Chapter 3 – The End of a Very Long Day
My frantic outburst causes the party go completely silence as everypony turns their attention towards the source. This gives me a chance to spot a clearing, and I dart to the bathroom upstairs. I rush as fast as my newly transformed legs could allow to the vacant bathroom and shut the door behind me.
Once I closed the door, I was barely able to hear Pinkie Pie outside giggling, “Awwwww! He must be so happy, he could hardly contain himself!” From hearing that embarrassing comment, I actually begin to feel Nature calling. And since I’m in the bathroom already, I might as well make good use of it.
After relieving myself (though it did take a while to figure out how I was supposed to position myself on the toilet with this new body of mine), I walk to the sink to wash my fore hooves. After that, I instinctively splash some warm water on my face, though I wasn’t sure how that was supposed to help out in my current situation. From there, I just look into the mirror, staring at myself as I try to make sense on all of this.
“Okay, Ford.” I talk to myself as if it will help me get to calm down. “Get it together now. This is all probably just another dream. Yeah, that’s it. You’ll wake up eventually, and everything will go back to normal just like the way it was before.”
After I calmed down a bit, I take a look down below to see my hind hooves while my fore hooves rest on the sink’s counter. I look back at the mirror, close my eyes tightly, clap my hind hooves three times, and whisper those five magical words over and over again.
“There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”
I open my eyes and saw nothing has changed what’s so ever. I’m still stuck as a Pegasus Pony with worthless wings and an empty flank for my missing Cutie Mark.
“I wonder if Rarity might have a pair of magical ruby slippers I can borrow.” I muse to myself.
As I angst about my unknown fate, a soft knock on the door shakes me from my trance.
“Ford.” Rainbow Dash says sweetly. “Are you okay in there?”
I sigh and begin to speak up, “To be perfectly honest… NO! I am not okay! I have a pair of useless wings, which I don’t even know how to use properly, I’m practically the only grown-up pony who doesn’t have a Cutie Mark to showoff on what my calling in life is, I don’t know how got here in the first place, or why I got here for that matter! And to sum it all up, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM SUPPOSE TO BE ANYMORE!!”
I slump on the floor and curl myself into a ball as I try so desperately to fight off the tears that are leaking from my eyes. “I just don’t know anymore.” I whimper softly.
I continue sob for awhile, not realizing that the door is swinging open. Without even looking up, I feel the soft, warm embrace of Rainbow Dash as she wraps her strong, angelic wing around me. I immediately return the gesture and hold her tightly while she rests her head on top of mine. Her smooth coat and gentle feathers feel so nice and soothing as they gave me the sense of comfort I needed to vanquish away the sorrow that has been eating away my aching heart. No words were needed for this tendered, caring moment we were having.
After a while, we slowly begin to break up the hug, and Rainbow asks me with a comforting smile, “Better?”
I wipe what’s left of my tears and smile back at her. “Much better. Thank you.”
“Come on!” She leads me out of the bathroom. “This welcome party can’t get officially started without its guest of honor!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And so the party commenced. Surprisingly, ponies cheer for my return as Pinkie Pie starts bawling over something about how she thought she did something wrong to make me that upset. I reassure Pinkie that everything was fine, and that I was just really surprised on having such a massive party all dedicated to me. Pinkie stated matter-of-factly that was the point of a surprise welcome party.
After a good laugh we shared, Rainbow and Pinkie introduce me to their other three good friends: Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy. After introductions, I got a nice conversation from each of the three friends. Fluttershy tells me a lot about some of her animal friends, which I would love to meet them so that I can hopefully get to pet them. Rarity and I share an understanding and appreciate of the arts, though we each have different distinctions of course. And Applejack explains to me the prospects of being an apple farmer.
