One Hearts and Hooves day, Rarity is helping Twilight test a new transformation spell that ends up with her becoming a giant dragon. After being chased away by the frightened citizens of Ponyville, Rarity flees to the mountains. Spike then has to set out on a journey in order to save the girl of his dreams.
Art by WillisNintey-Six on deviantart
EDIT: I went back into the story and fixed a bit of proof reading errors and I touched on some of the issues with dialogue that Macho Madness brought up. Overall the story is the same but some of the character interactions are a bit different if you want to check it out. Also, for some reason, and only Macho seemed to notice, the indentation is really weird and for some reason I can't fix.
Chapters (1)
Too fast paced and persistent errors. Still enjoyable to an extent because Sparity.
Nice story i give it a good 7/10
4047962
Thank you, yeah like I said I am trying to improve. I think I am also getting someone willing to edit this but I need to hear back from them.
it was cool, i think you could do more with it though
4048277
Do tell.
4048344 well im not going to be one to tell the author how to write his stories, but i am quite eager to see if you make a sequel, unless you intended this to be this one story, in which case its fine as it is
4048525 I intended this to stand alone, but I'll think about it.
Well, Fluttershy and Twilight come to mind.
4049026
I did realize that after I posted it. haha
4048659
Thanks for your input. Like I said, writing for me is a growing skill. I will gladly take a look at those groups and improve in the future.
I really liked this fic! Do you mind if I submit this to Equestria Daily?
4049527
Not at all, let me just clean it up a bit because some errors have been noticed and I will PM you when I am done.
4049536 Alright. :)
"Love is Blind..."
And blind drivers tend to get in car accidents the most.
4049693
That is true I guess. Although, why were they driving in the first place.
I don't want to sound harsh, but the truth is that based on how they have screened stories in the past, EQD would reject this instantly.
Take everything Macho Madness said to heart. I want to like this because it's Sparity, and the premise, while not entirely original, isn't as done to death as some others here. However, it feels more like a robotic summary than an enthralling story.
I was hoping for Twi to fix the spell that changes Rarity into a dragon the same size as Spike... but it was still a great story either way
4049617
Unfortunately, that would get this instantly rejected. Only the author of a story is allowed to submit said story.
not bad, but the title.... needs adjusting. It.. makes it seem like a character loses their sight or has a blind character or something.
4050544 "Love is blind" is an expression that means a person is so in love with another person that they cannot see their faults. Essentially, it "blinds" them so that they only see the good in the person/thing they love.
4049701
I was just making a comment on the logic of that letting blind forces leading ones life leading them to...well...you saw Romeo and Juliet, right?
4051220 Got it
4051991 You're welcome, you helped me see some easy improvements, so I thought it was a good way to thank you.
What a beautiful story with a great plot. It does have some errors, otherwise it's good.
:
4054873
Thank you, yeah I know it's not perfect, but since not too many people care, I fixed the careless and quick errors and left it at that. Although, I am using suggestions to improve my next set of stories.
4054983 I was in love with this.
I thought the most touching scene was where Spike found Rarity crying in the cave about how she thought that she was a monster yet he convinced her otherwise.
4055017
Well thank you, truth be told, not even in my wildest dreams did I think that this would turn out this good.
I see what you did there...
4055157 Scenes similar to this one have always been my favorite. It always shows
1. Who your real friends are
2. That love is also unconditional:
What can I say that hasn't been already? It was adorable, and somehow they way the characters revealed their feelings didn't seem rushed. But, was that a hint of AppleDash near the end?
Adorable!
Far too fast paced for me, and the characterisation isn't hitting me. Plus, a common mistake I see, and one that particularly annoys me rear its ugly head:
This is wrong.
This is right.
A speaker should only capitalised if it's a name:
Short & Sweet! I like this. I skipped words. Not that the script was too descriptive it was just predictable. Not that it was a bad thing. I get the point to the story and it was not 6000 words long. Nicely done, all though there were a few extremely rare cliches such as the part where Twilight gives Spike the rose as in a "You can't stop me!" "I know, take this, you'll need it." Here's a tip you can use to utilize this small skill of yours and turn it into something good. Find or make a group of writers and get together and make a story where all of you pitch in ideas to a story and post it here. If you want I can help too.
Good, sweet story though it could be fleshed out more and given an epilogue.
Also.. "The group shuttered at the thought." Shuddered. The word you're looking for is shuddered.
4059704 That's why there was a teen rating
4062386 Yeah, I'd call that my personal low point of the story, just because I'm not one to ship the Mane Six with each other; in fact, this constant shipping by others on FIMFiction has made it a little difficult to watch those episodes where the characters develop their relationships as friends, instead of something else. So the implication of such a thing just felt forced and unnecessary. Mind you, I still consider this an excellent one-shot.
Nicest way to put it, it's obvious it was your second story.
There was nothing "wrong" with it, it just seemed too...rushed, I suppose. Too flat? The characters felt like puppets and Twilight suddenly spurting a bunch of information wasn't necessary nor organic.
Anyway, the only thing to really improve is to write more. So, as long as you know about these problems, keep going.
To start this on a positive note, the idea seems like it could work as presented, and I think the story works as a proof of concept.
