• Member Since 28th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 5th, 2016

Roman Empire


Pinkie Pie has always been strange, but now her unique behavior has landed her on the psych ward. Her friends are distraught, of course, but none more so than Rainbow Dash. The cyan pegasus is unable to function in daily life without that ever-present party pony by her side. So when Twilight finds a spell that can save their friend, will Rainbow be able to risk the ultimate sacrifice? Will she be prepared to enter the mind... of Pinkie Pie?

Short oneshot I thought up for my creative writing final. It's my first MLP fanfiction (at least, the first that's fictional). Credit for the cover goes to Canor98 of Deviantart.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 10 )

This was amazing! I love it!:heart::heart::heart::pinkiecrazy::pinkiegasp::rainbowwild:

Very heart warming story!
It didn't make me shed tears but it was a good read.
I give it 7/10! :yay:

2648599>>2648196 Thank you both!

hmmm, I like the story as a general concept, however, I feel that there are some things that need some work to actually get something very good out of this story.

so I'll point out the things I liked and the things I think you could work on more.

I like basic concept of the idea and the explination that you gave (or at least that I understood) that pinky's abilities to break the laws of reallity being the cause of her mind to just slip into a state of pure insanity seemed pretty solid. HOWEVER!, when Rainbow Dash was inside Pinky´s head, when she said that she just wanted to party forever and that there was nothing more important to her than her parties, it made me feel that there was alot more to just breaking a few universal rules, I strongly feel that you could've even gone a whole chapter (that might just be me) explaning a situation in the real world where Pinky kept being push more and more to wish to be on a party that could just last forever.
The fact that she KNEW she was in the institutional hospital and still didn't care about it makes me feel that there has to be a reason from the real world for her to wish to never return.

During the time where Rainbow was in Pinky´s head seemed to be way too short for me, the problem was presented to her, and just by looking sad, Pinky instantly wished to be free from that world, for me it seemed that the problem was way more complicated than that to be fixed just but a pouty face. Yes, I totally agree that the solution to Pinky's problem is, in fact, her realizing that her friends need her, and that they mean more to her than any problem that she might have, BUT, I feel that it should have taken some work and effort for Rainbow to actually be able to show this to her and (again, this might just be me) this could have been a whole chapter on its own.

The last thing that I found a bit annoying is that the cause of Pinky´s actual state, even though it's kind of suggested, is not fully explained nor even mentioned. I know Pinky´s personality is so close to the one of a maniac but still, I just can't see her going into a state of mind as the one she was depicted in the story just because (suggestion, maybe a discution with one of her friends that made her think that she was annoying from time to time and that they'd be better off without her, or something like that, up to you).

so in resume:

-a stronger explination of Pinky´s psycological state (maybe relive or just explain the situation) one that can be felt in some way while being inside Pinky´s mind

-a longer, more conflicting confrontation inside Pinky's head

and that's it, you work on those things and I'm pretty sure you'll have a great story, because I like the general idea of it, it just need a bit more work so it can become the great story that it can be.

I hope this helps you and hope I didn't sound hard on oyu in any way, I just want to help :twilightsmile:

2649940 I foresaw many of those errors when I wrote the story. As I finished it, I couldn't help but be disappointed in myself. I know the story and concept are good, and I know I fell short of my full potential. In my defense, this is the single-longest thing I've ever written - I'm a scientist, not a writer. If you can find me an author willing to revitalize the parts of the story that aren't up to par, by all means, send him my way.

And in my defense, I had a deadline in which I had to have this finished. :scootangel:

But I thank you for your constructive criticism nonetheless.

2649849 You are welcome! Have a nice day/night! :eeyup::moustache::rainbowwild:

really good story bro, keep it up! :twilightsmile:

Wonderful. Absolutely, absolutely wonderful. One of the few Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash friendshipping stories I remember now, and I have loved the pair and their friendship for years.

Thank you so, so much :rainbowkiss: :pinkiehappy: :twilightsmile::heart:

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