AJ even introduces me some of her home-cooked treats and her world-famous apple cider she brought to the party. I anticipatively sample the foamy, golden cider, and without a doubt, it was the best cider I have ever had! Ever! The cool, refreshing taste filled my taste buds with the perfect blend of sweetness and sourness of the finest apples that was ever picked off of the orchard. It was like drinking the most mouth-watering apple right through a straw. Truly, this beverage was the nectar of the gods! After quenching my thirst, I enjoy some of Applejack’s treats. All of them made with apples, and all of them bursting with deliciously intense flavors.
Once I was recharged from all of that delicious food and drink I was partaking in, the music begins to crank up as ponies begin to dance the night away. I was reluctant to join in the fray since I don’t do well when it comes to dancing, but Rainbow Dash wouldn't have it as she grabs my hooves to pull me onto the dance floor. I'm not sure what to do, so Rainbow shows me some moves to follow along. I start out slow, then I begin to pick up the pace, and finally I let myself go into the rhythmic beat and let the music take control. I’ve become so happy, that all of my cares and worries I’ve held on to for so long begin to drift away.
“Wow! Glad to see you’re finally having such a good time!” An unknown, yet familiar female voice says behind me. “Makes me a bit shameful on how I handled my own welcome party the first time I arrived here!”
I stop dancing and turn my head around to see who it was. There she is! The very pony I been searching for who might holds the answers I seek! In all of her glory with her expanded wings, well-cared mane, and a golden crown sharing the same symbol as her Cutie Mark: Princess Twilight Sparkle!
“Princess Twilight!” I announce frantically as I bow to the floor immediately. “It is such an honor to finally meet you!”
“Arise, my fellow pony!” she wave with such gentle authority as I get myself back. “Te-hee! Oh, how I’ve wanted to say that all day!” she squeals in delight. I chuckle mentally at this change of cute expressions.
“Anyway, Mr. Mustang, I have been informed by Rainbow Dash that you are in need of my assistance.” she states after regaining her composure.
“Oh yes!” I exclaim joyfully. “Very much so! I really do need your help! But if you don’t mind, can we talk about this more privately?” I ask sheepishly.
“Of course. Just stay still for one second.” She closes her eyes gently as horn begins to glow brightly. And in a split second…
ZAP!
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A flash of light briefly blinds me before it immediately fades away.
“Who?! Huh?! What?! Where?!” I panicked while turning my head all around to see where I was at this time.
“Sorry for the teleportation spell.” Twilight says warmly. “I figure that this is the best place to discuss our matters in private.”
I finally settled down, and got a better look at where I was taken. It looks like a luxurious bedroom that you can only find at suites or castles. And seeing how some of the décor bear the same symbol as Princess Twilight’s Cutie Mark, this place must be her own chambers. We’re probably in Canterlot’s royal castle right now. And by looking at how dim the room is as well as by looking out of the window, it’s the start of nightfall right now.
“Please, have a seat.” Twilight gestures over to the tea table where plump cushions were lay across from each side. She leads me to the table where we each take our seat on soft, cushiony pillow mats. Using her magic, she levitates a tea pot to pour some tea into our cups. She then floats one cup to my side of the table. I carefully grip the delicate chinaware with my stubby hooves and manage to get a sip out of the tea cup.
“Mmmm. Thank you, Princess. This is quite excellent.” I compliment after enjoying the refreshing herbal tea.
“Please, call me Twilight.” she says with a nice smile. “Now then…” She takes a sip of her tea before continuing. “Please tell me on how I may help you.”
I have to be careful on what I am about to say. But if I’m going to get Twilight’s help, I have to be honest about how I got here and where I come from. I can’t reveal anything about how there’s an animated TV show that’s based off of this world and its inhabitants. I don’t even know if there’s a connection between something that is fiction in my world and something that encompasses their entire reality in their world. The very truth about it might be earth-shattering and could have major consequences. I take a deep breath and begin my story.
“Twilight, have you ever heard about humans before?” I start off hesitantly.
“Only through legends.” the alicorn princess answers with a puzzled look. “But there are no historical records regarding with that race.”
