Young Love
I always felt so alone. Living in Canterlot as a Pegasus was never easy, even if we had a good life. My parents always gave me free roam of Canterlot because I haven’t learned to fly, and it is always safe. For my age, I am a freak. My parents talk about me when I am not looking. They say things like, “He should be able to fly by now, let alone open his wings.” After they would talk, I would look at them, I would try to open my wings, but I feel nothing there. I have always tried to ignore it, moving on to other things.
The greatest part though of living here is this one filly. I never asked her name, mostly because I see her up in the higher district. She is the prettiest shade of lavender. Sometimes I watch her trot along with her little books, smiling. She always seems to have her face buried in a book, but I know what lies inside; The most beautiful filly in the world. I remember one night when she was out at twilight reading as usual. As the moon rose, and twilight was near an end, the stars seemed to come down and caress her with their light flowing into her mane. She didn’t notice, but the light seemed to ripple through her mane as if she was an alicorn of the stars calling upon the stars grace. I stare at the sight as the light of day vanishes, and the Mare in the Moon rises and at the little filly of the stars. She captivated me in no way I could have thought possible.
The sparkle around the filly vanishes, ignored by her and I look up at the moon, with the same shape in it that has been there for nearly one thousand years. I whisper, “Thank you for this night. It brings so much to me. Only through the day ending can I see the beauty of her. I don’t know her name, but without your night can I find time to think of her or see her. Thank you.” After thanking the Mare in the Moon for bringing the night, I take my leave from the Upper District.
Moving from the rooftop, I slink back towards my house thinking of her sparkling in twilight. Moving through the city, the lights begin to turn on, and I think of dancing. Pausing for a moment I look around almost feeling a song coming on, but I stop myself before I start to sing. That was close. Singing never seems to end well with me, always causing hours to pass by in the blink of an eye. I want to make today worth it.
The streets were still empty, and I tried to avoid the sight of guards, for fear of being caught past the curfew for fillies and colts my age. I know they would drag me home for sure this time of night. While my parents may not mind me wandering around, they won’t be so happy to see me with the guards dragging me by the ear home.
My house wasn’t much compared to some of the houses of Canterlot, but it was home for me, especially since I spent so little time there. I jumped off one of the chairs onto the awning and into my open window. I quickly called to my parents, “I’m home! I’ll be in my room.” I move towards the bed, only desiring to think of her. I lie in bed, thinking only of her, and how I miss the sight of that first magical encounter. All I can do is think of her, no matter where I am. I think, I don’t think I will ever forget that moment… for my entire life. I would forget my first flight, anything but that moment.
For hours I laid there, thinking of her, but the thought comes to me that I don’t even know her name. I… I don’t even know her name. I have been in what was surely a magical moment, and yet I barely know her. I have only seen her from a distance… I need to talk to her, even if I get kicked out of the upper district. Just the chance to ask her name and I will be happy. I have a plan, and I will finish it! Finishing my dialogue with a hoof pump, I lie in bed. I try to sleep but it evades me with the thought of the light of twilight, and the subsequent sparkle that came with the filly. I lie awake, dreaming of a filly I barely know. You know, it almost seems odd. I don’t know many fillies, but the ones I do know seem to either pale in comparison or are simply… I don’t know. There just doesn’t seem to be anything…
Morning came slowly for me, but it wasn’t so bad, because of what I could do today. My room looked the same, if a bit duller and the light shining through my still open window almost taunted me about being away from twilight, where everything was better. It didn’t help that the light in the morning always shined in my eyes. Things seemed greyer after my encounter with her though, giving my room a much duller, bleaker feel to it. The light shined on a poster, but I didn't bother with it. All of it seemed meaningless now that I know a filly like her is in the world. The pursuit of other desires, a cutie mark, all of it worthless compared to knowing her.
I moaned, moving out of my bed slowly, trying to process how my day will go, and trying to get rid of the glare in my eye. Fortunately, today was Saturday, and she would be up in her usual spot reading, as she does every Saturday. I would be able to go out, and possibly say hello, if she takes her head out of the book, and everything will be right in the world!
I collect myself, and move down the stairs, saying to my parents as I move towards the door, “I’m going to be going out. I’ll be back soon okay?” Expecting to hear compliance or silence, I was surprised with her news.
“Alright Vanilla, but you will need to take a raincoat. Your father says there is a rainstorm coming in today, and it won’t be pretty.” I stop, and move to find my raincoat.
“Mom, where is it? I don’t remember where you put it.”
