• Member Since 15th Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen January 11th

Bookish Delight


Something for your mind, your body, and soul

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Comments ( 84 )

Daww~. :twilightsmile:

This is such a sweet story. It's nice to see Apple Bloom and Babs really connect as cousins, and Babs's newfound determination truly resonates. My only point of contention is that if this takes place the night before, then it happened before Babs told Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon off. Remember, she did that at the train station before hopping on the train back to Manehattan. :duck:

Otherwise, nicely done. :moustache:

2693604
Appreciate the positive vibes--and good eye on my error! S'what happens when you watch a single episode over and over, I guess--stuff blends together. :twilightsheepish: I've made a fix.

Thanks!

Very cute story! I loved it.

I liked it. Cute, and warm, and all the stuff a good friendshipping fic should have.
One issue I saw is that in a couple places, you say that Babs is talking, when I think you probably meant Apple Bloom. Also a few missing, or additional quote marks. Maybe also a spot or two where a comma was needed to separate a character's name from the rest of the quote.

Apple Bloom hoofpalmed.

(...um... Ah did what, now?)
Ponies don't have palms. :facehoof: I think "facehoofed" is the expression you're looking for here. ("Facepalm" = apply palm of hand to face; therefore, "facehoof" = apply hoof to face. "Hoofpalmed" would mean applying the palm of the hand to the hoof, which makes no sense no matter how you slice it. :rainbowlaugh: )

Applebloom's dialect sometimes reads a bit "off". One of the things that really jumps out is her saying things like:

What's Manehattan like, girl?
"Girl never could just let things be,"
"No worries, girl."

Take it from someone who lives in the south -- people in small towns down here not use "girl" as a form of address like that. :twilightoops: That particular bit of slang is strictly a big-city urban thing, and at the risk of being politically-incorrect, one mostly confined to the inner-city black community (at least around here). Characters on TV shows may do this, but that's because most TV and movie scriptwriters who live almost exclusively in Hollywood or New York have no clue how southerners actually talk. :derpytongue2:

Also, the only people I know who use the phrase "no worries" come from Australia. I don't think Ponyville is quite that far away from Manehattan! :twilightsmile:

"It's a whole lotta things--it's the best candy I've ever had, it's a party in my mouth, it might even be my new favorite food--but I can't call this 'pie.'

Just a suggestion: When you use a double-dash as a separator like this, put a space before and after it:
"It's a whole lotta things -- it's the best candy I've ever had, it's a party in my mouth, it might even be my new favorite food -- but I can't call this 'pie.'
Just makes it stand out a bit more, and makes it easier to read.

Aside from that -- cute story! Always nice to see something with Babs; she's a sadly under-utilized character. (Granted, the fact that she lives in Manehattan, well away from all of the other characters, probably makes it a bit harder to work her into a story, but still...)

2694168
...wow, yeah, thanks. :O I've replaced the whole "facepalmed" alias with an actual sentence. I did screw up equine-translating the expression at first but after trying your (correct) replacement I figured I may as well just go for clarity in the end.

As to your dialect grievances: while I've personally lived in the deep south for a third of my life, I'm actually quite rusty. As such, I tend to run all my Apple Family stories by a longtime friend of mine who has lived in NC all his life. He tends to call me out on southern wording every time, and the "girl" acknowledgement didn't phase him. I'll run it back by him but it could be urban, or it might just be that the South is a big place. :raritywink:

Also, where I live now, I can vehemently assure you that Australians aren't the only ones who say "no worries." :twilightsheepish:

Anyway, your comments are filed and will be kept in mind for future story releases. This includes hyphenation. (No, seriously, I take all pieces of feedback into account and decide where to go from there.) Thanks for your in-depth review and I'm glad you enjoyed the story otherwise. :heart:

2694157
Thanks!

Some last-minute edits took place before I posted this, and I also noticed that Google Docs messed up my formatting when translating this to rich text. I thought I'd cleaned things up but it appears I might have to go back over this with a fine-toothed comb later tonight.

And there we go, back to form.

Welcome back, Bookie.

