Chapter 1 – When You Wish Upon a Star…
Sigh… God, I’m so lonely.
I may not give up on life so easily, but it still hurts from having to go through the same motions over and over again: some cute girl talks to me, I talk to her, I develop an attraction for her, and at some point I try asking her out and she tells me that she’s already with someone. Lather, rinse, and repeat.
As I walk around for a bit to get some fresh air in the quiet night, I keep thinking to myself, What’s wrong with me? What is it that makes me so unappealing to the opposite sex? Is it because that I’m a post-graduate that’s stuck at a dead-end job until I finally get a more profitable job? Or is it because that despite maintaining a well-mannered, healthier life style, I still have this slightly pudgy gut that sticks out like a sore thumb every time I look at myself in the mirror? Or is it because I’m a struggling artist who’s a huge nostalgic nerd when it comes to movies, video games, and cartoon shows, especially in the latest craze, “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”?
…Yeah, I’m probably leaning more towards that last one.
I don’t admit this to anyone, but I love that show! I enjoy the well-developed characters, the brilliantly written stories, and the immeasurable amount of fan service it provides. I myself have created some parody comics based off the show, which has earned some praise among the Brony community. But other than enjoying some good fanart, I also like to read some good fanfiction too, especially the romantic ones.
What can I say? I’m a sucker for romance! I don’t see it weird for two female ponies (anthromorphic, human, or otherwise) to have a romantic relationship. I think it’s beautiful (and sexy sometimes) for some of my favorite shipping pairs to go through these incredible journeys as they discover life lessons, hardships, and ultimately, love. And I envy these fanmade fantasies because as I have realized long ago, life isn’t always a fairy tale. Still, it doesn’t hurt to believe in them sometimes, right?
Anyway, I stop to take a moment to look up at that nightly, starry sky. Wow. You don’t see that many stars on a clear night like this. As I gaze upon them, I notice one star bigger than the rest and giving off some kind of golden radiance. Wonder if that’s some kind of a wishing star? No, that’s ridiculous. I’m too old to believe in stuff like that. And yet, I can’t help but become so entrance by that glimmering beacon of hope.
With a quick turnaround to make sure no one was looking, I hold my hands together just as I would when I’m praying, look up to that shimmering star, and whisper:
“Please, let me have a chance to find true happiness for myself.”
As if on cue, the star begins to glow brightly as if it just heard my wish. In fact, it looks like it’s getting bigger… and coming closer to me at an incredible rate.
… I think I should start running right now.
But before I finally decide to run, the shooting star engulfs me in a barrier of golden fire! It felt hot, but strangely enough, it was soothing, and it wasn’t burning me at all. All of a sudden, I’m lifted off the ground and the mysterious flames intensify into a blinding, white light! I panic and try to move, but my body is paralyzed as it begins to disappear from the blinding illumination!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!
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Ugh… where am I?
I remember a bright light swallowing me whole, and now I’m on the ground just waking up very weakly. My eyes begin to adjust themselves as I try to look around of my surroundings: a dark and somewhat creepy forest with lots of strange foliage I have never seen before.
As I try to get up, I begin to scratch my hair. Strange. I can’t feel my hand that much. Even with my other hand on the grassy ground, I can’t feel much of that either. It’s as if I don’t have any fingers what’s so ever. I look at the hand I was scratching with and made a terrible discovery: I really don’t have any fingers at all.
None.
Not a single digit on them.
…
“AAAAAAAAHHHH!! WHERE DID MY FINGERS GO?!”
And it wasn’t just the lack of fingers that startled me, but also that my pale Caucasian skin is replaced with smooth fur in a light bluish color. Still, I continue to panic over my missing appendages. I mean, to an artist like me, fingers are just as essential as his eyes!
As the horror of never seeing my hands ever again begin to grow, I immediately stand up from where I was sitting. But then, I suddenly lose my balance quickly and plop back on the ground. As if things couldn’t get any weirder and more frightening, I not only see that my feet are lacking their respective appendages, but I also notice a long, blue tail right between my legs.
During my panic attack, I begin to hear rushing water. I frantically look around for the source of the sound. If there is water, maybe there is a place where I can look at myself to see what I have become. I have to know the truth on what I have become. As luck would have it, there was a creek right beside me. Since I can’t walk in this state, I crawl on all four limbs to finally get a look at myself. At long last, I finally find out on what was happening to me: I have now become a pony. And not just like the actual ponies back on Earth, but a pony just like the ones from the cartoon show, “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”.
Staring at that reflection, I get a better look at the mysterious pony before me: a tall stallion with turquoise eyes and the same lightly bluish coat as my hooves. I still maintain the same hairstyle: short, and combed back; except instead of my usual hair color, I have the same, rich, blue color as my tail. Plus, I have a couple of golden yellow streaks on my mane and my tail; one streak on each side. And hey, look. I have wings too.
Wait… I have wings? I’m a Pegasus?! That’s cool and all except I don’t know how to use these things! Ugh! I’ll figure them out later. Right now, I should get out of this forest, which I assume must be the Everfree Forest, so I can have a better idea on where I’m at right now.
