me; "Really, friend Discord, what didst thou expect? The first time was most amusing and vexing towards our sister, but what does this bring thy current tally to?"

Celestia set the whoopee cushion aside and resumed her discussion, making plans for the upcoming ceremony. My body tugged the rope that tied a noose around my disembodied head, lifting it and my head out of the bucket of shame I had been dunking it in. I waited until the rope slowly spun me around to point towards the navy blue princess of the night before answering.

"Seventeen," I grumbled, still dripping excess shame back into the bucket. "Why are you still awake anyway? I thought you were napping."

"Twas not by choice. We wouldst rather have returned to our slumber to make ready for Twilight's arrival, but we were awoken by the whooping of thy cushion. Our morbid curiosity was piqued after it continued past the ten minute mark." Luna finished rubbing the sleep from her eyes and peered over the edge of the balcony to view the spent cushion for herself. "We must say, having it segue, halfway through, into full orchestra rendition of the old Crystal Empire's 'Hail to the Queen' was a stroke of artistic genius - topical even."

I took my head in my hands and stuck it back on the stump of my neck, giving a spin to screw it back into place.

"Oh, you're just trying to cheer me up now," I grumped. "No matter how I dress it up, it's still the same tired gag."

"Perhaps thou shouldst try something new?"

"I know that!" I threw my hands up in the air and turned around to face her, catching my hands on the opposite arms as they fell back down, "but I've barely ever done HARMLESS gags before. Not knowing if your toy would survive the play was half the fun of toying with it. The risk of what could be lost only made the victory more palpable. Come on, you remember the good old days, or good old nights, Lady Knight of the Piercing Moonlight Blade?" I nudged her in the barrel with my elbow.

She turned away from me, her eyes downcast, bringing her hoof across to rub absently near where I had nudged her.

"We wouldst rather not. That type of revelry hath caused much pain, and instilled much fear in our subjects."

I frowned. Luna used to be the COOL one; bashing monster butt, passing down challenges to her subjects that separated the wheat from the chaff. Luna was a Cavalier, a Crusader, the Sword to Celestia's Shield, but now she was sheathed. Luna noticed my look of disappointment.

"Tis not all bad!" she hastily reassured me, "why, on Nightmare Night, ponies have events from which they derive 'fun' and with barely any danger at all!"

She rubbed under her muzzle thoughtfully; "Actually, we were probably the only real danger there."

Oh right, because that makes everything better. In a thousand years of peaceful (read as: stagnant) rule under Celestia, the biggest technological or societal advancement was changing 'thee's and 'thou's to 'you's and coming up with the word 'fun.' The way these ponies used it, 'fun' should be a four letter word. It perfectly summed up just how DULL entertainment had become since I first got trapped in stone. As per Celestia's example, everything more than a mild diversion had to have a 'lesson' or some 'redeeming merit.' Luna had fallen low indeed if those petty games were enough to occupy her time.

I rolled my eyes. This time they came up boxcars instead of snake eyes. The boxcars were hitched to the rest of my train of thought and suddenly I could see where it all was going; It was a DISEASE! And I was beginning to show symptoms! Sure, Luna was dull compared to her wild heydays, but within a year of her return, ponies had already developed steam locomotion and automated cider contraptions. What had I accomplished since my reformation? Orchestrated Flatulence Orchestras! I, the Crown King of Chaos, the Ultimate Unseelie of the Unexpected, the Altogether Awesome Alligator of Alliteration, (the last one was more of a hobby really) was stuck in a rut.

I grabbed Luna by her regalia and shook her in my panic; "For the Love of Luna, I'm getting PREDICTABLE!"

Luna did a commendable job of maintaining her royal composure as her head whiplashed like a bobblehead on an unbalanced washing machine spin-cycling a bowling ball during an earthquake.

"We appreciate thy choice of Oaths, but would 'getting' really be the proper tense after the seventeenth use of that whoopee cushion?"

Luna brought a hoof to her head to readjust her crown back into place.

"You're right; it may already be too late! I can feel my creativity atrophying as we speak. Luna, if something interesting, and I mean REALLY interesting doesn't happen in the next five seconds I'm going to go funning MAD! Madder, I mean!" I shoved my face up against hers, my eyeballs bugging out until they nearly grazed her own, "I can't be responsible for my actions if that happens."

I let her go and pulled a cream pie out from behind my back, hefting it in my paw. With a snap of my taloned fingers, I pulled up a small lighter flame to start the fuse with. I counted down mentally while I decided where to aim for the most fallout.

Five.

The one guard closest to the throne caught my eye at first. He stuck out like a sore thumb, with his Gold Armor and completely different coat color. What was he, some sort of exchange guard back from Canterlot? He was a small fry though, and obviously of no real importance. No one would care if anything happened to him.

Sixty-two.

Celestia's smug mug was just begging for a cream coating, and Pretty in Pink would be horrified just from the sheer scandal. Still, Celestia was in her diplomacy zone, making her capable of rolling with anything. She had already defused my cushion, she'd probably be able to defuse my pie as well.

One and twenty-eight fourteenths.

Hitting Princess Sunshiney directly was a doomed tactic, but targeting her host was sure to make her temper flare.

