• Member Since 6th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

BleedingRaindrops


Just a critic who happens to write about pastel colored magical talking ponies

T

Derpy is plagued by nightmares of an event that happened to her so long ago it has all but faded from her memory. As she desperately clings to reality, a storm rages within the deep recesses of her mind, and it is all she can do to just remember who she is.

Cover image by viwrastupr

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

Oh wow. That got some serious amplitude with the feels AND the plot late game. Nicely done. In concept though, I have to put in my feedback that I was pretty severely bored for the beginning stretch.

For one, there's very little of what I saw as important information for the start. The blow by blow sets up a scene with Jack and a upset Derpy with memory problems. That's good. Next we get Ditzy, who is supposedly NOT the daughter of Derpy at first and has some sort of sick mom and wants to give a present. Good.

Then the hospital. In concept alone, that was very interesting, almost Asylum like with the reader and Derpy not knowing what is real. Otherwise in execution, it was ridiculously dry. Eating soup is not entertaining at all and the interaction had nothing important. There needed to be s scene there, but it was just dull. Scenes seem to follow this pattern right after for a while, and if it weren't you I were reading about, I would have dropped this midway through as no plot was actually getting established and we kept seemingly nothing in terms of information.

It picked up again right when Derpy seemingly hit her head with Jack at the hill. That gave solid information about what may have happened so I got back the sense of progress in finding out about a plot. Then we talk to Parcel with a puzzle. Good because it gave info about one of the possible worlds as well as showed how she has the memory of a goldfish, which is both adorable and sad, but otherwise not a whole lot of "heat" there. I wanted clues, got them, but didn't really care that much about things beyond my own curiosity at this point.

Didn't care about Dinky and Dirk in next scene. Just didn't. Considered putting this down yet again due to that, but sure, it was needed info and wasn't long.

FINALLY, we turn around get something huge with the parcel from...parcel. That had tons of implications as well as tons of those luscious feels. That single-handedly saved everything in one stroke.

So, given what I've seen, I would say this is due for a sever trimming. Maybe work on one main world that's interesting and flash to the others just a little to only give very important clues and not for any other reason. I like that there a whopping 3 possibilities here but they sometimes interupt one another to say nothing, if that makes any sense.

Anyways, good writing. I sent you some corrections.

Poor shell shocked Derpy... I look forward to seeing what parts of her fractured memory are real and what aren't.

2640056
*drools*
Ohmygosh thankyou.:raritystarry:

I sent this off to EqD so I'll see if I can fix that scene up a bit but I think you missed the point a little. The purpose of that scene was to establish a relationship with Parcel. He knew what her favorite soup was. He knew she liked muffins. It demonstrated that she'd seen him before and didn't remember, and it sets up the idea of her amnesia, which makes it easier to focus more on the important details in the next scene with Parcel and Derpy.

In the scene with the puzzle--as you said--it gave clues, but there wasn't a lot of heat. There's a reason for that. You can't keep the intensity of the story up for too long. There has to be a lull in the action, or the next "hot" scene will seem lackluster. Think of a japanese horror videogame. If they kept throwing monsters and monsters at you--without a break--each one would have to be bigger and badder to keep the suspense up. But by adding a lull in between action scenes, they let you drop your guard, so that when the next monster jumps from behind a corner, it startles you and amps up the intensity, rather than struggling to create something huge.

2644117

I understand the dynamic you're going for, and yes, the soup scene did give important information, but that didn't stop it from feely awkward and dull. I'm just saying. Not a whole lot of moments there where I was like "Whoa! No way!" and stuff, you know? You need big implications when you build, or build faster, probably trim it is my advice, and possibly tone down the description of eating the soup.

Honestly, it could just be my preference to crank things to eleven every time there's a chance, but I thought you didn't capitalize on enough "heat" anywhere but when she slipped and hit her head, pieces of remembering parcel (the person. That gave interesting implications and I was happy an' stuff), and the final thing with the parcel from...parcel (that was heavy). Everything else felt too vague, even if it did have important things.

2644332
Well, I could try to defend my story, but doing so would require me explaining (and ruining) the mystery I've got going here. I'll take your advice into account when I work on the story tonight, though. Trimming sounds like a good idea. I'm very curious to see at which point you figure it out.:scootangel:

2640056
I've since read Asylum, and I agree with you now. This was boring, not well thought out, and needs a huge rewrite. Reading Daemon of Decay's (unfinished :raritydespair:) masterpiece put me in the mind to finally come back to this, so perhaps there will be an update in the next month or so.

Whoa! Three years of writing will sure give you some perspective. It's crazy how much detail I left out when I made this. Hopefully I'll get around to finishing it someday.

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