• Member Since 21st Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 12 hours ago

Random_User


I love getting feedback and constructive criticism. Please feel free to comment. If you take the time to comment, I will take the time to respond.

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Source

Davenport is content being thought of as a polite, successful business pony. One miss-delivered letter to Twilight Sparkle threatens to end his anonymity, as Rainbow Dash begins to scrutinize his life after Twilight refuses to tell her what the letter was about. Due to Rainbow's curiosity, not only is his secret in jeopardy of being exposed, so are his hidden affections for a certain mare.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 53 )

2640180>>2639615
Thank you both. I will have another chapter up in a couple of days. I am currently editing it, and making sure that there are no glaring errors.

I seemed to have gotten hit with a lot of down votes all at once, and seeing nice comments really boosts my spirits.

Interest peaked. :raritywink: I'm calling it, Davenport is either an ex-Equestria Intelligence Agency interrogator, assassin or he owns a series of brothels.

2640462 Give me a couple of days to iron out a couple of things, and I certainly will.

2640683 You have a much better imagination than I have. I have to admit, it won't be anything that wild, but it might come as a bit of a shock.

This fic has a great idea, well-composed prose and just the right amount of vocabulary: words not so obscure you have to search them up, yet not too simplistic. The oncoming downvotes are beyond me because I can't find anything wrong with the story.

It could always be that some users downvote because they expect the author and fiction in question to be inexperienced. This is such a case for stories which appear in the recent stories feed. Your story doesn't have bad grammar or anything, and this perception problem is likely to dissipate as said story gets longer and more popular.

I've liked and favorited! Hope to see more! :pinkiesmile:

Expected Davenport x couch.
Happy to be wrong.

2641913 I never even thought about that. That would just be... strange.

2641874 Thank you, and fixed!

2641424 Thank you for the favorite and the feedback! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. I have never had a down vote blitz like this with any of my other stories, and I was shocked at it. I hope that you are right, and the rough patch is over. I will have another chapter up in the next day or two.

Ooh! I don't think I've read anything about Davvy before. I am curious! :pinkiehappy:

Ooh, the plot thickens. Celestia, stop eating all that cake, it goes right to your hips!

I'm still trying to figure out what he does.. Hmm. With feathers. And sofas.

Mostly it makes me think of that scene in Titanic. "Paint me like one of your French girls!"

2649651 Judging by your comment, I think you will like a scene that is coming up in the next chapter.

2649196 I don't have a clue. I have never even thought about it.

2657427 Sounds good to me. Flutterport sounds almost... naughty.

Davenport's the writer of the Daring Doo books isn't he?

2672093 I tried to be fair, I really did! When it came to hints, I wanted them to not be too obvious, but I also didn't want them to be so slight that readers couldn't pull things together. I get irritated at stories that give no hints whatsoever, or shove things in the reader's face. I was hoping to strike a balance between the two extremes.

There still is a secret left to be revealed, I hope I have played fair with it through the story as well.

I thought he liked twilight I won't lie. Also I know what the other secret is I think. What he does and what the letter is about... that might not be it though.

2640920 Thanks for reading my story! I also wanted to congratulate you on being the Equestria Confidential Read of the Week! I knew I recognized your avatar, but did not put the story and the author together till now. Black and White and Red All Over was one of the first shipping stories that I read on FiMfiction, and it remains one of my favorites.

This was... interesting. I must say that I liked it!:pinkiehappy:

Nice! Is that a sequel I smell?

Spetsnaz pinkie pie approves of story.

Da story so awesome author deserves finest vodka and vodka flavored cupcakes.

2685767 I typically don't write direct sequels. I will, however, drop little things in my other stories so that readers who have read several of my works will get subtle references that have no impact on the current story's plot line. That leaves me a lot more flexibility when I'm writing, and provides little Easter eggs for long time readers. For example, at the very beginning of this story, Davenport mentions Mare's office clerk, Bookend. Bookend is an OC of mine (yes, I wrote OC based stories and I don't regret a thing) who plays a key part in my stories, "To Fear the Sun" and "Odds Ends and Even Trades," which, oddly enough now that I think about it, are the only directly linked stories that I have done.

Though with my new addiction of writing for the group Crack Shipping Inc., there might be a couple of more stories that are much more interrelated.

