Under an Oak Tree
Celestia's sun was high in the sky, just a bit past one o' clock. It cast its healthy, golden rays of light down upon Ponyville, which gratefully accepted the sun's gift, drinking in the warmth and light.
The residents of Ponyville went about their days in the perfect sun, seizing the perfect day, and living it to its fullest. And no one did so more enthusiastically than Rainbow Dash.
She soared through the air like a jet fighter, absorbing the breeze and delighting at the scenery of Ponyville zipping past in a colorful whir of colors below her; browns, yellows, reds and an assortment of of others gradually gave way to a plain of primarily green.
It seemed as if she had flown past the bounds of the town and into a field.
Rainbow reared up and was just about to dash back across town, just to see if she could break her previous record-fifteen seconds to be exact-when a new color aside from the greens caught her eye. Purple. A light lavender.
Rainbow's brow furrowed in curiosity as she inspected the source further. Her suspicions were confirmed: it was Twilight. But what was that egg-head doing out in the old pastures?
Rainbow quickly felt a certain heat rise to her cheeks, but dispelled it just as quickly. Now was not the time.
Rainbow was just about to bolt down but was once again halted, this time by Twilight's stance. Her head hung low and her shoulders slumped as she plopped down under a tree.
Once more, Rainbow's brow furrowed, this time in a mixture of both curiosity and concern.
So, instead of darting down and possibly startling the recently-crowned Princess, Rainbow Dash reservedly flittered down and lightly touched down, the green grass below her bending down under her weight.
If Twilight noticed her, she showed no signs of acknowledgment.
Brow still furrowed, Rainbow plodded over and stood over Twilight who had her back against the tree as she sat slumped against the tree. Rainbow's shadow cast over the purple mare's body, but still Twilight showed no signs of acknowledgment.
"Twilight? What's the matter? Eh?"
Twilight only sighed and mumbled under her breath. She then closer her eyes and leaned her skull back into the wood of the heavy tree.
The heat returned to Rainbow. There they were, just the two of them, alone... Rainbow shook her head and concentrated on their conversation.
"What's that?" she forced.
Rainbow waited, but, receiving no answer this time, she sat down next to her and remained silent for a few minutes.
Finally, Rainbow spoke, saying, "'Twi... Ya know I'm not good with words, but...if somethin's botherin' ya I'd really like to help."
Twilight remained silent for almost as long as Rainbow had, but then spoke, her words barely reaching Rainbow's ear.
"It's...there's nothing that you can do."
Rainbow snorted. "Oh really?"
Twilight was silent again.
"...Twilight... Even if I can't help...just know that I'm here for ya. And so is everyone else."
Rainbow could see Twilight's eyes move a bit as she pondered Rainbow's words.
"...well...?"
A small smile slowly crept its way across Twilight's face an up her muzzle. Rainbow smiled too, although her's was much wider.
Then Twilight did something that surprised Rainbow: she darted over and trapped Rainbow in a tight hug.
Rainbow's hooves raised up in surprise, but eventually draped over Twilight's back.
"Thank you," Twilight said, barely audible.
"You're welcome."
Rainbow Dash looked up and saw that the sun was slowly approached the horizon. Had they really been out there that long?
"So... You ready to tell me what's wrong?"
Twilight huffed a bit, muzzle still buried in Rainbow's chest, but she eventually said, "It's just... This whole Princess thing is really hard... I mean, I expected it to be, but... I... I don't think I'm doing a good job." Twilight quivered pathetically as she whimpered, and Rainbow shushed her.
Rainbow chuckled as she absent-mindedly stroked Twilight's mane.
"Well, no disasters so far, so it seems like you've been doing alright."
Rainbow felt Twilight tense up a bit at her statement, but relax again.
"'Twi...you're a great pony. I'm sure you'll do a great job. It's only been like, what, two days since your coronation?"
"Three."
"Yeah, whatever. My point is that you haven't had much time. Sure you'll make a few mistakes here and there, but Celestia and Luna will always be there to help you back up. And so will we. The girls and I, I mean."
Rainbow chuckled a bit again and said, "You know...today's a beautiful day, isn't it?"
"...Yeah...I suppose it is."
Rainbow let her head rest upon Twilight's as she got a bit more comfortable.
"You're a rad pony, even if you are an egg-head." Rainbow whispered as she gazed lovingly down at Twilight.
Rainbow's body vibrated as Twilight chuckled.
"Awww, thanks Rainbow."
The two sat there, leaning against one another as the horizon was just starting to turn into the colors of the sunset.
Rainbow felt a burning in her chest slowly itch her way up and she shivered. The pegasus sat, pondering her next action. Could now be a good time as any? Would there ever be a better time?
Rainbow drew in a breath. It was now or never.
"Twilight? Are you doing anything tomorrow night?"
"Hm? Oh, I can't say that I am... Why can't we do something now, there's still a few hours of daylight. left..."
"No I meant..."
Rainbow struggled with her words.
"...different things."
"Like what?"
"Like... Like... Like maaaayyybbbeee dinner, or... A movie or.... Some...thing..."
Rainbow Dash felt a sweat begin to develop.
