• Published 13th Feb 2012
  • 11,539 Views, 265 Comments

Cupcakes A$$ Kicking. - thewaffler

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You're in the Care of Lyra and Bon Bon / Griffin Feathers

Lyra and her roommate Bon Bon were just chilling out when out of nowhere Lyra's weird rule 63 clone/boyfriend Guyra burst through the door. Guyra was a very odd being and at first ponies didn't know what to do with him and after a long debate with Celestia he was given his rights even though he was never technically born, but that's a tale for an another day. The aquamarine stallion had the look of excitement on his face.

"You'll never guess what I found online."

"Let me guess is it something NSFW?" Lyra said as who knows you better than yourself.

"Yep babe and it stars you and Bonny." He said with a devious smirk on his face.

"Well, that's nice, wait WHAT?!?!"

The two mares followed Guyra into his office. They saw what he was looking at and when it was over their faces were flush and they were angry with the shear amount of fillyfooler clop fics and pics of themselves. The only pony that was fine with this was the unicorn stallion. He may have been created with magic, but he was still a guy and he had that one fantasy most guys had hardwired into their brain.

"We have to put a stop to this Lyra. I can't imagine what will happen if my Caramel finds out about this." Bon Bon said as she feared what would happen if her sweet, innocent and clumsy Caramel Apple found out about these sorted images and pictures.


Meanwhile at Caramel's apartment on the other side of town while he was indeed all those things she said Caramel had a few secrets. He was secretly in a speed metal band called Violent Ecstasy and was finishing some sound editing for their latest single: Lick My Love Pump. He had been up all night getting the track to sound just right and was lucky that it was his day off from work on the farm.

"Now that, that is done, I think I'll check out Bon Bon's store website." He looks up Bon Bon's International House of Fudge and is assaulted with a myriad of lude pics and fics that had his girlfriend in them. He looked like a kid who was trapped in a candy store and let out a rather large "squee" as he viewed them. 'I wonder if they know about this? Screw it who cares, now where did I put that flash drive?'


Back at Lyra and Guyra's home.

"...I bet Caramel would never engage in that kind of behavior." Bonny said in a very indignant tone. The other two just rolled their eyes.

"We need to put a stop to this immediately. Oh, but who will watch my store?"

"I can do it. Now, you guys go ahead and take care of those jerks and I'll sell the candy." Guyra said as he convinced Lyra and Bon Bon to go on their quest for revenge.

"I'm lucky to have created you." Lyra said as she threw Guyra into a passionate kiss, which made the candy marked earth pony a little disgusted as she was still not used to the whole 'my best friend is dating her rule 63 magically created clone thing.'

"See yah later babe." The mint colored stallion said as he walked to Bon Bon's shop to sell some candy. Once he got there he whipped out his cell phone and called up his brother from another mother Caramel.

"Dude did you see the clop of Bonny and Lyra?"

"I know man, it's friggin sweet."

"You do realize that Lyra is technically me, right?"

"Ummm...fuck. Way to kill the moment now I can't enjoy most of this. You really suck."

"Yeah, I know. Anyway wanna go get baked in the back of the candy store later?"

"You know it. See you there man."


Bon Bon and Lyra sat on a park bench trying to decide on what to do next.

"We can't attack all of the writers and artists, there are so many of them. Plus a lot of them just don't realize the gravity of situation." Bonny said as she was usually the more logical and for a lack of a better term 'down to Earth' one of the duo.

"I do wish we could humiliate the guy whole created the shipping of us."

"Holy, Hay Bonny I just had a great idea! We need your camera and access to photo copier." Lyra had a great idea that was so simple that we'll take a short break to bring you the next segment.


Back on Earth

That one Cupcakes writer was on the run from the cops after breaking out of jail. He finally had an idea to get his own revenge for why his life was complete shit. 'Faust must pay for what she has done to me.' He thought to himself trying to coax some semblance of logic from his brain. 'Just first I'll gonna need a goat skin, a machete and a guide who speaks Whu-Tu.'

Hours later he clad in a goat skin and seemly forgetting about the Whu-Tu speaking guide as the disheveled writer stood outside the gates of Faust and Cracken Manor. He crept past several armed guards and made his way inside towards her study. He slowly opened the door to see an office chair pointed away from the door and towards a large stained glass window. the only light sources were a office lamp on the other side of the room and the flash of lightning from the storm outside as the booms of thunder could be heard ever so often,

He knew the chair was occupied as if the occupant had expected his arrival. He proceeded into the room with his machete drawn. CRACK. That was the sound heard as the writer was hit in the head by an unknown assailant. He fell to the floor unconscious as his attacker stepped out of the shadows. It was a familair face, it was Bloo from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends holding a ball-peen hammer.

