Technical Writer from the U.S.A.'s Deep South. Writes horsewords and reviews. New reviews posted every other Thursday! Writing Motto: "Go Big or Go Home!"
UPDATE: Winner of Random Romance's prompt contest for June. Thanks, guys!
After the disastrous events of the Grand Galloping Gala, Octavia decides to relax in the Castle Gardens. Using her music to relax, she is discovered by the mysterious Princess Luna, who still fears public opinion. Over the coming months they find comfort in one another's gentle presence, and Octavia finally finds the inspiration she needs to fulfill her oldest, most ambitious of dreams.
Page generated in 0.148 seconds
Total duration
996 users online
280,462 hits today, 2,314,256 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Luna and Octavia? That's different.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2683543 That's exactly what I was thinking.
2683548
Not bad, either.
Well done.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2683554 Thanks!
very nice. I like the writing style.
-
This was very very nice, thank you.
Stories like this are what make the writing contests worth it.
It makes a lot more sense that Luna and Octavia would have the sort of romance that you describe here. While Luna has certainly been shipped in the manner you describe in your notes, and it occasionally works for the purposes of the story (The ambiguousness of the Luna/Cloud Kicker incident in the Winningverse comes to mind, but that's mostly because of the way CK is developed), for a Luna/Octavia ship to be believable, it needs to be more than one of the pair catching the other staring at her flank. The use of the post-Gala setting is the perfect starting point... it sets up Tavi being frustrated about her role in the GGG events, and since it takes place before the events of Luna Eclipsed, Octavia truly is the first pony other than Celestia to take active steps to see Luna as more than Nightmare Moon. All in all, a very secure foundation for what would be considered an unusual romance, considering much of the brony headcanon.
2684298 Much appreciated!
I'd love to talk more on the subject, but to be honest I said more or less everything I wanted to say on the matter in my notes, so I'd just be repeating myself. But I really appreciate the feedback!
Shined should be shone.
Gotta say I really liked this. Especially how Luna's way of talking gradually grew more modern with each time skip. It was a subtle nuance that I greatly appreciated
2685334 Oops. Correction to come.
And thank you for noticing!
Okay, please tell me that you plan on entering our future contests as well
and if this is any indication of how the rest of our submissions are going to be, than I think we will be in for an exiting contest indeed.
2689767
Thanks for the compliment! As for my future activities, I suspect my involvement in other contests will vary. Obviously my personal time is a factor (albeit not much of one for the time being). But there's also the originality of the coupling to consider and the potential for a realistic solution; I try to avoid writing 'alternate universe' type stories.
And this is coming dangerously close to turning into an essay, so I'll cut to the chase. The short answer to your query is yes, I will probably participate in future contests, though perhaps not consistently.
...
Self control is hard.
Well, things didn't start off so well, but the payoff was fairly solid.
I thought Octavia's voice was overly stilted in the beginning. Using it to set character is one thing, but it didn't give me much of a sense of character. As things went on, I started to wonder if that was more generally tied to the number of fairly lackluster descriptions:
These are examples of where I feel you fall short on the show-vs-tell front. They're pretty dull and disengaging, and while others aren't generally so bad, there's a real lack of engagement with the prose throughout.
A couple of other specifics that stood out were:
To disturb that almost holy serenity struck them both as… improper.
This was a jarring breech of both PoV and adequate description that it really took me out of the story.
Semicolons!
She glanced up hopefully; the Princess’ gentle smile had widened a touch.
The semicolon doesn't really apply here. It should like two clauses that actually gain something by being linked as such, and that means that when two clauses don't go together in that way, it can leave a reader feeling like they've missed something important. That's how I felt about this because the 'glancing up hopefully' implies that the emotional content preceded the after-image of Luna's smile, making them unrelated and the punctuation slightly confusing.
Octavia basked in those silences; in the starry night, in the cool air, in the presence of her precious Princess.
Should be a full colon (man, that's a shitty way to write that [sorry]). Again, a semicolon separates two otherwise-complete sentences, and should do so either for thematic reasons 'It was the bet of times, it was the worst of times' –Dickens) or to modify meaning by forcing a link (The walls were cracked. A subwoofer was booming downstairs. versus The walls were cracked; a subwoofer was booming downstairs. The latter forces the link between the two, the former allows to them be unconnected)
So overall, the quality of the descriptions really hurt the emotion of the piece for me, but the ideas expressed at the end were good. Though it seemed miss the boat in terms of anything more than a good friendship, it was still a reasonable story—probably my favorite out of the other entries, but not enough of an actual story to earn one of my upvotes.
Hope that's not too much of a downer, and that you'll let me know what you thought of my entry some time?
-Scott
2790534
I knew my prose was a little off at times, as well as my colon/semicolon usage, but it's nice to finally have someone address the issues directly. My descriptions have always been one of my least capable elements. My stories are usually of ridiculous lengths, and for publication purposes I've been working to shorten my word counts, which just leads to my descriptions suffering even more. I've been trying to make up for it with self-explanatory dialogue, but I know it can leave much to be desired visually. Curiously, this all began because I had too many people criticizing my descriptions as too long and complex.