Sixteen hundred thirty-one trillion eight hundred seventy-five billion four hundred ninety-seven million two hundred fifty-three thousand one hundred thirteen.

I adjusted my angle until I had the the allegedly lovely alicorn lady of love in my crosshairs. Luna noticed my adjustment.

"Discord, no! Our sister is inclined to tolerate thy games, but Cadance hath not yet her level of fortitude!"

O-

A messenger burst through the doors of the court, announcing the arrival of Twilight's train from Ponyville. Luna used my moment of distraction to cut the fuse on my pie short so the end fizzled out impotently, a tiny wisp of smoke curling up from where it lay on the floor. I squinted my eyes, glaring at Luna.

"Twas FOUR seconds and thou knowst it," she countered. "Do not try to deny Twilight Sparkle qualifying as a point of interest."

Well, she had a point. Though Twilight's personality sometimes reminded me of talking to a bald English gentleman, interesting events seemed to naturally gravitate towards her. With her becoming an Alicorn Princess recently, I could only imagine that effect magnifying. Still...

I hefted the pie in my paw while I weighed my options, but Luna stayed my arm with her hoof, giving me a look of apprehension that made me pause more than her hoof did.

"Please, Discord, refrain from disrupting today's events. Twilight is dear to her heart, and has done much for us as well. We convinced our sister thy powers could serve the greater good, and we truly believest thou capable of such."

She would have to bring that up; how she was the one to convince Celestia to release me from my reinstated stone suspension. Though it wasn't until Fluttershy spelled it out for me that I made the connection, I had realized then that Luna had been viewing me as a friend all that time, even after all I had done, not by necessity, but by choice. That in turn called for having the consideration to make concessions for the sake of that friendship. I mentally thanked Fluttershy again for teaching me that, even if it was usually a nuisance.

"Fine," I grudgingly agreed, lowering the pie and looking down at it with a sigh. It seemed like such a shame to just let it go to waste.

"Well, I'll be in my room," I said, floating off while I put my hands back on their proper limbs, "so let me know if anything interesting happens."

"We shall be sure to do so," came Luna's muffled reply.

The pie tin sticking to the end of her nose finally dropped to the floor with a clatter, revealing her face now completely covered in cream and bits of pie crust and filling, forming a fluffy beard that hung down from her chin as it started to drip. She wiped some of the cream clear of her eyes with a hooftip and took a taste. She hummed in delight and took a larger bite to munch on.

"Mmm! Banana, and quite yummy at that. Perhaps Cadance wouldn't have been so upset after all..."

I covered my ears as I rounded the corner, bracing myself as a loud explosion threw out a harsh gust of wind and smoke from the hallway I just vacated. As the smoke cleared, I peered around the corner, keeping my hands in place over my ears for what I knew was yet to come.

Luna's face was entirely blackened, her glittery mane of shadow blown completely off to coalesce near the ceiling, leaving her non-magical mane similarly darkened and sticking straight out from the back of her head. She coughed once, a thick puff of dark smoke escaping from her mouth. She inhaled slowly, finding her center of calm from which to maintain her composure.

"DISCORD! WHEN WE CATCH THEE WE SHALL WEAR THINE HIDE AS A THNEED!"

I grinned. The volume of the explosion had been nothing compared to Princess Luna's Fully Raging Royal Canterlot Voice.

I made myself scarce.

Comments

[Normal]

I came. I saw. I laughed me ass off. Now I need to see a surgeon to get it replaced.

[GreyAcumane]

2709445
I think Discord would be able to sympathize with the issue of detaching body parts.
That said, I feel it should be noted that all lawyers who have looked into the matter assure me that I cannot be held responsible for any posterior leprosy that may result from the act of reading this story.

[DARKPHANTOM13]

This should be good for a laugh.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Amusing thus far. I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

[Isseus]

Needs a cover pic, and it needs it NOW!

[GreyAcumane]

2709535>>2709774
Well, I figure no matter how good or bad the movie turns out, Discord'll be the perfect guy to lampoon it.

2711288
I know! But I'm still not sure exactly where the story is going to go just yet; I'm basically just pointing Discord in a direction and saying "go crazy, dadieo" and I'll use the movie to decide on how I structure it based on what the movie does or doesn't do.

I don't want to hit up an artist for something I'd end up replacing once the movie is out.

[FanOfMostEverything]

2711512
In regards to cover art, may I suggest the following?

[GreyAcumane]

2711710
Tempting, but I'm likely to go for an entirely different character design and/or situation for him, so I don't want to confuse readers.
As I've hopefully established, Discord has been itching to get his revelry on, old school style, and I'm still debating how much I want this story to be Discord antagonizing the human world and how much of it will be the human world antagonizing him.

[FashionablyHospitable]

The thneed is good...

[Rainbow Sparkle]

Ah, this was good. It shows both that Discord is chaffing under the bit from the lack of weird things going on, to the fact that he's still a god of mischief.

[Bardic_Knowledge]

Thneed?

[ShadowLDrago]

"DISCORD! WHEN WE CATCH THEE WE SHALL WEAR THINE HIDE AS A THNEED!"

The Dr Seuss is strong in this one.