She replies coolly, “It should be by the door in the hidden closet, as usual” Her voice echoed throughout the house in response to the silence on my part, as I dawned in realization that we kept the coats in the hidden closet by the door
I continue to stare thinking, How did I not notice? Of all the things… I say, “Thanks mom! I’ll be back whenever!” Before she could complain I had grabbed the coat and was out the door. The light was dimmed as a large cloud flew overhead, turning the sky grey and dark. I noticed that yet again, ponies were sticking to the edge of the road or gone altogether. Feeling it was my chance, I rushed towards the building that would get me to the upper district. I spotted a couple of guards along the way, but I hadn’t done anything so I was fine.
Pretty soon, the buildings became grander and larger. I smiled at them, thinking about her and how the two can’t compare in her favor. Eventually, I reached the building that would get me in. Jumping on the old cart, up onto the patio and finally the roof, I jump for the wall. I looked below, and for a moment I felt my wings begin to spread. I look back and see the approaching wall, and my wings grow tighter. I grip the edge, and pull myself over. The moment of exhilaration was over.
I looked towards the classic tree with the little purple filly. She was still there. My moment had arrived. I jump off the wall, and dash for the tree. Along the way, I trip on a small stone, my combo ending abruptly. I look and see she still hadn’t noticed. I trot towards the tree. I begin shaking with being near her. I stutter as I try to introduce myself, “H-h-hi. I’m Vanilla. What’s-s your name?”
The filly looks up for a moment, her face burning into my eyes with her grace. She gives a cute awkward smile and replies hastily, “Oh, umm… I’m Twilight Sparkle.” She quickly looks back into her book with a small blush.
Our moment was interrupted with a small splash on my face. I look up and the sky had darkened to a deep grey. The splashes increase and Twilight gives me a worried look. “I have to get home so these books don’t get wet!” She moves towards the edge of the canopy when it begins to pour. Her frown deepens and she adorns a look of disappointment “Now I will never be able to get this book home without getting it all wet."
I look at my raincoat and towards Twilight. I think for the briefest moment, and make my decision. “Take my coat. You can use it to protect yourself and the book. Just promise to come back for me, okay?” The tear seems to disappear as her smile grows and I feel something embrace me from almost every direction. Recovering from my shock I see her hugging me. The embrace was so much different from anything I have ever had. It wasn’t the gentle embrace of my parents, it was deeper. I smile, a tunnel forming around my vision as she races into the rain towards her home. Blackness begins to take me from the tunnel and I can only feel falling. I can hear the faintest whisper of thanks and my name. I say in my mind, I think she knows my name. Darkness followed shortly after as I drift into sleep. I don't know what took me at that moment into the darkness from the tunnel, but it was a fitting end to our meeting, and this day cannot have gotten any better.
I knew that I could go off to bed safe and soundly with the knowledge of her knowing me and thanking me. I wake up and see that the rain had stopped. I feel slightly cold, and I look down on my hooves. I see that there is nothing there, and without the warm embrace, I feel… cold and empty. I notice a note lying there on the ground and begin to read it with earnest, hoping it was Twilight, “Vanilla, thank you for the coat. I came back, but you were asleep so I left you be. Have a nice day. From, Twilight Sparkle”
A smile begins to grow on my face as I bring the note into a tight embrace, and close my eyes. On the note I could almost smell and feel her, as if we were still together, in that moment I dare not forget. Pulling myself away, I look at where the sun is, and decide to take my leave. I keep the note with me, and I see the sun is moving towards the horizon.
The tree quickly fades into the distance as I move away. I scramble up the stairs and look out over the Lower District of Canterlot. Even being the lower sector, it stood in all of the glory of the capital of Equestria. The buildings rose like small towers, dotting the mountainside with their bright colors, their lavish features making each more desirable than the last.
Dropping down to the same building, I let out a breath, and the gripping against my sides drop. My wings almost droop, and I look back at them, and begin to flex them. I think to myself, I… I… I can flex my wings!’ A smile spreads across my face and I run towards home, containing my excitement.
The buildings whiz by as my wings begin to flap, increasing in intensity, increasing my speed, and the tunnel comes yet again. This time, the color changes from grey and white to vanilla and violet. The swirling colors spun faster and faster until the abruptly stopped at the front door, the tunnel fading to the sides of my vision before disappearing completely.
I open the door, and peer inside. My parents aren’t standing in the front door, so I decide that I will surprise my parents. I continue to smile at the thought of finally being able to fly, and tell my parents. I raise my wings, and gallop into the kitchen.
The shock in their eyes was clearly present. I yell, “I finally did it! I can finally feel my wings!” They adopted smiles and they move to hug me.
They reply, “We have good news then honey, we are moving to Cloudsdale!”