2791335 If I can help with any of that, please feel free to ask. Punctuation I have cleaned up to EqD-able standards, descriptions and pacing slightly less so—but that does tend to mean I spend more time practicing and researching it, so...
I found a lot of the work tends to be in practicing to combine details and tighten wording; establishing good flow can make longer descriptions much more palatable. In the end I boil it down to engagement, looking back and each individual sentence and deciding what it offers the reader to make it interesting. I say start with the longer descriptions (show everything) and practice streamlining it to the minimum number of words. It seems to have worked for me, but I guess the best thing is to examine lots or different methods and see what works for you!
-Scott
2792858
Well I'm always happy to accept help - I learned all my writing with absolutely zero input from others, so when somebody says something I'm rather appreciative. Unfortunately I tend to write mammoth stories that most people shy away from and potential editors won't touch.
I also tend not to go back and do a lot of editing: a first draft, leave it for 24 hours, go back and edit during the posting stage. That's it. Of course later - usually a week or two later - I'll go back and re-read it and make adjustments, but by then it's already been read by people. The big reason for this is that time is my enemy. I learned long ago that if I linger on a chapter agonizing over it I'll never get to the next one. Surefire way to kill a story before it gets off the ground.
Anyway, that's exactly what I did with The Gentle Nights. I saw a contest, decided to enter, wrote it up in about a day, posted it, moved on. This is more or less my style now. I don't regret it: I have finished many more stories since adopting it. But it does mean that my lackluster elements - like descriptions - don't get the attention they need.
This is very good. I love the characterization of Luna and Octavia; it's very believable. Out of all the entries in the contest, I think this one is the most likely way the relationship would develop. Your description of Octavia singing was wonderful, made all the better by the complete lack of reference to any other music or lyrics. It left me free to imagine what it sounded like, and her performance was beautiful. Pacing was great, and there were no misspellings or punctuation problems that stood out to me (although as InquisitorM has pointed out, I have my own development to do in the punctuation area). Looks like I know who's getting my vote in the contest.
2794217
Thanks for the compliments! I'm glad you enjoyed the manner in which Octavia's music was handled. I considered finding something for her to emulate, but felt that nothing would really approach the style in my mind, so I thought it would be best to try and describe said style and let the reader imagine the music on their own. It seems to have worked so far.
Maybe I'm a little late to congratulate you, but good
Like you said, is a romance "soft"
When it first saw the contest and saw that the first couple was Princess Luna and Octavia I was like
and I was wondering what kind of things will come of this, but certainly one of many stories would be outstanding, I thought. In the end this convinced me, especially the ending as "realistic" that you gave to the story, I must say it was one of the best work I've seen in a couple random so far.
I say goodbye and good luck with your other story "No Heroes" that truth if it looks very interesting
Impressive. This felt perfectly paced for the characters. I very much enjoyed reading this. It is always nice to see more of Octava.
3575401
And I find it nice to know that this story is still getting some love!
No love at first sight.
^^^
Das how you write a ship-fic.
3831296
But really, The Gentle Nights should be three times as long as it is. I've given up on the whole 'limited length' thing for my other contest material.
Glad you think so.
amazing takes your breath away kind of story
4519093
Glad you approve!
Music has a way of bringing people together. And a song for one you appreciate is a very sincere form of saying you care.
5295266
In a way, I intend to repeat that scene in the rewrite. But it's going to play... a little differently.
Really nice story here, Paul. A little more subdued and short on the shipping than I would personally write for a one-shot, but considering you have a pretty lengthy sequel in progress for this one, it's not really an issue.
You get a thumb and fave for me for beautiful writing and a good start to an interesting relationship!
5574685
Why thank you! But a The Gentle Nights: Audience of One isn't a sequel, it's a complete overhaul and re-imagining of what The Gentle Nights should have been. To be perfectly honest, I was never satisfied with this story, and that has everything to do with not leaving enough time to fill in gaps. I was in this mode of trying to write within word limits at the time, and as a result I feel I shot myself in the foot.
No, Audience of One is anything but a sequel.
5575035
Ah, okay. Well I still look forward to reading it. :)
This is a nice overview of Audience of One. I usually prefer Octavia and Vinyl relationship stories but this Octavia and Luna relationship is intriguing. Octavia and Vinyl are my favourite characters but Luna is number three. I like the slower pace used to get to the message Octavia is trying to send Luna. Ask any woman, wham, bam, thank you ma'am is not romantic. A slow, thoughtful build is. I await the rest of Audience.
5702717
I continue to find it curious that everyone praises this story to high heaven, but its the blatant flaws I see in it that made me want to write audience of One in the first place.
Still, it's always good to see this story get some love.
It's place as my highest-rated story remains solid.
Well, I've got to say, I really enjoyed that!
