In a post-apocalyptic landscape ravaged by natural disasters, a man returns to his hometown a year after ‘The Event’, having walked 2000 miles in search of the thing that matters most. He must traverse his wrecked hometown to discover the fate of his family. Whether they are living, dead or converted.
He is determined to finish the last of his 2000 mile journey; in one form or another.
Conversion Bureau tale set in the universe of I Am Alive
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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-*pony's
Use apostrophes to indicate possession.
- Confused subject group. When the humans fell, they beat up the pony? I think you need to replace the first "they" with "the pony".
- *Was
Above all else, stay consistent in your tense usage.
Also, be consistent in paragraph breaks, either double space and/or indent all paragraphs, or tick everyone off with text-walls.
- You're missing a period at the end of this sentence.
- You're already much further along in your skills than most people starting out. That's because you know the difference between "your" and "you're". Good job.
The machete-man encounter was too rushed, you should described the environment in detail before the character interacts with it. That means mentioning the crevice and the locked gate before the man appears. I'm lucky because I played "I Am Alive", not everyone else has.
- That needs to be a comma (,). For further details on writing proper dialogue, I recommend you read Ezn's Guide to Writing (Fan)Fiction.
It'd also help if you specified a pony's gender as soon as your character can reasonably determine gender, and as often as possible by their gender, rather than constantly referring to the pony as "them".
As for the idea, I think Celestia would allow humans into Equestria unless there was something blocking their entry that was beyond her control.That is my one complaint with the premise. Maybe you can have it explained at a later point that ponies need the numbers to get things working again. Maybe earth ponies in sufficient numbers reduce destructive seismic activity? More pegasi are needed to clear the dust in time, etc.
2658930
I made a quick few revisions. Thank you for pointing those things out. The fact that you have made comments on a lot of TCB works I’ve read speaks leaps and bounds about your commitment to exploring the concept.
I do have several hand wave explanations that I plan on lampshading as flimsy.
“We can’t afford to change our infrastructure to accommodate you.”
“But you can send large amounts of aid and ponies around the world?”
Or
“There are several endemic species in Equestria, we cannot have you destabilising the ecosystem.”
“I’m sorry; the possible loss of some pretty birds means far more than helping a sapient species. It isn’t like humanity caused the planet to turn hostile.”
If you want me to get into more solid reasons, feel free to PM me. I don’t want to be posting too many spoilers.
2660380 Lampshading will tide me over until the specific reasoning is revealed. I await to see what you do with the concept and show the nuances of the world.