Father used to always tell me that one of the keys to being a good ruler and an organized pony was to keep a journal. So, like a good little filly, I did exactly as he asked. Books upon books I filled up with random musings and other small tidbits of information that I didn't realize nopony would really care about.
At least until He came into my life. Suddenly, the journal I had never used too seriously took on a whole new meaning. It became my best friend, my confidante. Now, it is a way to remember the good times after so many bad.
My name is Cadenza, forever branded as the one who lost the Crystal Empire. This journal is both my warning, and my confession.
Part one of the Heart Trilogy
Cover art by the amazing TheCrash
Chapters (3)
So far this is a wonderfully detailed story. I look forward to updates!
I finally got around to reading this. I liked it. I liked it a lot.
First off, the writing itself is very good. The descriptions and portrayals of Cadence's feelings felt very real and were very pleasant to read. The voice of the story was fantastic and felt very much like it was Cadence telling us a story rather than a writer.
The only problem I had with it was that, through some passages, I found myself relatively bored with the description, but that is only because of the story itself. It's good that it took it slow and wasn't rushed, but not everything needed to be said, despite the fact that they are the things Cadence would experience. At some parts, I found myself reading on because of interest rather than investment.
The only other thing is Sombra's rather vague character, but I'm sure that's intentional. Unless I turn into ultimate nitpick mode, there's nothing else that I didn't like about what you have done so far. You did a great job, and I look forward to what will happen next. I would say more or make what I'm saying clearer, but phones make commenting less than pleasant.
2642960
A lot of that has to do with the style. I was playing around with a stream of consciousness-esque style, which if you don't know what that is, it's focused less on narrative insights and plot points, some things have to be inferred by the reader. Because of that, the story is told almost as if you are in the mind of the character. While it aids the characterization of that one character, it is a double edged sword in how it diminished the traits of others.
Also, this part of the trilogy was focused mostly on Cadence, so that probably didn't help anything.
2643007
Yeah, I figured that was intentional. That seems to be a drawback with the style; it gets a lot of words out there, but not all of them are needed. Anyway, it was a great story and the style fit it well. The only real problems with it come from the style itself, which can't be fixed in any way without completely changing the direction of the story. It was very well executed.
And here's a Stream of Consciousness
Finally finished this part.
I loved it.
I loved it a lot.
Probably tied for my favorite story from you with Last Hope.
.... I now feel the need to review this story in my next "Sonic Reviews"....
Of course, I'll need to read "Part the Second" and the Epilogue.
Nice job, dude!
Just finished this part.
.... Not quite as good as the first part.... but God, that cliffhanger. Y U DO DIS?!?!
Ah, well. Time to read the Epilogue.
And that wraps up this amazing story.
.....
God dammit, Elfy. Why do you always entrance me with your work, and then when I finish it, I'm always left wanting more (....That's what she said....?)?
As of now, I'll give this story a.... Not a five out of five, but not a four out of five, either. It'shard to judge this one.
This will definitely be my next review.
-Sonic
Oh that cliffhanger!
Part of me almost wanted Cadence's mother to die before the wedding, as I have seen this happen in my line of wedding work. I have seen brides do small dedications to passed relatives that have been beautiful.
I look forward to seeing the story continue!
Again, I liked the writing style of the first two chapters. This felt a little different, and somewhat out of place. I would have liked to get more of a feel of loss from Cadence, especially since her home is gone and she is about to face the unknown. It was good to see it wrap up though!
2659555
Later. There are still two more stories. There will be more, promise.
Sorry it took me so long to get around to finishing this.
The imagery is great and it was nice to read. It was a great conclusion to this first installment. My previous comment still applies to much of the story. The only thing new that I really feel I can point out is Sombra and the ending. The way he revealed his nefarious plot and what he was doing felt rather forced. It was that cliche evil villain monologue which just didn't fit right. The only other thing is Celestia doing the good guy version of such, telling a story of what happened without much action in the meantime.
That's all I've got. Sorry I can't think of anything more at the moment. Can't wait for more stuff!
2670927
There was... probably some reasoning behind that, but it escapes me now. I think it falls along the lines of there was no way to make it go the way we wanted with what we had without a major rewrite of most of the chapter. I took what I had and rolled with it, and I think that, despite the cliches, it didn't turn out too bad.
ON another note, come edit shit for me. I hate editing videos.
2671020
I have no skills in the visual arts, unfortunately. You're on your own with those videos.
2671026
Have you watched any of the stuff? There really isn't much to it.
2671052
I've watched the Torchlight videos, yes. It seems simple enough, but I'm also very lazy.
I was expecting a very emotional ending here xD
You seemed rushed, though, as you have not really given the point of view in the battle between Sombra and whoever opposed him(Was it the Princess?)
I thought it would likely have been like this:
"Sorry, Cadence..." Sombra managed to say before he had turned completely out of control. A tear streaked down his muzzle, a sad smile formed-- another time he mouthed a hurtful sorry while he battled the reigning force of evil. Suddenly, his features changed and his looks were more intimidating. His red eyes were covered in green in its side, darkness of the violet hue had escaped his eyelids. Sombra was gone... Now, it was King Sombra....
