The story of the universe, told from beginning to present by Celestia herself. Equestria has a darker history than one would guess.
Thanks goes to TheEsperBrony for editing
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 15th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 19th, 2021
Bronymaster
A software engineer and former editor.
Bronymaster
Joined 15th Jan, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hehe
this story is really interesting, it has a nice stroy and plot to it too and its very deep
tracked and thumbs up!
Twist said she like it too! Right Twist?
Good story so far, and i want more now.
Tracking!
ooooh maybe Celestia and Luna feel slightly bitter to their mother or have abondonment issues? Since she kind of left them on equestria and dissappeared or died leavng them the de facto rulers.
Ahh discord how we love you're bipolarity!
Tracking for the plot.
252527
Sadly, what I have planned for her is, I think, much sadder. And her supposed death/disappearance is, I think, a major reason for Luna becoming Nightmare Moon.
252542
awwww giving the princesses abondonment issues? Who are you trying to be my good sir, because i like it! characters with troubled pasts (assuming they don't cry about it at every opportunity and actually *GROW* (cough cloud cough cough) from the experiance) make for some of the better charcters in stories like this.
I expect alot from this fic, good luck!
252832
abandonment? That might have been easier on them than what actually happenes.
252883
ok now you're just piquing my Schadenfreude!!!!
Seriously man you got me hooked at freaking origins story, now you've just convinced me to track and await for Schadenfreude
252298
Humans?
hmmm..i usually thought that humans ruined the "pony" vibe to things in fanfictions
but in all honesty you should continue with discord having deep meanings in some of the parts of the story like:
how discord came up with the idea of the sun
oh! and im also reading to hear who was celestia's father by the way
and how luna and celestia was born. And dont forget to add twilight sparkle in all of this.
make sure she has something to say in the story and i would like to see her reactions as well
oh! and if you could, i mean well....im not telling or demanding you to but could you include some pinkie pie in this?
Cuz it would be really funny if she somehow managed to hear some of the story with twilight.
But anyways, keep up the hard work, this is looking to come up real nice. Twist thinks so too!
First!
447072
Sadly, that looks like it was an easy task. I do hope you enjoy the chapter, though
447078
Pity too, it's shaping up to be rather interesting.
I'd almost forgot about it because of the long ass hiatus though.
447145
Yeah, but I explained my reasons. Surely that was good reasoning?
447148
It was definitely good reasoning, because I'm a sucker for really long stories that I can't read in one sitting.
But it was still quite some time.
447186
I suppose you do have a point. But at least I'm back to the story now!
Sugarcube Corner
It's bothering me. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
455806
It bothers you? Would you mind explaining how it bothers you?
455824
Proper noun not properly capitalized.
455828
Easily bothered are we? Well, I'll fix it, don't worry
476703
Now we get to hear Luna's story
480548
Yes, you do.
Why hullo hullo! You were expecting me, yes? Yes, yes you were. Well, I’m here to read your fic and give you a full-fledged critique as I read so that you get my initial reaction as well as my thoughts and suggestions towards your writing.
With that said, let’s get started with what I’m seeing in your presentation. No matter how good your writing is, you need a good first impression to garner an audience. Something needs to catch their attention and get them to read your work above any other. Because of this rule of a needed ‘hook’, I would recommend that you flesh out the description a lot more than just two sentences. With what you have now, people might just skim your work by.
Now, let’s look at the meat of your story from beginning to end.
Prologue
The very first section could be a lot more descriptive with the location. Exposition with what her day’s plans are is good, but try and sprinkle in some imagery to slow down your pacing and establish a proper mood and atmosphere for what’s to come. It doesn’t have to be obvious, but describing even certain objects in a room can lead foreshadowing later on. You focused more on her introspective thoughts, which was a good move, but I’d suggest that you try and go further with that.
Moving onto the next section, you’ve done a brilliant job with Twilight’s characterization so far. Every one of her lines seems almost as if it were lifted from the show, and I can read them in Tara’s voice quite easily. While the other characters were also done well, I have to say that the only one that feels ‘off’ is Spike.
