Everyone has heard of the armored guards that Luna handpicks herself, their armor designed, and their wings enchanted, to resemble that of a bat. This story follows the misadventures of the only unicorn to be enrolled in this service, 'Bad-Luck' Blitz Comet, a rather unlucky sonova- Er.... Pony.
(Writer's Note: A close second for the title was 'The Misadventures of the Nightguardspony', and I'm trying something different here. Comedy! Or an attempt at it. Really, it probably won't be that funny. Humorous maybe.... Hopefully. This is going to end up as a literary train wreck, isn't it?)
Chapters (1)
To be honest, even if your technical proficiency is somewhat lacking, I do love your concept and ideas. I'll point out some of the errors later, if you wish.
most likely it will end with a literal train weeck
>"That.... ah...... can be arranged if you don't STOP!"
Ellipses abuse. In formal writing, an ellipsis consists of three periods, no more.
>"You'll never catch me alive!" The fleeing bast- Thief, shouted back.
You're not supposed to capitalise the first word after the tag. Think of them this way. The dialogue is the subject, and the said tag, the verb. Together they make one complete sentence.
>All night. Standing there. Nothing else.
Sentence fragments. I'll admit, this is a stylistic choice, something which I often use myself. But overuse of these can be jarring and grind the narrative to a halt. Try to limit your use of these to things you only really want to emphasise.
>"Now get out of my sight you miserable excuse of a Guard!" The captain shouted, before shoving the unicorn out of the door, which slammed into the stallions flank, knocking him even further into the hall.
Run on sentences. As a general rule, a sentence should not contain more than 3 commas. Any more and it is highly advisable to split the sentence up. Not only it looks nicer, it also provides logical breaks into the flow of the action.
You might want to read this. Contains lots of tips for writing a proper fic.
Ezn's Writing Guide
Keep writing. Cheers.
I agree with all of the above, but they're minor enough to be ignored. I, personally, thought that the sentence fragments helped the story. They weren't used too often. I do despise run on sentences, although i tend to do them myself...
I thought this was a great story, overall. I'd like to see more!
@The GLaDOS pony
*Adds a train wreck somewhere in future chapters* 
@Grif
Thank you for pointing those out! I edited what I could, and I'm going to give that guide a looking over.
@Wyvern1998
I'm a perfectionist! I think. Anyway, thanks for the feedback, and I hope you enjoy it!
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Minor or not, they do detract the reader's attention and it would be your job as an author to at least make as few mistakes as these as possible. (Ideal would be not at all.) Think of it as something that polishes up your fic to that next level.
Note that I have not touched on grammar or more advanced technical English. That would not be my forte. (Still learning those myself.)
One more, infodumping all your character's description in one paragraph is a personal no-no for me. Try weaving such description into the narrative, where possible. Same goes to exposition.