"Sombra! Do you really wish to do this?!" Celestia shouted. However, she was replied with a chilling laugh.
"Who is this Sombra you speak of, dear Princess? I am not Sombra, for I am KING Sombra!!!" The stallion laughed heartily-- laughed in an evil demeanor
.Or something alike. TEEHEE. Now I am not wondering why Cadence hated Sombra on the day the Crystal Kingdom appeared :p
3782116
Well, you see, this story is written primarily in limited first person view. I can't show whatever battle may have occurred, because Cadence was passed the fuck out. No narrator = no story.
And honestly, it's been so long since I've looked at it, I don't remember many of the fine details. However, I can tell you that Cadence hated Sombra, in this universe, because he sort of kind of killed her parents, tried to kill her, and took over her country.
3782523 Muffins.
3782116 Cupcakes.
3782523 Makes sense :p
But I was half expecting an awesome fight-to-the-death shit xD
Since you know, we could always switch a point of view... Well, not that I didn't like it, the story's cool.
3782570 Of course... what else? xD
3785207
We're actually debating on writing the second part of the trilogy right now. If you have some time, could I ask you to come vote on something? Handy-dandy link
3785207 Apples.
3785641
God damn it, Cloudy, get out of here!
3785649
3785640 Gladly. However, I'm being tortured of choosing between OctaScratch and Shining X Cadence... You cruel author xD
But I'd have to choose OctaScratch for a change... but the 2nd one's awesome too T^T
xD Choices.
3785641 Books
3785661 Clothing.
3785662 Tricks
3785668 Scooter.
3785671 Derp
3785674 Clouds.
3785677 Troll
3785678 Animals.
3785679 Mustache
3785679
3785682
*gets the biggest stick he owns*
Going to murder both of you
3785687 Photos.
3785682 Squeaks.
3785687
TEEHEE xD
But it'll be my last comment anyways since I'm running out of creative comments.
Such Sad
So Tears
Much Cry
Very Down
Really Whine
The premise reminds me of that Charlotte Doyle book.
3897550 Uh, explain and inform please?
3897563 'Kay. The book's called "The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle." It's a about a girl from 1832 who boards a ship called the Seahawk. Her father had to move to America, but he wanted his daughter, Charlotte, to finish school first, so she was going to travel alone. But, he arranged for some other families to be on with her. Her father told her to keep a journal to tell him what happened. The crew members warned her about going on, saying that it was a bad idea. Yet, she didn't want to disappoint her father, so she went on anyway. The crew members wear dirty, ripped up clothes and the ship looks rather old. Right away, an old man working on the ship goes up to her and asks her to be his friend. He says that he needs a friend to be there for him if he dies on the ship. He then gives her a knife, saying that she needs it because it's dangerous aboard their ship. She quickly befriends the captain, the only civilized one on board. He tells her that she needs to inform him if anything bad happens with his crew. He says that they may start a riot. He then shows her his collection of guns. She, frightened beyond belief, walks away and ends up once again talking to that old man, Zacharia. He says that the captain isn't to be trusted because he is not what he seems. He abused his crew members and cut off one's arm for doing something he didn't like. He says that everyone on board planned to start a riot and kill the captain, or at least make his surrender. Another crew member asks for a needle and she, being the helpful person she is, went to their quarters to get one. She hears whispering behind the door, talking about their revenge plans. She knocks anyway and is let in. Everyone pretends to be asleep. She goes to the crew member's chest to get the needle and finds a gun. In her panic, she stumbles back, hitting a pieces of paper off its resting place. She puts it back, but sees that it's a round robin, something signifying allegiance during a protest. She reports her findings to the captain. He gets his guns and goes outside onto the deck. The crew also comes out, holding knifes, guns and other weapons. The one whose arm was cut off quickly gets shot. He then asks Charlotte who she wants to have die first. She doesn't answer. He chooses Zacharia and then ties him up and orders his first mate to whip him, 50 lashes. Charlotte doesn't want him to hurt him, so after a few hits she shoves him and takes the whip. While this is happening she accidentally hits the captain with it, cutting his cheek. Now, just to make you really sad, I'm not going to tell you what happens after this point. This is about halfway through the story. Also, this ties in with this story because the whole time she keeps a journal. It starts as just a diary, but ends up being what she confesses all of her fears to and keeps track of things in.
3897664
The only wall of text allowed around here are my stories. tl;dr
3897667 Feel free to delete the comment.
3897664 Nice wall of text there. I haven't seen one that big in all my years.
I'm just messing with you.
3897683
I could've made paragraphs, but I'm lazy, so you get a wall of text.
More, please!
Found this buried deep (okay, maybe not that deep) within my bookshelves and remembered how much I loved it. I see you're still around, and if you ever decide that you're going to be continuing with the other parts of this story, you'll always have one reader here.