• Member Since 20th May, 2012
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Comments ( 42 )

Well, not what I was hoping for, but at least I know you're still alive.

Yay you're alive, now to read this later tonight when I am free to clop away.

so How've you been Tailsopony?:twilightsmile:

It's not really what anyone was hoping for. It's something I wrote a little bit ago, and started writing again today. It's honestly bad, but I have learned that I don't work well with pre-readers/editors. I end up second guessing everything and spending way more time editing/re-working basic story stuff than just writing. And I'm not even super fond of how it's turning out. Nothing against the guys who helped me with it, they all were great. I just had a hard time working with people. I know at least one of them doesn't want to be mentioned, and the other one just kind of dropped off the radar, so I'm not gonna mention him unless he wants me to. I certainly wouldn't want my name attached to this mess if it wasn't birthed from my mind.


Alive. Alive. Why am I alive? I have been alive! How have you been? I've been logging in, I just didn't have anything new to say. Still don't really. Made some new self discoveries, life is still busy, busy, busy, and that doesn't leave much time for my mental debauchery. I've also found that I can't write anything when I'm not dangling a carrot of dirty sex in front of me. I'm not sure why, but anything tame I write comes out just plain awful instead of bearably bad. I've been trying to write tame stuff. The next chapter in both CV:C and this mess needs to be mostly tame, but I just.... can't. I'm going to practice some more stuff. More practice means more time. I need to find my time. Do you have the time?

3266954 Umm... uhh, Okay?:twilightsheepish: I think you mixed up the person order when you wrote out the message.:twilightsmile:

Oh Oh, I'm really good at tame stuff.:pinkiehappy: If of course you'd have me.

That I did. That I did. Clever.

3266975 please reread>>3266967.


Oh. Sorry. Missed the second part somehow. Not sure how.

Well, it turns out I don't work well with people in collaborations and whatnot. Between my dodgy schedule and off-putting communication skills, it leads to frustration from both parties. I appreciate the insinuated offer, but I must preemptively decline. Besides, I need to get better at it. The best way to get better at something you're bad at is to do it. And on the internet I don't care what negative things people say!

I actually miss clopfic.heroku a bunch because I got my best negative comments from there. I still remember one. About as sexy as a garbage disposal in a garage door fire or something like that. I miss that site. People here are too nice. I'm pretty sure that's one of the reasons I kinda lost steam as well. Those unending streams of hate kinda fueled me a little bit. Here everybody is all nice-ey...

3267102:ajbemused: Well, It's kinda hard for me to hate on something wher\n I've already seen the worst on the site. Literally:trixieshiftleft:

but I can try and tell you things I hate about you're story if you want.:twilightsmile:


I would honestly appreciate that a lot. There is no such thing as a bad review in my eyes, only non-existent reviews. It may lead to discussion though, which I like, but I'm not sure others do.

3267133I love discussions, as long as they are productive and not,
*hur dur stry sux bich, dun try agin.*:derpytongue2:

I prefer trying to talk about the values of the story and how some of them can be improved and stuff that doesn't quite fit with the story, kinda like what janushyde does when he writes his walls of text in other peoples stories.:twilightsmile:

This is the most fucked up clopfic I've ever read and "the smooze" has got to be the shittiest name for an omnipotent villain ever.
Loved it.

Holy hell. Grade A mind control and related fetishes in this story...

@Chapter8 - Oh Angel~<3 I love how you think you are their master. You should just be glad the smooze doesn't want a bunny slave. >=D


this btw

So the Smooze is basically a cross between a Lovecraftian elder god and the thing? Sure, why not.:unsuresweetie:
You always write the weirdest yet hottest stuff, I don't know if I should be deeply horrified or strongly aroused...

Thanks! It's actually ancient MLP history. I didn't (Entirely) make it up.


I want to write a story completely from Angels POV. And thanks for the link!


Something like that. But it's darkest secret is yet uncovered. OOga booga. Or something. I dunno. I'm pretty shitty at foreshadowing. And thanks!

