Clean Up on Smile Five
Pinkie sat in her room staring at her treasure hoard. Caramels topped on swizzle sticks mixed with licorice formed a huge pile on the floor. She stared at it in excitement. She had never seen so much candy in one place ever before, and now it was time to eat it all. Equestria might face the apocolpyse tomorrow because of it, but it was still worth it.
Pinkie reached into the pile and began searching around, debating on which candy would be a good starting snack. At long last she pulled out a candy apple that shimmered in the sun beaming down through her window. She licked her lips and took a large chomp into it, only to be stopped by a piercing ringing in her ears. Pain errupted from her mouth as she spit the apple out. Little bits of white were stuck in the apple's candy coating.
She ran to the nearest mirror she could find and gazed in horror at her now-gaping mouth. She chipped a good number of teeth, and if she didn't want to believe her eyes the pain was enough to prove it. She closed her mouth quickly to try and nurse them to just make the pain go away. It didn't work. She needed help, and she knew just the pony to give her that help.
"Twilight!" Pinkie yelled, banging on the door of the library. "Twilight! Open up! Help me! Help me please!"
"What's wrong, Pinkie?" Twilight asked, slamming the door open.
"M-m-my tooth!" Pinkie shouted, leaving her mouth open so Twilight could see.
"Oh dear, what did you do?" Twilight asked, putting a hoof to her mouth.
Pinkie lifted the candy apple so Twilight could see all of the little chips of tooth stuck in the coating. Twilight's eyes widened at the mere sight of it. Twilight took another look inside Pinkie's mouth just to make sure that she was really seeing what she thought she was seeing. Twilight tapped one of the teeth to get absolute certainty. The second she got anywhere close Pinkie launched into the sky. About a minute later Pinkie returned to the ground, grasping her mouth with her hooves.
"Looks like there's no way around it," Twilight said, "you've got to go to the dentist."
Pinkie's pupils shrank to the size of specks as she retreated into her own mind. She remembered her time on the rock farm. It had been a hard day of rolling stones from the east field to the west field and she was just eager to be done with it. When the dinner bell rang, she excitedly ran to her house and tripped face-planting on a rock.
When she pulled herself away she felt something rattling around in her mouth. She spit out fragments of tooth. Nervously, she talked to her father about it and he reached the same horrible conclusion: Pinkie had to go to the dentist. The whole experience caused her to shudder. The sound of the drill rang through her mind. And the pain. Oh sweet Celestia, the pain. There was no way she was going back to do that again, ever.
"Equestria to Pinkie," Twilight said, waving her hoof in front of Pinkie's face. "Come on, I'll walk you down to the dentist."
"No!" Pinkie shouted, and she dashed off.
Pinkie ran through the town in a desperate attempt to escape from the mad pony. Standing in the marketplace she looked around for someplace to hide. Her eyes cast about the whole area while the rest of her body shook fervently. She turned around just in time to see Twilight running towards the her. She looked back to the marketplace. There was Applejack's stall! Perfect.
"Hide me," Pinkie said, ducking around Applejack and hiding under the stall. Before Applejack could say anything she turned to face an oncoming customer.
"Hey Applejack, have you seen Pinkie Pie anywhere? We were talking, and after I mentioned the dentist Pinkie just bolted."
"Is that why you're hidin'?" Applejack asked Pinkie, "Cuz you don't want to go to the dentist?"
"Traitor!" Pinkie shouted.
She jumped up causing the stall to explode into a huge pile of debris. Apple products covered several onlookers, and the remaining fruits rained down onto the ground pelting several ponies in the head. Pinkie hopped over Applejack and took off. Twilight wouldn't have her today. Pinkie looked everywhere for an escape. She couldn't stay in the marketplace. She looked around and saw Sweet Apple Acres in the distance. No, she couldn't hide there. Now Applejack was in on it and it wouldn't be long before the rest of her family would be too.
Pinkie turned around to see an orange pony and a purple pony walking next to each other in the distance. Time was running out. Pinkie looked around for another escape. Carousel Botique! Pinkie ran to the door and began pounding on it, staring at the growing blobs in the distance.
"Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Pinkie, stop hitting me!" Rarity demanded.
"Oh there you are," Pinkie said. Sweat drenched her face as she began looking around for some place, any place to just hide. "You've got to hide me, please."
"Pinkie, what has gotten you so terrified?" Rarity asked, putting a hoof to her mouth.
"No time to explain!" Pinkie said, shaking Rarity's head. "Just hide me! Somewhere! I'll hide in your toilet if I have to! Please!"
"Um... okay," Rarity said.
Pinkie darted past Rarity and bolted into her bathroom. Seconds later a huge splash was heard. Rarity peeked into the bathroom to see eyes poking out from under the lid, zooming every which way.
"I think you might be more comfortable in a closet or something," Rarity replied. Before Pinkie could answer there was a knock at the door.
"Eeep!" Pinkie replied and ducked all the way down, causing the lid to clang.
There was another knock. Rarity slowly approached the door. Whatever had gotten Pinkie into such an uproar had to be one of the most terrible, hideous things in all of Equestria—or Applejack and Twilight holding a candy apple with white sprinkles.
"Have you seen Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked.
"Yes I have. I had never seen her look so frightened before. It was almost as if somepony was out to get her. She's hiding in my toilet..."
Applejack quirked her eyebrow. Another splash was heard from the bathroom.
"They're out to get me!" Pinkie shouted.
Then the sound of shattered glass echoed after her. The three of them entered the bathroom to find broken bits of window on the floor, and the plunger stuck on the sill. There was also a Pinkie-shaped hole in the wall, and a dust cloud off on the horizon.
Pinkie still needed some place to hide, but she was running out of places to go or friends to help her hide. With Rarity on their team, they'd be able to find Pinkie no matter where she was hiding in Ponyville. There was no denying that whatsoever. Pinkie looked to her side to see Rainbow hovering over her shoulder.
"Where's the fire?" Rainbow asked her.
"There's a fire?" Pinkie responded
With her attention taken by Rainbow she rammed flat into a wall. She backed away from it only to feel a very familiar pain in her mouth. She spit out another tooth into her hooves, with Rainbow looking on with shock.
"Woah," Rainbow said. "That looks like it hurt. We'd better get that tooth fixed up right away."
"You're—you're not going to take me to the dentist are you?" Pinkie asked, quivering backwards towards the wall.
"Of course. Are you expecting me to put the tooth back in?"
"No!" Pinkie shook her head. "No! No! No!"
Pinkie reved up to run again, but Rainbow grabbed her before she could escape to anywhere. Rainbow turned Pinkie around and looked her in the eyes. They were full of desperate fear and kept darting around, looking for some sort of escape.
"Pinkie, the dentist is nothing to be scared of," Rainbow said in an attempt to comfort her. "I go there all the time."
"Yes it is!" Pinkie shouted, struggling to get away. Rainbow wouldn't let go.
"If you don't go to the dentist then your teeth won't get fixed, and if your teeth don't get fixed then you're really going to have a hard time eating some of your favorite treats."
"I. Don't. Care!" Pinkie shouted and she finally managed to pull away and left Rainbow in the dust.
"Wait! Come back!" Rainbow replied, and then she said something that Pinkie didn't care enough to hear. The only thing on her mind was escape.
Pinkie had made it to the outskirts of Ponyville before she started running out of breath. In the distance she saw Fluttershy outside of her cottage feeding some animals. Maybe she would understand. She had to! She was Pinkie's last hope. If Fluttershy couldn't hide her then there was no denying it, she'd have to escape from Ponyville and never come back.
"Fluttershy! Fluttershy!" Pinkie called out, between gasps of breath.
"Is something wrong Pinkie? You seemed terrified!" Fluttershy asked, turning her attention to Pinkie. Then she ducked towards the ground. "Is there something to be terrfied of!?"
"Yes! Yes!" Pinkie shouted. "It's awful! Horrible! I'd call even call it horribly awful!"
