Teenage Scootaloo is told by her doctors she will never be able to fly, at least not without a wing transplant. The procedure, however, is nine hundred thousand dollars, and that's if they can find a donor. Scootaloo is then told by her parents, Cherry Cola and Soda Pop, that they are moving back to Ponyville. But a lot's changed since Scootaloo was there last...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I swear, every time I see a short chapter that sucks, I just want to choke the author.
You should probably work with an editor on this. It's got pretty big problems, but a crapsack-world tragedy story like this isn't necessarily doomed to failure based on concept alone. I manage an editing group, but there are also others. Shop around. Grab some help. Don't get discouraged by the downvotes. Shoot, have an upvote.
But yes, <1,000-word chapters are a pretty big no-no.
Well, I'm done writing then. So I mean, if that's what you were going for, then cool, I hope the win was that important to you.
Thanks for at least telling me I fucking suck in a civil way. I appreciate it, people on the internet aren't always so generous.
bit of a nitpick but uhm...equestria's economy is 'bits' not 'dollars'
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Thanks for correcting me, those are the types of mistakes I rarely catch. If I wasn't so ashamed with my work, I might go back and fix it.
2618360
Egad son, get a spine. Your story sucks, boohoo. But you want to write, right? Well, guess what. You can improve. I've improved a lot, and that was in the course of only three months. Everyone starts somewhere, and most of the time we start out bad. You read other stories, you ask for help from the group Mr.Eldorado gave you.
You do not suck. Your story is bad, yes, but you can change that. So don't go because of people telling you that something that in all honesty was bad, was bad. You will improve.
We are interested in thy story. We enjoy thy idea of the elements falling apart and will follow thy scrolls with interest.
2618610
No, I can't improve. This abomination I dared call a story took weeks to write, and is completely the best I am capable of. I was actually proud of that, which is pathetic.
2620051
Tisk, are you an Archeops because you seem to have the ability 'defeatist'.
All Pokemon jokes aside, let me tell you a little story. I spent about a month writing my first story. If I had submitted it here, instead of deviantArt, where I got positive reviews (they don't know a lot about stories) and I continued writing, then I would have been destroyed. When I was comfortable on dA and then went onto FimFiction, I still got wrecked. But I kept writing, I listened to what people had to say.
My first story was so bad I don't even want to look back at it. Compared to now. Now, even though I've bowed out of writing pony fanfictions for the most part, I still check back here. And I can still give you criticism. So, let me tell you where you went wrong.
First: Word count.
My first shitty story was about fifteen thousand words, spread out among seven chapters. I had accidentally stumbled across a good formula for chapter length. If you make the chapters too short, you can't have that much detail (unless you're a super good writer). But chapters that are more than four thousand words are also annoying. Too long of a read some times. Of course, there are exceptions, but generally, at first, I'd stick to about two thousand, five hundred words a chapter as a nice mean number.
Next:
Terminology.
Alright, now, this is a bit of a nitpick, but just from reading the first chapter I noticed you have a 'CD' and 'DVD' player playing a small part in the chapter. And you referenced the internet and emails. Now, in canon the ponies are about as advanced as an early twentieth century first world country. We see film projectors (Hurricane Fluttershy), gramophones (Sweet And Elite) and flash photography (Most notably in Ponyville Confidential). Make sure you don't jump the gun too much with the tech in their world.
Third: Ways to write and edit better.
Don't include brackets/parentheses , tell it within the body of the story. You seem to use these () a lot in your story.
For example. With a bit of editing it could be this.
See, much better, then it gives a bit of a prelude into the next scene with Applejack. It's little things like forshadowing that you can do so subtly and quickly and it makes the story a lot better.
Another things, nitpicking again, but don't go and use CAPSLOCk to emphasis words. Italics are okay, but caps are just choppy.
Going into the Rarity chapter I finally begin to see that it's becoming a bit of skits. Maybe have them spend a bit more time around these broken characters, to introduce them a bit more.
