• Member Since 30th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen February 1st

Leslichu


T

In an attack on Ponyville, The Shadow King Sombra very nearly strikes a killing blow on Rainbow Dash after a surprise attack gone wrong.

As the warrior Pinkie Pie charges forward with her companion Spike the Dragon at her side, Caramel takes a chance to save Rainbow Dash before its too late!!

A Caramel X Rainbow Dash story.
(A most under-appreciated pairing if I do say so myself)

Rated T for slight sexual content.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 22 )

This had both good and bad parts. The good was quite good, but the bad made me just want to thumb it down and close the window.

You did an excellent job with the comedy, and Caramel's inner monologue was hilarious. However, the whole LOL PINKEE BREAKZ DA FORTH WALL LOLOLOL SHE KNOWS SHE'S IN A FANFIC HUEHUEHUE is just incredibly stupid and it just sucks all the life out of the fic. It's just a cheap attempt at forced humour, and one you really didn't need, as you're quite good at being legitimately funny when you put some effort in. It just looks like you said 'Hmm, I need something for Pinkie to do, oh, I know, I'll have her break the fourth wall and everyone will laugh!'.

Also, it's not even slightly explained how Sombra fell. Like, at all. The Pinkie Sense doesn't cause things to happen, if that's what you're getting at. She doesn't get a twitchy tail so something's gonna fall, she gets a twitchy tail BECAUSE something's gonna fall. It's cause and effect, and her twitches are the effect. Again, that whole thing just looked like 'Eh, I can't think of something to do here, so I'll just have Pinkie do something random and it'll all get resolved because Pinkie'. There are two ways to write Pinkie. Either she's quirky and funny and silly, and maybe a little precognitive, but it's all contained in universe, or it's LOLOLOL PINKIE KNOWS TEH MEEMZ AND BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL ALL THE TIME AND IS OMNIPOTENT!!!111. One is the right way to write Pinkie, and one is the wrong way. I'll let you guess which is which.

This story deserved better than that, to be honest. You had a genuinely funny thing going, but you killed it by trying for cheap, fourth wall breaking laughs and what seemed to be you just throwing up your hands and banging your face on the keyboard until words came out. I KNOW you're better than this, the quality of the rest of the story proves it.

2641162 9/10 fair review

I thought it was good. And Pinkie Spike sounds fun.

Much as I love Spike Pie and I don't mind Rainbow Dash being paired with Carmel as well as Sombra meeting the Crystal Savior (a title I give to Spike once he saved the Crystal Empire with Cadence) this was just.....I'm not sure if it was supposed to be humor, random or very serious such as dark and tragic, a back ground should really be explained as to what the buck happened, even Pinkie Pie can get serious when she needs to but for this story I'd highly doubt she would just ignore everything in favor of a cake,....this was just....I don't know.

A story like this would do wonders as dark or tragic or even a full story, honestly a 7/10...still:facehoof:

2641162

Pretty solid criticism, duly noted and filed away!

2641226 I'm glad to help.

Honestly, I've seen far too many promising stories utterly ruined by the 'Pinkie-breaks-the-fourth-wall-and-starts-spouting-memes' trope.

I remember I once read a brilliant Magic: The Gathering crossover about Ditzy Doo, an in-depth and incredibly well written character story. It was great until about six chapters in, in which Pinkie started getting screen time. The author'd basically gone the route of HAHAHA PINKIE KNOWS ALL THE MEMES BECAUSE SHE'S THE MOST POWERFULLEST PLANESWALKER EVER AND SHE'S ALSO LIKE A BILLION SO SHE'S WAY BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE EVER, thus completely 1. invalidating exactly what made her character special and 2. taking away any pretense of seriousness from the story, and 3. utterly killed the story for me.

I just do my best to warn promising authors how this sort of thing can completely ruin a story for a lot of people.

Good luck in future endeavors!

"She's got some junk in her trunk," Spike thought. :moustache:

Uh wouldn't Caramel need that cloud walking spell? Pretty silly, but the entertaining kind of silly.

2641252






I just got a brilliant idea.

Shits happening brewsky, shits happening :raritywink:

2641305 I look forward to it :twilightsmile:

La Barata's criticism is quite solid, but I don't think the story itself merits quite that big a response. It looks to me like this was just an excuse to write some random action-comedy and pair a few characters. And being a talented writer, you couldn't necessarily allow even a cranked-out oneshot be anything less than decently-written.

I loved the Pinkie Spike. It's been a while since I've read any satisfying, in-character Pinkie Spike.

2641277 That's part of Rainbow's plan. If Caramel doesn't get her first hint, he will when he finds out that the only surface in her house he won't fall through is her bed.

2641457

What I got from the criticism from La Barata seems to be that Pinkie Pie's fourth wall gag seemed cheap and overdone by authors. That's a pretty fair opinion!

Bbbbbuuuuutttttttttt......................how's about we run with that?:pinkiehappy:?

I just had the best idea for the PinkieXSpike pairing I planned on writing. Being cheap can be tasteful if I can do it just right, and I don't think I'm quite finished picking on Dash fans :raritywink:

Cute concept but very confusing in a few spots. Namely the Pinkie Sense thing. The idea that Pinkie wouldn't be focused on her friends when Sombra is attacking feels really OOC and also there's no explanation as to how his magic cuts out. Pinkie sense hasn't been shown to trigger events, merely to predict them and in this you suggest Pinkie causes it. Still a thumbs up but no fave here.

If I may ask, why do you say this pairing is under appreciated?

2648389

Wwwwweeeelllll it's that I don't believe I've seen enough of it you know? I'm kind of big on the whole opposites attract thing in straight shipping (like Big Mac and Pinkie for example, LOVE IT!!!)

Personally I think Caramel being clumsy and having low self confidence would benefit greatly from a character who is the exact opposite. But I haven't seen any other fics shipping these two, at least that I know of.

2649002 Please write more of these :pinkiehappy::heart:

2649010

Don't worry!
I had a guy comment earlier about how he thought the Pinkie 4th Wall thing was cheap ssssssooooo I've decided to make it into a running gag of sorts for the sequel to this.

Rainbow and Caramel will be a part of the story, serving as a gag of their own while the story itself will focus on Pinkie Pie and Spike. I'll be sure to post it in the Straight Ship group!

2649040 Ooooh PinkieSpike, me like.

2649047

Me too, I'd say its my absolute favorite character to ship with Spike besides Fluttershy

what does caramellook like? oh and awesome story:rainbowdetermined2:

:rainbowhuh: Well, I was expecting Flower Power, but I guess this is close enough...

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!