"W-what is it?" Fluttershy cowered closer to her house.
"Everypony—"
"Yes?"
"Everypony wants—"
"Y-yes?"
"Everypony wants me to go to the dentist!" Pinkie blurted out, dropping to the ground and covering her face with her hooves.
Fluttershy stopped cowering and walked over to her. "Is that it?"
"What do you mean 'is that it?' It's the most horrible, hideous, evil thing that could ever happen to anypony!"
"What are you talking about? I go to the dentist all the time."
"You... are so brave," Pinkie said with the most serious voice she had ever used in her entire life. To further the point she dropped herself to Fluttershy's hooves.
"Who is trying to make you go to the dentist and why?"
"Twilight has! She's used her magic to hypnotize and brain wash everypony! I don't know why! I don't know why anypony would want to make me go to the dentist!"
Pinkie curled up in a ball at Fluttershy's hooves. Tears began to drench down her face as she thought of the torture that Twilight was trying to get her to go to. Fluttershy put a hoof on Pinkie's shoulder in some attempt to comfort her, but it didn't last long. Rainbow was rushing over the horizon, calling out for Pinkie. The second Pinkie heard her in the distance she was off, rushing anywhere but there.
Pinkie sat behind a rock in the middle of the forest. Everything was lost. Rainbow Dash would talk to Fluttershy and bring her under Twilight's spell and turn her into just another zombie, whose only purpose was to force Pinkie to go to the dentist. She kept turning back towards the path to town, just waiting for somepony to come wandering. She had to be ready to disappear at a moment's notice.
"Pinkie!" shouted a voice from up above. "Pinkie! Where are you?"
It was Rainbow Dash. She was flying over the forest, keeping an eye out for Pinkie. If Pinkie tried to escape to anywhere it wouldn't be long before Rainbow caught up to her. She needed a way to outsmart Rainbow, and then a brilliant plan hit her. Everypony was expecting her to run for the hill, but what if she hid back in town? What if she hid where everypony expected to find her—her room? Nopony would ever find her there!
Pinkie made it back into town and broke into stealth mode. A couple of ponies were walking by so Pinkie ducked behind a lamp post. She began to sweat as they slowed their stroll to talk about taffy, or something. Maybe they weren't talking about taffy. Pinkie just really wanted some taffy. The good news was that there was still plenty of taffy in her room. The bad news was that it was clear across town, and all of her friends were out to get her.
"What are you doing?" one of the ponies asked.
"You'll never take me alive!" Pinkie shouted
She darted off and jumped into an alleyway. She used its darkness to hide while she caught her breath. Her rest was interrupted by another pony walking by. This time it was Applejack. Pinkie covered her mouth in order to stay absolutely silent. Applejack looked into the alley. A bead of sweat appeared on Pinkie's forehead. Her lungs were getting heavier and heavier as Applejack stared into the alley. Just before Pinkie gave in, Applejack shrugged and went on her merry way.
Pinkie couldn't stay at ground level if she wanted to stay hidden. She looked up. Perfect. Pinkie jumped at the wall of the alley and bounced back to the other wall until she made it to the rooftop. Pinkie smiled to herself as she trotted along, only to stop when she saw Twilight talking to Fluttershy on the road below.
"We've got to find her before it's too late," Twilight said. "If we don't find her soon the dentist won't be able to do anything."
"I know, but where do you think she's hiding?" Fluttershy replied.
"Pinkie! There you are!" Rainbow shouted.
Pinkie turned around to see Rainbow, diving downwards towards her. Pinkie broke into a full-speed run off of the roof only to crash onto the ground below in front of Twilight and Fluttershy. An explosion of shingles shot into the sky behind them as Rainbow crashed into the roof.
"Hurry, grab her!" Twilight shouted to Fluttershy.
Pinkie got back to her hooves at those words, and her eyes widened with fear as Twilight and Fluttershy inched closer to her. Pinkie backed up into a wall and gritted her teeth as she waited for the inevitable. Doing that caused another tooth to fly out. The three of them looked at it in surprise.
