Keeping an Open Eye
(As a reminder, don't expect anything AAA quality, at least not yet. I'm new to writing like this and any helpful advice, praise, honest criticism would be great, as long as it isn't downright rude).
As Twilight Sparkle sees Celestia teleport back to Canterlot, she has a uncomfortable feeling about the creature in her home. It never looked like any pony or anything she has seen. It had no hooves, was taller than any pony out there, and looked somewhat threatening.
"I hope Spike comes back from Rarity soon." Twilight says in a unerving voice.
Just then, a knock on the door is heard. Quickly, Twilight heads to the door and opens it. Relieve and happy to see it was her assistant and friend, Spike.
"Hey Twilight. I just finished working with Rarity and because she thinks I'm such an amazing gem collecter, she let me keep this delicious ruby." Spike says holding his reward.
"That's great Spike, I'm glad that you are happy but I need you to do me a favor."
"Sure Twilight, what do you need me to do?"
" Something very important but can you promise me not to mention this favor to anyone?" Twilight says in a now more serious tone
"Ok" spike says in a slightly uneasy tone
"Thank you." Twlight says as she walks back to her bookshelf, finding book/s on abnormal beings
"So.... What do you need me to do Twilight?" spike says as he walks inside, and shuts the door
"I need you to keep a watch on a strange creature I found in my bed a hour ago"
"Creature?!" Spike says shocked "You mean that you're keeping something that you don't even know the name of?"
"Celestia said that this creature isn't from Canterlot, she thinks that it might be from another world. I need you to keep on eye on it so that it doesn't escape or possibly wreck my home. We don't want to risk it hurting any pony out there. Are you up to the task?"
"Will do Twilight!" Spike says in a more heroic tone
"Thank you Spike, I'll be studying on who or what this creature is. If anything gets out of hand or you need help, call me. It seems to be inactive at the moment so there shouldn't be a problem."
"No problem" spike says as he walking to Twilight's room
As Spike makes his way to Twilight's room, he gently opens the door and enters the room and sees the strange creature laying upon Twilight's bed, motionless, almost as it were dead. As Spike gently closes the door. He spots a chair next to the door, and moves the chair just a few feet closer to the creature. He then sits on the chair while laying his precious ruby in his lap and watches the creature for some time.
"That thing is creepy. I could see why Twilight was serious with this task but if Celestia was here a hour ago, wouldn't it be better if she assigned a guard to watch something like this?" Spike says nervously in his mind.
To lighten himself up a bit. Spike gets the ruby Rarity gave him which lays on his lap, and decides to eat it.
"This looks delicious" Spike quietly says drooling on the ruby. As he is about to feast on the ruby, the drool on the ruby and the tight grip makes the ruby slip out of his hands and silently lands close to the creature's hand."
"Rats, it's right next to him" spike says in mind, panicking. The creature remained motionless. Spike was worried that if he tries to recover his ruby, it might wake up.
"If I don't get back my ruby, he might eat it and I did work hard for it. Maybe if I "carefully" get it back, it won't wake up."
Spike then leaves his chair and starts to walk as quietly as possible to the creature. Just a few feet away from it, Spikes heart starts to race and trembles the more closer he walks towards the creature.
Now next to it. Spike then reaches out his hand slowly and carefully to his ruby and just as he touches it...
"HI TWILIGHT!" which sounds like Pinkie Pie, outside the room.
Startled, Spike slapped the ruby which landed next to Spike's left foot, and his hand touched the creature's hand. Spike then quickly looked at the creature's face to see any signs of movement, the creature remained motionless.
"That was a close one. Might as well get my ruby." Spike says in his mind as he slowly begins to pick it.
"I am one sneaky little guy." Spike said with a chuckle, proud to reclaim his prize.
As Spike walks quietly back to his chair, he then hears a very quiet, raspy voice behind him.
"SYSTEM RECOVERY. ACTIVATE DEFIBRILLATOR."
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I guess that works but beyond the knowledge of it existing and what they are called/are would be pushing it! The concept works, and I really will be disappoint if he doesn't freak out and thrash some royal guards in his panic.
good so far, but tread carefully my friend, you venture on thin ice.
212203 How?
212227
There has been too many times where i read a story where the writer has some good idea and then the writer totally bombs it and i'm left there going like "WTF did i just read?".
Plz, don't disappoint me
212301 I thought you said that I was on the verge to screw it up or making it a pile of trash. I digress, don't worry. I'll do my best to make the story good and entertaining. I have some interesting ideas that are in the works but for what to expect in the future, here is a portion on what to expect.
- There will be no pointless love side story.
-Alcatraz will most likely stay mute. I don't like the idea of giving him a personality such as those in the COD series, or the streotypes like "the silent but deadly", "bad boy renegade", or anything at all.
-Will characters die? Yes since this is a war.
Any advice you want to offer would help.
212197 I personally would find it strange that Celestia, a 1000 year old ruler (and beyond) with vast knowledge and power wouldn't have the slightest speck of knowledge with humans or other lifeforms. As for Alcatraz going hostile, I have small a idea like that but I will not make him go Postal or make it a big part of the story because I'm not aiming for that. Something much different that will tie in with the Ceph and Earth.
212346 What I mean is that beyond basic knowledge of humans would mess things up, aka her knowing about tech and such [ It fucks up a story believe me ]. Also going mute on Alcatraz is kinda weird[since Celestia has vast knowledge of blah blah blah you get the point] . I mean making the main protagonist speechless will make for hilarious confusion but beyond that it will get annoying later. I'm just gonna throw my suggestions out : 1. Make him silent for a while till he gets used to the situation and decides to voice his opinion [ the expressions would be priceless ] 2. Or just make him talk very little and annoy everypony[ a personality like Rorschach or Alex Mercer would fit him well if you need examples] . Keep in mind that the nano suit 2.0 is a wonder of tech what I'm saying is that the little robots doing all the hard work adapt really fast to the environment [ aka magic since it will be used on him] thus giving at least a bit of an edge to show that messing with an Alien creature will likely end up in a : "F**k with me and die'' situation[ Just keep that in mind would you ?] !
212411 You seem to worry too much. Celestia might be wise but she doesn't know everything. At the most, Celestia and Twilight know its a living being but aside of that, they have no useful/important knowledge about humans or their technology. I may give Alcatraz a little dialogue but I don't want him to be a streotype soldier like most games, or give him a personality because I'm trying to aim for a mostly silent protagonist (people like Gordan Freeman from Half Life, Point Man from F.E.A.R. ,etc.) Although I would like you to give me examples of characters like Alex Mercer, Rorschach as you mentioned. I digress, would you clarify the "little robots doing the hard work" part? Aside from that, you really have nothing to worry about the story at the moment.
Hmm, Alcatraz can go invisible. Go Super strength mode. Eh I am Curious to see which one he uses.
221814 Wall-o-text inbound!
On a serious note: I second this. He is a total badass and should be written as such. But I do like the concept thus far.
223704 Lol. But I digress, I know that Alcatraz is a killing machine badass (or should I say Nanosuit 2.0). But I don't want to kill off ponies by Alcatraz's hands and then making him go postal.
224862 Right, that would be kinda weird. Btw, weren't there a third chapter?
225675 I honestly just hated the 3rd chapter. I'm completely re-writing it from scratch since I found that scene pointless and absurd.
227285 Well that gets rid of my critique... Anyway, hope it fairs better on the rewrite!