The Cloud Kicker Fan Club and Winningverse Group188 stories ·1,602 members
Five Score Divided by Four186 stories ·128 members
Pony Transformation General1,878 stories ·1,069 members
Strange, increadible fates have befallen a pair of people. With bodies and minds, hearts and hooves, and heads and tails changing, things rapidly escalate and get out of hand or rather hoof.
Based on "Five Score Divided by Four" by TwistedSpectrum
The characteristics and personalities of Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth are based upon "The Life and Times of a Winning Pony" by Chengar Qordath
Cover Art by Hinami on Deviant Art
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The plot seems to be going by very quickly... I'd have liked it to take a bit longer and go into more detail. Overall though I like it.
Much to rushed. Sorry but everything just kinda went by in a blur. They didn't even question their changes and they were super OOC compared to the earlier chapters.
So, I think it's going a little too fast, and the fact they've already realized that they used to be ponies shouldn't have happened yet. But I you do some editing, it could turn out much better. Great story though!
2599292
2599010
Do you folks think I should go for a total rewrite and slow down the pacing, or just keep that in mind as I write future chapters?
2599777 I'd say go for a rewrite. I like the idea of the emotionless army guy turning into a pegasus mare with a hyperactive sex life.
Yes unfortunately i believe things are going a bit too quickly here...
The same thing was going on with another story as well.
I know you want to jump into the interesting parts like confrontations and actually turning into a pony but writing a story is like building a skyscraper. The first few chapters are the base, they aren't too pretty or extravagant but if you have a great foundation you can put all kinds of stuff on top.
Here's what i'll do. im going to favourite this and "follow" it for awhile and come back once you have decided whether or not to either "fix" it or re-write it. feel free to quote this comment now but once you've made your decision i would absolutely love it if you quoted this again ^_^
Good luck!
2599777
Yeah... As desirable as it is to have it continue sooner than later, I have to vouch for a rewrite. Everything's moving through much too fast for it to seem plausible...
This plot premise certainly has promise from what cards that have been shown. It just needs a bit of TLC.
2600038
Thank you all for your help.
I'm rewriting the story and slowing down the pacing. I also felt upon rereads that I didn't establish the human personas well and their mental transformation into ponies isn't as shocking, so I hope to flesh them out more.
2600229 noooo problem, that is what im here for, that and emotional encouragement
2599777 I honestly wouldn't mind either, whichever you want
too fast. Please slow down so i can actually enjoy this
)
(if you are ok with that
2602101
The existing chapters have been rewritten with slower pacing and all future chapters will (hopefully) reflect this.
Thank y'all for your interest and criticism.
2616247 thank you and sorry if i was mean
2616256
Worry not! I learn and grow more when people show me what I can improve on rather than people just telling me it was great or it was terrible.
2616301 Okay.
Here, have some mustaches
Hmm everything seems to be going too quickly still and the characters dont seem 3D enough. Also I dont really get the whole censored swears thing. If ponies are supposed to be real (Just trapped in another dimension) then it really doesnt make much sense.
Basicaly im asking for more filler and character development. They seem way to chilled out about the whole change even though one of them was not a Brony and didn't even know any details about the show.
2616703
Sorry the pacing is still too fast. I really did try and slow this down and not take on too much at once and add more filler. However, I don't feel it is bad enough for a rewrite.
About the censored swearing, originally, I was going to make the scene use fuck in about ten different contexts, but decided that that would wear on the reader and make the story unsuitable for younger folks. So I opted for the censor. I also saw that in canon and in "Life and Times," swear words are censored, so in keeping with that, I was going to censor from here on out, to Blossom's slight annoyance.
I tried to work in some introspection on Blossom's character to explain the differences between the pony and people persona and establish a relationship between her and Cloud Kicker. I sort of see their personality changes as resulting from a brain dump of their former selves. It will be intense now, but more subtle later and be more of a mix of the ponies in "Life and Times" and their human selves.
Definitely better than the other chapters, still fast paced, but I don't mind it. Most of my stories are a little fast paced too. Keep up the good work!
If you want an idea how to slow down a story, write down (or type) all the things you want to happen in that chapter kay?
Then make up some kind of transition between the 2.
an easy way to delay story scenes is dialouge, it could be just a quick thing to make it somewhat funnier by having the main character say like "Sooo, besides the whole turning into a pastel pony from a T.V show, hows your life going?"