"Pinkie you've got to go to the dentist before—"
"Gotcha!" Rainbow Dash shouted as she reached for Pinkie through the open window just above her.
After dodging Rainbow's grab, Pinkie ran off again. Anywhere, anyway she had to get away. Soon Sugarcube Corner was in her sights. She looked around for any onlookers that might try to tackle her as she crossed the road. She smiled when she saw nopony on the road. A mere gust blew past her mouth and it was on fire once again. Her eyes welled with tears as she began running around in circles, screaming.
Ponies popped out of their houses to see what all of the noise was about. Some of them gave nervous laughter, most likely thinking that this was another one of Pinkie's bizarre attempts to cheer somepony up. Others just stared on awkwardly until Pinkie stopped running in circles. She looked around at the crowd she caused, blushed and walked to the bakery.
As soon as she opened the door, she found herself in a room of darkness. Blinds were closed, letting only streaks of light cascade the room. At the far-end of the room she saw a silhouette, drinking from a teacup. Pinkie sweated as she called out.
"Mrs. Cake?" she asked nervously.
"No dear, it's me," Rarity said, turning her chair so the weak light shone on her face. "It's about time that you've come to your senses. We've got to talk about this dentist thing."
"No," Pinkie said, her eyes shrinking to the size of pinpricks as she backed up to the door, only to find that it wouldn't open.
"You're not going to get through there." she said, "Applejack is holding it shut from the other side"
That didn't stop Pinkie from trying. She was banging on the thing, in some desperate attempt to break it down. Rarity sighed, and waited for Pinkie to tire herself out a little bit. No matter how thoroughly she thrashed the door however, her endless supply of energy didn't even dwindle. Rarity took a hoof-mirror out of the darkness.
"I want to show you something," Rarity said.
"A-are you going to tell me my mane is a cornicopia of madness again?" Pinkie asked.
"What? No. I want to show you what your smile looks like."
"Oh, don't be silly! My smile looks—" Pinkie said before she was interrupted by Rarity holding the mirror to her face.
Her smile looked... hideous. Not only were there teeth missing, but several other were chipped and broken in various other ways. It only took a few seconds of looking at before she closed her eyes in disbelief. That couldn't be what her smile looked like. Rarity must have been using some kind of magic to make the mirror do that. Or Twilight had cast a spell on her eyes to make her see that horrid monstrosity.
"That's what your teeth look like right now, and if you don't go to the dentist then that's the way that they'll stay," Rarity said. "A dentist can fix this."
"No!" Pinkie sputtered as she fell to the floor. "All they do is hurt with their scary drills and their huge pliers. That and give me nightmares that will never EVER go away."
"Oh dear," Rarity said, putting a hoof to her mouth, "you've had a particularly bad experience, haven't you?"
"No," Pinkie said. "I had a really bad visit to the dentist. Bad enough to make me know, I never want to go back there again. Ever. Even if my mouth looks like dragon dung for the rest of my life."
"Pinkie, it won't be like that again. I promise."
"I-I don't believe you. I can't believe you." Pinkie said, covering her face.
"Pinkie dear, the dentist can fix this but only if we get there as fast as possible. Your friends have been kind enough to keep track of the teeth you've been carelessly losing all over town."
"I-I-I-I don't want to go," was the only thing that Pinkie could say.
"Alright, you leave me no choice," Rarity said. "I'm sorry, but I have to do this."
Pinkie opened one eye to see Rarity holding out a plate of sugary treats. It was piled high with pastries and candies of every sort and every color of the rainbow. Pinkie's eyes glittered with glaze as the sweets reflected in them. She grabbed the plate and took a huge bite only to stop instantly. That wasn't the savory taste of sugar she was tasting. It was pain she was tasting. And it was a lot of it.
"What did you do to the candies!?" Pinkie demanded, jumping at Rarity.
"I didn't do anything," Rarity said, keeping her cool. "When your teeth are broken, anything you eat causes you to be in pain—especially sugary foods. All of them."
