• Member Since 17th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 1st, 2019

Marcus Centurian


T

Strange, increadible fates have befallen a pair of people. With bodies and minds, hearts and hooves, and heads and tails changing, things rapidly escalate and get out of hand or rather hoof.

Based on "Five Score Divided by Four" by TwistedSpectrum

The characteristics and personalities of Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth are based upon "The Life and Times of a Winning Pony" by Chengar Qordath

Cover Art by Hinami on Deviant Art

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 93 )

The plot seems to be going by very quickly... I'd have liked it to take a bit longer and go into more detail. Overall though I like it.

Much to rushed. Sorry but everything just kinda went by in a blur. They didn't even question their changes and they were super OOC compared to the earlier chapters.

So, I think it's going a little too fast, and the fact they've already realized that they used to be ponies shouldn't have happened yet. But I you do some editing, it could turn out much better. Great story though!

2599292
2599010
Do you folks think I should go for a total rewrite and slow down the pacing, or just keep that in mind as I write future chapters?

2599777 I'd say go for a rewrite. I like the idea of the emotionless army guy turning into a pegasus mare with a hyperactive sex life.

Yes unfortunately i believe things are going a bit too quickly here...
The same thing was going on with another story as well.
I know you want to jump into the interesting parts like confrontations and actually turning into a pony but writing a story is like building a skyscraper. The first few chapters are the base, they aren't too pretty or extravagant but if you have a great foundation you can put all kinds of stuff on top.
Here's what i'll do. im going to favourite this and "follow" it for awhile and come back once you have decided whether or not to either "fix" it or re-write it. feel free to quote this comment now but once you've made your decision i would absolutely love it if you quoted this again ^_^
Good luck!

2599777
Yeah... As desirable as it is to have it continue sooner than later, I have to vouch for a rewrite. Everything's moving through much too fast for it to seem plausible...

This plot premise certainly has promise from what cards that have been shown. It just needs a bit of TLC. :twilightsmile:

2600038
Thank you all for your help. :twilightblush::twilightsmile:
I'm rewriting the story and slowing down the pacing. I also felt upon rereads that I didn't establish the human personas well and their mental transformation into ponies isn't as shocking, so I hope to flesh them out more.

2600229 noooo problem, that is what im here for, that and emotional encouragement :twilightsmile:

2599777 I honestly wouldn't mind either, whichever you want

too fast. Please slow down so i can actually enjoy this:ajbemused:
(if you are ok with that :fluttershysad:)

2602101
The existing chapters have been rewritten with slower pacing and all future chapters will (hopefully) reflect this.
Thank y'all for your interest and criticism. :ajsmug:

2616247 thank you and sorry if i was mean:pinkiesad2:

2616256
Worry not! I learn and grow more when people show me what I can improve on rather than people just telling me it was great or it was terrible.

2616301 Okay.:pinkiehappy:
Here, have some mustaches
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Hmm everything seems to be going too quickly still and the characters dont seem 3D enough. Also I dont really get the whole censored swears thing. If ponies are supposed to be real (Just trapped in another dimension) then it really doesnt make much sense.

Basicaly im asking for more filler and character development. They seem way to chilled out about the whole change even though one of them was not a Brony and didn't even know any details about the show.

2616703
Sorry the pacing is still too fast. I really did try and slow this down and not take on too much at once and add more filler. However, I don't feel it is bad enough for a rewrite.

About the censored swearing, originally, I was going to make the scene use fuck in about ten different contexts, but decided that that would wear on the reader and make the story unsuitable for younger folks. So I opted for the censor. I also saw that in canon and in "Life and Times," swear words are censored, so in keeping with that, I was going to censor from here on out, to Blossom's slight annoyance.

I tried to work in some introspection on Blossom's character to explain the differences between the pony and people persona and establish a relationship between her and Cloud Kicker. I sort of see their personality changes as resulting from a brain dump of their former selves. It will be intense now, but more subtle later and be more of a mix of the ponies in "Life and Times" and their human selves.

Definitely better than the other chapters, still fast paced, but I don't mind it. Most of my stories are a little fast paced too. Keep up the good work!:pinkiehappy:

If you want an idea how to slow down a story, write down (or type) all the things you want to happen in that chapter kay?
Then make up some kind of transition between the 2.
an easy way to delay story scenes is dialouge, it could be just a quick thing to make it somewhat funnier by having the main character say like "Sooo, besides the whole turning into a pastel pony from a T.V show, hows your life going?"
Another good way to delay things is confrontations, it could be just a flat tire or stove doesnt work or burning breakfast. it doesnt matter, XD
What NOT to do
Do not set a word goal as this makes you THINK you HAVE to get to that goal. Yes longer chapters are preferable to readers but shit is not wanted. No im not hating on the story, i recently fucked up on my story and.... well... anyways!
Do not go out of the storyline in order to create distractions... going way out of proportion by speeding up changes or making another random pony appear or simple making them get discovered by the damn government might make things a BIT to much as it is :/ again, speaking from experience -_-
Anyways, hope this helps ^_^:eeyup:

2620501
Are you a mind reader? I was considering all of those as conflicts in future chapters. :applejackconfused:

Anyways, thanks for the advice and I will try to incorporate more fluffy frosting into my story cake.:pinkiehappy: and not bite off more in one chapter than I can chew. :pinkiesick:

2620876 here let me give you a comment by another writer
2540540

“Oh, nothing much. Just perpetual chaos, the ability to rule with absolute impunity and no meddling kids or their dumb dog to stop me.”

:pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp:
I C WHAT U DID DER!!!!!


Oh and yeah. IM BACKKKKK
Yes i think this is much better ^_^

Give to you teh hints
This is not an race from Need for speed.

Anyways...

“I think you know full well what I’m talking about. The cloud and sun on either side of my thigh. I don’t know how you did it, but I want this tattoo or whatever it is removed now. If I have to beat you to a pulp or if it takes every quarter you own, I’ll get rid of it.”

Always go straight to the point XD
Yay confrontation!

I sat down on the toilet and relieved myself. I suddenly realized that my method of excrement was unusual for me and a quick inspection down below quickly revealed why. To my horror I looked downwards and found I had female genitalia. Flying feather. What sorcery is this? First I wake up as a girl, and now I have censored cussing? What the firetruck! Holy frack. Feathering featherheads. Freakazoid. Let’s try one more time. F-u-c-k spells fiddlesticks. Well, snotballs, this is annoying. Girl body parts, politically correct censoring; what is next, turning into a pony? Oh, wait. That is totally happening. Stupid me for trying to make sense out of an insane situation.

This chapter is teh lolz
F-U-C-K Spells Flitterflop :rainbowlaugh:

You could try using different types of storms for chapter names

yum yum yum I ate that up.

and second :derpytongue2:

Author's Note:
The plot thickens, no cornstarch needed.

As usual, criticism is encouraged.

This is a rewrite of this chapter. Hope the changes are for the better.

lol no cornstarch needed lololololololol

2675814
I was afraid that joke was going to fall flat. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :pinkiehappy:
Although you could use flour and milk to make a roux, but.... :twilightblush:

I cowered into my cloud, hoping and praying to the immortal sisters that I would be spared a shock and fall.

Eh, wasn't Luna existence unknown when Blossom got her mark? Considering that this happen before Nightmare Moon release and that even Twilight was surprised to learn that Luna was Celestia sister.

“Yes, but are not a Kicker. It isn’t you duty.”

but you are not...
your*
Just a friendly correction :P
2703092 It works.

because ponies..

2703092
Continuity error! :derpytongue2: Sorry, it will be rectified. Thanks for catching it.

2704097
Grammer mistakes in my story! This is the... worst ... possible... thing! :raritydespair:
The changes must be made, I go! :coolphoto:

If i were you, i would change a lot of the cannots' to cant's. It sounds more natural.

2712200
Sorry about that. Going through English comp makes me avoid contractions and spell out numbers. My lexicon also consists of more exotic speech as well, and that finds a habit of working its way into my stories.
I don't think it is distracting enough that I need to go back and rectify, though.

Ok... So they arn't worried at all about people seeing two pegasi flying around?

2769891
This will be addressed in the next chapter, I assure you.

uno thing

“Because she is an element barer, namely that of laughter.”

“Element barer%3

I swear some days that the universe is conspiring against me and seeing exactly how much crap I’ll put up with before I break.

Famous last words:rainbowlaugh:

“Hey, Joseph. What’s going on with you?” Derpy asked.
“Nothing much. Just getting though today and anticipating tonight,” I replied.
“What’s going down tonight?”
“I’m turning twenty-five and I’m going to a rave down on the south side.”
“No way! I’m turning twenty-five today too!”

26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltsxhuipU41r3k1m8o1_500.png

“Hey Cloud, why do we need voice recognition software or some of this other junk you bought? What is this, condoms?!?”
“The software will allow us to use the computer with hooves.”
“We could hold a pen in our mouth and hunt and peck for keys. But that still doesn’t explain…”
“And that would take you forever to write a simple e-mail. This way is much easier.”
“But the Trojans…”
“Yeah, I’m not one-hundred percent sure why I bought them, but protection is important when you want to bang.”
“Seriously, Cloud.” I admonished, “You spend frivolously like this? If you haven’t noticed, there is no foreseeable way to get any income and we should conserve our money.”
“But…”
I gave him a thousand yard stare as whatever retort he had died on his lips.

:trollestia:

HOLA HOLA HOLA HOLA HOLA..........SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!:eeyup: That is all:twilightsmile:

Well, alrighty then........Keep up the good work, I will be watching from the shadows:rainbowdetermined2:

2775577
Confounded! More grammar mistakes. I'm glad you caught them, but I am ashamed that they found their way into the story. :raritydespair:

2781064 dammit confound my computer, the last part of the message was cut off >:( oh well, i forget what it says anyways

One question, shouldn't the dream have been about cloud kicker and blossomforth, and why is the character thing carrot top and derpy?

2783850
I couldn't think of a reason Cloud Kicker would need to be sent overseas since by the time she met Blossomforth she already was a weather pony and not a soldier, so I figured I'd play up Carrot Top instead.

Also, there is no character tag for Blossom and/or Cloud Kicker, sadly.

When will the next chapter be out.

2804785
I hope to have it out by this weekend, but life has a nasty habit of trumping any plans I might lay.

That's true and I hope it does come out cause I really want to read more

2805027 is the next chap gonna be out soon cause I really want to read more of this awsome story ?

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