In that moment, my world was ruined. I begin to cry, and try to keep a smile on my face, and unfortunately succeed. “I know son, I’m happy to. Just think of all the things we get to do! You will finally be able to fly. We will be staying one more night, and then we will be off.” For the rest of the night, I kept smiling. It wasn’t whole hearted, but I kept it, the scar of the biggest shock of my lifetime.
In that moment, everything changed for me. My mind was a screaming mess whirring about trying to think of something to say. In the end, my mind failed, and I could only stand there awkwardly, crying and smiling at the same time. My father enters the conversation, “Wow, it almost seems like you want to leave more than we do. I mean, I know there aren’t many pegasi here, but… at least you can fly now champ! Look honey, our son finally managed to do it! I told you he would be able to, even if we didn’t raise him in Cloudsdale.”
I look towards the left and right of my parents, and my fears were confirmed by the large boxes, and how almost everything was missing. A small cake, which was meant to appease me, was laid on a makeshift table. All of this was still soaking into an already broken mind, unable to fill the deepening gaps made by the hideous earthquake of this situation.
My mother speaks, “Yes, you were right… Well, at least you can make new friends right? See the Wonderbolts, and all sorts of other things.”
I continue to stand there, utterly silent, before uttering, “I-I-I’ll be in my room. I need some t-t-time by m-m-myself…” I walk awkwardly along, moving up the stairs, the frozen smile on my face thawing, bringing the inevitable flood of melted tears with it. My bed, being my only other friend greets me warmly as I move to hold it. I look at the small note, which is now covered in tears, and the smell replaced by my own sadness and salt and hold it. I hold it until the paper becomes rags in my hooves and I can hold it no longer.
I think of Twilight, and how I will no longer be able to see her, and that perhaps today was our last day together. For hours, I spend only on this thought, crying unintelligibly towards both my pillows, and the destroyed note on my bed. My eyes pass over a post card from Cloudsdale when a moment comes to mind. I abruptly stop my crying, wiping a foreleg over my face to wipe away the tears and think, I can use this… I can tell her where I went! Yes! This is perfect! Scrambling for something to write with, I eventually begin after getting the quill and ink, ‘Dear Twilight, I sent you a postcard because I wish you were here, signed Vanilla’
Eventually, I crawl into bed, with the smile still on my face. I think of my time, and an idea comes to mind. In the night, I can leave Twilight a note. My full smile returns, and I look for paper around my room. I begin to write a note on an old empty postcard from the tourist shop in Cloudsdale. I write, ‘I sent you a postcard because I wish you were here Twilight, from Vanilla.’
I jump out of the window and move through the night. The buildings didn’t matter to me, even in the splendor of the night, the buildings didn’t look any better. There was only the goal.
The building isn't a match for me, nor the vigilant eye of the guard who would stop me from getting to my destination. Each of them fell swiftly to my determination, whether the building being climbed, or not being caught by the guard. The tree was in sight, and I took my chance. I placed the small postcard on the tree and whispered, “Thank you for everything.” I kiss the postcard, and leave to go home.
The walk back was uneventful, the lights flickering. This time, however, the song coming on was melancholy, something like a piano playing, an unknown myriad of instruments going about their bridge to the verse again.
Time passes, the move happened, and I arrived in Cloudsdale. My wings grow stronger by the day. I see a couple new fillies, one who has a rainbow mane. She is pretty, but her beauty isn’t anything like that of a vanilla twilight, let alone Twilight. Her friend, Fluttershy talks with me a for a while, before being dragged away by the rainbow one who was muttering something about ‘icky colts’. It hurt, but I barely knew her so her words were a hollow pain, short-lived.
I lay in bed after another day. I look out at the horizon and see the twilight. The sky turns light blue, just as it had before when the stars came down. I look around the empty room adorned with various posters and knick-knacks from Canterlot and Cloudsdale. I think, I may be surrounded by these objects... but this room is still empty without someone to share it with I sit and watch as the sun sets and the sky turns deeper, towards a cream, then vanilla, my favorite color.
I dream of the possibilities. Us whispering together in the sunset, watching as my time and her time mix. Turning from a vanilla to a sparkling night. The silence around me isn't so bad though, but without her presence or even her smell, I feel empty. I look at my hooves, and see that they might be a perfect fit for hers. I think, were we meant to be together, forever in twilight? Most of the other fillies seem silly or odd, but she was something special. It’s not like I will see her again though, we’re so far away from Canterlot in the city that never stops.
