Chapter 22 - The Storm
~~~~~Golden Oaks Library, Late that night~~~~~
It was a dark and stormy night...
Tia thought with no small amount of trepidation as she peered out of the windows of the library. Spike - upon learning that they were to have a very certain visitor - had hastily volunteered to go spend the evening at Sweet Apple Acres. The library thus secured, Tia had spent most of the remaining evening watching the massive storm slowly develop over Ponyville.
She'd seen more than her share of storms over the ages, but there was definitely something different about this one. Perhaps it was because for the first time since she was a little filly, she was truly vulnerable and frightened. She drank in the sight of swirling pitch black clouds as she strained to see the pegasi darting to-and-fro through the storm. Most of them were wearing the lightning-retardant flight suits used especially for dangerous work such as this, and all of them had donned protective goggles. Even now, the rumble and peal of thunder grew louder by the moment and the air was heavy with a sense of dreadful waiting.
Yet there was beauty there too in the raw power of the storm, a sense of awe and wonder at the titanic forces the hoof-full of pegasi now harnessed, much as they had since time immemorial. Very few ponies today knew the chaos of natural weather - driven by unpredictable forces that were seated deep within the very roots of the earth. Even Celestia, with centuries of study and knowledge on her side, knew only a little about the why of natural weather. Perhaps that was why even the griffons, for all of their pride and self-reliance would without fail come to her every growing season for a few moons of stable weather.
Tia crossed her hooves as the candle's she'd lit grew dim and flickered out - leaving the only light in the room to come from the frequent flickers of lightning across the sky. She watched silently, her mind awash in its own set of roiling thoughts and bolts of realization as she felt small before the storm. What do I do now? She wondered silently, feeling the cool air beginning to pick up speed as the first droplets of rain began to fall. What am I? She didn't know the answer to that one either - nor any of a thousand other questions she silently asked herself as the rain turned into a steady drizzle.
Alone in her library, in the dark, and without any distractions to occupy her mind, Tia found herself ranging back over three thousand years of decisions. For the first time in untold centuries her confidence in had been cracked wide open with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. And in my arrogance, how many lives have I ruined? How much damage have I done to this world with my certainty? Self-doubt and examination was a terrible state to be in, and she knew that well. Yet she had a responsibility to face those doubts, if ever she was to gain the forgiveness of the ones she loved so much. Especially if she was ever to attain Twilight's forgiveness.
The rain spattered against her hooves and her nose - and she did not move, for she could not move. Certainty had fled from her completely, and taken with it both confidence and courage. Her destiny had seemed so clear to her, her vision of the future as clear and unclouded as a shimmering summer’s day. Now she stared into the black abyss of the clouds overhead and could not tell the difference between it and her ability to see past tomorrow. It was dark and swirling, interspersed only with the briefest flashes of light and hope. There was no telling what lay before her now, and it terrified her.
The rain fell in a slowly increasing torrent - the cold water splashing against her face and coat like nothing so much as a thousand slaps from a thousand tiny hooves. What should she do? What should her next course of action be? She no longer trusted her old plans, her old plots - all too surely they had been infected by the madness that had nearly cost her the life of her daughter. Even now, she could still see them - Twilight, her daughter. Shining Armor, her most trusted knight. Luna, her sister. Confronting her. Challenging her.
She had been prepared to strike them all down.
The rain was coming in torrents now, but Tia was dead to the world even as the rain soaked her down to the bone. She had been ready - willing - to kill or maim the ones she loved for her precious plans. And in that moment, as she realized what she had been prepared to do... all of what she knew, all of what she had been, had shattered in an instant. It had left nothing behind but a hollow shell of grief and guilt. She was not worthy to call herself a Princess - she was not even worthy to call herself an Alicorn. She was worthy of nothing but a swift and decisive death in order to ensure she never harmed another living soul. And then, to her astonishment - Luna had forced her to confront her own errors, and forced her to face them.
Now she could not turn from them - she could not turn her eyes away from the swirling and opaque blackness of a future she could no longer predict. So what should she do? Who should she become? Should she form the deep attachments it seemed that Harmony was practically begging her to do? Should she remain aloof, knowing that one day she would be forced to return to her old life? Did she even want to be an Alicorn any longer? Did she have a choice, or would the choice be made for her?
Questions swirled in her head as a massive bolt of thunder ripped through the sky, and Tia cared not at all for it. Let the weather rage, let the storm howl and scream at her. It was nothing less than she deserved for having so long shut her ears to the world. What should she do? A thousand possible options lay before her, each of them with results utterly alien to her mind. She felt like she was cracking, like she was peanut brittle being shattered - her thoughts scattering into tens of thousands of shards of thought. She chased after answers, searching for the patterns she knew lay beneath all actions yet she could not find a single one. They slipped away from her like so many glittering butterflies.