2694254
(Aw, don't mind him, sugarcube, he likes t' get persnickerty.) :ajsmug:
(...What doth this word 'persnickerty' mean?)
("Fussy", your highness. Picky. Pedantic.)
(Ah.)
(Hey! Get away from my keyboard, you two. *sigh* Everybody wants to get into the act.)
(Now you know what Trixie has to put up with.)

Anyway -- I suppose that use of "girl" could be spreading in some areas; a lot of slang does tend to start in the inner city and work its way outwards. "No worries" does surprise me a bit, though; I didn't think that had spread that widely. Maybe it's just because whenever I see that phase in someone's dialogue, my mental picture of the speaker immediately switches to Crocodile Dundee or Steve Irwin. :rainbowlaugh:
(Heyyy, there's an idea we haven't tried yet! :scootangel: Cutie Mark Crusader Crocodile Hunters, YAY!) (YAY!) (YAY!)
(NO!!) :applejackconfused: :rainbowdetermined2: :duck: :twilightangry2: :flutterrage: :pinkiegasp: (Nnnnnope!) :eeyup:
(Awwwww...)

Adorable, love it.

To begin this comment, I'll say that I enjoyed reading this. Apple Bloom is my favorite character in the entire show, and having her interact with Babs Seed was enjoyable to read. It was simple enough to not be melodramatic, but it was varied enough to encompass your goal: to have them talk about a lot of things (but not exactly everything, and I'll get to that in a little bit).

One thing I think you did particularly well, and one thing I liked a lot about this story, is that you take the time to set the scene. The drapes over the bed was a nice way to set this up as a secret meeting, and I feel like that brought the two closer to each other. The swing music further set the mood as secret, and was a nice touch. Also using the sense of smell was nice. I think this part:

Strange... the trip had never taken this long before. When she'd taken over Apple Bloom's room, she'd taken these steps two at a time and never broken a sweat. Now she felt weak trying to walk half a flight.

Was especially strong, since you incorporated the setting into a particularly characterizing way, showing a sense of nervousness and conflict with just going to a place. Overall, your setting is strong, I think.

Besides setting, though, I think your characterization is much stronger. Babs Seed is this sorta wounded pony that wants to be on good terms with Apple Bloom, and you show her nervousness and guilt fairly well, methinks. It comes out much more when she's trying to enjoy herself, too. Apple Bloom comes off as this pony that wants to bond with her cousin, and wants to put the past behind her. The bonding they have is very heartwarming, and the resolve Babs Seed has for establishing a new branch of the CMC in Manehattan is believable given what's happened to her here. That bit with Applejack at the end was heartwarming as well. Overall, I think characterization and character interaction might be the strongest aspect of this story (I can't say writing, since I've not read any of your other stories).

I think all that's left for me to talk about is the plot. I think you set out to write a simple bonding story between Apple Bloom and Babs Seed, and in that regard, it's really good. Talking about the big city was great, and you segued into the next topic about bullying nicely. The conversation between Babs and Bloom was very good; it flowed very well, it transitioned very well, and it concluded in a very heartwarming manner.

When you talked about the size and speed of Manehattan, it was believable and impressive. I think, though, that talking about bullies was a little underplayed from Babs's point of view. We know she was bullied, and you talk about her being bullied, but perhaps I wanted Babs to talk about individual bullies or experiences about being bullied. Apple Bloom talks about Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, but Babs doesn't talk about individual bullies of her own. I think, since Babs was talking about her experiences in Manehattan, talking about her own bullies would've made the story more complete. As it is, it feels like the story is lacking a bit—but not by much, mind you.

Overall, I very much enjoyed the story. The grammar was solid, the story flowed, the setting and characterization was excellent, and the conversation was great. There's just that one part I wanted to see more of, but that may be just me. I am upvoting and favoriting this. Thank you for writing it.

I wish you the best of your talents with your next story!

