Chapter 7: No Such Thing
“Verily, this has been a colossal waste of time,” Luna grumbled as she and her sister approached Canterlot. Her grumpy mood, though initiated by the failure of their endeavor, had been made worse by the hours that the two of them had spent in the air. “I begin to suspect that this ‘Alicorn Amulet’ we keep hearing about is but an invention of Quigley’s—a means to send us out on wild goose chases!”
“Thou mustn’t judge our friend too harshly, dear sister,” Celestia replied. “After all, he oft encourages us to take leave of our responsibilities for purposes of relaxation, and ’twould be much like him to have suggested this errand for that very purpose. In any case, it was not he who first reported of the Amulet’s existence or of its reputed power, and it does indeed seem that there is some sort of mysterious artifact making its way through the black markets. Perhaps some more research will help us uncover the truth.”
That plan, unfortunately, had to be abandoned as the alicorns approached their castle—large, angry mobs had a tendency to bring about swift rearrangements of one’s priorities, after all. This particular mob was clustered around the entrance to the Royal Sisters’ residence, shouting demands that they emerge from hiding. Although the daylight made torches superfluous, many of the ponies were carrying pitchforks, which was odd, since few of the throng possessed the rugged physique of a farmer.
Somehow, a few intelligible sentences managed to rise above the din, though their origin could not really be placed. “Daylight is for everypony!” — “The Princesses are getting paid off by the Candlestick Makers’ Guild!” — “The sun ought not to rise until everypony’s awake to see it!”
The two alicorns landed in front of the crowd, who seemed palpably disappointed that they no longer had a reason to storm the palace. “I am Princess Celestia of Equestria,” the elder of the two announced, “and I stand before you with my sister, Princess Luna of Equestria. Have you a grievance?”
“Yes!” the crowd roared back in unison.
“And that is?”
“You rejected the plan to give us more sunlight in the summer!” an isolated voice called out, causing Celestia to groan—apparently, a garbled version of Quigley’s recent proposal had leaked to the general populace.
“What is this nonsense?” Luna whispered to her sister.
“I shall explain more when we have time.”
In the meantime, the crowd had begun to chant rhythmically, “The sun should shine when we’re awake! The sun should shine when we’re awake!”
Celestia held up a hoof to quiet the crowd. “You are a small group of ponies, and do not speak for the rest of Equestria.”
“Yes we do!” another indistinct voice called back. “We have petitions!”
“And where are these petitions?”
Right on cue, the crowd parted and two stallions pulled a massive cart overflowing with pages, each one covered in signatures (or hoofprints, in the case of those ponies who were illiterate). Celestia lifted one up and read the demand scrawled across the top. “We, the undersigned, demand that the Princesses of Equestria release the sunshine they are holding in reserve for the benefit of all ponies, or that they shall be replaced with a ruler willing to accommodate our demands.”
“This is madness!” Luna shouted.
A bright yellow unicorn near the front shook his pitchfork angrily. “Give us our reserve sunshine, or else!”
“Or else, what?” the blue alicorn demanded.
“We shall begin our rioting!” the unicorn shouted. A massive shout of agreement came from the throng.
It was then that Celestia looked around and noticed the conspicuous (and more than likely uncoincidental) absence of the Royal Guard. If she attempted to use force against these ponies without an impartial witness, the resulting rumors could easily spiral out of control.
Luna, meanwhile, seemed ready to make a defiant retort to the crowd, and likely would have, had not Celestia quietly spoke into her sister’s ear. “Father once told me, ‘Power can not be forced upon those who resent it.’ If we attempt to hold on to our throne through violence, we shall do nothing but plant more seeds of dissent. At the very least, it behooves us to lay low until we know more about what has gone on.”
Luna opened her mouth as if to answer, but no sound came out. Instead, she nodded and stared at the ground, shutting her eyes tight in a futile effort to prevent tears from escaping.
Celestia looked at the crowd. “Very well,” she said. “We shall relinquish control of the throne, so that the ponies of Equestria may choose a new ruler more to their satisfaction.”