“Well the truth is, I’m really a human. Or, at least I was a human.”
“Interesting.” Twilight says with peaked curiousity. “Please continue.”
“Well, I don’t know how, but in my world, I was mysteriously transported by a golden light of fire and ended up here in your world. And not only that, but that golden light must have transformed me into the Pegasus that you see right in front of you. I know it’s hard to believe in all of this.”
“Oh, I think there’s some evidence to prove that your story isn’t as hard to believe as you might think it is.” she responds.
“What do you mean, Twilight?” I ask humbly.
“The way you grip your tea cup. It’s obvious that you are having trouble with your hooves; therefore it is most likely that you are not use to your new body as a pony. And the lack of a Cutie Mark on your flank. There might have been some late bloomers for colts and fillies to earn their Cutie Marks, but everypony at your estimated age has already established their own Cutie Marks by that point. And one last important thing…”
“What?”
“You seem too kind and gentle of a pony to make up a story like that.” She says warmly with a gentle smile. I blush a little from hearing her saying that.
“Now, tell me more about your homeworld.” She levitates a scroll of paper and a quill pen. “The more specific details you give me, the easier it should be for me to find you a way back home.”
I give as much detail as I could about my world as Twilight lists them down. I made sure to have keywords be listed down such as Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, Solar System, Unites States of America, etc.
As we were finishing up the list, the princess asks, “Is there anything else you would like to tell me before we finish this up?”
I paused for a moment, wondering if I should tell her about the “My Little Pony” show. Then I simply say, “Nope, that’s all I can think of.”
“Very good.” Twilight nods as she rolls up her scroll. “I shall consult with the other princesses and see what I can do to get you back home.” She then magically vanquishes her scroll and pen into an unknown location.
“Thank you!” I lightly bow to her. “Thank you so very much!” I want to kiss her feet right then and there to express my eternal gratitude to her, but I’m sure she wouldn’t be comfortable with that.
“Umm… forgive me if I ask you this.” I inquire sheepishly. “But how long do you suppose it will take before I can get back home?”
“Well…” she says hesitantly as she gives it some deep thought on my question. “If I have to guess, I would have to say at least… six months.”
“SIX MONTHS?!” I shout fearfully.
“I’m very sorry, Ford!” Twilight apologizes sheepishly. “But considering how complex my schedule as a princess is as well as taking the time to locate a new world that even Princess Celestia doesn’t know about, six months is the best that I can offer!”
“Oh no! I’m terribly sorry, Twilight!” I immediately apologize back for being so rude like that. “I’m just… a bit shocked that it will take me so long to finally get back home. Please forgive me. I should be more grateful for all that you have done for me.”
It’s not that I can’t manage myself as a pony for an entire six months. The problem I fear the most is how my family will react to my sudden disappearance. I can only imagine all the heartbreak and devastating emotions they will have to be going through right now, such as searching for my body and to finally accept the hard truth about my untimely death before they can arrange my funeral. I really want to tell my mom and dad that I’m perfectly fine despite my current predicament, but that is way beyond my grasp as of this point.
“In any case…” Twilight rises from her seat as I follow suit as well. “We should get back to your party. I’m sure Pinkie Pie won’t be happy if you haven’t partaken in any of her traditional party games.”
“Wait!” I interrupt before we can make our departure. “Please don’t tell anypony about this! Especially about the part on how I’m actually a human! I really don’t want to over-complicate things with the rest of your friends!”
“Don’t worry.” Twilight smiles warmly as she rests a hoof on my shoulder. “I’ll take care of everything.”
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Once Princess Twilight and I teleport back to the library, we continue the party with some party games and more dancing. Eventually, it starts to get late and many ponies begin to take their leave. As ponies exit the library, Twilight and I gather around with the rest of the Mane Six in order to discuss what I should do next. Twilight basically tells her friends on how I will be staying in Ponyville for a very long time.
