Saint Parker
Joined 16th Jan, 2013 ·
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If this story has explicit content, change the rating from "everyone" to "mature" and add the sex tag.
2669796 Haha, thanks!
That was very good, great job!
2669818 Hey thanks! I did mess up a lot of times though lol.
2669826 Aside from grammar issues, it was good.
Sunk my claws into it, tore it apart and liked it. Good job.
It was great, keep up the great work!
It was great, keep up the great work!
Too many mistakes for me to get into. Better luck next time, mang.
I usually hate clopfics, but it's ones like this that I enjoy. I can only hope I'll find more like this.
Me like me like alot for the one reason I love the stories where you know there is a BIG chance of the mare getting pregnant. then again I liked the feels in the story to. If you want you can continue it.
Okay, this needs some work. There are some serious issues here.
Aside from the usual misplaced word, for example; "strait" where "straight" should be, as well as a poor choice of wording in some places, particularly "bowels", which would normally be rererring to anal in this context. I understand what you're trying to say but in this instance something else would have been a lot better suited.
You have an issue with not capitalizing the letter i where it is in the middle of a sentance and refering to oneself, then you use both ' and " to enclose speech. Either is acceptable (in different countries this can vary), but never both in the same story. Additionally, you seem to be having trouble with contractions, the one which jumps out is Iv'e instead of I've. When writing a contraction, the apostrophe is to note where the missing letters are, so you get "I have" = "I've", "have not" = "haven't", etc.
When writing numbers in a body of text, the convention is to write numbers smaller than 23 in writing rather than letters (five as opposed to 5). A LOT of stories slip up here so you're not alone, but it helps the flow when reading.
I'm not an expert and I don't profess to be one, so there's probably a lot more which I've missed that needs addressing.
I've seen much worse plots than this, although the very sudden transition from barely knowing each other to the main character's complete infatuation with Rainbow and visa-versa is extremely jarring. Possibly due to the effects of Dash's pheremones but it still doesn't read very well.
My best advice is to read a lot of the very highly rated pieces of fiction on this site to get a feel for flow of a romance if you're starting from scratch. For a one-shot clopfic you can cheat and use two people already in a sexual relationship (they can be a couple or fuck-buddies, it can be left ambiguous) to avoid this particular minefield.
The second best piece of advice is to proof-read your work multiple times leaving a long break between them to catch out errors, more ideally have a proof reader to go over everything.
Understand me when I mean no disresepect by my final piece of advice, but you might want to consider reading up on and practice writing English starting at a basic level and working your way up. There's no shame in being technically poor at writing (especially if you suffer from something like Dyslexia or if English is not your native language), but with a bit of practice you can improve dramatically. The guide to grammar reccommended by FimFiction is a godsend as well.
It might seem that I'm being a little harsh on your first story, but I see it is probably a good idea to point out the major technical issues before they become a force of habit. I, like yourself was told throughout my life that I was pretty good at writing. I also recognise that the last time I really wrote any fiction that I got feedback on before being an adult was when I was thirteen. I still have a lot of that material archived and it has not aged gracefully.
Writing is surprisingly hard work and the only way to really improve is to practice and put effort in, so don't be discouraged and keep trying.
That was pretty good. I think you are a great writer. As far as requests go, write something with Luna she's my favorite!!
I loved it!
I DEMAND A SEQUEL!
please more man!!!
I would love to see a sequel
Awesome
I'm gonna love it more if this happens to get a sequel
Pwease?
you should defenetly do more in the future
Totally awesome but the only mistake that instantly grabbed my attention was you saying she had Sapphire eyes. Rainbow has eyes that are the most beautiful rose color that can take the breath away from anyone that looks into them for to long. Other then that, very awesome and very well done.
Good job, not one of the best but that isnt to be expected is it? it would be awesome to see a sequel and see how their life is maybe after a few months.
Simple yet original. I LIKE IT. Some misused words and grammar stuff but other than that it was good! Last few sentences were rather corny though
Nice job man can't wait for sequel!
Judging by the fact of this being your first clopfic, and how good it was, you are a great writer. And, it's also cool you're a Missourian as well. Great work here, and I do hope for a sequel.
SEAQUAL PLEASE
2672498
I would personally recommend getting a hold of Microsoft Word if you have a computer that uses Windows. The built-in spellchecker could easily eliminate a lot of the more obvious grammar issues and catch all of the spelling mistakes for you. That's a good chunk of your job right there.
There are also groups here on Fimfiction that are solely dedicated to providing editors for authors like yourself that have issues with spelling and grammar.
is this a human x pony fic? because I don't see an human tag
2681869 No, the second person is a pegasus stallion.
Wow, This was actually better than anticipated. There were some minor, but annoying spelling errors ( Iv'e )
That leads me to a question. Do you have a proofreader?
If not, I could volunteer. I'm not the best at english, for it isn't my native language, but I'm a grammar Nazi, and will spot most errors.
I could also read through it and tell you some of the grammar and spelling errors, I don't seem to be too bad at that.
I saw that this was 2nd person and was like: I should go... I should totally go... and read this story!
You have just became one of my favorite writers
I'd love to see a sequelI DEMAND A SEQUEL2682121 Sure, i'f you would like to help me, i would love to send you what i have of the sequel so far!
2689611 Sequel? My body is ready.
sequel
Sequel! Nice job!
Not bad at all. Judging from the high amount of grammatical errors, I presume you may not be a native English speaker, but the story and spirit is definitely behind this story. The only way that you'll get better grammatically is with practice... So sequel maybe?
2715826 You can count on it!
That was great! The best I've read today (I've read quite a few)
Although I wouldn't like to see a sequel, but I would like to see you write another clopflic but with different characters and try to make the characters already be in a relationship. Or get into one before the fucking.
.
By the way
Great job!
But when did rd's eyes become sapphire?
Good work =)
Well that was an enjoyable story. Quite the number of grammatical errors in it though. If you are ever in need of an editor, I'd be happy to help out. I do hope you decide to write a sequel to this. I'll be looking forward to reading more by you in the future. Keep up the great writing!
I really enjoyed this. I know the relationship progressed at an incredibly fast pace but hey, We are talking about magical ponies here so anything can happen. Anyway great job on this
This was way too direct.
2672373
I was going to give some decent criticism but this comment states it better, but a sequel would be nice
looooovvvvvveeeeeddddd iiiiiiiitttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pls do more clop
writtings especially with rainbow dash pls?