With this, a huge cheer rang out from the throng, which was followed by the most shocking chant that Celestia had heard in her life: “Hail King Discord!”
——————————
It had taken a full day for Discord to accept the fact that he’d actually have to get to know Penumbra in order to get any chuckles from her. Fortunately for Applejack, that entire day was spent inside the spare barn where he was staying, and even though she heard some really odd noises inside, he hadn’t caused any damage to the barn itself, which she eventually decided was a good sign. The next morning, however, Discord burst into the Apples’ kitchen wearing a lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
“Do I wanna know what that stuff’s for?” Applejack asked as she eyed the massive peacock-feather quill that spontaneously appeared in Discord’s free paw.
“Probably, given that you’re the designated judge for this little contest,” Discord replied. “It’s really quite simple. Today, I intend to forego attempting to make Penumbra laugh in favor of following her around and recording her reactions. From this, I should be able to glean enough information to figure out what she finds funny.”
Applejack looked around warily for a few seconds before she responded. “Uh, Discord, I ain’t sure how to tell you this, but—”
“Let me guess: Twilight Sparkle did something like this as well?”
“Uh, pretty much.”
To Applejack’s surprise, Discord let out a resigned sigh instead of a scream of frustration. “I should have guessed,” he said. “This is the sort of thing she’d do, isn’t it?”
“Uh, well, I’m pretty sure she wore a pith helmet instead of one of them fancy white coats, if that helps.”
Discord considered this for a second or two and, slowly nodding, he answered, “You know what? I think it does. So,” he added, shifting his topic slightly, “which of your friends drew guard duty today?”
“Twilight, though I think Pinkie Pie’s gonna be around, too, since it was her turn yesterday. Probably for the best; those two still got a heckuva lot of plannin’ to do for their coronation.”
“Is that so? I’ll have to make a note of that.” Discord grinned as he began scribbling notes onto his clipboard.
——————————
It was on this day that Penumbra learned that, even though Discord could be a massive pain in the neck when he was being gregarious, he could be downright unnerving when he was just sitting quietly and doing little more than scratching notes onto paper. On the other hoof, this state of affairs suited Twilight Sparkle just fine, as she hadn’t exactly been looking forward to corralling a wild draconequus, and she very much appreciated the chance to go over some of the details of the upcoming coronation ceremony with Penumbra and Pinkie Pie. She had even brought Spike along to ensure that there was an extra set of eyes on Discord, but the baby dragon’s attention had drifted to a copy of Daring Do and the Chariot of Tirek (Twilight had only recently gotten him hooked on the series), which he read as he idly munched on the bowl of pebble-sized semiprecious gems that Pinkie Pie had brought with her.
However, Twilight wasn’t nearly as bothered by the fact that her assistant was openly slacking off as she might have otherwise been, mostly because she was convinced that there was somepony else who was an even more blatant example of squandered ability. “Look, Penumbra, I know you’ve been busy preparing to handle Discord, but I still think your talents are being downplayed for the coronation,” Twilight said.
“Are you saying that you think creating overflow balcony seating for pegasi is beneath me?” Penumbra replied as she raised an eyebrow skeptically. “I beg to differ. Allowing pegasi to take advantage of their natural ability to sit on clouds will do much to relieve congestion on the ground.”
“I know that,” Twilight said, “but you’re capable of a lot more, and I think that the ponies of Equestria need to see that for themselves.”
“They’re free to come to Pinkie Pie’s afterparty,” Penumbra said with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “There will be plenty of examples of my work present there.”
“I’m not talking about your cloudsmithing,” Twilight replied sternly.
“Oh, is this the start of a fight?” Discord asked, his mood immediately perking up. “I just love watching ponies argue.”
“We know,” Twilight Sparkle called out over her shoulder as Pinkie and Penumbra rolled their eyes in agreement. Indeed, Twilight didn’t even bother making eye contact with the draconequus before returning her attention to Penumbra. “Penumbra, you aren’t just a cloudsmith. You’re also the Duchess of Everfree.”
