• Published 13th Feb 2012
  • 11,539 Views, 265 Comments

Cupcakes A$$ Kicking. - thewaffler

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In the Garden of Pain and ill Will,

A/N: This is what you guys make me read. I blame 60% myself and 40% user: (dialgalove) for the suggestion in the first place.


The clock struck 2:00 and the bell signaled the end of class for Ponyville Elementary.

"Okay see you all on Monday and don't forget your..."Cherilee was saying the foals ran out of the classroom to enjoy the weekend.”...group projects." She said to no one in particular.

She went about her day as usual and she had noticed a lot of ponies have been distraught over the last couple of weeks, but she wasn't into gossip. She went home made herself a quick meal, turned on her TV and whipped out her iZap notebook so she could put in the grades for the last test. The last test had its usual results. Her best students like Applebloom, Twist, and Dinky aced the exam. On the opposite side of the spectrum were Snips and Snails which both drew a picture of Trixie.

Once that was done she forgot that she needed to order some plant seeds for her garden because she never fully trusted the Flower Triplets not since high school that plus Cherilee had expensive taste when it came to flowers and plants. She looks outside to her small garden. "I might not be an Apple, but I could give them a run for their bits." She thought out loud as she admired her evening blooming azaleas from her living room window. The wine colored mare though she opened up the sticky notes program on her computer as she absent mindedly typed in "Cherilee’s Garden" and hit enter to leave a blank space beneath it, but she accidentally typed it in the search bar of her browser. The result was an entry titled: Cherilee's Garden.

"Seems harmless, I mean what could be bad about someone writing about my garden."

About an hour later because it is such a long fic to read through Cherilee had a face that was mixture of shock, confusion and anger.

"First off, I like the CMC's well except for the time I ended up in a ditch with Applebloom's brother on Hearts and Hooves Day, but for the most part their good fillies. Second, what kind of theater supply company sells industrial strength acid and torture devices? Last, does the writer think a teacher of small foals would be driven crazy by foals acting like foals?!"

A few minutes passed and she still couldn't think straight. Just as it looked like she was in for a night of restless sleep the universe answered her problems in the form of a commercial.

"We'll be back with My Tiny Cub: Companionship is Sorcery, after these messages."

A picture of the Equestrian flag appeared on screen and the sound of a snare drum could be heard playing "taps". Slowly a familiar form walked into frame wearing a general's uniform. "I'm Iron Will: fitness guru, motivational speaker and star of such films as Minotaur of Honor, Exploder and Terrified and Hatred in Las Pegasus. Well, Brother..." He did his signature arm flex. "...I'm here to tell you about my new service called Fic Busters." He turned to a different camera while zoomed out to show that he had changed location to a study and was now wearing a blazer and smoking a pipe while a set of reading glasses perched upon his snout. "Lately, there has been an influx of creatures dealing with the ridicule that comes with getting such slander and smut made starring them, but what if they didn't have to take it, what if I went to the creators of such CRAP AND BROKE THEIR GODS DAMNED SPINE AND SHOVED A PINEAPPLE UP THEIR AS--"

The camera shook and the scared sounds of the camera crew could be heard in background. The screen went to black when a prompt that read: We are experiencing technical difficulties. After about ten seconds Iron will came back on screen albeit with his glasses broken and hanging of his nose. "I came up with the idea after I read a story that paired me with one of my colleagues, but enough about me here's some testimonials."

The screen faded to a royal guard with his name shown on screen as Lt. Sure Shot. "When I read a story about me in a *bleep bleep bleeep, bleeeeeeeep* with a *bleeep* shoved *bleeeeep* hippopotamus, I called Fic Busters and they stopped all the pain and ridicule." He said in a wooden voice as if he was reading from cue cards.

Then a blue stallion wearing a Wonderbolts uniform whose name was displayed as Soarin' came on screen. "Yeah, when I read that someone wrote a story where I didn't like pie in more ways than one. I called up this fine service and they took care of it."

Last a powder blue mare wearing a wizard's hat appeared on screen. "Trixie was deeply appalled that Trixie was paired with that know it all Twilight. Trixie was more angry that they left out her magnificence and slender, like mere written words could capture even a frac-- " She was cut off by the screen fading to black and Will appeared on screen again this time walking while holding a jacket over his shoulder through a broken basket ball court in an urban setting.

"Our prices are hotter than taking a tray full of cookies and baking them in your ass and like all my fine products I offer a money back guarantee, CALL NOW!!!"

The scene faded to a blue information screen including the telephone number and website as the jingle started playing. "Is there a fic that makes you look like a prick, call me up and their asses I Will kick."

