The Doctor Of Oz

by defender2222

Chapter 4

"So wait, ya'll are sure that babies don't come from a stork?"

Spike nodded, walking along the Yellow Brick Road with Scarejack and Twilight on either side of him. "Yeah, I think they are just a bit too heavy for them."

"Then how do they come about then?"

Twilight frowned in disgust. "Do we really need to have this conversation?"

"I wants ta know," Scarejack stated.

Spike tapped his chin, trying to think of how to best describe the miracle of procreation. "Let's pretend this stick is me," Spike said, snatched a fallen twig from the ground and twirling it between his fingers. "Only much smaller and thinner than I-"

"Spike..." Twilight warned.

"And this leaf is Rar... I mean a dragoness that I want to get with who is totally NOT Rarity."

"Real subtle there, Spike," Twilight muttered, looking around for a table to bash her head against.

"Now, I stick this stick into the leave and BOOM, you get a baby."

Scarejack cringed at the sight of the ripped and torn up leave. "That sounds mighty disgustin'. Couldn't the leaf just rub against another leaf?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Huh, and I thought Rainbow Dash was the one who'd-"

"Awesome sauce..." a weak voice called out to their right.”Awesome sauce..."

"I'd like to again vote on us ignoring the call for help and getting a move on," Spike said. He grinned, holding out his hands. “Now, before you decide, let me lay out some of the benefits that would come from not getting involved: we would live, we could leave here sooner, no singing crows-“

Twilight shook her head, letting out a weary sigh. "No Spike." Taking a left off the yellow brick road (Exit 307 to the Dirt Packed Road, which led into the forest and also had a McDonalds to the right), the group pushed through some thick undergrowth (apparently whoever was in charge of Oz's lawn care services was slacking), heading towards the call. Finally making it through the tangled mess of long grass and bushes (without once having a wild encounter with any Pokémon, digimon or metabots) the threesome entered a clearing and discovered the source of the cries.

"Rainbow Dash?" Twilight said in shock. As soon as she spoke the words, however, Twilight realized that this strange pony only had a passing resemblance to her friend. Last time Twilight had seen Rainbow, she hadn't been made of metal... and certainly didn't have any rivets or bolts holding her together. Another tale-tell sign that this wasn't Rainbow Dash was the fact that the mare hadn't moved an inch since the group had entered the clearing.

Spike frowned, staring at 'Rainbow Dash' and her metal wings. "If she begins doing monologues about abstracts, I'm out of here." When Scarejack looked at him, Spike shrugged. “Seriously, who would even want to spend any time or… let’s just say 60+ chapters… listening to that.”

“Better than listenin’ to some bloodthirsty capricorn,” Scarejack reasoned.

"Awesome sauce," 'Rainbow' grunted out through clenched teeth, reminding them of the plot.

"Lordy, that lawn ornament can talk!" Scarejack exclaimed. "What'll they think of next?"

Twilight scanned the clearly, finally spotting a small oil can sitting on a stump. "Is this what you want?"

'Rainbow' began to strain and snort, trying to nod her frozen head.

"She looks upset," Scarejack commented. "Maybe you should put that down."

"NOOO! NOOO!" 'Rainbow' wailed.

"See, she agrees with me.” Scarejack pulled out a shotgun. “Now, don’t move… I ain’t the best shot with this so it might take a few hits ta kill ya-“

Spike's brow furrowed. "She said no."

"Right, and a double negatron makes it so she means the opposite."

"I think you mean 'negative' and she didn't use one. She was just repeating 'nooo!' twice," Twilight stated, using her magic to lift the can up and take it over to the frozen mare. 'Rainbow' shut her eyes as the honey-colored Awesome Sauce coated her form. "You know, I once had a dream that began like this."

"How did it end?" Scarejack asked.

"Rainbow Dash turned into my 10th grade teacher Mr. Feeney and I realized we were in the middle of downtown Manehattan during a capricorn attack."

"YES!" 'Rainbow' cried out, flexing her now freed wings. "I have been stuck there for 5 minutes and I was about ready to blow my brains out!"

"Hey! No need to go wastin'em! Some of us would be likin' those brains!" Scarejack complained. “At least when I was gonna shoot ya I was aimin’ for the chest!”

'Rainbow' shrugged. "Meh, not my problem." She took to the air, happily flying in circles over their heads. "I'm just glad you nerds came by when you did!"

"Nerds?" Twilight said in annoyance. "I'll have you know I am a scholar and a librarian."

"A hot librarian who likes to let her hair down and party?" 'Rainbow' asked, waggling her eyebrows.

