Lieutenant Strong is a member of the Celestial Royal Guard. He's been happy with his services to the princess, but he greatly enjoys visiting his friend in Ponyville. His enjoyment of performing his duties for the royal guard, however, may come to an end when he is sent to protect the Crystal Empire from an enemy they know very little about. Will he be able to keep his promise to his friend, or will his last moments be on the battlefield?
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should i read this??? from the description it sounds kinda sad.
2642284 It sounds sad and it's been tagged as sad, but trust me. It's a good read. Not to mention that I wrote most of this in one night. I find that rather impressive, to say the least.
That was quite the nice, hearwarming story, if I do say so myself.
Good work.
Have my Like and Favorite.
((Insert Incomprehensible Babbling Here.)) - Sorin "Kalreas" Kanire
2648122 Wow, thanks! Glad you liked it and thanks for the feedback. It really means a lot to me.
2649476
Feedback?
Eh, I guess someone fairly new to the site would consider that feedback.
I really could go in-depth if you want, and I just might do so since you said that what I wrote earlier was feedback.
2649646 Well I've been on the sight ever since January. I'm not exactly new, but there's still some stuff I could learn about it. Also, I don't have to be familiar with this site in particular to be familiar with feedback. I do have a youtube channel and before I ever posted videos, I've had the channel for over a year now so I could comment on videos and subscribe to people. Basically, the way I see it (though others might disagree) feedback can range from just saying you liked/disliked something to an in-depth review of that same thing. Anything can count as feedback.
Now with the Twilight Sparkle lecture out of the way
, this is also the most feedback I've gotten so far on the story out of everyone who's read it.
2649705
Fair point, and I agree on some points.
However, I'll still give what I can, although I'm not the best at it.
One: It could, personally, use a proof-reader. That however is my personal suggestion, and I'd be happy to oblige, but at the same time, all I really saw were a few missing commas or things of that such and such.
Note: I'm typing this as I'm doing a re-read of the story.
Two:
Here's a good case of what I believe is more tell than show. Which, in some cases, isn't necessarily a bad thing, but here it tells about things that you, or the character, can't see. Sure, it's in the character's memory perhaps, but we don't quite know that, at least I didn't catch it in any of the previous story before-hoof.
Three:
Slight bit of confusion here, but I make the same mistake sometimes. How she knew that Strong would have preferred to "never have to harm another being" would have to be if she was told in the past by him himself. Again, I didn't see anything about this in the previous story sections, but..
It is a new character, and you're trying to flesh her out, make her seem as if she's important to Strong, and that's a good thing in the end. Not saying you did it wrong or bad, but a tad bit confusing to me personally, some may not find it that way.
Four: The bit with the memories that Song displays. It seemed a bit short and rushed, but at the same time it told a longer story in a shorter amount of time than usual. That, in a way, is a good thing, and I'd say that, for the most part, you did good on it.
The only thing I could recommend about that is that you italicize the memory parts. Although, that probably seems harder to do now without slightly changing that bit, or putting it in a new view entirely. It's still fine the way it is, it's still enjoyable, and a nice little story, but at the same time, the entire story is as if you're literally.. reading the notes of someone that was in the story that wrote it all down for memory's sake.
And that's all in good fun.
Five: The past. It's perhaps one of the most heart-warming parts of this story, and the part that ties the beginning to the end, and it's quite well done, although it could be improved slightly. You have your own style of writing, and I respect that.
However, my personal preference is just bothering my point of view on the story, as I've always written past events in italics, and they're separated from the main events in the story itself, but that's always just been my personal, preferred style of writing, and it's what I see a lot of people do. Not hating on your style, I do respect it, and it is a nice change to see, which just makes the story in it's entirety all the better.
Six: The fight. It was written fairly well, we had the view of Strong's eyesight nearly the entire time, from what I read, and the suspense was great. While it did seem long, mundane and not all that special to me at first, this second read has proved me quite wrong. It's basically like the fight in Lord of the Rings at the castle.
It was quite the interesting thing to read if I do say so myself, and I'm not that into long fight scenes when I have to read about the fight. I was, of course, able to watch and enjoy the fight in LotR because, well, it's an amazing movie, and it was what it was; a movie.
When it comes to reading text fight, imagination takes a strong hold of the situation, and it's quite the adventure if the reader takes the time to discover everything. So, in all, the fight scene was also, in my opinion, fairly well done.
Seven: The ending. The suspense with the delay of Strong coming from the train was a brilliant idea, instead of just having a cheesy romantic reunion. The emotions that Song expresses while she waits are exactly what you would come to expect from anyone in that situation.
All In All: The story was fleshed out for it being a one-shot, the past that was shared between the two ponies' points of views were interesting, and the style of writing was, yet again, an interesting and fun way of writing a story, considering the hundreds I've read already.
So, on my list, you very much deserve my Like and Favorite, as well as my rarely-given reviews.
I hope this helps, and by any means, I did not mean offense, nor did I mean to appear to be criticizing your story. I find a difference between "Review" and "Criticize".
Again, all in all, on my scale, you win:
Eight out of ten Happy Applejacks. Enjoy your time here, and again, I hope I helped.