Her hooves gripped her soaking mane and she lowered her head into the torrent of rain, the pain of a headache beginning to overtake her with each passing moment. What am I? She asked herself again, practically screaming in her own head. I'm not a princess. I'm not a ruler. I'm not an Alicorn. I'm not a mother. I'm not a sister. I'm not a librarian or a wizard or a planner or even a seer. I am not Harmony. What is there left? What is left of the one who was me? What am I now? Who am I now? Am I Tia? Celestia? Am I some other creature altogether?! Her thoughts raced in circles after one another, unaware of the tears streaming down her face - the wetness lost in the rain and the howling wind.
Blindly, she stared out into the rain, beseeching it for answers it could not give. Tia sucked in slow breaths, her body beginning to shiver in cold from the driving rain and wind. I am so scared. Her thoughts whispered softly, as she felt her mane plastered against her cheeks. These feelings, these emotions in my heart... when I look upon my...my.. my friends I feel this rush of belonging, this limitless joy. When I felt Chaser's lips upon mine, I wished to know more about love and lust... when I talk and laugh with Cheerilee, I cannot think of anywhere else in the world I would rather be. When Ditzy holds me in her hooves, I have never felt safer or more loved in my entire life... Vinyl makes me feel like there is nothing I could not do, if only I had the confidence to do so... and of course, Bon Bon, to whom I could speak of anything and know that she would never fail to have the wisdom to see me through it. I don't want to be anypony other than Tia Sunbeam, yet I know I am not her. Or am I? Tia did not know. Or perhaps it was wiser to say Celestia did not know. But could she ever truly be Celestia again?
In the cold and rain, a little white unicorn stared up into the darkness - her tongue darting across her lips. "I don't know what to do... I don't know who I am." She whispered softly into the sky. A blazing ripple of thunder and lightning answered her, as though the world itself could hear her voice. As though Harmony truly was listening out there in the controlled chaos of the weather, and it was judging her. "All I know... All I know is..." She stumbled over the words, feeling numb for some silly reason. "I don't think I'm Celestia anymore." the words stumbled out of her - and a blast of lightning strong enough to nearly blind her arced across the sky in response.
Then the tears overtook her, her chest heaving with breathing she could no longer control. The sobs escaping out of her throat and the feeling of despair overtaking her. The storm was now in full frenzy now, slamming into the town around her like the fist of some angry elemental. Hopelessness flooded through the room, seeming to gray out the colors of everything around her. She didn't even know who she was anymore - she didn't know the future or the present. Only the past was thrown into sharp relief in her mind, and all she could see were the terrible mistakes she had made.
And then a voice cut through the storm, a triumphant call to battle - a voice that rang with concern and terror. "Sister!" Luna screamed, Tia's head turning to face the voice and feeling oddly heavy. Her body seemed to refuse her commands, slowly falling towards the floor. A bright blue, warm wing swept out and pulled her away from the window - the cerulean glow of magic and the sound of a window slamming shut cut through the daze of thoughts Tia was still swimming in - the feel of her soaked coat, her chilled muscles and mind - her eyes hurting from staring into the rain for so very long. "Oh goddess, sister - what has happened to thee?" Luna's voice was aching with fear and concern, even as Tia felt the fuzzy softness of a towel vigorously being applied to her coat.
Warmth enveloped her even as the towel dried away the wet - the soft familiar feel of her sister’s wings, the murmurs of concern and love as the chill slowly began to ebb away from her body. Even so, her head was still muzzy with thought and her body numb from the cold... and other things. So she did not speak, though she desperately wished to. Tia simply clung to Luna as she was dried off, her sobbing slowly ebbing away. Words were not needed for a time, only the gentle presence of her sister to whom she owed so much. Time passed as the tears slowed to a halt, and warmth seeped back into Tia's body. "Did I err, dearest sister?" Luna asked her softly, startling Tia out of the reverie of silence. "Was I too prideful in mine judgment? It has been barely a fortnight, and I find you here weeping your very soul out upon the windowsill. What has happened to thee, beloved?"
Tia looked blearily up at her sister, and struggled to find her voice. When she did, it came out... childlike and innocent, the voice of a foal who is so very hurt and so very confused as to why she is hurting. "Who am I, Luna?" she asked quietly, unwilling to untangle herself from around her sister's neck. "What am I? I don't... I don't know anymore." She continued, more warmth seeping into her voice, even as the fear and sadness remained strong. "I feel adrift in an endless sea of shadows, Luna. I am lost and rudderless and have no idea of whom or what I am now..."
