I got to say that this is pretty good, I like the two main characters, as a In medias res start of the story I do like how Hero's past is slowly being peaced together.
that said, I do have one nitpick on this; your characters know words for things that they don't know. For one, they would not know to call a ghoul a ghoul, a character like Misty would probably stick to calling it a zombie, as for a character like Hero, she would probably see a ghoul as walking bad meat. Well truth be told Hero could know anything you want her to know, but so far she seems to know very little. But for Misty, a Stable Pony who had just left the sable, she would know very little about anything in the wasteland, unless there had be others who had scouted out, and gave her what they learned.
5381948 Thanks for enjoying the story, and you do raise a good point. I may have to jump into one of the older chapters and add a little something something to explain that the stable had been sending out scouts for a little while. I will also look at re-editing this chapter to help differentiate between her using both Zombie and Ghoul to mean the same thing, and afterwards when shes learned the difference and she uses just Ghoul. (They may have had Pony versions of Zombie Apocalyptic Fiction in the stables? Wonder what the pony version of World War Z was like?). Hero is fun to write, I want her to be more emotionally innocent than mentally innocent. Her faculties have been running on almost mindless instinct, and now shes getting to be more... mindfull? mindfullness? But the Bad Food was more a pun than an outright statement on the inedibility of Tidbit. The previous chapter, Hero made a comment that as a friend, Hero considered Misty to be inedible, even if she was dead. So to be bad meat, you had to be, well, dead for a few days and starting to go rotten... or a friend.
5382697 well for the zombie/ghoul thing, in the show Spike dose mention zombie ponies, so on that aspect ponies would have a concept of zombies that may have survived in the stables. And because it was Spike that brought it up, I'd go with it being from comic books, and that the stable may have had a one or two comic books that had zombie ponies in it. On the Fallout side, zombies were more used as a racist slur that was fallowed with "Shoot them in the head"
I look forwarded to seeing more of the two, though from what I've read, having the perceptions shift is not that easy, as you have to change your typing style to mach each characters personality and thought patterns. worked well in Pink Eye, but not as well in A Heart of Steel.
So quite the plotbomb thrown down on us out of the blue with the info of this story being sat after the day of sunshine and rainbows. Up until we learned that the alicorn was alone had we not gotten a single sign of this being after Pips victory, throwing some sunshine and descriptors about how warm and sunny it was could have been a nice way of telling the reader that this isn't the bleak grey and brown wasteland that we are used to from so many other stories. Without something being said do I automaticly expect that a story is sat before Pip, and I think that others have the same view as well, so would be nice if you had the time to go back and add in some info here and there so we know where on the timeline we are.
Nitpicks: ",she could see the segmented armour of the changeling’s chest rise and fall;" You forgot a space in the beginning, and should use a normal comma in the end.
"and I thought that….." five periods... You are hurting me!
"Magic enveloped the weapon in her jaws and levitated it too her side." It should be to here, you can see why in this guide
Wow its alive, i don't even remember how last chapter ended
your doing good coffee keep up the excellent writing
imageshack.com/a/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg
‘HERO! FRIEND! BAD FOOD!”
You have no idea how much this line made me laugh.
5367168 You have no idea how much I giggled writing it
I got to say that this is pretty good, I like the two main characters, as a In medias res start of the story I do like how Hero's past is slowly being peaced together.
that said, I do have one nitpick on this; your characters know words for things that they don't know. For one, they would not know to call a ghoul a ghoul, a character like Misty would probably stick to calling it a zombie, as for a character like Hero, she would probably see a ghoul as walking bad meat. Well truth be told Hero could know anything you want her to know, but so far she seems to know very little. But for Misty, a Stable Pony who had just left the sable, she would know very little about anything in the wasteland, unless there had be others who had scouted out, and gave her what they learned.
5381948 Thanks for enjoying the story, and you do raise a good point. I may have to jump into one of the older chapters and add a little something something to explain that the stable had been sending out scouts for a little while. I will also look at re-editing this chapter to help differentiate between her using both Zombie and Ghoul to mean the same thing, and afterwards when shes learned the difference and she uses just Ghoul. (They may have had Pony versions of Zombie Apocalyptic Fiction in the stables? Wonder what the pony version of World War Z was like?).
Hero is fun to write, I want her to be more emotionally innocent than mentally innocent. Her faculties have been running on almost mindless instinct, and now shes getting to be more... mindfull? mindfullness? But the Bad Food was more a pun than an outright statement on the inedibility of Tidbit. The previous chapter, Hero made a comment that as a friend, Hero considered Misty to be inedible, even if she was dead. So to be bad meat, you had to be, well, dead for a few days and starting to go rotten... or a friend.
5382697 well for the zombie/ghoul thing, in the show Spike dose mention zombie ponies, so on that aspect ponies would have a concept of zombies that may have survived in the stables. And because it was Spike that brought it up, I'd go with it being from comic books, and that the stable may have had a one or two comic books that had zombie ponies in it. On the Fallout side, zombies were more used as a racist slur that was fallowed with "Shoot them in the head"
I look forwarded to seeing more of the two, though from what I've read, having the perceptions shift is not that easy, as you have to change your typing style to mach each characters personality and thought patterns. worked well in Pink Eye, but not as well in A Heart of Steel.
5348672 XD i can't stop laughing at that
5432397 My job here is done!
Does hero sound like stitch to anypony else?
So quite the plotbomb thrown down on us out of the blue with the info of this story being sat after the day of sunshine and rainbows. Up until we learned that the alicorn was alone had we not gotten a single sign of this being after Pips victory, throwing some sunshine and descriptors about how warm and sunny it was could have been a nice way of telling the reader that this isn't the bleak grey and brown wasteland that we are used to from so many other stories. Without something being said do I automaticly expect that a story is sat before Pip, and I think that others have the same view as well, so would be nice if you had the time to go back and add in some info here and there so we know where on the timeline we are.
Nitpicks:
",she could see the segmented armour of the changeling’s chest rise and fall;" You forgot a space in the beginning, and should use a normal comma in the end.
"and I thought that….." five periods... You are hurting me!
"Magic enveloped the weapon in her jaws and levitated it too her side." It should be to here, you can see why in this guide