Meet Ned, your average earth pony with a very unusual gift. Ned can touch dead things and bring them back to life. However, this gift does not come without consequences; if he were to revive a pony for longer than a minute, he risks killing somepony else. Follow Ned as he attempts to solve the murder of his childhood sweetheart Chuck.
I know, I know, this is essentially a re-write of the first episode of Pushing Daisies, but there is an explanation for that; I did this to get the ball rolling in the series of stories I plan to write about this. So please, don't crucify me for doing something to lay the groundwork for upcoming stories.
Chapters (3)
Pet peeve of mine, spell numbers out.
Pie-lette? I see what you did there.
I've never in my life heard of a female anything named Chuck. The name sounds a bit strange on a female character.
Additionally, there is one problem that many authors fall into, and avoiding it can turn a mediocre-at-best story into a great one. It's called "show, not tell". This means instead of just saying what happens, describe it. Example: Cod’s suspect fell onto the dumpsters in the alleyway below, dying instantly, only to make contact with the Pie Maker, returning to life. is telling, while Cod's suspect leapt forward toward the building. He flew through the air, mane flying backwards-CRASH! The thief's body collided with the building's wall, just inches short of his target. The thief toppled off the wall, landing on a nearby dumpster with a slight WHUMP. et cetera, is showing. Believe me, it WILL make or break a story.
2698393
Actually that line and the name Chuck come straight from the show and considering that line has to do with my favorite word masticate...
Other then that I totally agree with you.
2698415 Well, I've never heard of whatever this is a crossover of, so please forgive me on that one.
2698432
It's actually a good show called pushing daisies. Rather quirky. I'd recommend it.
Thanks guys for the feedback, I will definitely fix those errors you picked up on.
Well this is interesting, I'm curious to see where you take this. It's good, made me want to go watch the show. There's not really anything to say that hasn't been said already, I agree with Normal and SLthethird, I also don't like to see numbers in the middle of words, I prefer them spelled out, and you could describe more than just saying what's happening. Other than that it's good, definitely piqued my interest.
2701743
Thanks, I'll be fixing those errors in the next few days, maybe even the next few hours.
is this off a t.v. show ? there was a show that I used to watch that was like this, it was awesome
I'm sad it is gone!
th05.deviantart.net/fs70/150/i/2012/236/c/c/i_have_no_friends_now_by_chirin98-d5cauan.jpg
At least you could have ponified the names...
3575413
Yes t is a retelling of the first episode of the tv show Pushing Daisies.
3575805 it was a wonderful show!
postfiles8.naver.net/20130812_87/wowsaram8_1376295971411A6SCi_JPEG/45.jpg?type=w2
3575822
Indeed, I was sad to see it go
As you requested, I'm starting to read through your stories and judging them. well, I love the premise, even if it is borrowed from Pushing Daisies. (I think I'll give that a watch. And it would be a good idea to state that it's a Pushing Daisies crossover in the description, rather than confusing people.) And I enjoy the quirky narration, though I imagine it's also borrowed from the show.
Now, there is one major problem I have with this prologue. It fails to make an emotional connection. A KID'S MOM JUST DIED, AND IT'S TREATED LIKE NOTHING!
And then the dad dies, and it feels like nothing happened. Only a few hours later, they are acting like normal. We never got to make a connection with these characters, so their deaths feel so meaningless. Nor can I connect with Ned, because he barley reacts to it. And as stated before, show, don't tell. This prolog should really be about 3 to 5 times longer than it is. I never watched the show, so I don't know these characters. So, you need to describe them in detail, set up who they are. You introduced Olive Snook without even describing this character. didn't even know her gender until going back to see that pronoun "her" was used. The Pie Maker seems to have become like a crazy, quirky guy, but how did he get that way after we cut from what should have been a traumatic childhood experience?
So, take the time to go into this, and put care into it. There is a lot of potential to make a strong emotional connection, but you never give the time or effort to do so. Unless you're a really good writer, it'll probably take a few thousand more words to do. Envision what is going on and what these characters are felling. DO NOT gloss over important events like they're nothing. BRING THE FEELS!
3618831
This was my first real attempt at fanfiction, so I'm sure you can understand why this story isn't exactly polished.
3618963 So is my story. You can always take the time to go back to make something better out of this.
I CAN expect updates, right?
5201876
I'm afraid not. Unless someone convinces me otherwise, this story is canceled.
5202732 WHY!?!?!?!?
5203314
Mostly because I feel very insecure about what I've written for it thus far. Let me explain. This was not my first MLP fanfiction, its actually my second. However, my first fanfic was so poorly received that I became rather depressed and paranoid about this one. So, its more of a self-esteem problem rather than a lack of ideas problem...
5203387 but this story is in my top 5 at 3!
5209081
I might bring this back when I'm done with Puella Magi Twilight Magica, but no guarantees, after all, I've got three more stories planned for my 'Magica-verse'
5209212 fine