2685855 Thank you! Wrapping up a story is something that I tend to have problems with.

2685771 I'm glad I like vodka then. It looks like I will enjoying its flavor for a while. Thank you for commenting on my story like you have. It's always nice to know there is a reader that is involved in the story, and is enjoying it.

2681945 Oh, don't worry. I will get Rainbow in a ship sooner or later. It's going to be difficult to do something new, since she is shipped with anything that moves and some things that don't, but I'll think of something. Particularity if Cracked Shipping gives me a wild idea.

This was a nice, quick ship-fic! I enjoyed seeing whenever it updated, and was surprised at how quickly it ended. That's far from a problem; most stories on this site never get finished because authors either want to make huge, complex stories or they try to come up with a direction as they go. I can tell you planned this in advance and it's a relief to see an author actually finish a story, let alone go through bouts of emotional spikes and doubts about their work. This is also the first heterosexual shipping I've read in some time, and not one involving Big Mac or any other go-to stallions, either. Your prose describes actions and environments well, and though your grasp on grammar appears to be fine, I would recommend an editor for your next story. I also noticed some weirdly-placed commas.


I only have two problems with this story, the latter being a pretty large complaint. Please acknowledge that I criticize in order to help you as a writer, as well as myself, so please don't get mad at me. :fluttercry:


First problem: Davenport comes off as so humble and reserved that he doesn't really express much character. He never gets too angry or too excited or too anything, and there were plenty of missed chances in the story where that could have happened(ex. Rainbow stalking him, crappy first date, hanging from a tree as he gets interrogated). It was cute when he was too afraid to be upfront with her, not to mention his favoring for her feathers when they were generally meant to be soldnot put into a collection. Not that Davenport is uninteresting, but the conflicts in the story never challenged him enough to show any outstanding traits.


In a great SpikeXRarity called "Baser Instincts"(which is unfinished and hasn't been updated in 5 months :twilightangry2:), Davenport is depicted as an Earth Pony supremacist: he believes that every kind of species living in Ponyville that isn't Earth Pony is desecrating the town's history of being built on Earth Pony traditions. While he doesn't actively attack or speak out on them, he no less sees them as a threat and only brought it up when Spike kept trying to buy something from his store when he refused service. While I would most definitely like your version of Davenport a lot more in real life, he doesn't characteristically stick out as much as the other one. Why? Because he has a HUGE problem that causes him difficulty to associate with different kinds of people.


And number two: I was disappointed with Davenport's big secret. It's not so much that what was revealed was so bad, but that I don't understand his motive as to why he feels so embarrassed about it. I have a hard time believing that somebody would close their window shutters or beg somebody not to talk just over the fact that they write fiction. In fact, Davenport has more incentive to be proud and outspoken about his secret. He wrote Daring Do, for cryin' out loud! I was also expecting it to develop a resistance between having a true relationship with Fluttershy. I kept picturing him with some kind of sexual dysfunction or fetish he obsessively gorged into. But just being a writer? This gives me a sense of disconnection.


In the end, I think his secret should have directly threatened having a true relationship with Fluttershy. You could have possibly wrote more about his history with past mares and his inability to stay with them. To Davenport, Fluttershy could have been enough reason to banish his old ways and emerge as a freed person. Their relationship in this story felt just a little flat.


Regardless of my criticisms, this is still a good story which I favorited when the first chapter came out. I will now be on the lookout for your other stories!

2688719 Thank you! I always have trouble ending my stories. They either ramble on too long or end too abruptly.

Thanks too, for all the comments and encouragement while I worked on the story. It always nice to feel that there is someone cheering you on, and enjoying the read.

2688179 I would never get mad at someone for posting constructive criticism. I am a member of the group Authors Helping Authors specifically to get criticism. Without it, my story writing would never improve. In fact, I am always humbled that someone would take the time to read over my stories, give them a lot of thought, and then take the time to help me.

I agree with your assessment of Davenport. Writing his character was a challenge because I wanted him to be reserved and calm enough to fit well with Fluttershy, yet still have a personality clearly his own.

Coming up with a true conflict for the story proved a bit too much for me. I didn't want Davenport's secret to be too wild, to keep with the Everyone rating. I also feared that a couple of my ideas, such as Rainbow or Rarity making a pass at him, would seem contrived. The result was that this story was relativity drama free and on the sugary sweet side.

