Through the Void
Through the blackened abyss I floated, surrounded by an oppressive nothingness beyond anything my wildest nightmares could have conjured. I couldn't breathe, but it mattered not. Whatever this place was, it had its own rules. Every benign sensation I'd taken for granted—temperature, light, even the general feeling of having an area around me—was absent, like existence itself took a sick day to sit on the couch and play video games.
Describing that bleak plane as completely empty would have been a lie. While there was nothing in the environment for my body to interact with, I was far from alone. Alien thoughts crowded my mind, spilling over into the rest of my body like a fire hose filling a thimble. Hundreds of thousands of millions of words, sounds, and emotions—most of which made as much sense as a dog trying to talk while gargling mouthwash—formed ideas, opinions, facts, and every other manner of information.
Only the …
The few scraps in a recognizable language burned brightly in my mind like the business end of a white-hot brand. Screaming or thrashing would have been a slight reprieve, but my body couldn’t respond. Every cell in my body wailed in agony, vast quantities of data forced into things not meant to store knowledge. It threatened to overwhelm and wash me away like a sand castle before a tsunami.
... harmony …
For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was worried building that device had been a mistake. If there was no escape, how long would it take me to perish? Would this place even let me die? Which of the thoughts running through my head were my own?
... a god.
Something was tearing, but it was unknown whether it was me or something in the environment. I just needed to hold on and keep it together. My head bobbed in the waves of eternity, struggling to stay afloat for just a few more moments. It was like taking on Godzilla with a pocket knife, and I could feel myself fading as I lost the fight. And then I fell.
Whatever force had assaulted me now tenuously clung like a film, slowly weakening as the void grew distant behind me. You never realize how much you enjoy gravity until you don’t have it, then you remember how much it sucks when you fall thirty feet onto a steep hill.
Oh shit! Rocks! As far as first thoughts in a new universe go, it could have used some work.
The steep slope my body tumbled down was rockier than the Rockies and so tall that other hills asked if it played basketball. Each impact forced the invading thoughts further from my mind, like beating a rug with a switch to cleanse it of dust. It was only trading one pain for another, but the thorough bashing was like a trip to the sauna compared to wherever I'd just been.
Fortunately, the thorny underbrush had grown tired of amateur gymnastics and sacrificed a few brave bushes to slow me down. At long last the ground levelled out, and it wasn’t going to be long before I could curl up in a ball and swallow enough aspirin to revive the pharmaceutical industry. A very solid tree rudely interrupted what was supposed to be a gradual stop.
Quietly groaning in agony, I planned on lying there until I didn’t feel like someone who’d forgotten to bring a parachute while skydiving and insisted they’d just roll when they hit the ground. Slowly, the throbbing degraded into a moderate ache, allowing me to feel the weirdness behind the pain. And I'd been blinded! No, wait, eyes were still closed, my bad.
After remembering how eyelids worked, they were forced open, and the freakish brightness of everything punched me in the face. It was like a tactical nuke hit a Crayola factory. Yep, I certainly wasn’t in Kansas. What did Kansas look like anyway?
I puffed a lock of hair out of my face and peered around. A near-straight line of disturbed terrain marred the hillside, leading to a large hole in some brush and then to my position. After seeing the size of the hill, it was mentally reclassified as a midget mountain.
Venerable oak trees surrounded me like a crowd of confused passerby although I hadn’t made it very far past the tree line. At least I thought they were oak; willow, birch, and pine looked different enough, but everything else was just oak to me. At any rate, they could break a tumble like a champ. The dark, errant lock returned with a vengeance only to be met with another puff of air.
It took a few moments more than it should have to realize black was not the same color as the filthy brown that should have been bothering me. Not that being unhygienic was my preference, but that’s what happens when water is saved for drinking.
Reaching for the hair, the not-as-surprising-as-it-should-have-been hoof and muzzle, which should have been noticed much sooner, came to my attention at the same time. My brain should have pointed out the muzzle sooner. It was like I'd needed to see my body before I could realize something felt off.
My first reaction was to chuckle and shake my head. Of course I was a pony—that's just how the universe gets its kicks, right? Oh look, another human, better flip a coin… yep, make him a pony. This wouldn’t stop me—I refused to let it get the best of me. I could handle this.
Maybe the whole transformation should have freaked me out a bit more, but my likely concussion probably had a concussion itself, and punching myself didn’t help. Godammit, I couldn’t even pick my nose.