Twilight snorted, amused, and said, "Rainbow, it sounds like you're..."
Wait...could she be? Twilight thought.
Rainbow shook her head. Twilight, for all of her smarts, could still be so dense.
Twilight felt her head move up as Rainbow took a deep, determined breath.
"Yes, Twilight, it's exactly what is sounds like. Twilight, I...have a... thing for you. I like you, and... And I am asking you out on a date."
Twilight froze, her eyes wide open. She was.
The Princess felt a deep heat rise to her cheeks as Rainbow Dash haltingly began to speak again.
"Well...now that that's out there...hehe... In....the open... Waddaya say?"
Rainbow, who had grown used to the weight of Twilight's head on her chest, jolted when it suddenly vanished. The flash of bright, purple light didn't help either.
Twilight was gone. Rainbow couldn't help but a feel a bit...empty inside.
[/hr]
Spike, who was taking a nap on the staircase of the library during the absence of Twilight, was jolted awake as a flash of light attacked him through his eyelids.
"Woaaahh...!"
The young dragon shook his head and opened his eyes just in time to dodge his friend and sister. Her entire face was bright red, her eyes were scrunched shut, and tears flowed freely.
Spike rolled out of her way and twirled back around just in time to see the door to Twilight's room slam.
"What the...?"
[/hr]
It took, ages, but Rainbow eventually steeled herself again and went to go apologize. By this time the night was rapidly approaching, and it grew chilly.
Rainbow, despite herself, decided to forgo flight and marched up the street to Ponyville's library, determination in her heart.
She marched right up to the door and knocked three times.
The first was heavy, loud, the second, average, and the third barely audible.
Spike opened the door with a skeptical and somewhat bored look heavy on his features.
"Here for Twilight?"
"Um...yeah..."
"Upstairs," Spike said flatly as he jammed a thumb in the appropriate direction.
Rainbow watched Spike as he whirled around on one foot and walked away, entering the kitchen and leaving her alone.
"Oh what have I done?" Rainbow quietly asked herself as she looked at the ground and shook her head in self-reprimand.
But Rainbow Dash, ever brave as she was, hardened her face in determination once more and she shut the door the front door. One more, Rainbow began to march, this time up towards Twilight's room.
When she finally reached the door, the three knocks were eerily similar to those of the first door.
Silence.
"...Twilight?"
More silence.
Rainbow was about to crack open the door when it was ripped open by a magical aura. The same magic snatched Rainbow Dash from her spot outside of Twilight's room and brought her inside, discarding her roughly on the floor. The door behind her slammed and Rainbow, still on the floor, winced.
The nervous pegasus looked up and saw Twilight's face. The Princesses's eyes were red and puffy from tears, and the flush, though slightly less hot, was still there.
"Oh, Twilight, I... I had no idea...I'm so sorry, please forgive me!"
Rainbow braced herself, but Twilight only looked at Rainbow a bit more, pain still evident in her face.
Rainbow felt a stab of guilt as Twilight looked away.
"No...No I should be the one who's sorry. And I am."
Rainbow frowned. "What? No, no, I was being stupid, I put you in a spot like that and freaked you out. I dunno what came over me..."
Silence. Rainbow Dash, despite the situation she was in, was becoming tired of it.
"Look, it's alright if you just wanna be friends, still, I'm totally coo-"
"No. It's...it's not you." Twilight looked back, a small smile on her face. The tears had stopped.
"Well then what's wrong?"
"I...I need to get something off my chest too...I...I've had a crush on you too, Rainbow. Ever since I first met you."
The cerulean pegasus only lay there, gaping from the rug on the floor. Suddenly, she smiled and exclaimed, "That's great! We can-"
"No."
Rainbow slumped.
"What's wrong, then?"
"Well...I...I'm a Princess now...I shouldn't get these feelings... And besides... I'm not..."
"Not... What...?"
"In...trested in mares..."
Rainbow had to chuckle.
"Neither am I, 'Twi. But I don't like the mare, I like Twilight. I fell in love with a beautiful, awesome, smart and friendly pony who just happened to be in a mare's body."
Twilight looked at the ground, her now unkempt mane blocking Rainbow's view.
After a while of thought, Twilight said, "...You...you really mean that?"
Rainbow finally got up from the ground and swept herself over to Twilight. She reached over with a hoof and grasped Twilight's chin. Gently, she guided Twilight's gaze to her's.
"Every word of it."
It's now or never.
Rainbow closer her eyes and brought her open muzzle forward. At first, Twilight resisted, but she eventually relaxed and returned the kiss. It lasted for what seemed like ages, but Rainbow didn't mind it one bit.
Eventually, the kiss was broken and the two stared deep into each other's eyes.
"So...dinner tomorrow?"
Twilight blushed again and brought a hoof to her mouth as she giggled.
"Of course."
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The italics messed up
2680565
Time to go on a messed-up italics hunt!
There appears to be an error in the italics starting about 2/3rds of the way through the story. The entire last third is completely italicized.
2680589
Just fixed it.
;)
Pretty good for a first romance. It's short, but it's a complete story. Not ambitious but decent anyway. Only complaint is that the "I don't like mares I like you" line is starting to get stale, but that's not the fic's fault.
