Prologue: Dark Dreams
"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." -Edgar Allen Poe-
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Darkness. Darkness was all that Pinkie could see in her hometown of Ponville. It enveloped her and made her gasp for breath, which came out in a misty form. Strange. It was not cold yet... she felt cold on the inside. She felt like every hope and dream she ever strived for was all for nothing. She felt worthless and hated, which was what scared her the most. She tried to laugh, hoping it would lighten the mood, but all that came out was a whimper of umistakable fear. She strained to see in these hate-filled shadows but only saw the outlines of what looked to be Twilight's house. Maybe Twilight could help make sense of what was going on? Pinkie took small steps toward the familiar yet ominous house. Why was she so afraid... more importantly, what was making her so afraid? Pinkie finally reached the house and tried the door only to find that it was locked.
"Darn..." Pinkie muttered unhappily, which was not like her at all. This realization only served to make her even more scared than before. Pinkie was about to go and try to find the boutique but paused. A faint glow in the window caught her attention. When she looked she found Twilight Sparkle staring back at her. She just stood there, a couple inches away from the glass. Pinkie backed away slowly, horrified at what she was seeing. Twilight was burning alive before Pinkie's eyes and was also blaming her for it. The sound of sizzling flesh was enough to make Pinkie gag. Flames shattered a window on the second floor as they reached the outside of the house. The glass rained down on Pinkie, making her cringe. The glass sliced her skin up, causing blood to run freely down her back. She ignored it and focused her attention back on Twilight.
"PINKIE, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Twilight screamed out the window as her face contorted in pain and suffering. After awhile, Pinkie regained her composure. She ran at the window and slammed her hooves against it in desperation, trying to break the glass . She knew the danger but she had to help her friend. She could only watch as the intense heat from the flames stripped the flesh off of Twilight's bones as she screamed in agony. The window seperated them but she could somehow smell the burnt flesh as it charred. The snap, pop, and crackle of this process finally made Pinkie snap her head to the side and vomit violently onto the ground. She fell to the ground and coughed. She looked up at the door at ran towards it. She had to save Twilight... she just had to!
"NO! no! I didn't kill you! NO!" Pinkie screamed as she now tried to break the door down. It only made Twilight laugh at her, while somehow screaming at the same time. It was like two Twilights had double teamed and were vocalizing two different emotions. But it wasn't a happy laugh. It was something that would haunt Pinkie's dreams until the day she died of old age. She didn't even know if this was a dream but she sure hoped it was. She could only watch as Twilight dragged Spike down the stairs and into the fire. His screams of pain were unlike any She had ever encountered. How was he being hurt by all of this? Spike was immune to fire, how in the buck was he being hurt. She then realized why Spike was screaming. A chill went down Pinkie's spine as she watched in absolute horror. Twilight had broken his legs and was twisting them every which way, causing him to throw out bloodcurdling screams. This wasn't real.. wasn't... couldn't... Twilight would never do that!
Pinkie backed away slowly, her eyes wide with a fear unlike any other. Suddenly, she heard another voice that was kind and seemed to only want to help her, or so she hoped. She looked behind her slowly and found that Princess Luna had come out of the everfree forest, which was strangely now next to Twilight's house. Why was it in the middle of Ponyville? More importantly, what was Princess Luna doing here?
"Pinkie! You must wake up! I cannot stay here for long!" Princess Luna warned Pinkie, who looked at Luna in fear. Was this a trick? Was Luna going to suddenly die in a horrible accident and blame her like Twilight and Spike did? Luna's face was also contorted in pain but she wasn't dying. She just stood there and told her to wake up as quickly as she could. Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief. It really was only a nightmare. But a scary one nonetheless.
"Don't worry little one. I am not here to harm you. Although you have let in something dark. Something not of this world or even this dimension. You MUST wake up or you will be trapped in this hell forever!" Luna yelled at Pinkie. As Luna was saying this, a black mist rolled in around their hooves. Whispers began to echo all around them. They belonged to all of the inhabitants of Ponyville. They had surrounded Pinkie and the princess and were staring at them with cold, dead eyes. They whispered threats and called Pinkie horrible names. Even though they were whispers, it felt like they were screaming at her. Pinkie fell down to the ground in a fetal position and closed her eyes tight as she screamed for Luna to help her. Pinkie looked up to find a small filly with a bow in her hair had replaced the princess. No...
"Oh... s-sweet... Celestia... NO..." Pinkie stuttered as she looked at this filly with a horrified expression.