"Even the swizzle sticks?" Pinkie asked desperately.
"Even the swizzle sticks," Rarity replied.
"I-I-I," Pinkie mumbled, as she ran through her mind. She had a choice to make. One afternoon of a horrible experience, or pain every time she tried to eat her candies. She remembered how happy she was before she bit that dreadful candy apple. If she didn't get her teeth fixed, then she'd never be that happy again.
"I-I-I" she continued.
"I see," Rarity sighed.
"I'll go," Pinkie finally said, defeated.
"You will!?" Rainbow Dash asked, bursting through the door. The rest of her friends followed. It was clear that they were listening intently through the door. Each of them let out expressions of relief, except Twilight. She had that look that read this isn't over yet.
"Come on then," Twilight said, putting a hoof around Pinkie's neck, "Dr. Colgate's office isn't too far from here."
Pinkie took a deep breath, her eyes kept darting back and forth. "O-okay, let's go."
Pinkie stepped out onto the street like a dead mare walking. One of her friends were in every direction so there was absolutely no way that she could escape. Every time she tried to walk a little slower, Applejack bumped into her. Even stalling would be impossible. After a grueling time, the six of them stood at the door to the dentist's office. Twilight pushed the door open and the rest of her friends led Pinkie inside.
"We finally found her," Twilight said to the pony at the counter.
"And just in the nick of time," the pony replied. "The doctor will see you immediately."
Twilight nodded and motioned to Pinkie Pie. She stood there for a moment before Applejack pushed her forward, getting her moving. Rainbow Dash handed Twilight a jar filled with Pinkie's discarded teeth.
"T-they're not coming in?" Pinkie asked. The sweat coming off of her would be enough to drown a small animal.
"There's not enough room for all of us in the operating room," Twilight said.
"O-operating?" Pinkie asked, nervously. She looked back, trying to find an opening to escape, but all she saw was the smiling face of her friends. She took a deep breath and stopped shaking. "Alright Twilight, let's do this."
Twilight took one of Pinkie's hooves in her own, and guided her into the room with a smiling pony in a doctor's uniform. It was a brightly lit room too with pictures of teeth instead of display cases of sharp, pointy drills. It was definitely a different one to the dentist office of her memory. Twilight let Pinkie to a chair in the middle of the room.
"Hello, my name is Colgate," the pony said as she began to wash her hooves in a sink.
"M-m-my name is P-Pinkie Pie."
"A bit nervous are we?"
"Nervous isn't the half of it," Twilight said, and she handed Colgate the jar.
"Oh my. This'll take some work," Colgate said, eyeing all of the broken teeth. She put her medical mask on.
"J-just level with me. How much is this going to hurt?"
"Hurt?" Colgate asked with a quirked brow. "We're going to use laughing gas, you shouldn't feel a thing."
"R-really?"
"Really really," Colgate said with a brightened face.
She walked over to a strange machine, pressed a few buttons, and placed a mask on Pinkie's face. Colgate turned to the clock on the wall. As the seconds went by Pinkie felt the nervousness just go away like a butterfly drifting off of a flower. That thought made her laugh. When the mask was removed Colgate got to work. She had the drills, but they didn't bother Pinkie in the slightest. She actually found them kind of funny. Colgate using magic and sweating? That was absolutely hilarious! At least an hour went by and Pinkie found it a riot.
"And we're done," Colgate said with a final tweak. She turned to Twilight. "So, who's bill do I put this on?"
That topped the sweating in terms of funny.
Pinkie emerged from the dentist's office and smiled at her friends. They weren't shrieking in fright so that had to be a good sign. Seconds later, Twilight popped out of the office with bright red cheeks. She went back to normal when she saw everypony else happy.
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Twilight asked.
"Nope," Pinkie Pie replied. "Sorry I caused you girls so much trouble."
"Hey, don't sweat it," Rainbow replied. "Anything that you'd choose over sweets has got to be a biggy."
"Yeah, and you know, I think I've learned something."
"Oh really?" Twilight asked.
"Yup! May I?" Pinkie asked.