"No... the kind that does her job and occasionally saves Equestria from threats because our military sucks and the captain of the guard is too busy shagging my old foalsitter."

"... like I said, a nerd."

"I'm not a nerd!" Spike complained. "Ask anyone in my D&D club! My Level 37 Paladin with the Staff of Eternal Frost and a Level 19 Cloak of Despair proves I am no nerd!"

"I can't be a nerd," Scarejack pointed out. "Nerds are smart."

'Rainbow' flew over to Scarejack, inspecting her closely. "Huh... I need you to prove you aren't a nerd... what is 2 x 2?"

Scarejack frowned. "I ain't to good at spelling thinks. Does it start with a T?"

'Rainbow' smirked. "Ok, not a nerd, just a moron!"

"That's what I was tellin' ya! Thank ya!" Scarejack exclaimed.

"Wait, she just-" Twilgiht began, only for Rainbow to hold her hoof up.

"Give her a second."

…

…

…

…

…

…

"...hey!"

'Rainbow' began to float on her back, giggling up a storm. "Wow, you ponies are just too easy!"

Twilight glared at the metal version of her friend. "Why are you being so mean? If it weren't for us you'd be stuck here, more useless than the entire Canterlot Army!"

"Well, she is all gray…oh no! She was Discorded!" Spike said, pulling out some Holy Water. "The Power of Picard compels you! The Power of Picard compels you!"

"Hey, stop that!" Rainbow cried as she began to rust up. "No, stop it! No... arrrgggggggg!" Rainbow crashed to the ground, her entire right side having frozen up. "Aw man!"

Twilight glared at the metal pony. "Start acting like a sane, rational mare or I am going to spray this liquid on you till you freeze up and die!"

"Wow, this got grimdark in a hurry," Spike said. “Or sexy… I’m not quite sure.”

"Grimdark? I ain't seein' no Dinobots." Scarejack looked around in confusion.

Rainbow strained, trying to reach the awesome sauce can that Twilight was keeping juuuuuuuuust out of reach. "Ok, ok, I'll talk, I'll talk!" There metal panels that made up her form clanged as she lowered her head is sadness. "I am the Tin Dash and my story is a rather sad, moving tale that would totally win several Oscars and maybe even a Tony award." Tin Dash sighed as she began her tale. "I was born on an assembly line in Dragico City, Dragico. I was created to be the ultimate-"

"Stunt pony?" Spike asked.

"-killing machine. My programmer, Sky Netter, wanted me to kill all ponies because he'd once gotten a bad egg salad sandwich at a mall that is now closed."

"Wow, that is the second biggest over-reaction I've ever heard of," Twilight said in shock.

"What was the first?" Scarejack asked.

"Well..."

~Many Years Ago~

Princess Celestia, goddess of the sun and the ruler who the most time on her hooves (seriously, she has time to check in on six mares… doesn’t she have a country to run or something?), walked through a little known part of her castle known as the ‘living room’. She looked about, her brow furrowed in annoyance. "Discord, have you seen my copy of Ponies Today?"

The spirit of chaos, who was in an easy chair sipping some ice tea and reading the web comic Hearts of Plastic on TFW2005.com (coughshamelessplugcough), glanced over at the Celestia and frowned. "I think I put it in the magazine rack."

"THAT ISN'T A MAGAZINE, IT IS A WEEKLY NEWS JOURNAL! STONE VISION!"

"Noooooo!" Discord cried out in agony as he was turned to stone.

~Meanwhile, back at the plot...~

"Ha!" Tin Dash laughed. "That Discord guy sure got screwed over like a little punk!"

"You really are heartless, aren't you?" Spike said.

Tin Dash frowned at this. "And I wouldn't I be? I am a super awesome flyer that rusts as soon as she gets a drop of water on her." Tin Dash lifted her rusty wing as proof. "To make matters worse, my creator ended up being contacted by the makers of the sandwich and they apologized and gave him a gift card to Quills of Sofas! Now he doesn't want to kill all ponies so I am jobless." Tin Dash kicked at a dirt clod. "Then there was a fire at my apartment so now I have to live in this crappy forest."

"I don't think it’s that bad," Spike said. "Maybe a bit dark but you put up some curtains, maybe dust a bit-"

"No, that is its name: This Crappy Forest." Tin Dash gestured towards a Historical Site Sign that was slightly hidden behind an oak tree. "It was first settled by Baron Von This Crappy and his wife, the Baroness That Crappy. That Crappy Forest is just a few miles away."

"Huh," Twilight stared at this info. "I should complain about the nonsensicalness of all that, but then I realize that I live in Ponyville, the most unoriginally named town ever."