“Come on, Twilight, it’s not like Penny’s trying to hide in a corner,” Pinkie Pie said, ignoring Penumbra’s glare. “After all, we’re supposed to be the center of attention, right? Penumbra is going to be onstage with the rest of our friends, and they’re going to introduce her with her title, so it’s not like it’ll go unnoticed.”
Twilight Sparkle sighed. “You’re right, of course, but that’s not quite what I’m trying to get at.”
“Then I suggest you try being blunt,” Penumbra said, her irritation at Pinkie Pie’s callous use of that obnoxious nickname forgotten, “because your attempts to guide me to your conclusion with dropped hints aren’t working very well.”
“I’m still a little confused as to why you turned down the chance to be crowned after all the trouble you went through to be a Princess,” Twilight admitted. “I mean, you made it sound like ruling Equestria was really important when you convinced me to go along with it.”
“Ruling Equestria was important because Celestia was doing it, and I wanted to be her,” Penumbra replied nonchalantly. “Since I can’t be Princess Celestia, I’d rather not be a princess at all. I believe I have explained this to you before.”
“Yeah, you have, but I don’t see how refusing the title would change matters. Ponies are still going to treat you as a de facto Princess when you show up at the coronation with wings and a horn.”
“Yes, I know. That’s why I agreed to let Celestia create the ‘Duchess of Everfree’ title as a compromise. Besides, if my past as the Nightmare became common knowledge, I doubt the average Equestrian would be happy that I was a royal instead of an aristocrat. I am, after all, a recovering megalomaniac of sorts, so the less official power I have, the better.” Her voice had a finality to it that halted the discussion in its tracks.
This, however, suited Pinkie Pie just fine, as she had a much more interesting topic to discuss than the exercise of political power. “Speaking of that afterparty, how are the decorations coming?”
“Ah, yes, about that. I think I can make the clouds change colors like you ask, though I’m not sure about the speed at which the shifts take place.”
“You can’t do it that fast?”
“Oh, it’s not a technical problem; I’m just worried that you might induce epileptic fits.”
“Whoa, hold on,” Twilight interjected. “Pinkie Pie, it sounds like you’re planning an over-the-top rave.”
“Well, duh. What’s the point of having a rave if you can’t go over the top? Pulsating lights, pounding music, more glitter than anypony knows what to do with—what could be better?”
“You do realize that some of the foreign dignitaries might not appreciate something like that?”
“Well, they don’t have to come if they don’t want to.”
“That may be true in theory, but in practice, it leaves much to be desired,” Penumbra replied. “This will be your first official function upon becoming a Princess. Most of the dignitaries will assume that you’ll be insulted if they don’t show up, and they’ll be expecting something like the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Ack! No! Princess Pinkie does not do boring. I’ll just have to put up warning signs outside the entrance. ‘Warning: The party inside is an actual party, where ponies will be having fun.’ Besides, we don’t want fuddy-duddies with expensive clothes complaining when they get caught in the food fight.”
“You’re planning a food fight?!” Twilight asked.
“Yup! Condiments versus entrees. I call dibs on the mustard!”
“Pinkie, this is a very important chance for you to make a good first impression as a Princess,” Twilight insisted.
“So I’ll use fancy brown mustard. Come on, Twilight, after the coronation’s done, everypony is going to want to unwind a little. By the way, what’s easier to throw: mashed potatoes or sauerkraut?”
“Well, I’d expect mashed potatoes to hold together more easily—What am I saying?! Pinkie, you’ve got to drop the food fight.”
“Aw, come on, Twilight. Live a little.”
“Yeah!” Discord chimed in. “And for added fun, you can load that cannon of yours full of horseradish and repaint the walls. No, wait, I have an even better idea: a firehose hooked up to a reservoir of sour eggnog!”
Pinkie Pie was starting to look distinctly uncomfortable.
“Those ponies won’t know what hit ’em—especially if you replace the nutmeg with finely chopped poison joke! Ooh, this party keeps sounding better by the second. Where do I sign up?”
Pinkie Pie just looked at Discord like a cow looks at an oncoming train. “Okay... maybe the food fight’s not such a good idea.”