I freely admit, I read this story more to get an idea of where the idea began before I delved into 'Audience of One'; So I'll keep my thoughts short as this is just a taster for the main course.
I understand why you would want to rewrite this stroy; it's a gem to be sure, but it is flawed. The pacing was a little quick which made it hard to really to get invested in the setting and the situation. I can't really blame you though; it was a short story written for a contest with a ship I have rarely seen. BUT! It's plain to see WHY people hold this story in such high esteem; the character interactions and scenes are beautifully handled. Both Luna and Octavia felt completely in character and the way you handled the romance felt very natural; the quiet feeling we get from the scenes is quite striking and gives the eventual reveal of their feelings at the opera a much more powerful feel.
Is this flawed, certainly; and I can see why you wanted to expand on the idea. But this is still a lovely little story to get this ship sailing. Looking forward to see where you take this in 'Audience of One'.
5795754
And so The Gentle Nights continues its reign as my single highest rated (by percentage) story in my collection. I keep waiting for some supercritical individual to knock it down a peg, but so far...
Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it! As I've said many times, I've never been satisfied with this story as it stands, so a remake was inevitable. Even so, it remains one of my two favorite 'classics,' if you will, and it's always good to know people can see the value in what I was trying to do here. I look forward to your commentary for Audience of One.
5796940 Yeah, I always try to give some points to improve on, but honestly, the pacing was the one thing that failed for me; and even then, can't really blame that on a short story.
Don't worry though, next time I'll be sure to take an axe to your story and tear it apart completely! Thy wish will be granted!
5797336
Oh, thank you. I can rest easy now knowing my stories will soon be butchered. Be still my beating heart.
5797484 *Bow* I live only to serve!
Yes, this seems just how they would act. I'm not even sure it needed expansion.
6785774
Maybe, maybe not. Personally, I felt it was in desperate need of 'completeness,' so I rewrote it. I am much happier with the new one.
<Review deleted>
8466889
Whoa whoa whoa, waitaminute. Did I really submit this? Because I could have told you well ahead of time that this doesn't belong in any sort of library. It was supposed to be The Gentle Nights: Audience of One, not this.
As much as I hate to think I of all people could have gotten my own stories confused, it's clear somebody made a mistake and I'm not about to point fingers. I guess I'll resubmit the proper story next time. I just can't imagine myself submitting this to... anywhere.
8466899
Well fuck me. Let me check something...
8466899
Yep, my apologies. I botched it. I'll get to the other story ASAP. I am so sorry this happened.
Not your best work, Paul. For some other writer, I may have faved it, but I've seen and reviewed your other work and I know you can do far better. You have excellence, and it's frankly not on display here. I have to tackle a few issues. Firstly, there are colons where there ought not to be. Colons are meant for giving lists or single specific items. Secondly, there are far too many section breaks. I hate to say this, but that's honestly beneath you, Paul. You're far more deft at wordsmithing than having to forcefully halt the narrative every few hundred words to jump to another place and time. Honestly, these jump transitions represent the single biggest failing of your fic. Had you used them to build the romance and ive us insight to the growing relationship instead of hopping about like a tree frog, the single biggest problem of your story would have been solved. By jumping too and fro, the romance, which you said you wanted to feel like a genuinely kindled one instead of alien brain worm shipping, instead felt canned and forced. This was amplified by you using so much more telling than showing. The final great issue with your fic is that your best asset is your ability to write emotional dialogue. That was honestly not on display here. You forsook the things that made your writing great and failed to play to your strengths while committing more than a few big blunders.
You said in your notes this was hammered out in a couple hours, and it does show, badly. With a rewrite, I could see this fic making it if you resubmitted it. Now, in terms of good, well, I've never seen Luntavia, and I like it. Also, neat working naming songs in Hindi. The romance was fluffy, but again, felt canned due to the ways you hamstrung it. Had you worked more with dialogue and more graceful transitions, I'd consider this fic a classic.
8466909
Oh.
Eh, that's just a big oops, I suppose. I admit I was disappointed when I saw which one was being reviewed, but it's alright. I probably didn't specify in my submission that there were two versions of the story. And even if I did, these things happen.
Don't get yourself in any hurry on my account. I am nothing if not patient, and AoO is a bit long for the 'read it as fast as possible' treatment. Unless you just like it that much, of course.
8466918
Normally I'd be able to do it overnight and gave it to you in the morning, because I'm nocturnal and a goddamn machine when I get going, but I'm helping to clear out the Submissions folder of the last 20 or so stories, and we have just 3 days to do it, and as the resident long story guy and review factory, my powers are needed for other things. Odds are it'll be done the day after tomorrow. Sorry if that's a bit of a time to be sitting on a derped review.
8466923
Nah, it's not a big deal. It could take more than a week and I wouldn't complain. I am as accustomed to the concept of 'being busy' as anyone here. As long as I get a quality review out of it, I'm good.
Heck, I could even look at this as getting twice as many reviews as requested, and should I really be complaining about that? If anything, this will give you a good look at how big a difference the rewrite is compared to the original.