I have to say, I'm blown away by the elegant simplicity, the accuracy of Babs and Applebloom, and most of all, their various emotions that directed and effortlessly changed from one to another in the dialogue. This is definitely one of my favorite fics right now.:ajsmug:

Absolutely sweet. Ever since the two reconciled at the end of One Bad Apple, I loved seeing how close Babs and Apple Bloom have become, and this just solidifies it. Accurate characterization, heartwarming all around, and even a few laughs with Applejack at the end. Bravo! :pinkiehappy:

Good job, nice story :pinkiesmile:

There were a few mistakes here and there, and Babs's New York accent was a bit off :flutterrage:, but great story.

Also:

"S'a great place to visit," Babs replied. "We've got tourists for days. But to live there..." She preened. "...yeah. Takes a certain kinda pony. Bein' raised there really helps."

Completely true. But from my experiences, moving from a big part of New York to a small town, people here are meaner. Everybody knows each other, so rumors, insults, jokes, etc, spread like crazy. Less diversity, too, so even more discrimination.

You know, this was already in my Read Later list. Really cute slice of life story, anyways. Added to Twilight's Library.

Hey... just a couple editing notes:

"You what?" Babs did a double take. "R-really?"

^ In context, it's pretty apparent that that should be Applebloom xD

else to do what I did. ou have no idea how glad

*You

Nice job! I'll be watching this :twilightsmile:

EDIT: Several fixes made! Thanks again for all who pointed out problem spots. :)

Hi all!

It looks like a significant amount of typographic errors ended up in this copy of the story. For that I apologize. I'm out right now (on a tablet) but will be fixing those errors and touching up the grammar when I return to my home computer tonight, as well as answering any replies.

In the meantiime, huge thanks to those pointing out errors, and I hope you all still enjoy the story as is. :heart:

2695076
Thank you! I am honored. :twilightsmile:

Cute and well written.

Oh, these seems cute *reads*

2694911>>2694642 2694819 2695087>>2695296

Thanks, folks! I sort of live for fitting cute scenarios into the canon wherever I can, and the second Babs was redeemed in the show, I fell in love with her (I already liked her as we share a common origin point, but her becoming into the CMC's "extra ranger" pushed it over the top :pinkiehappy:).

So yeah, this story's actually been in the making since "One Bad Apple" aired. I just didn't want to just rush something out until I knew I had a decent concept and details to work with. (Editing will always be that thing that luck screws me over on, it seems... :twilightsheepish:) Glad you enjoyed!

Dawwwwww:twilightsmile: this was so adorable. Now see these are the stories I love to read. When you get characters like babs and Applebloom to really have a moment. Nicely done with setting the mood at the beginning too. Completely won me over before I got right down to the center. Great job and not like it matters but I have decided to follow you.:twilightsmile:

2694945
From one native Manehattanite to another, then: I think we both know Babs's in-show "accent" is exaggerated to the point of adorableness. :rainbowlaugh:

That said, it's my first time writing her and wow it's harder than it looks, especially when you're trying to both avoid and channel said adorableness. :twilightsheepish: I also have a rule with accented characters where I tone down trying to "spell out" the inflection all the time. It actually tends to have a counter-intuitive effect in the readability of prose.

Also, you're totally right about the "moving from a big-city to a small town" thing and I'll keep that in mind! By the same token, I merely figured AB and BS would both be suffering from the same sort of "grass is greener" syndrome. AB's country habits/behavior/environment would slip Babs up where AB herself doesn't really see it as a huge deal since she's lived there and gotten used to ponies like SS/DT (and let's face it, the show paints the Crusaders as pretty well-liked socially!) and vice versa.

Anyway, this isn't the only time I plan to tackle Babs and/or the CMC so if you want to check back in to see how I'm doing when I throw up future attempts, please feel free. :heart: Much thanks for the feedback!

2698566
Okay :pinkiehappy:
And yeah, you're pretty much right about Babs's accent. But your comment made me realize something. Something important.

Babs's initials are "BS" :rainbowlaugh:

This was a nice little story 5 moustaches :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

And now for my thoughts.

Positives: This was a really good emotional fic. Everypony is in character and the analysis of the relationship between Babs and bloom was relay well explored. To top it all off the story has a really heart warming ending.