It was more upsetting that my first action in this new body was face-checking an entire hillside. My old body was battered, bruised, and scarred; this was like driving a new car off the lot and over a cliff. Maybe before the day was out, I’d come down with fifty different flus and give my new immune system a stress test. Maybe it was some sort of quarantine.
“I-I’ve gotten used to worse.” My voice sounded a little more feminine than it should have. Had I seriously been sixty-three'd? Was there some tollbooth I’d missed where fifty cents would have let me keep my species and gender? Maybe the universe was upset losing my hands didn't freak me out more and decided to kick the discomfort up a notch.
An awkward act of contortion allowed me to get a good view of just how much had been changed. “Yeah, that is definitely a—big fucking spider!”
Creepy crawlies in general don't give me the heebie-jeebies, however, an arachnid with the same size and number of limbs as a tabby taped to a calico scuttling an arm—er, foreleg's length away from my brand-spanking-new rear end did not fall into this category.
I didn't know how to move on four legs or move as a quadruped in general, but that didn't stop me from clumsily launching myself into another tree. The squeal accompanying said jump wouldn't have sounded much different if my gender hadn’t been flipped like a spring mattress.
The BFS stared back at me, matching my glare murderous thought for murderous thought. Or was that confusion in its beady eyes? No, it was obviously trying to lure me into a false sense of security. It was definitely standing like it was going to pounce. That scuttling demon wouldn’t be the one to slay me.
“What now, Shelob?” The first dull thump of a descending hoof was accompanied by the faint crackle of the spider's exoskeleton. Stomping would have taken too much coordination, but flailing limbs after a return leap proved rather effective.
“Is that all? Just a species and gender swap and an oversized tarantula? You think I’d let something as pointless as this bother me?” Challenging the universe wasn't a good idea, but my visitor had left me unamused. “Not to mention you’re screwing up your clichés. You're supposed to send timberwolves or a manticore, not a spider.” Never would have guessed Equestria had giant spiders. Then again, what self-respecting fantasy world didn't?
“Nothing to say? I thought so. Give me a moment to rest and I'll get out of this forest. Throw what you want at me—I can take it—but I swear, if I detect any contrived shipping, I will gut you with a spork.” No refusal came. “And no musical numbers.”
The entire body swap was just another thing to deal with, and a fair, if unusual, trade for not having to deal with zombies anymore. I could handle it. Just had to keep moving forward and not think about it too much. As soon as the shaking stopped, I could get going.
While trying to straighten my thoughts, I looked over my new body. My barrel, covered in light steel-grey fur with a dusting of blue, rose and fell steadily as I caught my breath. Four trusty spider-stompers colored the same as my coat wiped leftover ichor on the grass. Behind me swished a tail so deep a blue it was almost black, like what I first thought my mane to be. My hair—or mane as I might have needed to start calling it—wasn't done up in any particular style unless you count the leaves and twigs ensnared within as some sort of natural-chic style.
“Joke's on you, universe. You made me adorable!” To be fair, most ponies needed to be hugged until they exploded in a shower of d'aww. I would have preferred an orangish coat though. I didn’t even like blue that much—ugh, I looked like a bruised baby seal.
No elegant wings adorned my back, and no spiraled horn jutted from my forehead, meaning my species was stuck on the earth-pony setting. Instead of disappointment over the lack of superpowers, there was only a drunk giddiness.
Here I was, as a pony in the pony motherland—at least, I really hoped it was Equestria. The discussion with Dave came to mind.Then again, the universe did see fit to change me in the first place, so it either had a twisted sense of humor or was more malicious than I’d thought.
The forest chirped and buzzed around me, welcome sounds of nature making my new ears twitch to and fro reflexively. There was no control over which way they turned, and it was driving me nuts. It was a sensation so alien that Mulder couldn’t have dealt with it.
Something was missing though. No, something other than my manhood. Everywhere I looked, there was an absence that left me confused—Dave wasn’t around to shoot down my excitement with his pesky logic and reason. I was looking forward to seeing how he would react. After futily pondering how one could misplace an imaginary acquaintance, I relaxed into the grass with a sigh and shrug. Note to self: shrugging feels weird as a pony.
My first guess was the exit portal had dropped me into the infamous Everfree Forest, because how many other forests do dimensional travelers find themselves in? However, nothing about the trees and bushes radiated malice, and no beastie had seen fit to chase me off a cliff, nor had I stumbled across a wayward Crusader or foraging zebra. Maybe that was putting a little too much faith into knowledge built entirely off a television show and enough fan-written material to rival the Ancient Library of Alexandria, but it beat being completely clueless.
