• Member Since 26th May, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 16th, 2018

lordcurly972


T

Rainbow Dash wakes up outside a razed Rainbow Factory, and can't seem to remember anything that happened that morning. Not only does she some how have to unravel the mystery of what happened to the factory, but there might be something far more dangerous dwelling inside her.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 40 )

Interesting..... I'm getting a Spider-Man/Venom vibe going here

What's with the badly drawn pictures?

2652984 Just trying to add illustrations to the story, I'm sorry if they offended you.

2653265 how can poorly drawn pictures offend me? :rainbowhuh: there just rubbish and they kinda show laziness :ajbemused:
If you have to show a scene with pictures, it makes your writing look like crap, which it isn't

2653317 I'm not meaning to show laziness or anything of the sort, these picture are just drawings I can bang it in short amount of time, that way I can get the story up faster. And I thank you for letting me know, I mean it. Ive been waiting on someone to give me an honest opinion on my drawings. I will try and get a better program to do them in and make them to where they don't upset the balance of my story. Thanks again:scootangel:

2653317 I also like the idea of a story having illustrations, i love to draw, so while im writing i get to do two things i love at once

2653651 well try to put the pics at the beggining or end of the chapter, becuase then it doesn't jar the reader

2653658 Will do, thanks again for your honesty:pinkiehappy:

Honest opinion time!

The first two chapters barely gave anything away, and if it wasn't for the fact that I had already downloaded the story to my E-Reader, I would've probably stopped right there.

BUT! then came chapter three and oooh boy, it was awesome! RD turning into a psychopath to destroy everything just because? That could become a very good story and I'm looking forward to it! :twilightsmile:

To add to the cover image debate... yeah, it is very bad in contrast with the story and it certainly doesn't deserve to get this false first impression. You could probably go ask some artist to make a simple but better recreation of it; some vector stuff or something.

"I would really hate to cut this magic lesson short, but I have something evil dwelling inside me that we kind of need to get rid of," I said grabbing Twilights hoof to fly off.
"You must've had the Belly Buster from Taco Chime, I feel your pain sister," the worker called out after me.

Don't you mean Taco Belle? :rainbowlaugh: that place's meat was more horse than beef

Well, this gets interesting with every chapter I finish reading!

There's only one small request I have: Fix your punctuation. For some reason you put quotations after the comma, instead of after the space. It's not a big deal, but it messes with the reading flow a little.

What you write:
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight called out," you have to stop; this isn't you!"

What it should be:
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight called out, "you have to stop; this isn't you!"

"What the hoof!" she shouted, avoiding death by only a few seconds

That's like me shouting out "WHAT THE HAND!" :ajbemused:

she flew trough Sugar Cube Corner this morning

Should be through

2680667 The "What the hoof", was used in the Canterlot Wedding episode except she said, "Who the hoof."

2681033 but that means "who the foot/hand" :rainbowhuh: could you at least change it to heck or something that makes sense?

"But I don't know if I could tussle with Rainbow," Fluttershy stated timidly, "it goes against my pacifistic code, not to mention my code of friendship."

That is so un-Fluttershy :facehoof:
Try
"But I don't know if I could fight Rainbow," Fluttershy stated timidly, "She's stronger and faster than me. I would never come close to beating her.."

Fluttershy wouldn't say 'tussle' that's more AJ's thing, plus all that code crap? really? We're you struggling to think of things for her to say?

Oh and that picture at the begining makes RD and Twi look fat....

Ah, it's good to have you back! I must admit, I was worried you abandoned this story.

The character transition of Dash could've been a bit more detailed. I mean, for a bunch of chapters she's a heartless monster but gets back to normal only because of Scootaloo?

Well, let's see what the future will bring. Also, no problem about the lack of illustration, if you say you couldn't think of anything. Those are basically not more than a nice bonus anyway. :)

I really liked this chapter but I didn't get the last part :twilightoops:

2751895 Sorry, I left out what Rainbow wanted the officer to do for her. :derpytongue2: It's fixed now though

Why do you torture us so?:applecry:

What? :rainbowhuh: It is that, as in Spider man appeared Venom. That is Venom dash or what? :applejackunsure:

2809897 I'm sorry I don't understand the question.

And so this journey concludes, at least for now. Awesome end, although a pretty great cliff hanger. I'm hoping the sequel won't take too long to arrive. :ajsmug:

2810498 you don't know who venom is? :pinkiegasp: he's like SpiderMan but not completely useless

2811061 No, I know who venom is. And after thinking back on it, this story is a lot like that. Whoops.

LOL :rainbowlaugh:yeah maybe you're right we will keep up to date with the event.

Omg. Last chapter when they tried to give her a life sentence in jail I got reall really upset and yelled out how unfair that was and when Scootaloo lowered it to 10 I was still very upset, but I quickly cooled off. But then when there was the part where they figured out what had caused the explosion in the factory and no pony got punished because it was an accident, I got very, very angry. Because that "accident" made Rainbow go all evil, so wouldn't that be an accident to and Dash would be innocent? She didn't choose to destroy her home, her friends' home, it was that glob's fault. This was just a cliche I found, it just doesn't fit together like it should.
Just my angry thoughts.
This is a good story though.

I was angry last two chapters for Rainbow going to jail that long. So if Scootaloo's alright, if she doesn't go to jail, I will hunt you down and have a little chat with you! The think that's contaminating Scootaloo, had the same hold on Rainbow Dash so celestia be darned if Scoots is found innocent then I will be mad!
Sorry for my anger message I swear I will not find out where you live, it's just my message.

5642769 Its alright, I tried writing a sequel to this story long ago called Army of Shadows, but canceled it. Still, if you liked this one, you can that one out if you want (what's written of it anyways).

5643040 I'm good. I'm still kinda upset that this didn't make ant sense. The way Dash went to jail even though everone knew she was under control and Twi brought it up too.

5643051 OK, sorry it upset you. I just felt that the whole "I wasn't in control, so let's excuse all the damage that is done and live happily ever after" thing had been done to death.

5643070 Yeah I guess. Sorry for my rambling I guess I just don't know how to handle my feels espicially when my favourite character gets thrown in jail like that. I mean I loved the action of it, I did honest and that's why it's in my favourites. But I put thumbs down . . . . Now if Dash was doing this on perpose I could understand the whole 10 years in jail thing.
I'm sorry, if you kinda hate me and my rambling right now I just . . . . Nevermind I'll be quiet know.

5643080 I don't hate you, I'm glad for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

Down vote says it all. Can't believe there are those that think this is worthy fiction.

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