Try not to reference other franchises. Say '
And these. Use it in narration.
Would be a better way of explaining.
'nother nitpick. You were good at it at first, but always write your numbers out. Three hundred forty, or three hundred and forty. And being born and raised on the metrics
Ah, time transitions. A perfect time to do a bit of showing. Instead of directly stating, or even saying it in the narration, have a character state that Rainbow Dash had been dead for three days.
Editing: Read through your work. Imagine you are someone else then read through your work. You'll pick up on things like missed capitalization and misspellings. (And remember that sometimes your spell check isn't right)
General tips.
Read. Read read read read read read read. Read a lot. Pick up words, big words you can use. Words that work so well in context that you just gotta use them.
Dictionaries are your friends. And thesauruses. Those help a lot too.
But you can, and will, get better.
Thorlol~the ghost reviewer.
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Let me explain my mistakes.
Using caps instead of itallics: This is a copy and paste. I originally wrote this somewhere that would not let me do itallics.
DVD and CD players: I understand this was jumping the gun a bit. Sorry :/
The parenthesis: I really do like your version of that a LOT better, hope you don't mind if I use it?
Word count: I'm extremely bad ith estimating. I can't tell if it's 200 words, or 2,000, until after I'm done. It's just how I am :/ just like how I can't tellt eh difference between one mile and ten.
Writing my numbers out: Good idea, I'll fix that
Referencing other franchises: I sat there for about 10 minutes trying to think of another way to describe it, but nothing came to mind. I like how you did it, I might do something similar.
CRASH: I'll keep Crash rather than what you wrote, but I'll use itallics rather than caps.
Transitions: Personally I liked them, but if you think it will make the story run smoother I'll follow your advice (Have someone state Rainbow has been dead for three days)
Read my story as if I am someone else: I don't really have a logical middle ground. I'm either extremely accepting or extremely critical. I'd either think "This is perfect, no mistakes, uploading" or "This is complete shit, I hate it, I deserve to die for writing it". That may be an exageration, but you see what I mean. I might have a friend proofread it.
Sweetie Belle's are your best friend: Sorry, couldn't resist. Anyway, I guess I've always thought I waas good in the spelling/grammar area. Guess I was wrong :/
You can, and will, get better: Thanks for saying that.
2621008
Here's a hint on word count. Depending on the program you use, there's usually a word count button somewhere.
2621124
I'll try to look for it if I retype this :/
I cried when Rainbow died.
2627844
That's almost a good thing.. it means you didn't hate my work, at least :)
Yeah,I mean,who would not cry at such a sad story! They should be ready because the tag is sad.
This story doesn't suck....
I bet if.....
(1) Chapters weren't strictly arranged so each pony had their own chapter (which seems to make sense when writing.... but creates predictability & causes the reader to lose interest).
(2) You followed some of Thorlol's advice (which looks equally daunting and good)
Then half or most of the comments would be:
"D'aaawwwwww!!!"
and maybe some
"Hhnnnnngh!!!!"
I tried writing a fanfiction two years ago (non-pony on fanfiction.net) and thought the same you are now.
Big difference tho: FimFiction readers actually give excellent critique & advice on how to improve.
So no, story doesn't suck.
After all, it's your first story and first stories never suck
But all first stories need work.
Mine sure as *squee* did......
Have an upvote in the meantime!
I don't even know why, but somehow I love this story. Sure, it might not be written perfectly and is improvable, but I really like the plot and the... randomness in here.
Hoping for more to come, I think this story is worth 3 of 5 Big Mac's.
2627948
Wow, thanks!
2628170
Thank you, I will do my best to fix it so it's more readable!
2629893
Haha thanks, I'll be sure to write more :)!
Wow! Three entire Big Macs?
I think the story is great! It could use improvement, but still it is wonderful and original. I caught the Silent Ponyville reference "Pinkamena"
2825984
Wow, thanks, that means a lot ^^