“Hey! Just because I approve of something, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad.”
“No,” Penumbra said, “but it’s a distinct possibility. Besides, aren’t you supposed to be an impartial observer today?”
Discord grumbled and returned to his note-taking, though at the moment those “notes” looked suspiciously like crude doodles of Penumbra getting pelted with rotten tomatoes.
This lead to an awkward silence that was broken only by loud, unpleasant crunching noise from Spike’s general direction. The three ponies looked over to see Spike running a claw around his mouth. “Ugh,” he said, once he’d finished picking his teeth. “I don’t think that amethyst was anywhere near ripe enough yet.”
“Oh, sorry about that, Spike,” Pinkie Pie said.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s not like you have a lot of practice picking out gems for food.”
“That’s no excuse,” Pinkie replied. “You’re my twin brother, and you deserve the best.”
“Aw, stop,” Spike said sheepishly as a rush of color tinted the scales on his cheeks.
“You know, I’ve been wondering about that,” Twilight said. “We’re technically not supposed to get royal stipends until after we’ve been crowned. How could you afford to buy food-grade gemstones?”
“Oh, I didn’t buy them at all,” Pinkie Pie explained. “I used magic.”
Twilight Sparkle looked confused. “So... what? You’ve been using unicorn magic to rearrange their chemical structure?”
Pinkie Pie giggled. “Come on, Twilight, you know my unicorn magic isn’t strong enough for something like that. Heck, to make food-quality gemstones that way you’d need a mountain of unicorn magic and probably an incredibly obsessive personality with next to no tolerance for imperfection.”
“So, do you think Twilight could pull it off, then?” Spike asked, salivating at the prospect of a near-endless supply of snack food.
“I’m not that bad, and you know it,” Twilight said as she glowered at her assistant.
“Your imaginary friend magic, then?” Penumbra asked. “Did you Pinkie Promise to do something special for your brother, perhaps?”
“I don’t really need to use magic to do ‘something special,’” Pinkie replied, smiling coyly.
“Well, then how did you make them?” Twilight asked with a hint of exasperation in her voice.
“Oh, I grew them.”
“Ah, I see. That makes s—You grew them?!” Twilight’s eyes bugged out as she realized what her friend had actually said.
“Yup!” Pinkie chirped. “I gathered a bunch of pebbles from around Ponyville, sorted them out, buried them in the ground, and sent a bunch of earth pony magic into the soil with my hooves. Most of the pebbles were duds, but I got enough gems to fill a bowl for Spike, because he’s the best twin brother in the world.”
“Aw, thanks, Pinkie,” Spike said between mouthfuls.
“That’s impossible!” Twilight screeched. “It can’t be done! If it could be done, I never would have learned that you were Surprise!”
“Oh, yeah...” Pinkie said as the memory of how her identity had been rediscovered returned to her. “That part completely slipped my mind. Anyway, next, I’m going to try and figure out how to tell which pebbles are seeds for which kinds of gems.”
However, it was Penumbra’s reaction that was the most intriguing: her lips curled inward as the corners of her mouth curled upward, while she made brief noise like the sound of air escaping from a balloon. Moments later, her reserves of self-control had depleted entirely, and she let loose a long, deep, rapid cackle of unbridled glee that would have been infectious if it didn’t sound like she’d just pulled off the most dastardly scheme in the history of ponykind.
“Oh, come on!” Discord abruptly shouted. “It’s bad enough that I can’t get you to laugh, but do you really need to mock me with fake villain laughter?”
“Actually, she isn’t mocking you at all,” Pinkie Pie said. “Her normal laugh is exactly the same as Nightmare Moon’s.”
Discord seemed unsure how to respond to this, so he just said, “Oh,” and let the matter drop. Unfortunately for him, his outburst had provided enough time for Penumbra’s laughter to subside completely, removing his chance to snare a giggle from a sufficiently warmed-up audience.
“Well, that was amusing,” Penumbra said. “Shall we move on?”
“No, we shan’t!” Discord said. “How on earth was that funny?”
