A heavily wounded and bloody colt is taken in by the gentle and loving Fluttershy. But suffering from years of running from monsters, and living on his own in the wild, can she curb the intense fear that is pent up inside him, or will he be consumed by his nightmares?
Please don't be afraid to comment. I can take criticism. Suggestions are always nice too :)
Before i start writing chapter 3, im doing a complete and utter overhaul of editing on chapters 1 and 2 (If youd like to help just ask plze :) ) It might take a while too.
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ive not even read this yet and already i can see you have a giant WORD-WALL problem. take this down and post it again when you have separated your paragraphs. i know its a pain but it yields WAY better results
Edit: Rustwing: lol i just noticed the HUGE wall of text.... i honestly didnt think i typed that much. I separated it into what i hope are coherant thoughts, and hopefully that improves its overall readability.
I will try and work on chapter one after work today, and hopefully by late tomarrow i will have published the editing draft for that chapter.
I noticed a few errors.
Malice means to wish or have the desire to cause harm. Hate is the emotion behind malice.
Spelling error
At this point he has no knowledge of the pony in the room. While the readers may already know the "colt" shouldn't know.
(Purely my opinion) I would think it would take a little bit more effort to calm an angry/frightened colt. The whole scene where the colt starts bawling like a baby is believable but I just feel it would take a bit more coaxing than what was given. Granted that Fluttershy is kindness incarnate, I would be more apt to believe that she would give him the offer to say in the next chapter when he wakes up again and Shy has time to mull the fact that he's an orphan.
Also I've been told this multiple time myself. When two characters are speaking, keep their dialog on separate lines. It makes it easier to see who is talking.
*looks at the list of obvious errors , then looks at my joint I just lit.* * PUTS THE WEED DOWN*. Omg thnx for the help guys. Fixing problems as we speak. Oh and in my brain I was tossing around the idea of maybe having shadow spill his life's story...... Watcha think?
Edit: Errors corrected (I hope) again thanks for pointing those problems out. Settled on a sappy diary theme for letting Shy know shadow was orphaned..... A lot easier than adding a bunch of clunky dialog in my opinion.
So I reread the prologue just to confirm this but I don't see any place where Shadows race is (Earth, Pegasus or Unicorn) I also realize that if he is not a unicorn his power will need to be explained... If you go that route I could see twilight getting all sciencey trying to find an answer.
2684559 He is an earth pony. I thought that quite obvious by not mentioning wings or a horn... But i can see your confusion as he does display magical powers, and weird abilities. the reasons for his powers are explained in part 2 of the actual chapter one. I havent quite finished it though, and im trying to proofread it while writing it, so it may take a while. Youll just have to wait and see what happens lolz..
Again thnx for reading, and commenting.
2685078 Ah, I guess my confusion was simply because Fluttershy never mentioned that he was an earth pony.
I'll wait for the second part of chapter 1 with a hyperactive pink ball of sugar
2685113 Okay, so chaprter 1, part 2 is now done, and is in edit mode. Im sorry to say, his powers origins did not find their way into this part, but you should get a chuckle out of it for sure lolz. If any viewers have thoughts about this story, do not hesitate. make youself heard lol.
Is this turning into a Twi/Shy romance with Shadow as the spark that brings these two together and they raise him like two mother's would... Pinkie will have a field day with all the partying.
2699700 um.... Nope. The entire mane6 will come together to help take care of him, but he will stay with Fluttershy. I won't say anymore, so as to not ruin the surprise lol
2699806 I was just joking about that. But speaking of the mane 6 I have three word for you.
2699822 hmmm... You know what?.... Ur right. It wouldn't be in true mlp fashion to not have a party lol
Editing in prgress...... Will take a while... just keep checking back lolz.