• Member Since 11th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 23rd, 2015

Fenrir068


T

(*Not a Crossover, just inspired by the Sonic Adventure series.*)

With the help of some strange gem, Queen Chrysalis has attacked Ponyville and scattered the Elements of Harmony across Equestria. Now it's up to Rainbow Dash and her friends to retrieve them, but they'll need the help of the newest Princess to track them down. However, their old friend won't be the only one joining them on their journey: Princess Celestia's personal spy under the guise of a cellist and a clumsy pegasi, weather-school dropout also find their way onto the team. But with the Queen of the Changelings ready to thwart them at every turn, will Rainbow Dash be up to the challenge of collecting the Elements after what happened to her own?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 2 )

I think this story has potential. It is mostly error free as far as typos go (don't have a full list but I noticed Spike was not capitalized). Some commonplace issues in structure. The Apples' accent is technically correct "sounding" but the way it is written with the redundant contractions makes it difficult and distracting to read. Most of the time you can tone it down because the reader will fill in the accent themselves as long as we get the occasional reminder. Depicting the language she uses is more important than the accent to keep her voice IC.

You had more issues in the 2nd half of the chapter so remember to take it slow.

None of these issues are problematic enough to hurt overall enjoyment of the story and once there is more of it and I get a better feel for your storytelling ability I would be comfortable recommending this. Just needs a bit of polish.

2724119 Thanks, man. I'll keep all this in mind as i continue writing. I'll read through this first chapter again and fix the mistakes I come across, especially the ones you've specifically pointed out. I'm still a pretty new writer and I'm trying to find what style I'm going to end up portraying in this piece of work, as well as any following and future works. Once again I must thank you for your comment and I also wish you to have a nice day:twilightsmile:

P.S. The unnatural realism of your profile pic frightens me.

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