Twilight levitated a piece of paper and a quill to Pinkie.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I broke a lot of my teeth. My friends tried to get me to go to the dentist to get them all fixed, but I didn't want to because I was scared—no scared isn't the right word—I was really, super-duper terrified. Eventually they got me to go and it wasn't that bad. I guess sometimes your friends will try and make you do something you don't want to do, but if they're good friends—and I've got the best in the world—you should trust them that it's in your best interests"
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This is probably the best fic involving Pinkie going to the dentist. Other fics I read had the dentist frequently scare Pinkie Pie or crack a lot of tooth puns.
This one even feels like it could be an episode.
[](/bonbon) I could see this as an episode easily
They really should do an episode where Pinkie goes to the dentist. I would like to see it happen!
2676829 Thanks. That means a lot
I can relate my teeth always hurt every time I have jolly ranchers or lifesavers. I don't mind going to the dentist though. The only thing I hated was that there was this old dentist with jittery hands who raked my good teeth with the drill.
I like this but I've also seen a few things where Pinkie actually has like super teeth, and Colgate gives up dentistry. Vinyl uses wubs to clean her teeth by the way.
This is Season 4 episode material.
HASBRO PLS!
This was quite clever.
A thoroughly enjoyable read. Well done.
~Skeeter The Lurker
noting spectacular, but a decent enjoyable story none the less.
This really felt like an episode. It would actually work rather well, with several layers of morals: moderation where it comes to sweets, the importance of good dental care, trusting your friends, and facing your fears. Well done! It's even got a good episodic title!
I rather liked it. I do have one thing that came across as strange, though:
Rarity would never, under any circumstances, NOT completely freak out when Pinkie hid in her toilet. She would require Pinkie Pie to stay in the shower for a minimum of 78 minutes before she was allowed to leave.
2676015 My thoughts exactly
2676760 Yes! That would be so awesome
, and a really good moral too
This is an awesome fic, I love it. Good original flavor.
I actually really sympathize with Pinkie here because when I was a kid, I had to have surgery and it left me afraid of doctors for a long time. I know how she feels.
Great job!
Her fear of the dentist is believable, I should know.
>> SuperPinkBrony12 That's because it WILL BE AN EPISODE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! Most likely... Luv u Millicent
Nice, fun story. Glad I checked it out!
(you migh know me as igamergirl on YT)
2959260 Thanks. Let's see if I can get this project off the ground!
started a bit weird for an actual episode of mlp but it just never stopped getting better.
one piece of advice though... the clock set by Colgate. It might be better to use an hour glass instead. Its best not to push the technology envelope if you don't have to, and its Colgate's cutie mark... so that's a plus.
If she didn't want to go to the dentist, she should have went to Zecora and have the kind zebra mix up a potion, like she did for Apple Bloom's chipped tooth.
2879556 I'm with you there.
A simplistic, yet character driven story. It might have even worked as an episode!!!
Take note, Hasbro.
That's how you write an episode of Pinkie. >:D
PS: Your reviews... 1000000/10. :D
I'm surprised Pinkie Pie didn't confide her fears to her friends sooner. Otherwise, we wouldn't have gotten a hilariously worded fanfiction. But that's where I needed to stop, re-read a paragraph, and continue. I can't tell if I was reading too fast, or if the story was rushed, but I have to go with the ladder. I only wished it was expanded, having her friends offer their own perspectives and criticisms. But that's just wishful thinking.
Great fanfiction, though. I can't wait to read more if you decide to continue.
3304449 There is no evidence that Pinkie or the mane six knows Zecora can do that.
I'm a little confused why eating a hoard of candy would cause the apocalypse (in the first paragraph). Is there going to be a nation-wide candy shortage? Is she going to vomit candy all over the streets? The sentence just seems vague to me. Maybe the joke isn't supposed to make sense, but maybe I missed something.
3713530 Well, what do you think would happen if you gave Pinkie Pie, the most hyperactive pony in Equestria, that much sugar?