Going by the show, Spike never really elaborates on much that’s on his mind; nor does he really take the time to describe things around him in a wordy fashion like he is here. Think of him as like an adolescent boy when you write his dialogue, and that should help improve the robotic tone that he carries now.
Keep in mind that having the entire cast in one scene is very, very difficult. If anything I discourage cramming all the characters into one scene as any writer can risk both confusion and look as if they’re rushing. There are some points here where the order of dialogue is a bit confusing for the amount of characters that you have, and it could benefit greatly if you take a little bit of time to use descriptions and the like. To give an example, I had no idea that Fluttershy had spoken until she repeated herself in the next line.
Celestia’s entrance only presents an even bigger problem. Now you have eight characters in your scene to juggle. At least I assume that there’s eight instead of seven, as Rainbow hasn’t been written in with any dialogue despite being described as being there.
Then we move onto the party, which could have been a perfect opportunity to set the brakes down and let the characters breath. Things like parties can really help you keep a handle on such large groups of characters, and it enables you to move around the room and focus on a few ponies at a time while keeping a believable atmosphere. Simply describing what happens is good too, but I feel like you have so much more that you could do with it.
Still, I understand that the focus on Celestia and Twilight is prominent, but if that’s the case, then why have Pinkie and the rest come in first place other than to give a cameo? If it’s to establish a setting, then the five of them need to be given some more space and wiggle room to make their presence more prominent in the narrative.
As for the conversation between Twi and Tia, I only have one comment there. Why is Celestia so lenient on telling her student about the creation of the universe? Pupil or not, if I was her I’d at least think of the consequences that would go into letting loose with such information. You could argue that their mother-daughter relationship is playing a role here, but even that wouldn’t be enough for her to just blindly accept her student’s request. You have an opportunity for an inner conflict here, and I would recommend delving into it a bit more.
At the end of this chapter though, I’ve been successfully hooked, which is your ultimate goal for a prologue chapter. With this, my main concern is that you’re moving too quickly, but that just might be my own bias for wordiness seeping through.
A Time of Creation
Love the beginning here, but don’t feel too reluctant to try and play with the situation that you’ve given yourself. Here you have a Goddess creating certain aspects of the universe, from that alone you have tons of opportunity to test out your sensory skills. What does the environment look like? Smell like? Feel like? Things like that.
I like the direction in which you took the dialogue for Discord, making him sound completely logical and understanding, if a bit lazy. It’s a good choice, and it fits the mood of the piece quite well. Even after Celestia’s explanation though, his position as Sol’s lover seems slightly out of place. The conflict that arises between them only makes me slightly more puzzled, and a bit in want for some more character interaction prior to the fight in of itself. Focusing on the world-building is good, but you need strong characters to back up your setting.
This chapter is much better than the previous, though I think that you could really benefit by exploring Sol and Discord some more, that way the audience will have more time to get connected with them on an emotional level.
The First Sister
Major Online Fiction Rule #1: Never put an Author’s note in your story. Ever. If you’re wanting to comment on your work or explain any shortcomings, then do so in the comments section or at the very least, your description. The note ruins the flow of your narrative, and it might give readers the impression that you’re being egotistical (not saying that you were, but they don’t know that).
Anywho, your writing has visibly improved here. So much so that I would recommend you to re-write your prologue in order to keep it all consistent. There really isn’t much for me to say here apart from what I’ve mentioned before.
Overall, I really do like the surreal tone that you’ve adopted for this piece. It’s an interesting romp, though with a few tweaks, I have no doubt that it’ll rise even higher. Nice work c:
872211
Just one thing: The reason that last chapter is so much better is because...I wrote it about 3 months after taking a hiatus from the story. After I had started learning all that is needed to know about fanfiction and had already become the top editor in the Proofreaders group. That was about 2 months ago.
I'm surprised the review went so well, considering how long ago I wrote this. I figured it would be picked apart like the god-awful piece of fiction is is!
873045
It's not God-awful! If anything I think it just illustrates your own growth as a writer with the gradual improvement here and there in the narrative. You should totally re-write it with all your new-found skills!
873076
I suppose I shall have to. I love the plot too much to let the story go, anyway. Going to have to probably change the entire way this opens up now, though. Take things slower. Much much slower.