Disclaimer voice rushed through the legal terms. "Refunds must be made after ten days of order and Iron William does not mean donkeys when he mentions ass kicking, Donkey assault is a hate crime and Iron Will and affiliates support the sentient creatures act 1003c, Contact your local official today."

Cherilee’s mind had to take a lot of information like Will must of paid a small fortune for that commercial and his service seemed like the answer to her solution.

After a quick toll free phone call and putting a hundred bits on her credit card and receiving her confirmation number she went back to her grading and visited P-Compatibility to see if there were any matches for her dating profile...


Meanwhile Iron Will whom was in his office and got word that his 3:00 for tomorrow had canceled, but that got quickly filled by a new order via a Miss Cherilee of Ponyville stating her issue is with a guy who wrote a story called Cherilee's Garden.

'It can’t be that bad, probably just another mare offended by another clop fic. Pfft.' Will initially dismissed the story before he actually read it. He had to read every fic and view every image as research for the ass kicking the creator would receive. Hell, in the case of Soarin' he had to read over a dictionary worth of fics and images. 'He paid for my new yacht though.' He smirked as he put on a new pair of reading glasses to get to the task of reading Cherilee's Garden.

An hour later his face was pale as he shakily removed his glasses, got up went to his water cooler got a plastic cup, took a sip and sat back down. He felt unclean. "WHAT. THE. FUCK, did I just read?" Normally, Will went easier on grim dark writers, but this time he felt no remorse for what he was do to the writer of this particular story. "The only thing good about the fic was its grammar."

The only question Will had to ask himself was how he was going to deliver the pain. After a few minutes he got an idea and called for his goat butler named Alfonzo.

"Alf, I need you to get me twenty hooves of rope, yesterday's newspaper and two gallons of glue."

The old goat stared off into space for a few seconds before leaving the room while Will got ready for his trip.


The next day on Earth, more specifically upper-state New York, the author of Cherilee’s Garden was getting out of his mom's Volvo and as he went to open the door to his house the young man was met with a tranquilizer dart to the back of his neck.

Somewhere is Canada, Many Hours Later

The lanky human woke up in what he assumed with a dark warehouse, but he also heard rushing water so he couldn't be sure.

Suddenly a booming voice that sounded not unlike a certain former WWF wrestler was heard. "You wrote a disgusting fan fic and need to be taught a lesson in friendship."

"L-let me go. You don't have to teach me a lesson in anything." The lanky writer pleaded with his captor as a growing sense of fear took over him.

Iron Will appeared from behind the shadows and turned the lights on reveling to the author that he was in some kind of lumber processing plant. "Well as for your punishment, we're gonna find out which is your better half." The minotaur pulled a lever and the whirl of the motor buzzed through the air.

The writer felt his once stationary platform moving slowly forward. He jerked his head back to find that he was tied to a log on a conveyer belt which feed directly into a giant spinning saw blade.

Not even questioning what Iron Will was doing here. His eyes went wide with fear. "Okay, Okay I admit I wrote a gory story and I'm sorry, P-please don't kill me." He said pissing himself in fear of the saw blade as he came closer to it.

"Was that so hard? Now I just need to figure out which one of these levers stops the saw." Will fiddled with the various levers but he only succeeded in making sparks fly out of the control panel and the conveyer belt to move faster toward the blade.

"Wait, WHAT?!?!" The human broke down into tears and started praying to every deity known to man and several known to dolphins.

Just as the writer thought he was doomed, Iron Will punched the blade causing it to shatter into a several pieces. The writer damn near had a heart attack.

"See, brother? Paper mache, a recyclable material, Iron Will is all about being green, brother." Will said in matter of factly tone as he held a large chunk up to the writer to which he snapped a piece of it over the dumbfounded human's head.

"W-what kind of creature are you?"

"A dangerous one. Do not mess with Equestria or be creepy, which ever comes first." Iron Will knocked the author out with a well placed strike to the head. He left the saw-mill and called emergency services claiming to be a scared citizen calling for a Baker Act on the writer. 'End the day by making sure he's put away.' He thought as a phone call would put him in a mental institution.


Here is what Cherilee saw while on the online dating site the night she called Fic Busters.

"Oh, look I got an eighty percent compatibility match; it's from a male human called: Tucker. Let's take a look at his profile."

About 3 minutes later, a million thoughts were rushing through her head. 'I have never seen a bigger sexual deviant in all my life. He's a sexist jerk, he should not be allowed within ten kilometers of an elementary school, he has a kid, and he's confident, maybe I can change him.'

Meanwhile in Blue base a certain teal clad soldier was looking up his matches on the same exact dating site.

"Let's see what we have here. Hmmm, eighty percent compatibility match; sweet." He began reading her online profile.