3269849 I'm upvoting your comment to show my support for the idea. Would it be in the same universe?

3269830 I am horribly aroused.

Also, I am surprised Lovecraft didn't write about a malevolent being that is basically a sea of faces that fills it's host with it's essence to corrupt them and make them apart of it's 'family' of worshippers. Couldn't you imagine a lovecraftian, endless sea of faces that have the expression of the smooze. High octane Nightmare Fuel!

Oh dear the Human centipied all over again... or is it the melding of body's under Fluttershy's control, with the smooz as the pseudo name for their conglomerated conscience?

Eitherway, it is Ok going so far, but Fluttershy is really broken, I wonder how she captures Twilight? Hopefully it is during sleep, bypassing Twilight's waking defenses through a cheap trick otherwise the fight will be unrealistic. Or we can have Twilight escape, tell celestia, then Celestia Luna and twilight escape the Smooze with a few other pony's.(doubt it.) Well to see what really happens next.

It took me a while to figure out what I didn't like about this story. It's not that the pacing is slow (that can be a good thing anyway), it's that the pacing is too even.

Almost every chapter so far feels like buildup, without any explicit climaxes (in both sense of the word). Whenever you describe something that would fulfill that role, you have a habit of skimming over it (the end of this chapter is a good example). Instead of an intentional lead-in I feel I'm just getting a bunch of kinky content that was thrown together haphazardly. Instead of building up a proper scene, you just sort of keep going and going.

I saw the exact same problem in Competent Villains; Chrysalis—it just sort of puttered along without enough happening, and that's one of the main reasons why I stopped reading it.

I'm not saying buildup is bad, naturally; the best faps have a good amount of buildup and word foreplay. Your problem is that you don't cap that buildup with anything. Instead of being led to the end, your stories just sort of peter off and start another foreplay phase.

There's enough kinky content to fap to anyway—I've fapped to this story a fair number times—but it feels like an inevitable occurrence, not like a deliberate plan. I just keep going, and if I happen to finish then it never feels like the story planned it. Unlike CVC, which ostensibly was trying to put effort into its plot and didn't mind that impeding the clop, this story clearly has an excuse plot from the get-go.

There's also some typos ("lots" doesn't have an apostrophe) and bland description scattered about, but ultimately those are dwarfed by the pacing issues.

TL;DR: Exclusively foreplay and no money shots—doesn't work as well as it could. 6/10

Sweet! Thanks!

I know I have huge problems with pacing, but I have a hard time identifying them. I Guess I need to spend more time working on money shots in a storytelling sense. Pacing is something that eludes me, and being having a review like this is a great indicator.

I know it's rough, but could I ask you a favor? Could you identify a chapter that I wrote in this story that has better pacing? Simply so I can compare the two and see what I did different. It's hard for me to compare my stuff to other things, so if I could see what you would call the worst paced chapter compared to a better paced chapter, I might be able to improve. I think the chapter with RD has better pacing, but I'm a bad judge of this. Is this the case? And what makes them different? I really have no idea what I'm doing here.

I didn't realize I had this big of a problem with CV:C. The chapters are supposed to be designed with story climaxes built in to each chapter, with each chapter getting slightly more intense than the last, building to what was supposed to be "the" climax in a chapter or two. Hearing that I was fucking that up is actually wonderful, it gives me a new light to go look at the chapters with.

Bland description is a problem I have sometimes. I try to avoid them, but at the same time I don't like spending forever describing things that aren't really relevant to the story directly, but need to be around for the scene. I could spend forever describing flowers in a vase when the only important thing is that there are flowers. The problem is when I do that and it's an important bit of information I'm glazing over, or it's something directly related to the story.

I actually had a small disagreement with a pre-reader over that. They wanted way more detail about Fluttershy's morning in the first chapter, when that wasn't the important part of the story. All that you need to know is that she had a rough morning, not exactly how it was rough, and how many steps she took to rescue Mr. Beavers thirty seven lost and blind children who were abducted by an angry marmelot. Which is something I just made up.