Hmm… I almost forgot. If I’ve been transformed into a pony, then that means that I might have a Cutie Mark as well! I eagerly look at my flank and saw… nothing. Not a single image on my blank flank. Sadly, I become disappointed by this. I mean, I thought my special talent would be related to my artistic abilities, but if that’s not the case, what could all of this mean? Do I have to demonstrate my art skills at some crucial point to earn my Cutie Mark, or does this mean that my own artistic craftsmanship was never my special talent in the first place? If the latter theory was true, what is my true calling in life if it’s not to create artwork? I am lost in so many ways, that I can’t even think straight on what to do next with all of these revelations.
Despite my despair, I have to keep focus. I should get out of this forest as soon as possible. There’s a clearing right behind me. As I head for the exit, I wobbly practice my walking with my new legs. Eventually, before I get out of the forest, I’ve manage to maintain a proper pace for myself.
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Upon my exit of that gloomy forest, I gasp in amazement. Before my eyes, I stand on a vast, open field filled with colorful wildflowers and luscious, green grass that sway softly from the nice breeze. The brightly blue sky above me is cleared except with a few scattered clouds. I have never seen such vivid colors in real life except those in films, cartoons, and video games. And as I look up, I can also see Celestia’s radiant sun as it greets me with its warmth and light. While scanning the area, I see something familiar in the distance. Something that sparks an idea in my head on where my next objective should be: Ponyville!
I’m not the kind of guy who wants to draw unwanted attention, especially since I’m from a different dimension where this world and everyone who lives here is based off an animated kids show. But I have little to no choice on where and who I should turn to. Hopefully in Ponyville, I can still find that certain individual who may hold the answers I seek in order to get back into my own world.
With my sights set, I am filled with hope and determination as I briskly trot across the fields of fresh grass and wildflowers. As I trot merrily, I hear an unusual sound: it sounds like a jet roaring across the sky. I look up and see not a plane, but a continuous trail of a glistening rainbow made up of loops, twists, and turns.
No. Way. Can it be? But as I become distracted, I see the rainbow jet stream change its course and suddenly heading directly towards me. As the multi-colored rocket charges towards me, I hear that familiar, tomboyish voice screaming out:
“LOOK OUT BELOW!!”
Before I have time to react, the colorful bullet train slams me into the soft ground. I black out for a bit. I imagine at that moment I will be waking up and being back to my normal, boring self. As I drift into slumber once more, I begin to hear that same feminine voice ringing against my muffled ears.
“Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry!”
My ears begin to regain their senses. I slowly open my eyes as I continue to hear that sweet, apologetic voice again.
“Please be okay! Please be okay! Please be okay!”
Once my eyes are opened, my blurred vision begins to see familiar shapes and colors: a four-legged creature with angelic wings, a coat that matches with the blue sky itself, a turf of rainbow hair resting on top of its head, and two dazzling magenta orbs gazing right back at me. At last, my eyes have regained their 20/20 vision, and right before my very eyes is one of my favorite characters in that show I adore so much…
Rainbow Dash!
Great for a newb, Average overall. You did a fine job mate
I feel your pain bro!
2652325 same here :'(
"And I envy these fanmade fantasies because as I have realized long ago, life isn’t always a fairy tale. Still, it doesn’t hurt to believe in them sometimes, right?"
this one too :/
Bout time i started reading this...
2652325 What turns girls away from me is even though I am the biggest nerd in all of my classes I was still able to beat the living shit out of a bully who was picking on my friend. Yeah, that didn't turn out to well for the bully, or my perfect record.
Ok, it's badly written. You seem to be suffering from severe You-keep-using-that-word-I-do-not-think-it-means-what-you-think-it-means-itis. Awkward wording abounds, your sentences tend to be redundant, and the greatest sin of all? Your main character is unappealing.
Tense issues. That is all.
2783369 I can do that shit too. Its fun but I get hurt... alot
I like this story so far, but it started off a little quick.
3045621
I'm terribly late with replying to this comment, but the like/dislike ratio of that comment fits it perfectly.
hmm, a bit fast, but hey I've met faster... at least this is enjoyable than... that
Ok so far...
Except for the "Ugh... Where am I?" I really doubt that somebody/pony would say those words right after waking up after a star smashes in your face.
But yeah, good so far.
~lights
The thing is, you always see a story where a character falls in love with one(some/all ) of the mane 6. Honestly, it's getting annoying. Why not make a story that includes ( but doesn't ship) them, and have the character fall in love with a different character, or not even fall in love, but become best buds?
And I did this from my phone which has no ponymotioncons. I feel proud of myself.
Anyways, looking forward to reading the rest if this story.
"I enjoy the well-developed characters, the brilliantly written stories"
Why do I get the feeling that Mr. Mustang isn't a big fan of Shakespeare or Falkner?
"Angelic" is usually reserved for Celestia or Fluttershy.
Nice to see it applied to the meatheaded jock for once.