((Insert Incomprehensible Babbling Here.)) - Sorin "Kalreas" Kanire
2650290 Thanks again! I really do enjoy the feedback, whether it's good or bad or if it's just a like or dislike or if it's an elaborate review. Anything is good, because that means I was at least able to get my reader to think about the story while reading or re-reading it. I do feel personally that I was a little shaky at the start, but it is my first story, after all. Chances are I'll get better with more practice.
I actually haven't read the Return of the King, which I have yet to do, and it's been months since I've read the other two in the series. I'm assuming that's the book that fight scene you referred to takes place in.
I was actually overjoyed to hear you comparing my writing to Tolkien's, considering that he is one of my favorite authors, and is easily my favorite fantasy author.
I apologize it some parts were a little confusing, but that's just the way I write. I want my stories to test the brain, but not be too high on the scale to make the reader drop reading it before they get too far into it. Also, I tend to have great influence from whatever book I last read. In this case, it was A Tale of Two Cities. I get slight influence from the level of reading/writing it was, as well as the overall style of it. It's not a strong influence, but influence nonetheless.
I have actually been writing a full epic to be stretching over multiple parts ever since February, and that was influenced by Warriors (author: Erin Hunter). Looking back, though, I think I need to rewrite most of it. But before I get there, I have another story in mind that I told a friend that I would write.
Also, I like to hide messages through symbols in my writing. Just a few easter eggs for the hardcore reader/egghead. For instance,
was a reference to Loyalty by Acoustic Brony and Mando Pony, because that's probably my favorite song of all time and happened to be going through my head at the time.
Another example that's harder to pick out and can only really be noticed as symbolic unless the reader is actually looking for it, would be the way Strong is named throughout the story. If you look, you can see that the proper nouns used to refer to him, refer to him as either "Strong," "Lieutenant Strong," or "Stand Strong." Also, notice how frequently these are used in respect to refer to him. I didn't realize I was doing this at the time, but that's a personal reference to the way a person can be named and under what circumstances a certain name is used. Also, notice that the number of names that refer to him is the number 3. That's one of my favorite numbers, as well as one I saw as personal and highly symbolic before 6 overtook that (6 Elements of Harmony and all). There's probably a ton more that I completely forgot about putting in there, but it's really just put in there for fun and to humor myself while I wrote it.
Otherwise, thanks for the awesome feedback and I hope you have an enjoyable time as you read others' stories, or possibly write your own.
2650695
I'm glad that you took it so well, and I'm happy to see that someone else likes to throw in references to their own little plans, or what's going through their head.
That's a nice thing.
It sounds like we could both receive help from each other, as well as give each other ideas, or just speak as we write.
Is there somewhere I'm going with this? Yes.
Just bluntly: Yes.
We should talk sometime on Skype. Name's Kalreas on there, and I'm open to any and all contact requests.. as long as I know who it is.
Why am I saying this? Well, because:
One: I've been looking for a fellow beginning author to talk to.
Two: I've always wanted to have a conversation with someone that I've given a review to, as my reviews are extremely rare.
Three: I have to hear people's voices when I talk to them, else they have video game character voices.
So, if you accept, I'll know.
If you don't, I'll know.
Or you can just tell me flat out.
And yes, I'm a strange person.
((Insert Incomprehensible Babbling Here.)) - Sorin "Kalreas" Kanire
2650766 I would love to talk with you on Skype. As of now I don't have one, but I'm going to get one very soon as you are one of multiple requests I have gotten to talk with on Skype. I'll be sure to put you on my list of people to contact through Skype.
I am not going to write down an entire review, because you have already received that. Still not holding my back to peak my words about it though. It's a good story, has a couple flaws on the grammatical department, but other then that...why didn't I read this before again?
And now, allow me to show you my reaction to the story through a GIF.
s0.jrnl.ie/media/2013/05/slow-clap.gif
2750257 Glad you could get around to reading this. On the point of the errors, usually I'm pretty good at picking those out, but this was my first time writing fanfiction as well as the first time I successfully wrote and completed a story. I did know ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to see all the errors, so I have picked a few of my friends to look over them as proofreaders before I publish them. This one wouldn't have been posted without having gone through each one of them if there hadn't been a deadline for it. There was a deadline because this was a contest entry for the Equestria Daily Flash Fanfiction contest for memorial day. All other stories I do in the future, unless they are a contest entry, will not be posted until I'm positive that it gets checked off by everyone. This won't take away all the errors, but it'll certainly make them better.
Anyways, glad you could get around to reading it and that you enjoyed it. I've currently got a few more stories waiting in a queue for me to write and the next one will be a story I told someone I would write for them based off of their inspiration from the song Warrior by Carbon Maestro. After that one, I have a story in mind for a few more OCs.
2750668
I have to admit, it is an interesting story behind the story. And it is often that story that is more interesting then the actual story (say that 10 times fast). Having others, actual other human beings read your work often works better then doing it all on your own. What you get then, are my works. Or most of them anyway.
I truly enjoyed the story for what it is and i can't wait what your mind is going to come up next with actually. For you can take a song, but the execution becomes something entirely unexpected.
Wow! You did a great job with this story! So touching and strong! I can tell you worked hard on this story! Excellent job! *Thumbs up*