Luna's eyes were wide with shock even as Tia felt the words spill out of her mouth - words she had been too afraid to speak for far too long. "Luna, I am so very sorry I did not listen to you." she blurted out - it hurt to say those words, but she could not stop herself now. "I was a fool. A prideful, stubborn, tyrannical fool, and I hurt you so terribly. I hurt so many in the name of my pride , and I am so very sorry..." The words were tumbling over into tears, even as she spoke the sobs caught in her chest, punctuating her words with sudden and sharp intakes of breath. "I should have listened to you... I should have stopped and thought about what I was doing... I should have realized what I was becoming... I should have... I should have been... a better sister to you... I was so utterly certain of myself that I did not even see... How much I needed you... and how much you needed me." Her breathing became too labored, and she felt her head going light again... "I am so very afraid, Luna... I am afraid that... in my arrogance... in my pride... That I have lost all that I hold dear." she gasped out, trying to take control of her breathing again - and still failing miserably as she dissolved into yet more tears.
Without so much as a moment of hesitation, two gentle hooves wrapped up Tia as they once had so many centuries ago. They drew her in close and pressed her head into the soft shoulder of her sister, and a gentle voice spoke into her ears. "Shh... hush now, sister." Luna soothed, and gently stroked her hoof through Tia's mane. "Fret not thy heart, my dearest one. There is naught to fear in the dark. Speaking of which." Luna's horn lit up for a moment, several fresh candles sailing out of one of the dressers in the room and lighting with a little flicker of flame - then settled down into the still slightly sticky candelabra and providing the room with a warm golden light. "There." said Luna with a touch of satisfaction.
Luna turned back to her, still with those gentle eyes. Tia swallowed softly and tried to master her tears. She sucked in a deep breath to silence the sobs, and tried to speak with all of the serenity she could possibly muster. "Luna, I beg of you to be honest with me." She began slowly, gently disengaging from Luna's embrace to look up into that gentle gaze. "Can you ever possibly forgive me for what I have done?" She choked out, her eyes squeezing shut and her head lowering nearly to the ground. "I have brought so much harm to you, ignored your wisdom and soul when I ought to have listened. I have been such a terrible sister-" Then a hoof filled her mouth - or practically did, given the way Luna had just shoved it against her muzzle.
Luna's face was soft, even though her voice was gently stern. "I said hush, sister mine. Not 'please continue babbling like Pinkie Pie'. " There was a certain amount of tolerant amusement in her voice - enough that Tia was easily able to tell she'd completely lost all semblance of cool headedness. So she blushed in embarrassment and tried not to think too hard about it. Luna gently placed a hoof under her chin and tried to lift her head. "Come now, sister. You can look me in the eye, you know." Again there was the gentle amusement in her tone, and Tia lifted her head up begrudgingly. "There. Thou art not an adolescent who has been caught stealing cookies after bedtime. Though I will admit you have occasionally been guilty of such a deed." A twinkle of mischief was in Luna's eye at that one, and Tia cracked a rueful smile. Her love of sweets was legendary, even down to the modern day.
Luna's smile widened at the sight, and her hoof gently stroked back Tia's still fuzzed-up mane. "It is clear much has happened to thee this past fortnight." She asked, her head tilting to one side as if curious. "To answer thy question... yes, Tia. I forgive you. You were beyond reason that day - and I..." She took a deep breath and exhaled. "Perhaps I over-reacted a little myself. I gave in to the darker side of my power, and I did not foresee the consequences of my own actions. Do not mistake me, however - your actions were clearly in the wrong." Luna gently admonished, before continuing. "Yet the only worthy path forward is the path of forgiveness, and it is clear that you have learned from thy errors."
Tia took in a deep breath and exhaled it, feeling some of the tension slowly drain out of her shoulders and body - flowing out into the world around her and dissipating like so much mist. Luna continued to softly hold her, comforting her with gentle touches of reassurance. "As to the rest, Tia... I cannot give you the answers you seek. I can only give thee my assurance that I will support thee as best that I can. There is nopony in this world, or in any other world who can tell you who and what you are, other than thyself. However..." Luna hesitated, and then spoke again. "Tell me something of your week here, sister. Perhaps at least I can help you find a little peace."