3742305 Alright, so it does make sense. Still, it took me days to puzzle that one out. Thanks for confirming that one for me.
This is one of my dream episodes. Has anybody notice the sweets she has eating in the show. My god by now she should of have a cavity.
Yeah I would have to agree this was a good episode..I mean fanfiction...I mean episode....I mean well this story was great. Mind if I do a little review over it to test my critic capability? I'm still a rookie at this thing as a whole.
But I do tend to get better.
3864791 Sure, go right ahead.
This fic was awesome, and I could honestly see this as an episode in a later season. 10/10.
That....... was an amazing
episodefanfic!One of the first fics i read on the site, and still one of the best.
Pretty enjoyable all the way through.
When it comes to reviewing stories, I tend to do the same thing you do and separate the writer(s) strengths and weaknesses.
Strengths:
Everyone's in-character. The way you describe Pinkie's fear is such that it instantly draws empathy from anyone with a similar experience (like me except with an orthodontist instead). The way you write Rarity in particular shows how easily she's able to figure out Pinkie's having a problem (like in Lesson Zero). You also found a way to shift back and forth between humorous and serious without being jarring (think Kung Fu Panda). The letter at the end is a nice touch. Plus, you write Applejack a lot better than I do.
Weaknesses:
Unfortunately, sometimes your story's progression is hampered by poorly constructed dialogue. For example:
"Twilight!" Pinkie yelled, banging on the door of the library. "Twilight! Open up! Help me! Help me please!"
"What's wrong, Pinkie?" Twilight asked, slamming the door open.
"M-m-my tooth!" Pinkie shouted, leaving her mouth open so Twilight could see.
"Oh dear, what did you do?" Twilight asked, putting a hoof to her mouth.
Continually inserting words like yelled, asked, shouted, or said, interrupts the flow of the story. Most of the time, you can leave the explanatory words out entirely and the meaning remains the same. For example:
"Twilight!" Pinkie pounded on the library's door. "Twilight! Open up! Help me! Help me please!"
Twilight threw the door open, "Pinkie? What's wrong?"
M-m-my tooth!" Pinkie opened her mouth wide so Twilight could see.
The sight made Twilight put a hoof to her mouth, "Oh dear, what did you do?"
It's the same words, but a little more concise.
Furthermore, whenever you make a new paragraph, it helps to indent the first line for audience benefit.
Like this.
Other than that, your works definitely show promise. Good luck, Mystery.
After watching so many of your videos, it seems kind of ironic for me to critique you, especially since I learned a fair bit about writing from you yourself XD
From what I saw, the only problem that stuck out during my read was that it felt a bit rushed, without a good flow to it. It wasn't glaring, but it certainly made it not draw me in as much as it could have, and it was shorter to boot. (Not that the length you have is a bad thing, just the way it was structured, I think it should have been a bit longer.)
But you nailed the comedy pretty well, and you wrote Pinkie Pie (and I noticed Applejack as well) to near perfection. It was a great read, awesome worne
Excellent story! Great characterization! Good development! A bit too vague description of little's Pinkie's experience...? Not enough background ponies...? And now I have a question:
How exactly works that?! Ponies can walk with three legs while holding each other hooves?
Bah! The story is good anyway! Very good job!
6377278 If a three legged dog cna do it i'm pretty a pony can to.
Y'know, while I don't quite feel this was like an episode of the show, and it didn't really make me laugh, this was still pretty good. Everypony was in character, Rarity stole the show (as usual) and Pinkie's fear of the dentist was actually pretty believable considering the dentist back then probably didn't use anesthetic, which means that much pain DID leave believable "scars", as it were. I kinda saw where it was going the whole time, but it didn't bother me. This was a fun little fic.
It's kinda funny that Pinkie was more out of character in this story than any of the times you've accused the show of it. Irony.
I know how she feels...I hate going to the dentist! Just had a wisdom tooth removed a month ago. Ugh.
Poor Pinkie!
I still remember that first dentist....
This was hilarious and cute.
The series in its purest form.
8243024
Ehhh maybe