"Applebloom... what happened to you?" Pinkie slowly asked with fear and shock. Standing only a few feet away from Pinkie was Applebloom. What froze pinkie in petrified terror was the fact that, instead of Applebloom's bright, happy eyes there were dark, shadowy orbs of hate and malice instead. She... she was crying blood too. Not like a natural cry but the blood just trickled from her eyes and down her cheek. Applebloom slowly walked toward her, staring down at her the entire time.
"You want to know what happened?" Applebloom asked. This voice did NOT belong to the filly. It was a dark, heavy voice. It almost resembled a stallion but there was something else in that voice. Something that would forever haunt Pinkie's memories. It sounded like death... hate... and evil.
Applebloom slowly lowered her head down to Pinkie's ears, who could still not move as the terror spread throughout her body. All the other ghost-like ponies went quiet as Applebloom whispered in Pinkie's ear, "You..."
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Pinkie Pie awoke, screaming at the top of her lungs. She looked around, fearfully, taking in every detail of her surroundings. She relaxed when she realized that she was safe in her room. She slouched back in her bed and cried, trying to fight away the memories of her nightmare. But she remembered every single horrifying detail. The way Applebloom's eyes had looked at her. The way her eyes resembled nothing but abyssal darkness. She even remembered how Twilight had dragged Spike down the stairs and mangled his legs repeatedly. But most of all, it was Applebloom. This wasn't the first nightmare. she has had many in the past three months... but this. It was never this bad or felt that real. She felt everything. It seemed more real than reality itself. Pinkie could only lay there as the tears ran down her cheek and onto the bed, causing a wet spot to form. Pinkie just wanted it all to end... to feel truly happy again. But all she could feel was dread and misery. She was a shadow of her former self.
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Well, have to tell you guys. a bit nervous as to where this story is going to take me.
Won't go too far into the gore. And I'm against any of the ponies actually dying so no need to worry there.
Higher gore creeps all of us out.
Who's "us"?
Exactly.
woah i seem to have started something...
2680978 And what is that? My story?
no it just im in that group and i faved and then it was in the group soooo....
2681046 Yep. you did start that.
Wow... this story is doing a lot better than i thought it would.
Likes-wise
I'll be keeping an eye on this. The pose is suitably descriptive without crossing the line and becoming cumbersome, so
And I'm a sucker for eldritch abominations from beyond! My own story will involve one soon enough, in fact.
2684430 Thanks for that review! I also thank you for the favorite!
Don't know how deep into the realism/ surrealism aspect you want to go into with the dream. I noticed a lack of description of sense centric imagery. Like the smell of burning flesh. What does it smell like? Does it leave an smell like iron, Does the flesh blister and pop, with ebony billows of acrid smoke as the fire feeds upon the flesh? What about sound? Does the fire roar, in the background noise? Does it pop and crackle? What about taste? Does the mouth feel dry, does it have a taste as though someone had placed cotton in Pinkie's mouth? Touch? Does the severity of the heat cause Pinkie to recoil, though she desires to save her friend?
Also, nightmares don't necessarily have to make sense, they only need to be fuel by fear, terror and trepidation. So, instead of having Pinkie breaking the glass window, I'd have instead had the floor shatter like glass, and drop her, the shards cutting her flesh and piercing her coat in various places. Then she'd be visited by the next nightmarish scene. Or like, when Twilight's accusing her of murder, having ethereal voices of the Element Bearers and other ponies she knows spew out venomous words and lies.
Also, I'm rather surprised that Cup and Carrot Cake didn't "break" the door down to ensure that Pinkie was alright. It would seem natural, given as she is their ward and employee.
Peace,
AuthorGenesis
2684441 Cup and carrot cake: They are away on a family vacation with the twins. And the nightmare wasn't making sense, which is what I went for. And the glass did shatter all over her. But thanks for the review man! I'll be sure to add those details into the story!
Well, well, well, what a scary dream to have. Spike seriously needs to watch his back. There's only a few criticisms I have (
sorry). The first part being written entirely in italics seems redundant to me when there's a line before Pinkie waking up-- you don't want the italics giving away the fact she's dreaming-- it's best for the reader to not know for sure until she wakes up. Also it feels rather short a chapter-- is it possible to have more detail on what's going on? (This isn't important too much if it's explained in later chapters).
Erm... *thinks*... In some places it seemed like a Proper Noun festival-- you might want to put 'she' instead of 'Pinkie' sometimes. Rule of thumb is don't tell the reader something they already know, and if we already know it's Pinkie we don't need it again.
One last thing is the lines that break up the section-- for some reason when you actually write the dotted lines on the page they fit-- but when you press publish they no longer do. You somehow need to shorten them until they fit onto the page people actually read (I know it doesn't spoil the reading but it's nice to see it fitting right?).
I hope this helps since I saw you wanted some comments from other authors-- and I hope you have fun writing more of it. It has some great potential... *searches for good enough emoitcon*...