Negatives: The thing with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon felt a bit unnecessary and really did not contribute much to the plot.

Overall: This is a fantastic heart warming fic that does a good job exploring the relation ship between Babs and Apple Bloom there is one useless section of the story but the fic is a must read.

-Keep writing and as always Don't Forget To Be Awesome.

2699947 I kinda disagree with your negative point. The story is about Apple Bloom and Babs Seed bonding, with Apple Bloom getting to know Babs's side of her life (mostly, as I talked about in my comment), and Babs and Apple Bloom reconciling the past events and getting a brand new start. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are two characters that the two have gotten to know well, so they have common ground in that area. They're talking about getting a new start, and Babs remembers a scene where Diamond and Silver display emotion, leading her to believe that they can feel, and that they aren't completely lost to cruelty and bullying, and that they can begin their relationship anew. Babs also makes a point about helping fillies and colts avoid bullying before they are lost to it, and she makes a point that even though Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are bullies, there is still hope for them in the future. I feel like it's a good thing to have in the story not only to keep a common ground between them, but also to illustrate the power and possibilities of a helping hoof.

However, I do agree that it doesn't do anything as is, and that's because, in my opinion, there's no context of the hug in relation to the current scene. Apple Bloom is hugging Babs because she's trying to get it across that she wants to truly start over with her; all the story implies about Diamond and Silver's hug is that they were, in the story's terms, "really hugging." It's vague, and doesn't give a clear picture of why their hugging was unusual. Friends hug, even if they're perceived as bullies by other people. There's nothing truly significant about the hug that gives it weight, that characterizes the bullies in a new way, in a way that shows that there's hope for them. It's just "really hugging."

And that may suffice for people; I don't know. That's my thought on it.

Really touching and well-done.

I know people tend to hate comments that are just an image, but I don't think there will ever be a better story for this gif.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpyw8mMyR51qbb4ado1_500.gif
also, I liked the story, even if I never liked Babs.

Really good :) The characterisation of Apple Bloom was great! Definitely heard all the lines in her voice and didn't hear anything jarring that wouldn't make sense for her to say.

I know this was written by a five year old, (because of the profile pic.) but I liked it.

Only because Babs was in it.

2703410
...hey!

Five and a half. :twilightsmile:

2700390

First thank you so much for critiquing my critique. I have to say I agree with your point, if I could expand my thoughts I probably would have said the same thing. Though I need to keep my critiques short and semi explain just so I don't waist to much valuable time of the author. However if anyone asks I'm always happy to expand my opinion.

I must say thought while D.T. and S.S. might help expand the relationship between Babs and A.B. the entire D.T. and S.S. subplot goes nowhere and does nothing to further their relation ship and provides information that does nothing. However I could think of several ways to turn this nothing into something which I won't get into the details but, it would mainly involve an epilogue, a sequel, or like you said explaining in a way that describes the what a "hug" means.

That was a very sweet story. Great job! :twilightsmile:

2694682

Hey, thanks for such a meaty reply! I love in-depth feedback but it takes me a little longer to process and respond to because, well, they're longer. :twilightsheepish:

I'm also really glad this piece has managed to please hardcore Apple Bloom fans like yourself and Babs fans. I've loved the CMC as characters even during the days of Season 1 where they struggled to find their footing (hoofing?) and always wanted to do some in-depth works involving them. Technically I have a long-form Scootaloo character piece which I'm currently in the process of retooling.)

Then along came Babs who refused to let go of me. Manehattan pride! :pinkiehappy: So here we are. Going as in-depth on which characterization and description techniques worked is appreciated--I'll be sure to remember those comments as I towk on future fics.

As for your comment regarding going more in-depth re: Babs's background, I actually have some plans for that, but they were beyond the scope of this story. Here I just wanted to write something up that could really fit into the actual episode without bogging it down. Anything I have beyond that falls into me making up my own (head)-canon, and I've deemed that more suitable for a separate, more relevant story. So, uh, watch this space, I guess. :twilightsheepish:

Thanks again!