"What do you wanna do with this thing?" The blue Pac-Man ghost looking creature asked the figure that slowly rotated its chair around to show that it indeed was Faust.

"Take him to the place were all bad bronies go."

"I think, that's going to far, dude. Not that."

"Yes, that." Faust said with maniacal laughter as a well timed lightning strike added dramatic effect to her laugh.


A few hours later

The Cupcakes writer woke up in the most horrifying world he could think of, it was... the world of G3 Your Adolescent Horse, the shittier Korean knock off version of G3 My Little Pony and even the knock of had a slightly better version known as G4 Your Adolescent Horse: Companionship is Devil Worship. This sucked and it was like a thousand hells rolled into one.

Every character looked vaguely familiar only none of them had anything useful to say. It was all just smiles with vacant expression and giggles. 'Fuck, my life.' Those were his final thoughts as he was mobbed by these retarded paste eating Technicolor donkeys.


Several mutated deformed baby horses were in a field giggling and chatting about inane things.

Book Enthusiast baby horse was hugging a dictionary with the same soulless vacant expression. "Learning, yay!"

The Boastful and Exaggerated Trisha baby horse was eating pine cones. "Trisha better than Book Enthusiast." She said before eating more pine cones. That one Cupcakes writer is sitting by a tree with a scar on his forehead.

"Glitter...funshine...horse pun...party...party...party........paaaaaarty..." He mumbled while drooling as if he was the unfortunate receiver of a brain removal operation.


Back in Equestria and back to the main story.

"This is a great plan and the best part is no buddy gets hurt." Bon Bon saw that Lyra was packing a baseball bat. "err...Lyra what's the bat for?"

"Oh, this? It's just my trusty negotiation tool." Bon Bon shot Lyra a glare that could freeze fire. "Fine I'll put it back."

"Empty your bag Ms. Heartstrings."

Lyra begrudgingly did as her friend asked and out fell a hammer, a pair of brass horse shoes, a cinderblock and a bundle of C4. Bon Bon was beyond words.

"What?" the teal mare shrugged.

"Anyway let's go to Earth, find the guy responsible for shipping us and clear our names."


A young lady was walking into her apartment when she was knocked unconscious

She woke up 20 minutes later to a very odd sight but one that was becoming slightly more common on Earth as more and more writers and artists were attacked, went MIA and in few cases were given gift baskets. She saw Lyra and Bon Bon her favorite ponies.

"Lyra and Bon Bon? This is awesome. I think you guys look so great together...err why am I tired to a chair?"

The two had originally come to humiliate this person and expected some lonely thirty year old fat nerd to be responsible for the origin but they were shocked when they found out it wasn't a brony. Regardless lessons had to be taught.

"We're upset that you started the whole shipping craze that concerns us. You see, Lyra and I aren't actually like that." Bon Bon said to the confused pegasister in a calm manner whilst Lyra still wanted to kick some ass.

"What are you guys gonna do to me?"

The lights were flicked off and her torture began...it was the slide show from Lyra, Guyra, Bon Bon and Caramel's vacation in Santhay Cruz, Coltifornia last summer. The lady was very confused over the Guyra creature. Lyra spent another two hours explaining his origin. The slide show was the equivalent to water torture and it lasted for seven hours. By the time it was over the pegasister's mind was broken and only sputtering out sentence fragments and words.

"Beach...tacos...massage my back...Caramel got it in my mane...forgot hotel key...Guyra.....dolphins...sea-ponies...hovercraft full of eels..." The woman said while drooling with her eyes wide open in shock.

Lyra turned to Bon Bon. "I kinda feel bad about that. I didn't think a small seven hour slide show would do any harm."

"I think we need to do something nice for her."

"Ooh let's give the most interesting thing in world from that one TV commercial from Earth. It has something to do with staying thirsty."

The duo went to a liquor store and brought back some Mexican beer and placed it next to the mind crushed pegasister.


Outside the apartment

"Ummm...Bonny?"

"Yes?"

"Let's never speak of this again."

The Earth pony nodded. "Speak of what?"

"Exactly."

"Let's go home. I wonder how Guyra's day went?"

"He's probably getting into to trouble and talking my poor Mel into joining him." Lyra just rolled her eyes obviously she knew more about the two chuckle heads they call boyfriends and in her case she could almost read her aquamarine counterpart's mind.

The two friends decided to head for home.


Back on Equestria in the backroom of Bon Bon's International House of Fudge, two very high stallions were having the time of their lives.

