Twilight is getting increasingly frustrated at being unable to figure out how Pinkie's Pinkie Sense works, so she decides to observe Pinkie more closely this time.
Over time, she learns an important lesson: "if you seek, you shall find, but will it be what you are looking for?"
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Hmm. Good. Good. Also, "Pinkie" not "Pinky"
Other than that 4.5
Ah, I DO love this ship to death. I kinda wish I hadn't read the plot synopsis, because it almost ruins the surprise. But I suppose that since this seems a common enough premise (Twilight trying to study Pinkie more, usually ending up in her learning something important), I don't think I would have had to think to hard to piece it together. I like what you've got so far, but Kirby is right, and that little mistakes annoys the hell out of me.
Other than that, good work.
Good story. Just the one thing that's irritating me: Pinkie Pie. Not Pinky.
it's Pinkie, not Pinky. otherwise, seems to be pretty good.
Great so far. Keep it coming.
Everypony else has pointed out the only mistake I noticed (and they're correct, it's PinkIE Pie), so nothing to add there.
of corse i would allow you to help me help you help us all.. *robotic buzz*
okay now that the glados moment is over. on to read what will possibly be an amazing story!
"using google translate"
Well theres your problem
good story but i am getting Kryxel sense thinking that twilight WONT get out of this without a scrach.
Uhm... It's iuvare pistor, not luvare pistor. An I not an L.
214365
blame google translate for that one, fixing it now though.
how to make pinkie more pinkie.
ll. it needs to be broken more.
fourth wa
214402
Still a very well done story. I'm enjoying it.
Liking this thus far. I haven't caught any major mistakes whilst reading, so I'd say you're doing a great job with these chapters! Really looking forward to the next additions. :)
I'm enjoying the story quite a bit, especially how you hit the plot points. It's the way I expected to see them done in some ways, but not in others. I expected to Pinkie to flatter Twilight by being amazed with her magical abilities when she does something helpful or cool, but the circumstances surrounding that, the whole bakery scene, really, was unique in concept and execution.
I think you've hit a nice pace, and I don't really see the need for more detailed exposition unless you're going to go all out with it, but your dialogue REALLY needs work. Pinkie sounds sorta same-y with her randomness, and Twilight's voice doesn't come through for me. She sounds just like any other main character a lot of the time. Not a fan of the dialogue, but you do everything else well. So work on that, and you've got an even better story on your hands!
215053
good, this is the kind of critique I can do something with: A valid point about one of the things I find myself struggling with.
However, when you say that Pinkie sounds same-y in her randomness, what do you mean? do you mean that she is random in the same way over and over again, or not random enough?
Also, I can understand that maybe Twilight is a bit of a blank slate in my story so far, but I'm trying to get better, so do you have any points that really stand out, in terms of needing improvement?
Basically, how exactly do I need to improve in order to get things right?
I mean that she is random in the same way a lot of the time, it seems. Looking back, you do change up the formula a LITTLE bit, but a lot of the time, it feels like talk really fast and silly, but I think there's more to her than that.
As for Twilight, I think you just need to inject a little of HER in there. She's a socially awkward, paranoid, bookworm who spends the day mostly by herself. That's more than enough to make her interesting, ESPECIALLY when paired with Pinkie, so don't be afraid to play off that a little bit. Pinkie is going to be naive and expect things from Twilight that she can't give her as far as a relationship, or even a close friendship goes. Twilight loves to spend time by herself with her books and doing experiments, and Pinkie is very needy and likes to be the center of attention. That's a great source of conflict right there. But I also think that Twilight is needy too, just emotionally needy instead of needy for attention. And I think Pinkie would be the unconditional love type of mare, so I think that could balance that out. But another good source of conflict is their conflicting natures. Twilight likes order. Pinkie is a pink ball of chaos who likes being fun and random. Not even counting Twilight's little quirks, she's an antisocial pony hanging around a social pony. She might be afraid to talk to other ponies she doesn't know, or say the wrong things, not sounding as smart or eloquent. Those sorts of things. And I don't think Pinkie would get that.
Not only should Pinkie confuse Twi, but Twi should confuse Pinkie a little bit.
You have Twi playing the everymare, and that is a role she plays, but downplay that aspect and branch out from that, and I think you'll make her come to life. She has to play that role in the show almost out of necessity, although that is a part of her character, but there are so many other, infinitely more interesting facets of her personality to show. But to give credit where it's due, you are doing great with Pinkie except for the randomness.
Twilight is insecure about her abilities, and Pinkie is awed by them. That's something I think you've picked up on, and I think it's not the last we've seen of it. Connected to that is Twilight underestimating Pinkie's intelligence and ability to be serious, although her opinion of that seems to be changing.
Some of this balances out, but a relationship in their current states is almost impossible. So, as the author, you have to get them ready for it. Too many romance authors seem to think that their only job is to put the characters in situations to make characters end up together, but it's a lot more than that (Not calling you out, because you seem to be doing well at focusing on letting the characters driving the romance, but don't stop me when I'm on a roll)
Make the characters change. Twilight ending up less socially awkward and constantly placing her marefriend (and other friends) over her studies, being able to let loose, and being able to go out and really live life without being drug out of her house would all be great changes for her.
In these sorts of stories, I never really see Pinkie change much. Twilight is usually the focus because she's the one who has to change the most to make the relationship work. And that makes sense, I guess, and you have Twilight playing the role of the protagonist, so it's even more easily justified. You could go the route of her having parts to her personality that she keeps hidden, both the normal and Pinkamina-crazy sides, and that would work, to an extent (it also seems to be what you're going for), but her changing a LITTLE bit couldn't hurt.
Unfortunately, I can't think up a way right now to do it to where it would actually make her more interesting or help her character without making it less enjoyable. So I guess you could just do the hidden personalities thing.
Oh, and sorry about the wall. I do tend to get verbose when it comes to these things. And a little over-explanatory.
As Pinkie said, when asked how she can remember everything about everypony:
"Cause everypony's my friend, and I love to see my friends smile!"
(start song)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNrXMOSkBas
All you have to do is take a cursor
Don't force er' in!
Now just take a tracking button, not a glutton,
And press of M1, just a bit.
Tracking these stories is such a cinch
Just push a bit more
As long as it's not a bore, just press the button, will ya?
You'll never get your fill of-
Tracking, so easy to do
Tracking, as long as you don't boo (the story)
Tracking stories, Tracking STORIES!
My song for this story :P
You're right, writing songs is hard even off of a template
good chapter, however "everypony there was at least twice as I was" I assume this was supposed to be twice my age or some variation.
340978
Nice catch. Fixed.
i dont think there is one of greece.. nopony ever really writes about the hard named countrys.
but in all actuallity they would possibly give it to another animal. the sheep possibly. and name it fleece.
it has been done before. like u.s.s.r (ursine soviet socialist republic) and a few others (that i dont remember off the top of my head)
"hoping to not again be taken by surprise by a question from her friend again."
need to remove one of the 'again' from this sentence
also keep up the good work.
Is this dead?
1140906
Currently, it is "indefinitely on hold."
I will continue this later, but right now I'm a little busy with a different project, sort of a collab if you will.
I do see your point though, and I'll put this on hiatus.
I think it would be nice to have the titles at the beginning of the chapter instead of the end.
Heh. Heheh. I laughed harder than I should at the intro reference
2 year hiatus with no signs of coming off of it.... or is there! Well? Is there?
Enjoyed reading this, good job!