After about five minutes of reading he was already making naughty teacher jokes that involved the words: cram, session, bow chika wow wow, ruler and extra-credit. It was when he saw her profile picture that he was confused. "Talking horse, huh? Well she’s still more appealing than Tex." He hit the reply button anyway.

As soon as Tucker sent his reply he was sucked into the computer terminal. Nearby Caboose watched all this or would have, but he got distracted by a butterfly and ran outside to chase it.

Back at Cherilee’s cottage she jumped back as the creature she had just seen on the dating site came hurdling through her laptop and smacked into the couch, rolled off of it and knocked over the coffee table.


The two just stared at each other; Tucker was the first to break the silence. "Hey, my name's Tucker, how do you like me so far?"

Cherilee just rolled her eyes. 'That's the worse pick up line I've heard since...well ever and it didn't help that he barreled through my living room.' She thought to herself, but she had to at least give him a shot. "I'm Cherilee. I take it you were on a dating site recently?" She said with her signature warm smile.

Any and all innuendos left the teal clad soldier's mind as he saw her smile. "Y-yeah."

The two of them carried on from there and so began the second oddest relationship in all of Equestria, next to Prince Blueblood and Crackle the dragon.


The Continuing Adventures of Perry Piekinski

Perry spent the day baking with his Equestrian counterpart Pinkie Pie at Sugar Cube Corner. It was his second favorite thing to do besides bring the pain. As he was leaving the bakery later that day, he failed to notice the blue and white fashion photographer trailing him as he skipped through the town. As he rounded a corner his Perry sense kicked in and let him know something was following him.

"Alright, who's there?"

Suddenly he was bombarded with the white light of flash bulbs. When he finally managed to get his bearings he was met with the one, the only and the annoying Photo Finish."You are my next big thing in zee fashion industry."

"Me am got a better idea." He reared his fist back and threw all his weight into his arm as he punched the blue mare in the face.

"Me call that: Perry punching persnickety photographers."

He was shocked when Photo actually got back up on to her hooves. "I Photo Finish as a photographer have zaken many punches and kicks to zee face."

"Okay Me am impressed but how would you like to fly knuckle airlines: fist class?" The linebacker was about to send Photo to Manehattan though the sheer force of his strength.

"Wait, I Photo Finish can pay you five thousand bits."

Perry's reaction was: O_o "Looks like Me am a Model!!! Me need to practice my Magnum look." Perry didn't know anything about modeling, but he had seen Zoolander about twenty times. The human followed the fashion photographer down the road and to fashion history.


As what Celestia was doing that day?

Celestia was cuddling with her favorite god of chaos. She was suddenly struck by an awesome idea.

"Hey Dissy we should form an 80's rock band with you, me, Luna, and Garry." Celestia mentioned Garry Gygax the human they brought back from the dead to play a couple of games of Dungeons and Dragons with a few days ago. She figured, 'why not put him in the band too, I mean it's not like we can send him back to Earth. We ca--.' Her thoughts were interrupted by the figure to her right.

"80's?" Discord said with a confused expression on his face.

"That's right! You and Lulu were either exiled or your case turned to stone. I can fix that."

Half an Hour Later

Celestia had strapped her sister and her boyfriend to two chairs with their eyes held open with scotch tape and in front of them was a large television and for the next four hours they were made to watch EMTV Classic's rock of the 80's marathon.

Many More Hours and Practice Sessions Later

At the Canterlot Mega-Dome, the three thousand seat arena was packed mainly because The Royal Princesses declared that if the arena wasn't packed that Discord would make it rain angry cats or just regular cats.

The four of them were getting ready with Celestia on lead locals, Discord on lead guitar, Garry on drums and last there was Luna on greatest instrument every crafted by mere mortals, the double necked Keytar.

"The synth has been doubled!" Luna squeed with delight.

They were hodgepodge of vinyl, spiked collars, torn denim, frizzy hair, heavy boots, spandex and make-up, by the time time they were ready to perform.

The sixty-seven year old human piped up. "Um, Celestia we look like bondage slaves." He said in an unamused tone.

Celestia was absolutely giddy with excitement. "That's the point!"

The curtains went up and the fog machine kicked on and the pyrotechnics flashed as the four of them looked out into the coliseum full of ponies.

They belted out a slew of hits to a cheering crowd. They wanted more and the four royal rock stars were only happy to oblige.

However, what really happened was that after Celestia got her sister and Discord to watch the EMTV Classic 80's marathon, Garry brought over a garbage bag full of the finest weed to ever grow in Equestria and they got extremely high and played Rock band instead of creating any type of real band. Still not a bad way to spend an afternoon and yes Celestia still dressed up like that.


Image by Deviant Art user: Gabriev666