Another good way to delay things is confrontations, it could be just a flat tire or stove doesnt work or burning breakfast. it doesnt matter, XD
What NOT to do
Do not set a word goal as this makes you THINK you HAVE to get to that goal. Yes longer chapters are preferable to readers but shit is not wanted. No im not hating on the story, i recently fucked up on my story and.... well... anyways!
Do not go out of the storyline in order to create distractions... going way out of proportion by speeding up changes or making another random pony appear or simple making them get discovered by the damn government might make things a BIT to much as it is :/ again, speaking from experience -_-
Anyways, hope this helps ^_^
2620501
Are you a mind reader? I was considering all of those as conflicts in future chapters.
Anyways, thanks for the advice and I will try to incorporate more fluffy frosting into my story cake.
and not bite off more in one chapter than I can chew. 
2620876 here let me give you a comment by another writer
2540540
I C WHAT U DID DER!!!!!
Oh and yeah. IM BACKKKKK
Yes i think this is much better ^_^
Give to you teh hints
This is not an race from Need for speed.
Anyways...
Always go straight to the point XD
Yay confrontation!
This chapter is teh lolz
F-U-C-K Spells Flitterflop
You could try using different types of storms for chapter names
yum yum yum I ate that up.
and second
lol no cornstarch needed lololololololol
2675814
I was afraid that joke was going to fall flat. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Although you could use flour and milk to make a roux, but....
Poor blossomforth
Eh, wasn't Luna existence unknown when Blossom got her mark? Considering that this happen before Nightmare Moon release and that even Twilight was surprised to learn that Luna was Celestia sister.
but you are not...
your*
Just a friendly correction :P
2703092 It works.
because ponies..
2703092
Sorry, it will be rectified. Thanks for catching it.
Continuity error!
2704097
Grammer mistakes in my story! This is the... worst ... possible... thing!
The changes must be made, I go!
If i were you, i would change a lot of the cannots' to cant's. It sounds more natural.
2712200
Sorry about that. Going through English comp makes me avoid contractions and spell out numbers. My lexicon also consists of more exotic speech as well, and that finds a habit of working its way into my stories.
I don't think it is distracting enough that I need to go back and rectify, though.
Ok... So they arn't worried at all about people seeing two pegasi flying around?
2769891
This will be addressed in the next chapter, I assure you.
uno thing
2775577
Confounded! More grammar mistakes. I'm glad you caught them, but I am ashamed that they found their way into the story.
2781064 dammit confound my computer, the last part of the message was cut off >:( oh well, i forget what it says anyways
One question, shouldn't the dream have been about cloud kicker and blossomforth, and why is the character thing carrot top and derpy?
2783850
I couldn't think of a reason Cloud Kicker would need to be sent overseas since by the time she met Blossomforth she already was a weather pony and not a soldier, so I figured I'd play up Carrot Top instead.
Also, there is no character tag for Blossom and/or Cloud Kicker, sadly.
2785003oh, okay
When will the next chapter be out.
2804785
I hope to have it out by this weekend, but life has a nasty habit of trumping any plans I might lay.
That's true and I hope it does come out cause I really want to read more
2805027 is the next chap gonna be out soon cause I really want to read more of this awsome story ?
2832027
Sorry, I didn't finish by this weekend. I'll put time in and finish it. I'd rather get you good material than rushed material.
2838991 dude just please make it good i coold care less if it takes weeks as long as it good I can't wait !
This is the only stuff Ive ever read that was as stilted as my own attempts at writing. Im still gonna read it though. Its like nibling burnt turkey. There are pleasant surprises, but mostly you end up unsatisfied. Flesh it out.
I have to agree with nightshade. The hero(at this rate next chapter heroine) is far too genre savy. This is far too easy for her to discover and accept. Part of the thrill in the main story has been to draw out some of the unsurity. Does that mean I think you should copy that? No. Write your own story, but as it is he doesnt feel real. He feels too expectant. Hes also not blossomforth. And as yet, CK is NOT CK. Dry, matter-of-factness is not an accurate representation of either of these characters and blossomforth is otherwise far too wishywashy.
Its a good base. Its an amasing BASE, but it is not by any means ready. Try harder. You've got the idea but you seem to be going through the motions. You cant go through the motions unless you know what they are so I know you CAN do this. Keep working on it.