“And so you see…” Twilight finishes her statement. “We need to find a place for our new friend, Ford Mustang, to stay before I can find a way to not only send him back home, but to also recover some of his lost memories.”
“Oh oh!” Rainbow Dash waves her hoof excitedly. “He can crash at my place! You’re gonna love it, Ford!” She squeals in delight as she pulls me closer to her. “My place is like a castle in the sky! This is gonna be SO AWESOME!”
“Umm… Rainbow Dash?” I respond shamefully. I only need to showcase my poor wings to her, and she immediately knows I am about to say.
“Oh right. You still can’t fly yet, huh? Sorry.” she said sheepishly as she rubs the back of her head with her fore hoof.
“Well, if Ford doesn’t mind…” Applejack intervenes humbly. “My family might have a spare bedroom that he can use.”
“Will you be serving more of that delicious food over there?” I ask childishly.
“Darn tootin’!” Applejack states proudly. “For starters, we always have a hearty breakfast to help us get through our morning chores. Our breakfast usually includes some of our favorites like apple butter, apple cinnamon rolls, applesauce muffins packed with juicy berries, apple caramel pancakes topped with maple syrup, and of course, you can’t start a day without having some of our good-old fashioned, freshly ripe apples!” As she went down the list on all the tasty items, my mouth begins to water for what is to come by tomorrow morning. And that was enough to make my decision on housing.
“Okay, it’s decided! I’m staying at Applejack’s place! Come on! Let’s go!” I say eagerly with most haste, as I playfully shove Applejack to lead the way. She chuckles at the notion and begins to lead me out of the library. As we were leaving, I hear a slight disappointing groan coming from Rainbow Dash. I start to feel really bad from reacting to AJ’s invitation like that after Rainbow Dash was the first one to welcome me into her own home. I need to make it up to her.
“Uh… Applejack? I’ll meet you outside for a bit. There’s something I have to take care of first.” AJ nodded as she and the others leave the library, leaving the empty main floor to just me and Rainbow Dash.
“So… I guess I’ll see you around tomorrow, right?” she starts off awkwardly.
“Yeah, of course.” I respond with an awkward smile. I can still see some of the disappointment in her eyes even though she’s avoiding eye contact with me. I need to set things right for all that she has done for me.
“Rainbow?” I ask her gently.
“Yes?” she turns her attention back towards me. I become a bit hesitant on what I’m about to do next during that brief silence, but I push those doubts aside and just go with it. I rush towards Rainbow Dash and give her the biggest hug that I can offer to her. I can tell just how surprised she was by feeling how tensed her body was, but eventually, her body relaxes as she hugs me back.
“Thank you.” I say to her softly. “For everything. I not only had a great time here in Ponyville because of you, but I am also truly grateful to have a friend like you for being there when I need it the most.”
We break the hug as we look into each other’s eyes, sharing the same warm smile from that moment. “Even if I’m just a flightless Pegasus without a Cutie Mark to begin with.” I chuckle.
“Well don’t sell yourself too short just yet.” Rainbow Dash says with a cocky grin. “Especially when I’ve got plans in store for you.”
“Plans?” I repeat with a startled expression.
“Well you didn’t expect to be grounded forever, do you?” Rainbow Dash continues. “Starting tomorrow, you and I are going to start off some serious training if you ever want to see those winged beauties in action again!” She points at my delicate wings. “So prepare yourself, Mr. Mustang, ‘cause I’m not going to go easy on you!”
“Heh, I’m always up for a good challenge when it presents itself.” I respond with an eager and slightly cocky grin.
“Good!” she says with satisfaction as we walk out of the library. “I’ve got some weather pony duties to take care of tomorrow morning, so I’ve stop by on the farm afterwards and we can begin your training as soon as possible.”
“Great! I’ll look forward to it.”
“Awesome! Get lots of sleep now!” Rainbow begins to take flight. “Tomorrow is going to be a big day!” She waves goodbye as she disappears into the nightly, purple sky. I wave goodbye as well as her rainbow trail slowly vanishes away.