Wow, I love how when you read even the first part of this, it's really more of a narrative disclaimer saying 'Here, now you know exaclty what you're getting into. This is what to expect. You don't like, leave, you do, have fun.'. I read the first paragraph and thought, 'well, now I know that that's gonna be about...'
Not wrong yet.
Regards
Quicksear
When he popped into the meadow read luscious as delicious, made me do a doble take and laugh when I realized my mistake.
Well, so far I'm on the fence about this story. I like the premise which, while it's not original, is still solid. The writing itself is, no offense, amateurish and a little on the weak side. And your character's thoughts are so stinted and awkward I would check him into the mental hospital.
HOWEVER I am willing to continue onwards and see where ths goes from here. You've yet to earn a gree nthumb or a fav from me, but you're not the worst I've seen.
I don't like to read human to pony stories but I have been coming on this one a lot so, what the hell I told myself and jumped right in and I'm glad I did.
p.gr-assets.com/540x540/fit/hostedimages/1380401339/778897.jpg
Fav. Pony *SQUEE!*
That OC name is so good I car-n't stop reading...
I'm sorry, I had to.
Goodness gracious great balls of fire!
Lo and behold, an angel has fallen from heaven...
so far i have enjoyed the characters, and the story, but im having a lot of trouble with the wording, its kind of difficult to read.
i think you could greatly benifit from a proofreader or editor to help sort things out.
i came across several instances where different words could have been used like when for example twilight "vanquished" the scroll she was taking notes with. that gave me the impression that when she finished writing it she destroyed it xD. made me giggle. but anyhoo yeah, id find someone to help edit or rewrite the story D: its a good story with great characters but wording needs changed badly.
n_n i wish you the best of luck.
SQUEEE!!!
This is so good!!! AH!!!!!! MUST READ MOAR!!!!
Pretty good start. Holding out hope it does not get overly corny.
Also,
m.quickmeme.com/img/34/343de795dddb951ab89d8e9849457e6b0fa990b932c164f64dd4cec827d87f34.jpg
There are too much descriptions. Not that the story isn't interesting, but you kill the mood if you write every little detail of what the protagonist think, making the story sounds like him living in his head. This kind of error is pretty common, it's easier write what You thought instead of trying really hard to create a solid story.
This kind of writing is good only to occupy a page with too much words of what You or the protagonist think in a moment that last longer than a day, with opinions that nobody cares about.
Just think about it.
right off the bat you have a sentence with bad wording.
Why not try something like
or
do you have an editor? If so, they're not doing a very good job if they miss that. A bad first line spoils it for a good chunk of the people that might otherwise read and love the story. I am not one such person, but if I notice any more errors in this chapter, I will first list them here and then offer my services as an editor for this fanon universe.
Anyway, moving right along...
[...]
A few lines later, I noticed the story is starting to feel very Gary Sue--ish, but then doesn't any fantasy start out at least sort of that way? But then, that's no excuse for the main character of a fanfiction tagged "romance" saying "I'm a sucker for romance", regardless of the genre of story.
This won't bother me, but if you don't manage significant development of the main character soon, it will lead to a sudden drop off in how many people read a certain chapter, statistically.
Style problem number one.
[...]
The second thing I noticed in the line of style problems:
show, not tell. Show me what is happening, don't have the main character tell me like you do when he notices his hands have become hooves.
it kind of feels like he's writing this in a journal as he wakes up, even though he doesn't even know how to write yet. Hell, he doesn't even know how to walk like a pony yet!
Twisted Code: *snicker* ha, loser. I walk like a pony all the time!
yes, but you are a pony.
Twisted Code: So... What's your point?
pay no attention to the reality-programming unicorn dissing your main character.
Twisted Code: Hey! I'm still here you know...
yes, I do. Can we get back to the story?
Twisted Code: Fine...
Twisted Code: ...right after I point out that this is similar to how a real writer would probably show something
why don't we write something then?
Twisted Code: 'cause you're lazy
oh yeah...
*Turns to the next chapter before Twisted Code can get another word in edgewise*
I hope the romance is done right, or at least right in my eyes. I would like to avoid the usual wimpy main char that is in love with the other character or at least has no choice in the matter and is getting teasted by the others all day.
So far the start looks good, but I kind of wished I had seen this before, I hate to know when it is going to stop.
I totally agree! 100%!
The beginning hits kind of close to home...
91820
Like 70 percent of the fandom is that
Not exactly what I would think...
I would say, “Life, why must I be a strangeness magnet?”
Frisk? Is dat u?
9843694
personally I would just be quiet and try to process what just happened and then call an ambulance and the police for auditory and visual hallucinations.
Damn, coming back to Fimfic after a decade of growing has me wondering what the hell kept me reading for a lot of my old favorites. The beginning is well written in the fact that your grammar has no problems but the description he gave of himself is so cringingly "nice guy" that I can't tell if it was on purpose or not.
If I had tried reading it for the first time today, I definitely wouldn't have gotten past the first chapter. Memories are mostly what's getting me past this part.