Tia shifted where she sat, and then cuddled up a little closer to Luna - thankful for the physical comfort at that moment in time. Should I... yes, I should tell her everything. "It started seemingly by accident... I had come to Ponyville determined to do nothing but perform what duties were expected of me. I was so caught up in my own self-pity, so determined to punish myself for my sins... and then I met a curious mare named Ditzy Doo as she crashed out of the sky. She soon introduced me to many other ponies in town, and from then on... It seems like nearly every time I have had time to think about my errors, they have appeared."
Tia's voice was soft with wonder, and imbued with a curious sense of awe. "It is uncanny, Lulu. I cannot turn around without one of them spiriting me away to some activity or giving me some other thing to think of - and yet I can only find my heart filled with joy at the sight of them." Her head lowered again to stare at her hooves. "Tonight... tonight is the first night I have been wholly alone since I was dragged from my rooms to meet these ponies. And after the attack, and the parties and all of the other things that have been happening... I feel so much doubt . I thought that I would come here, perhaps learn a few lessons in how to listen to other ponies and how to remember when it was time to let something go, but... but now..." Tia swallowed the lump in her throat, her vision overtaken by five smiling faces surrounding her bedside. "Now I cannot imagine a life without them. I do not wish to envision a life without them. I do not wish to leave Ponyville, Lulu - and yet I know the day will come that I will have to leave. That duty will call me elsewhere, and that I cannot ignore that duty no matter how much my heart aches at the thought..."
Luna had a thoughtful look on her face, even as Tia exercised every inch of control she could to keep the tears from falling again. "Then... perhaps I do have a notion." Luna began slowly, and Tia's head whipped up in surprise. "It is an unusual sort of idea, but I think it is one that will serve you well." she continued, a slow smile crossing her face. "For this one week... why not simply be Tia Sunbeam? Forget the life you lived before, forget everything that came before you arrived in Ponyville. Live your life wholly and totally as the newly minted librarian and mage of the town - enjoy the festival, mingle with the other ponies, cast aside your past mistakes and live as though you intended to remain here for the whole of your remaining years, however many that might be." Luna gently laid her hoof on Tia's shoulder - certain sadness, but also a certain joy in her eyes. "Stop worrying about the future. The future will keep, dearest sister. For once in your life, enjoy today for what it is."
Tia took in a deep breath and closed her eyes, lifting her head slowly and trying to imagine such a scenario - and felt a gentle calm sweep over her. "That..." She said slowly, and then with a gentle smile. "That sounds like a plan." Tia Sunbeam intoned softly, and turned her head to stare out into the wild wind and rain that swirled outside. The world was a storm - oh yes, it was. But perhaps there was a safe place in that storm for her after all. Luna turned and gently wrapped a hoof around her shoulders as they watched the storm rage outside.
Perhaps there was a place - a tree in the middle of a town. A place filled with love and books, a place filled with opportunity and potential for a future she knew nothing about. After all - this is how all of my ponies live their lives, is it not? Never knowing what tomorrow might bring, but facing it with courage none the less. Perhaps in that was the lesson she ought to have been learning - perhaps she ought to simply accept that the future couldn't be controlled, and that all she could do now was ride the wave of change that was slowly but surely building up behind her.
Perhaps it was time she simply accepted that the world would be what the world would be, and all she could do was try to ensure her little corner of it was as safe and sound as possible. All she could do was try and live her life in Harmony, or as close to it as any flawed pony could manage. Maybe that was the secret of the Code - maybe it was the secret she had missed all along. That life simply was. It was not a thing to be controlled, or humbled or bound in the will of one powerful enough - it was a thing to be experienced. To be endured. And at times like this, when things seemed so difficult and frightening - it was a thing to be celebrated.
Yes. Perhaps there was a place for her, here in this world of ordinary ponies with ordinary lives. A place filled with books and friendship. A place filled with warmth and love and hope for a brighter tomorrow. Even if she could not yet see that tomorrow, she could fill her heart with the knowledge that no matter what the future held she would have a place where she did not need to be afraid of it.
Let the winds of the storm that was tomorrow howl outside of her window. Let the storm's thunder crackle and shake the walls, for those walls were girded with the bonds of honesty. Let the winds steal the heat from her fireplace, for the warmth of kindness would see her through. Let the rain lash against its roof, for it would always shield those of a generous heart. Let the crackle of thunder roar its anger at her, for she would fill that place with laughter fit to drown it out. Let the hail drive against her windows and doors - they would not break, they would not shatter or give in to the ice - for they were strengthened with the bonds of loyalty.
