• Member Since 20th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen May 31st, 2017


Just a military brony that likes the occasional fanfic ^~^. I also write sometimes too! I also am a musician~ )NightmareLulamoon(

Comments ( 7 )
Comment posted by Mattmankoga deleted Jul 7th, 2013

Well... that was a clusterf:yay:k... OK technical side of things, I'll be quick: your dialogue is very choppy and doesn't feel like the characterization it changes much from character to character, your narration is also rather choppy though less so than dialogue, but there were no glaring grammatical or punctual errors, a few capitalization errors but nothing too major. So... this story your trying to tell here, it felt like twenty different grimdark stories mashed together with two and a half (very, very, short) borderline rape scenes...

Ya... that's all the coherent thought I can come up with other than the ever continuous 'what the hell did I just read?' OH, and don't let me forget some physics things (not really necessary due to topic) but Rainbow Dash can't achieve supersonic speeds with only a few feet for acceleration, and Sweetie Belle can't teleport, but at this point that's just being nitpicky.

I don't mean to come off as an ass, but it's 4:30am right now and this story kind of broke my thought process. 3/10 would not bang.

To be honest: You'd almost need a running commentary from me for my point to really come across the way I wanted it to, sorry.

you should have stuck with your first idea on what this story should have been

I could've, but once I started writing the first chapter, I expanded on little aspects of the story which lead it into the direction it's going now. By the time I finished chapter one, I felt it should stick to the way it was going and then fix and improve things for chapter two. I hope to end the story in the third chapter. Thank you for your input. :scootangel: :derpytongue2:

It might be a little late in saying this, based on the time between the posting of the chapter and mine having just read it.

There was a significant improvement between the first and second chapter - especially in pacing. There were issues still, weird characterizations, plot holes and the like. But to quote a friend: If the chapters showed this level of improvement consistently, within another 1 or 2 chapters it would be contesting as an all-time favorite story.

I also see that you have a recent story posted, I'll give that a read relatively soon and give you a review after reading it.

Thank you ^~^ I wanted to give the story more direction and not have it so all over the place like the first chapter was. Even though this story is currently cancelled, I may now consider bringing it back from the dead once I'm finished with my current story, hopefully to make up for the first chapter (because even now I think it was a bit over-the-top xD)

Login or register to comment