When the train bound for Appleloosa crashes, ponies everywhere begin to fret. One special pony was aboard the train and now is in a state of comatose.
The Element of Honesty, Applejack.
As the ponies on the outside struggle to save her, Applejack's mind spins with activity as she reflects on her life, friends and family.
Inspired by the video Tsubukichan made. Watch it.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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First pass: Damn, brony, that was intense. You got me hooked already.
Second pass: no errors, poor style choices or recommended changes. I say you're ready to publish.
Ooooo that was good. I really like getting into a character's head like this and you pull it off really well. I also like how you handle AJ's voice here, enough so we hear the accent in our heads, but not so much that it's hard to read.
I hesitate to point out any grammar issues. I'm afraid I would be pulling you away from writing in your own style.
Another ready to go chapter, I say!
Well, I'm hooked. I will be awaiting more.
I thought of that video the moment I read the name of this story.
Definitely going into my read list
if my favorites were working i would fave
send chills down mah sphine
First pass: good, nice tension and plenty of surrealism.
Second pass:
"Are you King Sombra tryin' to..."" A dash would be better here than ellipses to indicate her being cut off.
"He was almost all the way through when he felt his tail being tugged on. Applejack had caught up to him, bitten onto his tail and was trying to pull him back out." This paragraph switches perspective characters. For most of the chapter, we see things through AJ's eyes. This small segment is through Braeburn's eyes. Try rewriting from AJ's point of view. Also, biting, not bitten.
"As sudden as the cries were, the sound of hoofbeats echoed around her." You start the sentence as if you're going to compare or contrast the cries with something, but you don't. Maybe something more like: "As suddenly as the cries did, the sound of hoof eats echoed around her."
Are these thing a reference to The Son of Man? Because that would be awesome.
"She was more terrified she had ever been," missing a 'than' in there
Those are the only technicals I saw. Stylistically, you might have put a bit more into showing how scared AJ was at different moments. That many confusing things at once should be unnerving as hell, but AJ seems a mite too comfortable. More nervous twitches, or just more time describing her fear. She won't be okay until she has a clear goal: aimless Applejack is not happy Applejack.
Overall another great chapter from Comet!
Wake up Applejack and Little Talks by "Of Men And Monsters" captures my heart in an instant. This fic... Definitely going to my favourite list. Going to read it later then pass judgement on plot and grammar. Applejack is best pony.
2698057 forgive me and Feather Scratch, we're the prereaders and our comments get carried through.
Like the changes, btw, and can't wait for the next installment!
Also, the painting I ws refering to earlier:upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/e/e5/Magritte_TheSonOfMan.jpg
Took a while to update but the wait was worth it
I've watched that video quite a few times, so a fic based on it definitely has my interest. Seems like you're doing a good job so far, too.
You cheeky Dick Waffle.
Hello? Helllooo? Anybody there?
I WANT MOAR!!!
I seen the video and this is a great story....
pwease wight more?
I keep running into the PMV made for this and hope it comes from hiatus. I do hope the long, overdue chapter is due to some writer's block and not loss of interest.
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I must say I'm rather surprised you want to read more of this. I haven't had this many requests in months.
3944323 Seriously? This is great! I love the song and you made it even better for me! I need more!
3944334
Well, I assumed this fic was lost among the piles of other more popular ones. Especially since it is nearly a year old.
3944346 Eh. Sometimes big things can happen when you least expect it. If you get this done, I'll review it!
Huzzah! New chapter!
it is still alive, yayness!
Ooh, more "visions"!
Wow... easily one of my favorite stories here on FimFiction.net, I hope you'll update soon! Pacing is really good and I like how you connect what's happening in AJ's head with reality. And Braeburn <3 It's so good to see him and you portrayed his relationship with Applejack very well. I can really feel his sadness and worry. I'm really curious when Applejack's family and friends finally arrive and how they're gonna react. And Applejack... I love her in your story, because it's MY Applejack. I feel really bad for her and I hope that in the end she'll wake up. She has ponies, who care about her and I don't even want to think what can happen, when one of the Elements is gone.
I keep coming back to this chapter. So many feels T.T Poor AJ
I like this story and this chapter is feel-worthy at moments, however, I feel that last part didn't quite sit right with me. I can't put my finger on it at this time.
And here I am, reading it once again... I really hope you didn't abandon this story
Please oh please tell me you haven't abandoned this story!
wow this is an awesome story!!
More please! This is a great story. Gotta go, haven’t favorited it yet!
Also, love how Braeburn appears in her dreamscape. Just MORE.