My life was simple, I lived alone, had a good job, very few friends, and my guns.
My names Matt. Matt Hewson, small time Mercenary without a care in the world. I lived day by day working all over the world, fighting in wars for money. My most recent job, Locate Haliaf Al Hassim, a Terrorist leader that has been causing trouble for the locals of Ta'if, Saudi Arabia. Simple job, into the Hell hole that is Saudi Arabia, hunt a man down, go home. But, things never go as planned, especially when I find myself in a forest.
Question is, Where am I? How did I get here? And how do I get back?
Chapters (4)
I... do not usually partake in (Insert Military Unit Class) type of HiE fics, seeing as they are so numerous. Seeing as the protaginist is listed as Mercenary makes it all the more generic and difficult for me to like this story.
Grammar and spelling need work. Plot is fair, but overused. You are free to continue, but I suggest you make changes if you want this to become even moderately popular.
2627021I thank you for the feed back sir. I know the plot is pretty generic, but I wanted to try my hand at this type of fic. I know my spelling and grammar need work, I'm not the best at writing, but that's why I'm creating works of fiction. To get better. It would be greatly appreciated if anyone could point out errors so I can fix and see what I did wrong.
As for the Mercenary thing, I've seen a lot of Military HiE fics, but never a Merc one. I must be looking in the wrong places...But anyway, thanks again for your input.
2627086 No problem.
Like most of these story you focus too much on useless détails and don't describe anything usefull to help the readers picturing the scene.
Is it really necessary to describe every piece of gear this CS-like main character got ? I'm pretty sure it's not usefull at all.
Use of this camo pattern in a desert settings ? No use at all, but it's convenient because the MC land in a forest :
And after that, why the MC want the birds to shut up ? Chirping birds mean no predator lurking, while silent birds mean the contrary. So when the MC made the birds shut up, he have alerted everything of his presence, a silent forest is NOT a good sign.
Then he kill a warthog and think eating it is a good thing ? What kind of merc react like this in a foreign and unknow country ? Did you know that killing and dressing any animal on the field is not advised to remain hidden ? That's a reason there is MRE and the like, pack all the energy needed, don't leave much scent and is easy to dispose off ( you keep the package in a bag ).
Killing and dressing an animal in the field make a bloody mess, attract predators, leave a carcass and make you smell of blood and visceras for a while. Not to mention you need a fire ( smoke, light and scent ) to eat it. And for most animals you need to prepare them right ( you need to cut the balls of male deer fast after a kill, or else the whole meat taste like piss ).
The MC is who, Rambo ?
2628141Well, thank you for the tips. As for the things you pointed out, The birds chirping and eating the Warthog, the MC is not a survival expert, so he wouldn't know. As for the fire, he's looking for people so getting noticed wouldn't be much of a problem for him. He just wants to find someone and find out where he is. The MRE's, like the Ghille suit, it seems I forgot to put in more detail as to why he has/doesn't have them.
The MRE's were with Nick, Nick is now dead, no MRE's.
The Dark Green/Black Ghille suit, it helps at night. Being in a desert environment, you don't really have a need for a Ghille suit during the day if you have some sort or desert camo. Same can be said for at night, but dessert camo during the night, tends to slightly stand out to the trained eye. So having some sort of alternate, without another set of BDU's is welcome. As to why it's green and black instead of a dark desert pattern, it's the only one he had. I meant there to be some dialog as to why he had it, but I left it out on accident.
If the MC was in the Everfree, it would serve more purpose. But he's in White Tail, (to me) everything in it is peaceful and bright. So dark things would stand out during the day.
The MC is NOT a PMC or Soldier, so he doesn't act like one. He's a Mercenary. Most are hot headed, untrained dumbasses who only care about money. And some are Para-military trained guns for hire. The MC is somewhere in between, he has training, but lacks in survival skills.
Thanks for the Feed-back. You seem to know your stuff, and it is appreciated when you point stuff out.
Another advice, what attract the eyes when dealing with equestrian ponies ? They are COLORFUL.
Reread your whole scene with the two fillies, you didn't even describe them ! Even if they don't show anymore in the story you need to describe them, so the readers can pictures them, and you can build the MC reaction better, because the things bursting out of the bushe are impossibly colorful to be natural.
Not bad...I like it and look forward to more.
Hmm, so Luna will be the only one being able to talk to him.
This should be fun.
well well i hope this turns out good
Why did you stop updating?
2918554 I'm still working on it. I hit a mental bloke. The stuff I've wrote down so far isn't flowing right for me. I might just scrap the chapter and rewrite it when I get home. But be assured! I'm still working on this!
Hm... This has much potential and should be continued, I do believe you have writers block from your previous comment to Unibeef. Anyway I wish you luck in getting past it and continuing the story
wicked story mate
very good story so far.
can't wait to read the next chapter.
Next Chapter?
ha i made a story it was like this but it was about a earth dieng we leave to kepler 22b and a neoutron star kills the planet we find equis make peace but that damned neoutron star is coming in 75 years our old ship crashed we build to save humanity and ponykind
oh is this going were i think its going clopfiiiiiiic
this needs updates!
Update
Update?