“Yeah…. tomorrow is certainly going to be a big day.” I mutter to myself as I continue to stare out into space.
A guy named after a car? really?
Is this one of those fics where the author plays out his fantasies? Coz I'm sick of those
>Pretty obvious self-insert
>Main character has amnesia (I'll take "plot devices so overused that they make me cry" for 200, Alex)
>HiE romance fic (Same category, 400, Alex)
>Brony in Equestria (You get the point)
>Main character doesn't seem to care about getting home, or about staying long-term as a pony (Can anyone say: plotholes?)
>Main character has the typical "Oh woe is me! My life is meaningless and agonizing! Lets go to Equestria to make it all better!" (...)
>Using caps lock instead of italics. (Real writers do this. It makes it look cleaner)
>Grammar
I like your writing style, but this story is reeking like a dead fish of Self-Insert/HiE/HiE Romance story. This style has been so badly beaten that it's painful to read any more of them. Sit back, take a long look at your story, and decide if you want to continue or create an original, non-beaten-to-death plot. If you stay on course here however, this story has a significant chance of ending up in the slop heap.
Just review, get a beta reader, find a good idea that you can flesh out and go for it.
2644176 A self insert with a guy named after a car...
...Yeah, sounds familiar.
more!
2644220 He doesn't have amnesia, he's faking it to maintain cover and avoid questions.
As for originality I'll give you that, but unoriginal doesn't equal bad. And besides that, at this point he's still setting Ford in Ponyvillie. Where it goes from there is the question.
Worth reading so far.
2644341 you… I follow you. It is odd seeing you here. (Yes you are NEVER allowed to read other people's fics)
dam this is good
Ok, since I dislike people who dislike a story and don't leave feedback, here's your feed-back:
- Self-Insert
- Brony in Equestria
- Character is a whiny little... you get the point
- Mane 6 characters act OOC FAR too much for me to ignore
- Character is unfazed by becoming a pony
- Character shows limited range of emotions
- Rainbow Dash becomes best friend for no apparent reason
- Character can immediately use all functions as a pony except for flight
- Character is a Gary Stu
3449634 I may have forgotten, but what does OOC mean?
2644220
personally, I don't like stories when the main character reveals himself to be human so quickly.
you're complaining about 6 months... 6 months? Son, in case you don't know ya may NEVER go back! A bit dickish but hey, it's not everyday you triangulate the location of a planet in a galaxy,... and universe that is like countless light-years away. ut I will forgive ye... only because I know Rainbow Dash is going to tear you a new one when she puts you through training so have fun with that bro
3462571 out of character
3449634 he cannot use flight, so that is a challenge that is not automatically fixed when he feels like it. He has to work for it. It will be character development. Therefore: he is not a Gary Stu
3449634 Uh... just a question, but, how do you know if it is a self-insert?
to
3473615 It's a meta story: the author wants to actually go into Equestria, so s/he made a story about him/her (the author) going. It's a(n) (un)suprizingly widely used theme.
Ignore all these dislikes 'cause Haters keep on hatin' while you keep on rockin'.
3449634
And that is just the way i like it :)
I can relate to some of the feelings of Ford very well.
For some reason, I read this as Applejack's teats.
Oh, boy.... Halfway through this chapter and now I cannot continue.
First of all, besides a few cheap laughs, you've failed to really write a good 'hook' that makes your story unique. Some authors (like myself on most of my stories) will use a pre-existing universe and blend it, like a cross over. Others will invent something out of whole cloth or mix and match their own ideas based off of a pre-existing universe or a real-life idea. (Like my story De Pinnam, where the idea was generated by Maximum Ride)
You are just using the HiE transformation hook, which is far over-used and not unique enough. Your character is another problem. He's two-dimensional, with a thought pattern not unlike watchign a bee flit from flower to flower. There's not much logical leaps behind his motives, and his motives aren't very clear.