No sense worrying about things though. Nope, plenty of worse things than having your body replaced. After all, becoming a pony was far better than staying on Earth or dying. If some cosmic force was trying to punish me, they were doing a terrible job of it aside from my recent tumble.
It just didn’t make sense; was there supposed to be a lesson to learn about the opposite sex? Was there some sort of special rock I’d hit during my fall? I couldn’t even be sure of when it happened either. It would have been so much easier to think if most of my body wasn’t demanding a change in leadership.
At that point, a wonderful idea of how to dull the last vestiges of pain popped up. It was an ancient method my people had used for hundreds of years: drink half a bottle of whiskey. All I had to do was find that pesky backpack and kill a few brain cells. I wasn’t wearing it. Wait. Nope, definitely wasn’t wearing it, so where could it have fallen? The bag wasn’t anywhere nearby, and it wasn’t anywhere on the hillside that would have twirled its dastardly mustache if it had one.
I sighed, guessing it ended up in the same place as my clothes. The nudity didn’t even phase me; I was well past the realization life had just become clothing optional. I never liked pants that much anyway, and I was far more concerned about the lack of booze. No supplies, no Dave, and no convenient mp3 player that had never been packed but should have ended up here anyway.
There was no point in worrying about Dave; after all, it wasn't like there was anything that could hurt him, but that crowbar was defenseless! It was no doubt floating in that—a pained and all-too-clear memory of the void set me shuddering. Wasn’t thinking about that anytime soon if I could help it. Why did I become—no, didn’t want to think about that either.
My aching limbs cried out in protest as I tried to get comfortable, nipping that idea in the bud. I needed a damage report. Scanning. System diagnostic complete. Results: Shit hurts, take some pills! Oh good, I’d been worried it was serious. It was time to limp aimlessly in hopes of finding a place to recuperate. Probably Ponyville, as was customary in these situations. If my shivering stopped, it’d be much easier to teach myself how to walk so I could get out of the woods.
Turned out standing up while sober did not involve flopping onto your side while swearing. It also does not involve faceplanting, which hurts far more when you have a muzzle.
“Come on, legs, why don’t you work?” Four failed attempts would make anyone cranky.
A little bit of pain wouldn’t deter me; there was no shortage of perseverance. Once my balance got its act together, I charged headlong into the trees with a cry of “Onwards!” It wasn't a matter of figuring out a pattern and sticking to it; I just flailed randomly until the falling and swaying stopped
Forests had been boring back on Earth. Here, the forests were still boring, but at least they were colorful. It was strange hearing the sounds of life again. Even the spiders and flies had been absent back home, but I knew they were here, waiting to drop into my mane. My hearing was noticeably better; it was like swiveling spy equipment atop my head twitched to every snapping twig or singing bird. Everything had a smell so fresh that any laundry detergent would be jealous.
Hot damn did I feel good. I couldn’t help but smile at everything around me, and I’m not certain, but I think I caught myself waving at a confused squirrel.
I hopped over a small creek, exhilarated at the lack of stumbling and how great I had been feeling ever since the pain faded to even more ignorable levels. I eagerly quickened my pace to a brisk trot. A beat of hooves crushing dry leaves accompanied me, drawing forth some humming. I lost myself in it as the forest stretched on.
“Hello, Tom.” I nodded to a boulder with a stony expression.
Resistance to the forest's beat was futile. The urge to sing was becoming impossible to ignore. It was like when you’re covered in mosquito bites and can’t find the calamine, but with music instead of scratching yourself bloody. The situation made it hard to think of lyrics to the music attacking my ears, forcing itself out of my mouth:
I’m siiiinging in a forest
Everything is so grand
Yes, I’m siiiinging in a forest
Something something canned
I gallop along, singing this song
Marvelling in the wonder
Passing a road, not a care in the world
Not realizing my blunder
I’m siiiinging in a forest
Every—
“I said no musical numbers!” Succumbing to the music like that felt so… wrong. It sounded cheery, and it felt like I’d actually been in a mood appropriate for singing, but getting swept up in the music and having it just drop you when it was done made me cringe.
Walking backwards in a daring feat of coordination, I found myself on a wide dirt road that stretched in both directions to a leafy singularity. Here and there it curved slightly to dodge the odd tree. Many hoofprints and wheel ruts marred the surface, yet they weren’t fresh. I was earnestly surprised to find myself alone on an apparently busy road.