Let the storms of the future come. She would face them in a place built from the Magic of Friendship, a place where her heart need never be lonely again - where she could laugh and cry in equal measure, for in that place she did not need to be the strong one all the time. She could lean on those who had strength of their own - and lend them her strength when they needed her. "I love you, Lulu." Tia said softly. "I'm glad you're here with me tonight... I don't want to face the storms alone ever again."
Luna gave off a soft, musical laugh - and squeezed Tia's shoulder firmly. "And you'll never have to, Tia. I promise." She said with a bright smile. "Now, let us go acquire a pot of tea and you can tell me more about your new friends." Her eyes were sparkling as she said that - and Tia couldn't help but return her smile, feeling a warmth rush into her heart as she thought of those very special ponies. "I have heard some... intriguing things about them." And now that mischievous streak of Luna's was coming out again, and Tia had to laugh.
"Yes... my new friends." Tia blushed softly. "Ah.... what sort of intriguing things have you heard?"
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It's nice to see Tia on the road to finally understanding herself, and in the process, the ponies around her.
-Mis
ooo. This was a scary chapter for a moment. God, I feel so bad for Tia... thank goodness nothing physical happened to her. Lots of deep, well thought out self reflection in this chapter. I love it.
Sadly, that's about all to be said. You did alright. Just a bit late. Do hope ya got your groove back. Good luck.
2949338 Well, we're in the home stretch now. It's nothing but craziness from here to the finish line - so enjoy the calm while you can. Strap in and get ready, Chummer.
Excellent chapter... Except for the odd grammatical mistake (names without capitals, mainly), and I'm used to that from you now. You may want to start proofreading chapters to help clear them out, or even get a friend to help.
Speaking of which, please follow this elegantly crafted link to find out how dialogue punctuation works. A bit late for this fic, but may it serve you well in your future endeavours.
2949992 I've read the writing guide several times.
I'm just really terrible at remembering to adjust my dialogue tags. Like, epic-levels of terrible. Unfortunately, old habits are very difficult to break.
I'd absolutely love to have an editor / proofreader to go over my stuff for me - as I'm not very good at doing it myself. (I've tried before, it only gives me massive headaches since I don't always know what I'm looking for.) The day I find somepony who can edit 4k+ words every other day or so, I'll be an extremely happy writer.
Once Code of Harmony is over, I'm going to try to train myself to fix some of those errors in my shorter works, but we'll see how it goes.
Oh, and that subtle Girl Genius reference made me chuckle.
2950013
Aye, I can understand how hard it is to break a bad habit. The only reason I managed (to a certain extent) is because, ironically, my dyspraxia makes me hyper aware of my writing, so I can edit on the fly.
And I wouldn't call it a subtle reference...
Called it.
Yes. I love this chapter especially in the end where the sisters supported each other! People should write the Sisters like this, both of them caring for the other and not one of them being villified and stuff.
Anyhow, this is another good work!
2950013
Heh, if you're looking for an editor/proofreader, I'll take that offer.
Btw, very good chapter, especially considering this is the first time Luna and Celestia (excuse me, Tia) have been together since The Code's Apprentice.
2951279 If you -really- think you can edit up 4k+ words to be ready for every other day or so, send me a IM and we'll discuss how to make it work.
2950861 Yeah, kinda sparse on the comments tho. Maybe everypony else is busy today. Oh well, glad to know I've always got you.
This chapter, especially the second half...
So...Much...Heartwarming!
Well done.
Reflection-y chapter, good stuff.
This. Just... all of this. This is what I keep coming here for, and this is what you keep delivering. I know I keep saying this over and over, but as far as I'm concerned its true. Your stories are works of beauty, able to draw out stronger emotions from me than nearly anything I've ever read.
2960775
I tried to establish early on that Tia is very distinctly normal unicorn sized. Combined with the fact that no mortal pony alive remembers her mane used to be pink (the very idea is the stuff of myths and legends) and that Celestia was always such a 'larger than life' figure in Equestrian life, it wouldn't normally occur to the average pony that she could possibly be this shy, reserved, unicorn bookworm.
Like, imagine walking down the street and you saw someone who looked a lot like Barack Obama - your first inclination would not be ."OMG ITS THE PRESIDENT!" but rather "Huh, he looks a lot like our president. What a coincidence."
"Explaining Away the Unusual" is basically a survival mechanism for citizens of Ponyville at this point.
D'aw... this almost made me cry. So sweet...
Welp! Onwards we go!
3356308 I
cry at this chapter every damn time I read it, knowing who and what you are is the hardest thing that anypony, or any person, has to go through, when you've been hurt and alone for a long time, it gets harder to find those two things, when you start to question either one of them, then you should expect the tears to come.