Ah, commas. They are the bane of my existence. I have had teachers and professors who apply the American school of commas and the more British school of commas, and thus I am eternally confused as to how to use them properly. I would drive any editor of my works crazy. I keep trying to find a program that will look over a work that can really help me figure out a style, but I have yet to come across one that is worth the effort of installing it. I tend to use the Tolkien method of commas when writing. If it looks like it might need a comma, I throw one in.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, and for liking my story. People like you are the reason that I love to write, and why I keep banging my head against the keyboard till I get things right.

2690065 It becomes easier to place commas when you understand more about phrases, clauses and other sentence parts in English. As my own personal rule, sentences are cleaner and flow easier with fewer commas, but don't take them out where they need to be just because you don't want as many. I highly recommend brushing up on sentence parts and the such.

I've never taken any creative writing classes(nor did I ever really pay much attention in English classes) but I'm still learning an alarming amount of techniques just from being on this site and immersing myself into the community.

In the future, you may think about doing a re-write of this story but in a different style, that way you might have a bit more freedom in deciding what Davenport's big secret really is.

Glad I could help so much!

Very sweet and fun. I loved Davenport and while I was pretty sure I knew the secret it was still great fun seeing how everyone slowly caught on to things. My only beef is the scene with Davenport getting tied up. Aj seems to be the only one worried about Fluttershy. Pinkie is worried he'll break a promise, Dash wants to know what's in the letter, I have no idea why Rarity was there and Twilight didn't seem to care what they were doing, only that they didn't follow the book.

As well what was with Twilight not caring about anything? she doesn't care AJ jumped to conclusions, that Rainbow is being obsessive, that Pinkie is freaking out and that they are assaulting someone who she seems to consider a good friend. The scene just really grated on me, I think it would've felt more plausible if it started with them all being focused on whether he hurt Fluttershy or not and then perhaps as they continue arguing and questioning him things break down and their own motives come to the fore.

Still gets a big thumbs up.:pinkiesmile:

2737869 Sorry, been a little wild around here. I went back over that section of the story, and I completely agree with your suggestion. I adjusted things a little, and made Fluttershy's well being their main concern. I tried to do a little too much with that scene, and it showed. Thanks for the help!

2803937 Oh my gosh!:rainbowderp: Um, you're welcome! I didn't really think you'd agree or do anything or oh my gosh you're welcome!:rainbowkiss::pinkiehappy:

2811017 I love getting feedback like yours. Having weak points in my writing grammar and story wise kindly addressed by people like you is what has helped me become a better writer. You've helped me with a number of my stories, "Sticks and Magical Mysteries" being one of the ones I really ironed on due to your input. (The scene with Angel was way too over the top, as you pointed out. I toned it down, and it fits into the story much better now.) It's always good to have another pair of eyes look over a story. It helps with little mistakes, which I make all the time, and helps even out rough spots in stories. Its flattering that anyone would like and think about my stories enough to point out ways they can be improved. Thanks on several levels!

2817054 *Grins* Well then I'm glad to help and I'll make sure to scrutinize anything you write in future! *Pulls out magnifying glass*

There simply aren't enough stories like this on fimfiction. Sweet, well written, romance with an actual story that is also entertaining is something we need more of.

My only critic, if it could be called that, is that the humor was perhaps not quite punchy enough. By that I mean that the rythym of set up and pay off for your jokes wasn't as strong as it might have been. But this is a minor quible.

Overall, well done!

2863109 Thank you for the feedback! I always enjoy getting comments. It's quite a complement that someone would take the time to think about my story and post about it.

I can't remember the exact quote, but it's something like this: "Comedy is the most difficult thing to write. It requires wit, timing, and skill that other forms of writing does not demand." I have not reached the level that I can write humor confidently. (I'm trying, but I'm not there.) I've been reading more comedy stories, and have picked up a couple of things. (My typical genres to read are romance, adventure, and slice of life.) I hope with my next story, I will be able to integrate some of the things that I have learned to better set my humor up.

Thanks again for the feedback, and take care!

If I was not already following you, this story would have made me start. :twilightsmile:

I'm glad that I found you, I find multiple stories instantly interesting. I like Rare Gems Embracing Shadow the most.

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