In one direction, the sky was clear save a lone cloud. It was so fluffy! If my brain would focus, we needed to figure out where we were going… but yes, it was the fluffiest cloud ever. A large mountain claimed the other horizon, and a grand castle sparkled from its side.
“Canterlot!” There was a gleeful squeal as I merrily trotted in place. “I can't believe I actually made it to Equestria.”
I was more than ready to see other ponies and hopefully not get arrested for hugging a few. I wondered if “They were too adorable” was a viable defense. Excitement filled me as I imagined eating at Donut Joe’s and seeing the princesses. Princessi? No, definitely the first one. I’d visit the library and spend hours in there brushing up on things, and maybe they wouldn’t even notice me crash there. That brought up some troubling thoughts.
What would I do? How easy would it be to get a job in a city like Canterlot? Not to mention all the snobby nobility that I’d never met, but apparently knew how uptight they were anyway. They’d throw me in a padded room for sure. Throw in the tendency of ponies to perform musicals at the drop of a hat and the changeling invasion from the end of season two, and you had many good reasons to vacation elsewhere.
Maybe it was better to slowly ease back into contact with society. I gruffly nodded and about-faced. Just in time too; all that reasoning was making me uncomfortable.
“On second thought, let’s not go to Canterlot. It is a silly place.”
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ERMA GERD how is this not featured yet?
wait he lost his dick and takes it in stride? one would think a man would panic mad or not....
monty python and the holy grail reference.
Camelot is a silly place.
Canterlot is a silly place,
Human turned pony? No warning about that?
ABANDON STORY! RUN! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!
And it was off with such a good start.
We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot
[solo]
I have to push the pram a lot.
Montey Python reference
Monty Python sequences with a pony as insane as Deadpool. WO0T!
3233582i dont mine the pony tranformation its the gender swoping thing that is buging me.
3603186
Aye, it's a bit of a hard pill to swallow on its own. It's just so... in the context of believability, there's no reason for it. I mean, there's not reason not to have it, but I didn't like it. Becoming a pony could be gotten away with, maybe, but yeah...
Ah well. Been entertained (thoroughly) thus far. One more chapter, maybe I'll get re-hooked.
makeameme.org/media/created/yep-that-just.jpg
Good lord. This is like reading Gaiman and Pratchett in one. (And yes, I do own Good Omens)
Kinda disappointed that he became a earth pony instead of a different type... But him switching genders
I wonder at the purpose of having him switch genders in the universe swap, or is it perhaps just for the sake of giving our hero another reason to shake her head at the universe's humor?
Only 2 chapters in, and I'm giving you a like and a fav good sir/madam author, your writing is excellent and it's made reading your story so far a joy and a pleasure. Now, that's enough from me, as our hero has already said, "Onwards!"
“On second thought, let’s not go to Canterlot. It is a silly place.”
AHHA!
Ah! Ha!
I got that reference!!!
2842932 I know this comment is from two years ago, but losing your dick isn't really a big deal when you consider that he lost his hands. Honestly, what was he going to use the dick for anyways? All humans are dead, so It doesn't matter what sex organs he has. Also, better to wear no clothes and have a vagina than have a penis and get 'no reason boners' in public.
6323629 Also, he's more than half insane.
He's apparently hallucinating and his memories are messed up. Really, the sex change is the least of his worries.
Why does this always happen?
Transformation tag needs to be a thing because its getting a bit fucking annoying to see a human who, while very clearly insane just takes it in stride and is happier instead.
These fics are a dime a dozen nowadays but you did make it interesting and you actually completed it so kudos to you but should add a warning about this regardless of plot or spoilers as its quite disappointing to find this out after reading and becoming engrossed in a story about a human going to Equestria only to not actually be true.
7031819
Can't disagree. This story is starting out fairly strong, but it doesn't seem like the type that will actually be improved in a meaningful way by this. He transformed into a girl horse for a cheap gag and to get around having to actually write a human-looking human into Equestria, is all I'm getting from this so far.
Well! S/he should get along just swimmingly with Discord.
I could imagine it being a fairly straightforward reaction on the part of the Universe, lol.
Agenda: transport this dummy into Equestria, a land inhabited by cartoonish small ponies.
Problem: no such place exists.
Solution: remake the dummy into a cartoonish small pony and plant them wherever. That location will, by definition, become Equestria.
8996758
That's hilarious
High quality lyrics right here lol
I love this style of writing