That said, after reading it I don't think it works that well as a story, essentially due to characterization issues. While at any given point the characters' actions and attitudes seemed reasonable with regards to circumstances specifically, rarely if ever did they seem to reflect the personalities of the specific characters involved, an issue made all the more glaring by the fact that they are characters established elsewhere with well know personalities and quirks. As such, the story came off as very artificial, if you catch meaning.
I'm not sure what advice I could give you in this regard, the only thing I can think of at the moment would be to jot down the personalities, quirks and character flaws of each of the major characters in point form when planning out a story, and then check it regularly to make sure everyone in the story is acting according to their character. I'm not sure how much this would help however, as I tend to run into problems of a different nature when I write so I've only partially tested it.
Not bad, dude. It comes of as a little too detached sometimes - most of Spike's journey was a long narration, but it wasn't bad by any means. You should try making this longer, maybe three or so chapters - just to get the pacing down.
All in all, it was fluffy and okay.
Nice little story, Could of used a little more conflict, Other dragons roaming the skys to find a fresh mate?, Spike "Draking up" like secret of my excess & battling for his ladys honor?, Still you need to use the right words to carry the feelings and be less discriptive,
Spike looked over the line of mountain peaks , His only clue to where she might be was a group of circling dragons. Could she be there?
The closer he got to the swarm he could see a lone White Dragoness defending her perch, A cave just big enough to take shelter from the advances of all those wild uncouth Drakes. The fear he had was not for himself but for his fair lady , Spike continued forward, The mob of Dragons were getting too close & the heat of the action began to reach a fevered pitch, Spikes heart raced, His eyes saw the fear in Raritys eyes, He could feel the raw terror in her crys & her tears streaking down her scales, Her firey breath was nearly exhausted as with her will to fight.
.Spikes small size though good for stealth was now a disadvantage , He called out "Rarity I'm here !"
She whined "Spikey, Be careful the Drakes, , ," Before she could say any more a red drake pushed in for another advance,
Spikes mind went red, "SPIKE WANT" Came with a roar, "SPIKE WANT !" Came with Flame & brimstone, The Red Drake was caught off guard, Small Purple Spikey grew throwing the Red Drake off ballance,
"RARITY" Spike called , They reached out ot each other, "We got to get out of here" He said as they clasped & hugged each other.
Spike let out his emerald flames as She spread her wings & lifted off, He clung below her soft belly & she held her Drake tightly and dove over the edge of the cliff, The fall built up speed as she opened her wings further,
Once airborne they darted ,dived , rolled through over and under the clouds.
The mad dash of dragons Followed. Spike clung on tight as he wrapped his tail around hers,
Down below in Sweet Apple Acres AJ heard the beginings of a growin storm and Granny Called out " It's a commin, It's a commin head fer the celler the Dragons their a breedin".
As AJ reached the celler door they all saw a White & purple streak in the air followed by a mobbing rainbow of angry colors, Flame & Smoke riddled the sky.
. AJ raised an eyebrow sayin to the Apple family " Don't see that too often do ya?"
Spike looked back at the mad bunch behind them just in time to see a yellow drake slash at their tails, Spike rolled his tail to protect Raity, The pain & impact was a warning .
Spike Yelled to her " Rarity you're tired & I'm slowing you down. You need to get out a here NOW !"
She look at her drake & climbed for the sun, She looked into his eyes.
Spike continued "I'll just let go & you'll be safe" .
" NO" said Rarity,
" It's what I need to do" yelled Spike,
Rarity yelled again "NO SPIKE"
Spike let loose his grip,
Rarity screamed "I have another idea" As she held on to the purple one. Rarity rolled on her back in a power dive & wrapped her wings around them both as they fell.
She put her nose to his & said "Love me".
Spike answered "I DO".
She again said "That was not a question precious scales LOVE ME !"
Spikes eyes grew wide, Rarity gently kissed her knight in scales. They continued to fall a white & Purple ball rolling through the sky followed by a flood of color & flame..
Down in ponyville the whole fight was seen by paniced ponies & a purple mare.
Suddenly a flash of saphire & emerald flame blasted the other dragons into fleeing and a green smoke ring shaped in a heart wafted in the sky. All became quiet as the purple & white dragon pair landed near Twilight.
She lookd at the two holding each other close asking "Spike ,Rarity was that you?"
They answered as one "Yes"
Twi asked Rarity "When do you think you''ll be ready for the transformation back?"
Rarity wrapped her wings around spike as he said "The lady's not finnished yet" as Twi saw the blush on both their faces.
A few months after being returned to her ponyself Rarity had a post spell check up, The Doctor talked to Twi & Rarity "Looks like everythings fine on the out side , We just have a little issue to clear up,
What's that Doc? Twi asked, The Doc replied "Who's the father????"
Very detailed, very moving, very descriptive, very adventurous...I'm surprised this story wasn't featured. It is good enough. Bravo.
6890177
Thank you! Some people told me it was featured for a bit but I never saw it. Glad you enjoyed it.
One up from me here. I approve of these two and it's nice to see a little hint of them in here.
It could be slower paced, but it certainly was enjoyable and a memorable Sparity Story.
This is a sweet little oneshot
bar that repugnant hint of appledash at the end there, it was nice
I loved this story, thank you so much for making it :)👍👏