But my point was, they wanted me to keep adding detail to the point of distraction. The problem was that they were right! I needed more details everywhere. But the balance and implementation of that is difficult to do efficiently. I ended up at first deleting details at the request of a pre-reader and then later another pre-reader admonished me for not having the deleted details. Holy heck, there was no winning! I still think there is no winning. But yes, I do use Namby pamby descriptive words when I can use much stronger and exciting words. I need to work on this, but have a poor eye for it still. This is another place I would love getting some help.

Oddly, CV:C started out as a list of fetishes that I thought would be funny to write into a clopfiction. This started out with a specific storyline in mind, and I thought I could throw some clop in it as well. Oops. Sometimes I'm bad at this.

So thanks for the awesome feedback. I love things like this! And can I get more somehow?


Thanks for the comment. You're gonna have to wait... And I don't think this is related to the human centipede, but I don't exactly know what that's actually about except eating poo.


Neat! It probably wouldn't work well in the same universe. But maybe a prequel? Who knows...

3302962 Actually I preferred CvC as it was going. the only chapter I saw that needed any changing plot wise was the first one, otherwise it was minor things here and there in the others. the story ran great as it was.:pinkiehappy:

this one I might drop if Twilight's joining turns out to be disappointing. unless of course you manage to keep Twilight from joining and the Smoz was just making up Twilight's capture and subsequent joining to capture Rainbow Dash.

Okay, Fluttershy from the future smacking present-Fluttershy like that was way too funny. :rainbowlaugh:

3268647 Dang it, I wanted to post that link! :raritywink:

*Ahem* Okay, loving this a lot. Glad you've got a new story up. So wrong... but so right. ;) Who's next to be converted? Rarity, perhaps? :raritystarry:

3302962 The AJ and Rainbow Dash chapters had the same issues really; they were over too quickly and not enough attention was given to the respective climaxes.

I think that the chapters with the best pacing were probably Lessons 1 and 2; put together they have a clearer arc and a better progression than the rest of the story. The obvious problem there, however, is that they don't feel like they should be two separate chapters. The transition from one chapter to the next creates too many hiccups in the pacing.

I'm afraid I don't really have any proper advice about the description; that's something I'm still trying to improve in my own writing :derpytongue2:

And sorry it took so long to reply (FIMfic didn't give me a reply notification :ajbemused:)

This going to continue?

Comment posted by tailsopony deleted Feb 10th, 2014

Are you alive, sir?

It's been almost a year and a half. Is this story dead, or merely on hiatus?

Dunno. If I feel like updating it I will. This story has an end and a beginning. I'd like to finish it, so we could get back to the beginning. I kinda started writing a horror themed T rated chapter that was going to be it's own stand alone story. From Twilight's perspective. But then I found that I can't write when it's not smut. And even my smut is super rapey, which is kind of disheartening sometimes. It made me kind of shelf the story till I felt like writing again.

Looking forward to the next chapter. Smooze is best everything.

Okay, I chuckled at the end. Now more of this and Competent Villains! :pinkiecrazy:

She didn’t want to wake Angel when she called out.

yes you do, Fluttershy!

I'm just waiting for when this "Future Fluttershy Changeling" thing pushes the wrong button, makes one mistake, or gets walked in on...
I can only imagine Pinkie Pie being the one who calls her out. I Bet a dime-a-dozen that Pinkie feels something wrong with her Pinkie Sense...

By the way, today’s lesson is that some things are best forgotten. It’s important, so remember that much, okay?

in other words! Forget Everything I Just Said, okay?!

“I said, ‘I’m going to help you take over the world.’”

“Oh... my.”

:rainbowlaugh: So Casual!!! :rainbowlaugh:

:rainbowlaugh: LOL! Someone needs to ship Smooze and Discord! This Is GOLD!! :rainbowlaugh:

Number one, I really like this story, this sort of half horror half sex stories really appeal to me, and I really hope it continues. Number two,"Ex-smooze me!" That took me far to long to get :rainbowlaugh:

I really liked writing the grotesque underground scene. Probably too much... I'll likely write more things like it later, just from a different perspective.


Heh, reminds me of the movie, "The Land of the Lost" XD

I'm willing to accept this ending.

And when did Shy absorb Twilight again?

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