• Member Since 3rd Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 30th, 2019

superpony55


Hello, I'm superpony55. I used to be on this site a lot, but I've sort of lost interest in MLP. My older stories are not very good quality, but I hope you enjoy anyway.

Sequels1

E

Ponyville has had a hard winter. What will happen when they run out of food? Will they make it?

1st part of the Frozen Friends series.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 18 )

Please give me advice to make the story better! :twilightsmile:

Her missing so many apple family reunions :ajbemused: you hear her name in the first eps. Other than that its going in my favorites, and makes me wonder how much does one bit cost.

2605085

I know, I almost changed her name because of that! :twilightsmile:

i love this story! it was so raw, yet so familiar and relatable to me.:eeyup:

2680523

Thank you- has something like this happened to you? :twilightsmile:

2680725
:fluttershyouch:
i know what it's like to go hungry.when my mother was too wasted, i would use whatever money i got and bought enough food for my brothers to eat. i would not eat for three days whenever we starved, but i always made sure my brothers had food.

2680748

Wow. That's really sad. I feel bad for you. :fluttershysad:

2680776

its alright now. my brothers and i were taken in by some really nice people and our mother no longer has us anymore.

A very good story. A nice idea to go into something like this. Something some people might even relate to. I don't, but I'm certain there are people out there unfortunate enough who have experienced what they have.

That said, I can't help but critique a few things. I think it's actually a pretty good story. I think it could get better with a few things. First off, I don't like how the perspective changes suddenly a few times when changing scenes between AJ and Brown Betty. That kind of bugged me, especially at the end, where they were together. Perhaps keep in mind that it can get confusing, so if you do something like this again, at least change it to third perspective.

Also, it could be more descriptive. By that, I mean, I think more emotion could go into the story. I want to know the anguish and scare Applejack is feeling. Her family is starving, hey, Ponyville is few on their food stash, and there's nothing she could do about it. All she can do is wait for her cousin to help them all. It's a sad story, but I wasn't sold on it because I didn't feel the characters like I wanted to. Also, a few added elements like scenery could help. You can add how it looks, how they all look, to show how bad things are. Use the surroundings and the senses to help add to the emotion of any story.

Also, I don't like how Applejack felt so subjective to not give Granny Smith the last apple for Apple Bloom. I would think she would do anything for her sister. And unless we saw Applejack lying badly, I don't get why she lied when someone came in. Perhaps these could just be the hunger getting to her, but still, it felt off. But if there's anything I'm not quite good at is writing a good Applejack character, so I shouldn't judge too hard.

It was a thousand words, but it definitely could have been longer with this alone. Nonetheless, it was a decent story on its own. I had no problems with grammar or anything, and overall, I can much talent in your writing, I really do. Just keep in mind what I said about using your surroundings and senses to add to a story. :raritywink: Good job!

Comment posted by SpaceCommie deleted Aug 24th, 2013

Congratulations! This story has officially been graded a Sapphire by The Gem Hunters.

You could stand to put in a little bit more emotion than you have, but it's overall a clever idea and nicely executed. Good work.

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