2705589>>2703078>>2701950>>2700448>>2698161>>2699512

A huge "thank you!" wave to all of you. :pinkiesmile:

Beautifully done little story...five stars!

Well, that was a nice, heartwarming story to read before I pass out for the night. I liked your characterization of Babs and Apple Bloom, it was really nice and seemed to fit well with their character. I am curious about this:

(Btw you put a double quote here) "'Kay. Well, back when I was still with them, Diamond Tiara invited me to her house once, and while I was there, I went to get some water. Just as I was (about) to trot into her room, I saw her and Silver Spoon huggin'. Really huggin'. Like... like we are now.

What exactly did Babs mean by that?

2694168 This is a bit of information both of you may be interested in. You can use alt+0151 to create this— Or, alt+0150 to make this– Which takes the place of this--

"It's a whole lotta things– it's the best candy I've ever had, it's a party in my mouth, it might even be my new favorite food– but I can't call this 'pie'."

I personally like to do it this way– instead of spacing both sides. Personal preference, obviously you can do what you want, after all this is your story.:twilightblush:

I loved this story! You're a very talented writer. I particularly enjoyed your narrative work and your excellent mix of narrative and dialogue. The whole thing flowed really well. The only pity is that it's not longer. There are a few grammar errors, but that would just be picking. They are barely noticeable in any case.

The reason I came across this is because I'm in the process of doing research in to Babs for a story I'm writing and I must say, your characterisation of her is wonderful. I can see a few aspects of her character here which I really agree with and had never thought of myself.

Keep up the good work!

Yay! Makes me feel pretty happy. I feel that the dialogue needs something, but I can't put my finger on it. Oh well worth a upvote.

A very heartwarming story all around. It's nice to read a really proper heart-to-heart between the two cousins – The sort of scene that one must imagine happened somewhere during One Bad Apple but that we were never shown. My only negative criticism with the writing is that the dialogue seemed just a bit too mature for the fillies. It was slight, and it's a forgivable flaw, considering that dialogue is hard to get perfect, but it was definitely something that I felt nagging at the back of my mind as I was reading.

Overall, an enjoyable read. :twilightsmile:

2711265

Hi! Thanks for your feedback and help :pinkiehappy:

As for your question, "What did Babs mean by that?" Exactly what it says on the tin. Just that Babs saw DT and SS bugging they way they were at the moment. There really wasn't anything "deeper" meant by it--except perhaps a look into the future... :twilightsmile:

2756298

Yeah, I know what you mean. My forte is snappy dialogue, and you'll see this happen a lot in fics wherever you go--unless it's Diamond Tiara, the fillies on the show tend to only be snappy by accident. :pinkiehappy: Hence the dissonance. I can only promise to keep trying to refine things as I go.

Thanks for your honest feedback! Sorry it took me so long to get to this--it's been hectic. ^^;

2895058 Thanks for the response, I appreciate the acknowledgement of my feedback. Promising to work on refining one's writing in the future is all anyone can ask for, and I wish you luck in your future endeavors. :twilightsmile:

Finally got around to reading this, and I really enjoyed it. I don't come across many stories that are so purely character driven, yet still work so well.:scootangel:

2738497
Wow, thanks so much! I'm flattered that you're using me as a benchmark, but be sure that you finish your research (if you havent't already!) and follow your own heart with her characterization. I took liberties too. :pinkiehappy:

Best of luck with your story!

2905667
Thanks a lot!

And yeah, as I'm sure you've seen by now, character pieces are what I love. Comes at a price, though--I'm not really the one to call on when it come to grand sweeping adventures, for example. :raritywink:

Ah, this is such a well-written 'dawr' worthy piece! Your characterization of Babs is absolutely amazing, and the dialogue is just so fun to read. Both AB and BS's emotions and interactions are so authentically canon that it should have been in the actual episode! It really is the missing link between One Bad Apple and Apple Family Reunion! :raritystarry:

3176536
Thank you! That really means a lot to me -- especially that last sentence. :twilightsmile:

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