Rainbow nodded sadly. "Plus my creator forgot to install my heart." She opened her chest to reveal the cavity to be empty. "It’s kinda like what happened to Dumby McGee over here."

"Where's Dummy?" Scarejack exclaimed, rushing over to a rose bush and sticking her head in. "hello, Miss McGee? Where ya at? Please come out, this bush if giving me cut-kisses!”

"She was talking about you," Spike said.

Scarejack yanked her head out of the rose bush. "... my last name is McGee?"

"Sure, why not."

Twilight sighed, rubbing her temples. "Listen, the little fillies in the village a few miles from here said that in the Emerald City there is a Doctor who can get me home. I am sure he can get you a heart too."

"Why would you think that?" Dash asked, finally managing to snag the awesome sauce and pour it all over her metallic body (it wasn’t as sexy as it sounds). "Seems like you are taking a pretty big logical leap."

"He's a doctor... it makes more sense for him to give out hearts and brains then tickets home."

"Plus," Spike added, "we already killed a witch and two crows, so having a robotic monster would be nice."

"You are going to kill things?" Tin Dash said excitedly. "Count me in!"

"We are not going to kill things!" Twilight exclaimed in frustration, punching a tree with her hoof. "I swear, not a single thing will die by my hoof while I am here!"

"Then... why did you kill me?" the tree Twilight had struck whined before falling over, dead.

"... starting now!" Twilight declared.

Comments

[DJ TR33]

Wat.

Just wat.

[BBkat]

Now, I stick this stick into the leave

Leaf.

"If she begins doing monologues about abstracts, I'm out of here." When Scarejack looked at him, Spike shrugged. “Seriously, who would even want to spend any time or… let’s just say 60+ chapters… listening to that.”

You just love to poke fun at yourself.

Sky Netter

I see what you did there.

[BradtheBrony]

Horray! A new chapter!

But in all seriousness... THE POWER OF PICARD COMPELS YOU!!!

[SolidBlackPanda]

Still hilarious. We need a Twilight Kills counter. So far, she's killed something in almost every chapter.

[Knight of Lycaeus]

This is so random but so hilarious. Where this goes and where they end up no one knows. I wonder how long before everyone cracks from the insanity.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

2758555 You mean like Krillin's owned count?

[blazikenking]

It's a good thing I'm not allergic to silliness. Otherwise, I would have *dies*

Seems I was allergic and had a mild reaction.

[Talon and Thorn]

I sort of thought Dash would be the cowardly lion rather than Bender, I mean the tin man.

[UnitSeven]

All I can say about this is...

Awesome Sauce.

I WANT MORE!!!!

please?

[SuperPinkBrony12]

2759584 Now I can totally picture Rainbow Dash saying this:

[dudebladeX]

2758555 so far: 4; the witch, crow one, and crow two, and now the tree.

[SolidBlackPanda]

2758873 Exactly!

[rannu182]

2759584 I Would quess the lion to be Fluttershy. Would kind of fit better.

[Talon and Thorn]

2764806

I guess that would make sense, although I think Fluttershy as a flying monkey would be funny.

"Umm, excuse me can I please carry you off to the witch now? If you don't mind."

"No!"

"Oh, I'm sorry but she's my boss and I don't want to get a bad review this year, please can I kidnap you?"

"Ah, the cuteness it burns! Oh, alright then."

"Yay!"

[rannu182]

2765222 I quess it would be funny...(my face when reading your coment:)

[Spirit Shift]

You know...up until now i have tried so very hard..to hold it together, to sit straight and read this calmly no matter how funny the joke but thus line here:

"Well, she is all gray…oh no! She was Discorded!" Spike said, pulling out some Holy Water. "The Power of Picard compels you! The Power of Picard compels you!"

Made me lose my stuffing and fall out laughing

[Cyborg Princess Selene]

>>"I don't think it’s that bad," Spike said. "Maybe a bit dark but you put up some curtains, maybe dust a bit-"
"No, that is its name: This Crappy Forest." Tin Dash gestured towards a Historical Site Sign that was slightly hidden behind an oak tree. "It was first settled by Baron Von This Crappy and his wife, the Baroness That Crappy. That Crappy Forest is just a few miles away."<<

This. And the last part. My god.

[ShadowLDrago]

2758223

Trying to apply logic? You must be new here.

[DJ Basse]

Spike frowned, staring at 'Rainbow Dash' and her metal wings. "If she begins doing monologues about abstracts, I'm out of here." When Scarejack looked at him, Spike shrugged. “Seriously, who would even want to spend any time or… let’s just say 60+ chapters… listening to that.”

You're starting to make me feel bad for reading and liking your stories. Are you sure you want to do that?