It's the difference between telling the reader
a man killed another,
vs.
A man killed a murderer to avenge his family.
It's as if there is some puppet master holding the strings of your character, forcing them to do jerky, only plot-related movements, instead of having the plot revolve around the characters choices. As for the narration, you constantly switch tenses, going from past to present and back like a rabbit in a Delorean.
And don't get me started on the other characters. Every single one is OOC (save for Pinkie. I don't think it's possible to write her OOC unless you intentionally do it), and they hold most of the hated and made-fun of tropes for HiE's. RD seems 'attracted' to the protagonist, and instantly is his BFF, Twilight automatically believes him and calls him 'too nice of a pony' to lie, even though she's known him for, like, five minutes.
I was willing to give your story a chance, but this.....
Sorry, I just cannot continue past this point. I would suggest re-reading what you've written so far and editing it/semi-re-writing it, enough so that you can still hold the later plot (if that is your wish) yet still change the beginning to make it a stronger work.
Right now, this writing is weak. Very weak.
Something he's forgetting is that given that he's in a different culture they could have entirely different names for things. The Milky Way Galaxy could be called 'The Drain' instead, or 'Whirlpool'. He should be describing what our solar system looks like. That would be useful information. What if she sent him to a galaxy that they call Milky Way, but only because the majority of the stars in it are white and it's clouded by white-colored nebulae? Even if he does give that information, there are dozens of spiral galaxies. If he's ended up in another one then he's screwed.
I don't know why people are shitting on you because you named you crafter after a car I like it. but if it was me my name would be Cadillac De Eldorado.
4271114 that is the legit full name? Well the De Eldorado part
Alright, so he was a human before (you know, doesn't have wings?) yet he cares that he can't fly, and that he doesn't have a cutie mark? I'm sorry, but I can't read any more of this. I'm done. I honestly tried to like this story but it just isn't to my tastes.
All right.
So so far, this story is good.
But if this becomes a cliche and Ford becomes a "Similar character" Trait.
Then I am gone.
I tried to give this story a chance, honestly I did. I read three chapters of it just to be fair. Unfortunately, I'm going to stop right here. roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/kind-of-yall.png
The whole thing is basically a massive nugget of self-insert/fantasy fulfillment coated in a thick layer of BiE/HiE clichés, slapped into an oven, and baked several times over until well-done. Sorry man, but there really isn't anything very original about this story that draws my attention. It needs a better hook, and more dynamic characterization. And while slightly more minor, you should consider editing the story a bit more carefully. I noticed quite a few tense inconsistencies.
Good luck with the rest of your stories.
-Enc
Dat's cute. :3
double negative. Try "Rainbow Dash wouldn't have it"
my markup, again, should be self-explanatory.
that last one to go a few different ways, so I didn't apply any markup. Vanish? Maybe use the word "to" instead of "into"?
wait a minute, who is who?
Me: hey rainbow dash Imma hoop your nose. *boop*
Rainbow dash: you son of a bitch. *starts chasing me*
Me: I'll have you know my mother was not a dog.
A bit grey on the fact Twilight takes what he says in stride. Be a bit more creditble if Celestia had world hopped and told Twilight.
2644176
He fanboys too much, it's ruining the story
Ughhhhh Buck you! I literally just ate and you made me hungry again!
Is it past tense or present? Is it "sample...is the best" or "sampled...was the best"?
A really good decision. I prefer it that way.
Whoa Twilight, we just met and you're already taking me to your bedroom?
Twilight is extremely calm towards Ford.
6514597
And now you've made me hungry.
Also, Sylveon is best. All hail queen Sylveon, who kills gods in one swift move.
If you can’t tell, I had a Sylveon that became godlike in power. I couldn’t use her to capture any legendarys because she/he (I don’t remember, it was forever ago) would kill them all in one shot. I miss her. I don’t remember ever naming her either, so she was just Sylveon. Bow to the God Queen, for she is your judgement.