2680637
That's been used before? Blast!
You're the result of me randomly picking a story from the "new" list. I hope you can forgive me.
Well, TwiDash happens to be the only kind of shipping I'm interested in, instantly boosting this story. The problem I have, however, is that it's essentially nothing new at all. There are plenty of romances out there describing the beginning, and they all usually have the pattern "Someone makes the first move, other one flees, only to later confess that they had the same feelings".
I read it a million times already and by now it's nothing interesting anymore. The only new thing in here is the alicorn thing, but that barely had an impact on the story.
Not to say it's bad. Not at all, in fact. It just has nothing new to offer and that's a bit disappointing.
This was a good first attempt, however, there are a few things I'd like to point out.
First of all, you should always do a quick once-over of your whole chapter/one-shot before you upload it, because you have a messed up italics tag towards the end that reduced the whole body of text after it to nothing but italics.
After that, there are a few grammar mistakes—not nearly as many as the majority of first-timers, however, one of the more eye-catching ones is the double "of" at the beginning.
Grammar and formatting aside, the story itself was incredibly short and sadly quite lacking. You started off rather strong, with a decent funnel, but it quickly devolved from there. The important thing to remember about romance is that there must not only be conflict, but emotional build-up; we need to feel the importance of the characters' emotions or the whole thing falls flat. Writers of action/adventure and comedy can usually get away without having large amounts of build-up as long as they have compelling plot-lines, but in situations where the entire plot hinges on us understanding the emotions of, and sympathizing with, the characters, it will inevitably cause the death of the story.
Why does Rainbow love Twilight? How did her feelings develop? Is she okay with them? Has she ever tried to hint at them to Twilight? Is she perhaps growing frustrated that such a smart pony can be so obtuse? Perhaps she's been closely guarding her feelings as a secret because she's actually very insecure? How did she become so close to Twilight, to the point where they're both comfortable with holding each other and other such things?
What about Twilight? How did her feelings develop? Why is she not okay with them? How does a recluse go from non-sociable to secretly loving one of her best friends? What about her issues with being a Princess? I think bats's Little Wonders would be a terrific example of this situation. Look closely at how he handles the emotional build-up; he grows it in tandem with the conflict and emotional issues that both ponies have.
Your dialogue is pretty good, but there are still some things I'd like to talk about in regards to it. When you write people talking, you want to take into account their emotions, their body language—even their upbringings and personalities! Every aspect of a character must go into their dialogue. For instance would you expect Rainbow Dash to say this:
or do you think she'd say it more like this:
Now, applied to this story, we have:
and...
When writing dialogue, remember that you are writing people talking. When we talk, we're really only using our words for about 5-10% of the message. The rest is all body language, tone and inflection. Matching the wording to the character is key, but so are mapping pauses, stutters and tone. There is a big difference between the way Applejack and Fluttershy talk, is there not? Watch how Fluttershy hides behind her mane and murmurs. She tries to keep her sentences short so that nopony can interrupt her. Applejack, on the other had, stands proud and stubborn—she says what she wants to say and she means it. Twilight seems like the kind of pony who would use convoluted articulation in everyday speech without even realizing it.
Go out and listen to how people talk in the real world. Watch some T.V. and pay attention to the pauses, stutters and pitch of characters in different situations—I guarantee that you'll learn a lot.
A good way to approach writing is to look at what you have written in front of you. If your paragraphs are only two or three sentences long, then you are not adequately getting your points across. Color it. Use some description. Talk about body language, maybe bring up the duo's past history or words of advise that either had heard from ponies that they respected. In other words, you have a skeleton for a story here, now put some meat on it!
This fic could have easily been 6-10k. Again, for a first-timer, you did pretty good. Just remember that you want more conflict than "will she love me too?" or "I love you, but we can't be together because of..." and soon you'll be hitting the FB in your sleep.
Good luck!
2680833
This is exactly what I was looking for. Thanks!
This can't possibly be a oneshot! It leaves way too much!!
2682318
Well, I might write an also one-shot sequel later on, if I continue getting positive feedback.
Good story. I like it.
Not a bad story. Could really use an editor, but bad sentence structure and repetition of word choice do not make for a bad story. Just means you could use some more practice.
Overall, I'd say 7 out of 10, as well as a thumbs up.
2696296
Thank you indeed. I'm proud of it.
Fairly enjoyable, for a short little story. You might want to work on fluffing up your sentences, though. What I mean is that in some areas, there are some minor problems. While I won't list all of them, here are a few examples:
First,
Here, the problem being with word choice/repetition. This could easily be fixed by playing around with different words and phrases that give the same meaning:
And second,
In this case, there are some conflicting tenses.This takes a little bit more effort to fix depending on the sentence and context, but shouldn't be too bad.
Just read through, play around, fix it up, and you'll be golden!
2703661
Thanks a bunch!
2703731
No problem, I'd try to help more with structure and what-not, but I'm no writer, just good with grammar.
Very cute and enjoyable!
Soooo... Based on your authors note...
L= Limit of inspiration before you suddenly go writing down fits willy-nilly.
I= Inspiration.
I
-
L
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