- Member Since 30th May, 2012
- offline last seen 4 hours ago
AngelShy24
I'm a mixed basket. Check me out!
AngelShy24
Joined 30th May, 2012 ·
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Switching tense, abuse of the common semicolon... These are things that aggravate me but I can forgive.
Directly addressing the audience?
Thumbs down. Sorry, pal, there's potential here but you need practice.
Dejá vú.
2745754
Damn it Badger! Because you said that I want to thumb you down... But I can't because you make good stories too!
2745923 I'm just being honest and pointing out this story's flaws. I admit the way I went about it was a bit dickish, but look back on the story and you'll see that I'm right.
It needs work is what I'm saying.
2745754
switching tense seems to be one of my main problem in some of my stories.
I need to know what went wrong.
Yeah,
Any chance there's someone who can help proofread this for me;
2746172 I would help, but I don't have a computer.
This story seems awfully rapey. Also, don't address the audience in the middle of the story.
2746172
I could probably help.
Looks like Scootaloo...
*Puts on glasses*
Activated her trap card.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Rumble x Scootaloo is one of my favourite pairings. They fit together, although Rumble doesn't have a real canon personality. That said, I really wanted this to be a good and sexy fic. I was disappointed.
You have sense of tense, words missing completely or doubled... did you even read this before posting it? Also it felt like it was written by a horny teenager that wanted to rush to the act itself without building any momentum. The dialogue was awkward and removed the last remnants of buildup that was left after the bombardment of hideous grammar. You really need to take your time, allow the characters to be themselves. Now you fit exposition into rushed and unnatural dialogue that could be summed as: "We're dating" "Yeah" "Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass." You also lack a clear narrator, which leads to a lot of confusion. How do we know what the ponies think? Whose perspective are we seeing this from? And let's not even talk about those hideous sentence structures that would land you with a D- tops.
Maybe I came into the story with my expectations too high, but I'm sorry to say that I pushed the thumb down button on this one. If I seem to be focusing on the beginning of the story, then yes, I couldn't read further. I don't like being negative, but the premise had promise, you just wasted it.
2746703
Consent was given.
No fucks to be had.
Your tenses are a bit out of wack... the dialogue is a bit sloppy.... but i really liked this story... Its has ALOT of potencial. I say gat a good proofreader, and fix the minor problems, and your story would be perfect.
2746707
If you can help, that would be nice.
It turns out the main complaint of this story so far is the tenses; those really do confuse the heck out of me.
2746906
yay
2746876>>2746219>>2746746
I've already confirmed with someone to proofread it for me
I really did take my time with this story, but I guess some of my story telling skills still needs a little work.
But hey... I ain't ashamed to ask for help when I need it.
On one hand, best ship.
On the other, this dialogue made me cringe. Rumble you are a fucking douche and I hate you. You don't just not stop eating someone out and tell them to start sucking. Prick.
So yeah, thumbed down. Good taste in ships though.
You kiss your mother with that mouth, Kid?
You are most welcome my boy!
The plot was fine for a clopfic and nice to see them aged up to make the sex believable. But there are a few issues.
The descriptions and language used are emotionless and stilted.
The dialogue is like a bad porn script and characterization was not very good because of it.
Being as active as she is, any hymen Scoots might have at that age is not going to be "popable" if she has one at all.
Serious philosophical question: is it still weird for somebody to write about underage sex if that writer is in fact underage themselves?
Unless, of course, you ARE of legal age and can attest to having had sexual experience/contact with other members of the human race. At this point, I'd refuse to believe any part of that statement applies to you regardless of anything you told me to the contrary.
Let me see.
Ship: Original, and good. Nothing to put my hoof on there.
how they act: boy, they are talkative when going at it. I though those kinds of activities tended to mess with your ability to speak. also it makes them go
Story outline: clop. Enough said. But it would've been nice with a "little" more relationship building
Ability to write. i'm going to be honest. Learn to show, not tell. This story was extremely telly. While you proove to be good at it, please show instead. It makes it a lot more enjoyable to read. And honestly, it's a must for clopfics.
Sum it up. an OK clopfic. Nothing out of the ordinary. I'd recomend focusing on world/relationshp building, and "show, don't tell" in the future.
6 of 10. Not bad to be clop
2746991 lols. This story kinda reminds me of my first time.... Its SOOO CUTE!!!
E hmm sorry for the outburst
Butanywho, keep on writing my freind, id like to see more of your work in the future.
The older brother... Following along like the younger brother.