.
Your friendly neighbourhood DreamWings
2684464 I wanted the feelings to be a bit vague in this. I wanted the reader to know that this wasn't going to be mindless gore, hence the italics gave away it was a nightmare. And everything will be explained in later chapters. I will look into the dotted lines... damn, and I thought I had it right. And the noun infestation. I tried to fix that but it seemed... off when I did so. Like it made the story less of what it could be. It is quite hard to explain. Thanks for the review!
I think for being a dream sequence, you could have gone a lot further with the description. If there's something that's really horrifying Pinkie, don't be afraid to go into the tiny disgusting details. That's the fun about horrific scenes like this, it's not out of place to go into lots of description. I realize that you don't like gore, but for a scene like this it's a necessary evil. To help, you don't have to describe the imagine directly but use similes to describe what Pinkie sees. Maybe she sees Twilight's burning skin and thinks it looks like a pan of blacked sugar on the stove that still seethes and spits. For a scene that needs both visual and audio description, you can even use alliteration to create a sense of unease without directly describing it. Hard sounds and hissing sounds would probably work best, especially if you're creating a hostile situation.
As for when you break from the dream sequence, I think putting "In Pinkie's Bedroom" is a little unneeded. If she's waking up from a nightmare, we assume she's in her own bed unless you state otherwise. You even state that it's her room three sentences down, so it's safe to say there will be no confusion about the setting.
I am interested in seeing where this is going, but the dream sequence is making me think this is leaning in a more Cupcakes direction. I'm not sure if that's what you're going for or not, but that's the feel I got from the dream sequence. I wonder where Pinkie is going to go from here. I realize she's the kind of pony who would rather solve everyone else's problems than let a single pony be troubled by her problems, but with things getting this bad (and it has been going on for months) it makes me wonder if she'll go to somepony for help.
2684561 NO cupcakes scenario here. She is the actual victim here. And... I'll try with the gore.
And thanks for the favorite!
I'm going further into the mysteries of your story, but for now, I felt like pointing out that your description needed to be less localized onto the storyline and more generalized onto the ideas you were going on when you first started writing the story. You need to learn to reserve information a little more, and strive to surprise the reader whenever you can if you're going to maintain his interest.
Really loved the Poe excerpt.
" She just stood there, a couple inches away from the glass, accusing Pinkie of killing her."
...What?
Just a little sudden, is all...
-after I skimmed over the rest of it-
Yeah... this could use a little more work. Some self-critique wouldn't hurt. Put yourself in the reader's shoes. Picture his train of thought as he goes through your story. What's he going to understand...
Also, a friendly advice, spare the help from the more well-known authors until you've managed something at least somewhat impressive for the reader (the Poe excerpt was out of place)
2685177 I'll take this into account. And thanks for the constructive criticism.
2685177 I would assume the reader would understand that it is a nightmare and is a puzzle that needs to be solved. Future chapters will do this. Stay tuned, if you want, and you'll see that they will explain everything. Mostly everything. Also, I must disagree with you good sir. The Poe quote fit perfectly.
welp, im offically freaked out, and part of me does not want to read on :x... Pinkie... she's not demented... she's.... supposedto be lonely... why does every one write creepy Pinkies? :/
2686522 Don't worry, she won't become a psycopath. She is the actual victim here.
2686557 but everyone makes her insane in 'Pinkamena' mode... or scared of some unknown thing that turns out to be her own fears.
I can see where ur heading, but I wouldn't emphasise so much on the gore and freaks. Give us more internal conflicts. It's always good for these kind of stories, just like 'Too Many Pinkies'.
2686938 There is an actual villian here. Hence the dark spirit in the desc.
The few bad thoughts-I have only a few dislikes about this story. The fact you slipped the sweet Apple bloom in, it was just bucking horrifying it made me want to.
Then the totally gruesome details like Spike's mangled legs were just a little too creepy for me, but I still read the rest of it word for word. The thing I hatted the most was the Twilight bit I mean I know this was suppose to be a horror and think this is the second most horrifying story I've ever read the first being Cupcakes. But that is al I found wrong with it but none the less it was now that I think about it this was more telling you that I am a wimp.
Note-I might have wrote a gore story, but holy shit this was insane, not even I would write this. Yeah, I often dislike horror stories but it depends on my mood.
2687618 I don't like gore. It freaks me out. It was a serious trial to actually do any type of gore in here.
Starting to work on, Chapter 1: A Cause For Concern! Wish me luck!
Although, I won't start it until Monday. I am visiting relatives this weekend.
2689541
Can't wait. =D
Two hooves up for your story!
I will check out the other chapters too.