"...like I was telling you dude...I can't get away with nothin, it's like she can read my mind." Guyra said as he took another hit from the bong.

"Man, I'm lucky that I get to live like Jem; rock star by night and simple farmer by day."

"Shhh, shhh, I got a joke for you. Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Go fuck yourself."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." The two fell over laughing.

"Dude, you’re like the best friend ever." The bell of the shops door rang signaling that there was customer. Guyra pried himself off the bean bag chair he transformed from a bag of flour and walking out of the room while the tan stallion was still laughing about the joke he heard earlier.

Standing in the doorway was his better half and Bon Bon.

"Ummm...you guys are back early. Did everything go alright?"

"Things got accomplished more or less, let's just say our plan was more Blueblood than Celestia, if you get what I mean. We don't really want to talk about it." She said as she nuzzled him. 'He's been toking up again, it's adorable how he doesn't think I know.' Lyra thought as she caught the scent of his breath.

"I think I'll go get a broom from the backroom and tidy up a bit before closing up shop." Bon Bon called out as she trotted to the back of the store.

CRASH

A very stoned Caramel stumbled out of the back and ran out the door of the candy store whist being chased by his special somepony. "CARAMEL FRANCISCO APPLE, GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!" Unbeknownst to the other two Bonny have found her boyfriend eating all her most expensive dark chocolate imported from the Griffin Kingdom.

The other two couldn't really hear much after that since all they could hear was sound of their own laughter.


What else happened that day

Gilda was chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool when she saw what becoming a more familiar sight in Equestria. It was Perry Piekinski human linebacker charging toward her. The best way to set him off was to make Fluttershy cry and Gilda had an ass kicking that was long overdue.

"FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOU!!!" He yelled as he ran at the griffin and let's say that for the first time she was scared shitless as he grabbed her by the tail as she tried to take off and swung her into the ground.

She let out a loud sound that was nothing like supposed cool creature she claimed to be, in fact come to think of it, it was closer to the sound of fowl you might find on a farm.

"BAGAWK"

Just as he was cramming his fist down Gilda's throat. Perry's Perry Sense is tingling which means something needs an ass kicking, he paused the merciless beating he was giving the griffin and watched the latest episode which was the one featuring Gabby Gums and he decided it was time to teach Diamond Tiara a lesson in being a better pony. Perry finished watching the show and went back to attacking Gilda in which he proceeded to punch and wail on her. He finished by kicking her in the ribs and grabbing some trophies and by trophies he meant ripping off Gilda's tail, several large bundles of feathers and damn near all her teeth before he went off to deal with Diamond.


Half an hour later Perry arrived at the Rich household in Ponyville and bust through the door terrifying the well off family of three inside. The stallion was the first to speak.

"P-please take anything you want just spare my family."

Perry chuckled. 'If me am had a nickel for everything me bust through someone's house and they thought me was there to rob them, me'd be filthy rich.' He thought to himself while shaking his head.

"Me am major in child psychology and me am here to fix mean filly. Here is my card." Mr. and Mrs. Rich was stunned like their prayers had been answered the got up and graveled at the human's feet.

"Thank Celestia your here, thank you, thank you. We just can't control her anymore."

"But, daaaad."

The married couple left the house and was thankful that Diamond was someone else's is problem for a few hours.

Perry turned to Diamond. "We are gonna have a chat, now let's talk about school..."


2 hours later

Diamond's parents came back to their home and made a mental note to get a new door. They saw their daughter actually behaving and working on an apology note to the members of the cmc's. Perry went to Mr. and Mrs. Rich. "Her problem me believe is that she craves attention and you two are never around so she acts out and she lashes out at others because she is insecure with her own special talent."

Perry turned to the camera. "What you think me was gonna tackle a child? Me am not a monster."


Later that day he took all the items he had received from Gilda and made them into a cloak and necklace combination. He place it in a box and gift wrapped it. Perry was on his way to The Great and Powerful Trixie's to confess his weird feelings for the blue unicorn.


If you’re curious what Celestia was doing that day, she was busy being awesome. Her schedule was as follows:

7:00am- Make prank phone calls to the dragon prime minister

8:30am-Snowboard in Lava canyon.

11:00am- Enter cake eating competition.

2:00pm-Skydive while fighting grizzly bears.

3:00pm- Do boring Princess politician stuff.

6:00pm- Hang out with Lulu.

8:00pm Go out with Discord

"It's good to be the princess." She thought to herself at the end of the day while she lay in bed exhausted next to the god of chaos.


A/N: Guyra is owned by Deviant Art user Veggie55. I promise you guys I'll give you an ultra violent chapter next time, but I like to balance things out.