“You don’t really expect me to answer that, do you?” Penumbra asked with a bemusedly cocked eyebrow. “The whole point of this exercise is for you to figure that sort of thing out on your own.”
“I’d rather you stuck with Celestia’s stupid idea where you just try showing me the magic of friendship or whatever she calls it,” Discord grumbled.
“We’ll see,” Penumbra said enigmatically as she shot a toothless smirk in his direction.
——————————
The Great and Powerful Trixie leaned back in her crystal throne as she pondered her next move. Despite her near-limitless intellect and unfettered magical prowess, she’d encountered surprising difficulty in her attempts to formulate a perfect plan to take over Equestria. It seemed that world domination, though at first glance a relatively simple matter, quickly acquired massive amounts of complexity once one began to seriously consider how to pull it off.
The first step had been the most obvious and, not coincidentally, the easiest: Trixie needed minions, and, despite some initial misgivings, the Diamond Dogs seemed quite satisfied with this role once they realized that their new leader had no intention of making absurd demands of them. The fact that she had so far lived up to her promise of a steady supply of high-quality gems helped, too.
“Um, Your Greatness?” said a raspy, gravelly voice at the foot of Trixie’s throne, interrupting her train of thought.
“Yes? What is it, Rover?”
The red-vested Diamond Dog looked slightly nervous—from the snippets of conversation that Trixie had overheard amongst the pack, he was apparently worried that Trixie would start acting like the “white pony” that the canines adamantly refused to name. “You requested news of Equestria. There are to be two new Princess ponies—”
“Trixie was already aware of this,” Trixie said lazily. “In fact, I believe it was I who told you of it.”
“Of... of course, Your Powerfulness,” Rover said with a slight stammer. “However, there is a third pony who chooses not to be crowned, and she is doing other things.”
Trixie was unsure if this vagueness was an attempt to make whatever news Rover had sound more intriguing or simply an unavoidable side effect of trying to communicate in a second language, but that quibble was hardly important at the moment. “Continue,” she commanded.
“This pony is named Penumbra. Our scouts have learned that she attempts to reform the one known as Discord.”
“Really? And how exactly does she intend to do that?”
“We, um, have not learned this yet.”
Trixie sighed. “Well, I suppose it’s better than nothing. Keep tabs on the situation, and let me know when you learn more.”
“Of course, Your Greatness,” Rover replied. “Ah, there is one thing though.”
The Great and Powerful Trixie rolled her eyes and lifted a moderately sized stone into the air. Seconds later, an impressive-looking sapphire landed in Rover’s eager paws. “Thank you, Your Greatness!” the Diamond Dog said with a bow before leaving his employer alone with her thoughts once again.
There did seem to be an opportunity of some sort here, if only because Trixie had heard about Discord’s antics the last time he’d managed to get loose. If the rumors were even the slightest bit true, subjecting the notorious draconequus to any sort of reformation was almost guaranteed to fail, and when it did, he would more than likely be annoyed. Clearly, there was potential to recruit an ally here, and a rather capable one at that. However, there was a glaring problem: Discord was a chimera, and as such, he was disturbingly... haphazard.
Still, although Trixie was Great and Powerful, she was hardly in a position to effectively challenge the Princesses, whether current or future. She would need assistance, and in this regard, Discord would be most useful, if he could be persuaded to join her efforts. Besides, there was no rule that said that any given alliance had to last forever, so why shouldn’t she indulge in pragmatism for the time being?
Really, there was only one thing about the situation that caused any hesitation: the nagging, inexpressible feeling that all this greatness and power had reduced Trixie’s... Trixieness, for lack of a better word. She’d never had any interest ruling over the masses before; she’d been more than content with their cries of adulation at the end of a show. However, this notion was quickly banished from her mind. After all, it was due to Twilight Sparkle that her accolades as a performer had evaporated into quintessence, which was why she had to demonstrate her superiority in her nemesis’ chosen field of politics. It wasn’t the Great and Powerful Trixie’s fault—none of it was. Twilight Sparkle had forced her hoof.
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Oh boy, here we go. Trixie's intentions are revealed. This isn't gonna end well
Oh no.