Not bad at all. Very hot and enjoyable.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2747351
No. Because the human mind wanders and there's plenty of porn for us teenagers to write about sex.
Albeit, we don't take (I don't, at least) everything from porn seriously. There are movies where we take our cheesy romances from and slap cliches all over the place.
2747787
Glad to see that SOME people enjoy this story for what is... and it's been featured; cool.
2748641
I'm one of the few who'll look past a few things of grammar to actual sory.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2747351
If you want to push philosophy, you should wonder if there is anything weird about it at all in the first place: we know it happens and will continue to happen no matter how hard politicians, educators, religions and whatever other "morale" guides may try to do about it.
The problem with "weird" and "normal" is that a lot of the perception is for the most part a purely arbitrary social standard. Not something natural or rooted in science. You can look at monogamy for example: very uncommon in nature but strongly encouraged and enforced by artificial human social and legal constructs largely for the authorities' convenience.
To me, the weird part is how most societies are trying so hard to make practically inevitable stuff go away while pretending that it is "not normal" and in the case of under-age sex, it seems that societies' attempts to counter it are mostly backfiring with average age going down nearly every year - education simply makes them more curious earlier.
Society needs to scrap its countless counter-productive taboos and start fresh on a purely scientific basis. They might come up with surprising results with no arbitrary standards/morals getting in the way..
Grammar this, spelling that, aaah come the apocalypse you should be ashamed! Screw the fact that this story was entertaining and pretty hawt, you should be hung for daring to make the mistake of using a present tense when you should have used past tense! A dislike, downvote, report, ban, hack, violation, defecation, and a ring of bloody toilet paper upon your tomb stone! I mean, surely you can't be proud of yourself for writing this!
... Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Me likey
this was good
img0.joyreactor.cc/pics/comment/%D0%B3%D0%B8%D1%84%D0%BA%D0%B8-%D0%BF%D0%B5%D1%81%D0%BE%D1%87%D0%BD%D0%B8%D1%86%D0%B0-90370.png
2748996 This guy...
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/drunk-baby-meme-love-this-guy.jpg
2749493
3.bp.blogspot.com/-aatJzc9RwJ4/TkB6hOZglHI/AAAAAAAAA5M/7FS3u0C2ZQY/s1600/tobey+maguire+trollface+troll.jpg
2749527 I like it
t.qkme.me/3ooxss.jpg
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQx4pcNjFvCk3Qp09BFpMiADb044VQEu1j-SiM3WWkhGQFKYKS6
2749532
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2013/026/a/a/ladies____by_daggetwithadagger-d5subi6.png
2749539 Well played my friend, well played. I yield...*Huggle*
2749550
2749553 Tia? W-what are you doing here?
2749559
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/134/589/10896_-_celestia_trollestia-%28n1304715472581%29.jpg
The dialogue is abysmal.
2749563 Sweet Celestia I want to hug you
Lovely, I enjoyed it a lot.
2749610
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m86i4kbJOZ1rcjmu8o1_500.gif
that magnificent tush of yours
amazing...best clop fic ever written!
It's a good try, but the dialogue... I had to stop reading it because the dialogue was so bad. It was a like you pulled all of the lines straight from a porno. They were way too verbose when they didn't need to be, way too formal in some instances, and oftentimes didn't really make sense. I'm sorry, but I couldn't give you an up thumb. Usually I try to be constructive, but I see you have some proofreaders, so I'll let them help you out. Good luck!
Fuck the errors! Like brother, like brother! Excellent! Great story.
They really are related xD
Nice job on this one!
Haven't read it yet, but I must say one thing: COPYCAT!
Sorry. I've recently been working on a Rumbaloo fic of my own, Together We Fly. Mine's not clop though, so you're safe.
But seriously, good to see that there's another author writing this sort of thing. Will read later.
Clop is gross. Youre all gross.
2750424
A bit drawn-out in some spots and definitely cliche overall but still a decent adaptation of a typical porn plot IMO.
I read over a hundred fanfics on FiMFiction and spelling/grammar in this one is not particularly bad. Missing connective words could certainly use fixing but overall, nothing that really bothered/distracted me.
2747351
Is it weird?
From a human standpoint, not at all.
Also, those closer to the inception of their sexual maturity are more genuine about their ignorance of it.
From a cultural standpoint?
Well it's illegal for underage people to film themselves having sex for their own use. So fuck cultural weirdness.
2751808
Then why are you here? Give me one good reason why you'd take the time to even leave a comment instead of just disliking and moving on?