And suddenly Petriculture was an actual thing and not made up.
The lingering effects of the Alicorn Amulet plus something in that cave is truly corrupting Trixie. I'm afraid this will not end well for her.
Here we go. New chapter, new things, and more Pinkie just being Pinkie. You know, the good stuff
Admit it.
2906187 - You mean it wasn't obvious?
I'm not sure quintessence is something that accolades can evaporate into.
--Has my vocabulary failed me?
--Has yours, you?
--Or is it just Trixie becoming unhinged?
2906421 - Trixie is a showpony first and foremost. Thus, when she uses overly flowery language (whether out loud or in the form of implied internal monologue), what any given phrase seems to mean is more important than its literal/actual meaning.
2906515 So, basically "quintessence" just sounds cool.
No, Trixie, nooooo! This path only leads to more ruin! Turn back!
And Pinkie invents petriculture by forgetting that it isn't impossible. It's like Discord's release loosened the restraints on what can and can't be done.
Also, fantastic detail with Penumbra's default cackle. Villainously adorable.
2906187
Oh good, I wasn't the only one who noticed.
Ah shit, Trixie is going to go get her a kingdom. I like it.
Good
Someone better tell Trixie that what she's doing should be impossible.
You dropped an o. Unless your going for deliberate bad grammar, in which case I think "chosed" sounds better
I think you mean "quiescence"NevermindAnd then Trixie died for no good reason. And everypony else too. The end
... And we're losing Trixie over the deep end.
I'm curious as to what Penumbra found so funny.
Sigh, I hope this isn't another story where Trixie is actually able to even get close to power. She doesn't deserve it at all.
Careful what you wish, you just might get it...
Mashed potatoes - their innate stickiness allows you to mould them into a cohesive projectile. You can get more range with them and they have that very important "sticky splatter factor"
I really want to read this but I'm holding off reading this until it's complete. I have too many fic's on the slow trickle of updates I can wait for this one to be a completed thing before I read it.
Honestly I am just not feeling the Trixie parts. I'm mostly reading them because I know it'll all tie in by the end, or maybe the beginning
Everything else is terrific though 
On the other hoof, I thoroughly enjoy Trixie's parts.
I'm fairly certain those words shouldn't be combined like that when talking about someone who has actual literal and metaphorical teeth. Usually people use 'tight-lipped' or the like instead.
2908809 In the Trixie portion at the end of the second chapter, there was a line about how "the cave was awash in magical energy." To me, that implies that Trixie is getting an artificial power boost (particularly in light of which cave it probably is).
3012592
Maybe, but I'm going more along the lines of magical mutual annihilation; it's not just their physical mass, but the magic contained within reacting as well. And, well... magic's magic, yanno?
Isn't it possible to grow crystals anyway? Like when something is suspended in a salt solution and after a few days, salt crystals form on it.
3034431 - Yes, it is possible, and way back in Petriculture, I alluded to it by having a minor character say that scholars were studying the creation of crystals in laboratory settings, but that commercial viability (i.e., large quantities of consistent quality, which is what Trixie is doing here) was a long way off.
Trixie's continued spiral into madness gives me the sads.
Perhaps it's more amplified by the fact that I recently read Trixie Switch..
This is old but I gotta comment. Did Trixie make another Nightmare?
6056308 - Keep reading. Everything that's going one with Trixie will be explained... eventually.
I always love it when fanfics of the past accidentally reference future events in the show. Antipodes did it no fewer than three times.
Oh my god Pinkie what how why.
I love Pinkie in this. She's still smart like Twilight, but still very much herself too.
I do believe that Discord's old feelings about being King of Equestria might be influencing our dear foolish showmare's mind just a tad. Either that or she was simply in possession of the Amulet for too long.
Time will tell. Onto the next!
Re-reading this because of the approaching sequel, that "toothless smirk" bit still bothers me, since toothless generally means not having, rather than not showing, teeth.
Oh that's scary
Twilight what are you smoking?
Sauerkraut is WAY easier to throw than mashed potatoes