I think of how we can be together again, even if only to express myself to her. I look at the sky, and think of flying there. No, flying hasn’t felt the same. The sky doesn’t feel right. When I think of her, I soar, but otherwise my wings are so heavy… I must see her! I’ll take my raincoat in case it gets wet, and I can get to Canterlot no problem!
My coat feels weightless as I move to jump off Cloudsdale out of my bedroom window. I feel fear for a moment, but I think of Twilight and the fear disappears. Rather, it makes me think of how to jump. If I remember correctly, I think we are flying over a place called Ponyville. It should only be a two day trek to Canterlot from there.
My speed increases as I fall, unlike anything I have experienced. I fear my speed, and I try to slow down by angling out. I succeed, and slow back down to a gentle speed. I’ve never liked flying fast it never feels right, maybe that is why that rainbow maned filly seems so odd to me. I always prefer to go slower, and enjoy the day I land near the town, and watch as the night darkens to a deep purple, and the moon makes itself known on the horizon, quickly moving towards its zenith.
Moving through the town, I see so many different things. A strange house made of candy, an odd building that makes me think carousel. I move through the town, and lights begin to turn on again, like the night I said goodbye. It feels so different here. I almost feel happy by being here… Not like Canterlot. Definitely not. Maybe I can come back here some day, but first I need to get to Canterlot.
Time seems to whir by as I move closer to my goal, my thoughts only on her. I gain scuff-marks on m coat from various things, whether a bramble or dirt. The occasional downpour seems to clean me though, so it isn’t so bad.
After leaving Ponyville, I moved through a forest. It was odd, the trees were misshapen, and eyes seemed to glow on the edge of the path, daring me to move closer to them to find out what they are. My determination kept me strong however, and I pressed on through the night. By dawn, I was beginning to feel tired, and I needed food and water. Something in my mind however, told me to press on… and so I did. Time passes for me, and the mountain with the castle becomes larger, so do my needs. My eyes feel light at this point, and I begin to feel woozy. My mouth is dry, my stomach rumbles, and my legs ache. I continue to move through sheer force of will, and the thought of seeing Twilight again. The forest becomes plains, which only extends my journey, and strengthens my resolve. Finally, I reach the hills, which quickly turns into the path up the mountain to Canterlot. After walking for nearly two days, I finally reached Canterlot. My long journey was nearly at an end. I could rest, and then I could look for her, but not before reaching the tree in the Upper District.
I saw so many wondrous things in my trek, but they didn't appeal to my taste so long as I am not with Twilight and so I didn't stop to marvel in their glory. The city grows ever larger until I am at the front gates, the wall towering over me. I see this as my chance, and I trot into the city. The guards are busy with some strange looking pony who is brown and seems only to frown. His ears certainly aren’t like a pony, and he has an odd tail… I can't make out what they say, but they seem to be unhappy with his cart for some reason. After using the opportunity made by the strange pony, I move through the lower districts, which haven’t changed much, save for the different face on occasion. My raincoat hides who I am, and eventually the old building I used to climb was there. The music returns as I walk the streets.
By the time I finally reached the tree it was twilight again, and I was hoping to see her there, only seeing emptiness. The tree looks so much greener than I remember, and I climb into it, hoping to surprise her when she comes. I think of the past two days, and how I was always moving. I haven’t slept for two days and I don’t regret it. I… I yawn, and I begin to find repose from my travels and weariness. I’ll just rest for now… maybe I will find her in the morning.
I sit in the tree branch, watching the night turn darker, thinking of her, and how I could sit there all night because when I think of her I’m not alone anymore. It seems I think of her as many times as I blink. I embrace the silence around me as I sleep…
In my dreams, music begins to play. It almost feels melancholic, only being the strange beat, and the melody feels sad. I look, and see that the music flows around a twilight sky, lighting up the cloud like Celestia’s mane. I see that the music continues playing, and I look upon the scene, and know This is my final resting place, isn't it? Eternally in vanilla twilight, with this song to remind me of her... I almost can't think of a better place.
The light of day comes again, this time with the sunrise, causing the sky to turn and slightly darker than her purple. I see her moving along in the grass, following some adult ponies, and decided to see her when she comes. Forgetting that, I follow her until she enters an odd building, and I see her enter a room with a small cart. Hiding from the adults, I watch her try to do something to the egg. Her eyes drop in disappointment, and a burst occurs from behind me. I look back, but not in time, only to see the entire sky turn vanilla white. I turn back, and see that her violet eyes had turned brighter, and bolts of purple were shooting everywhere. I focused on her eyes, which had turned a pure white, when the tunnel came back. I felt something for a moment, and my wings felt lighter. My flying was finally free…
The tunnel shifts from vanilla to that and a swirling violet, spinning oh so fast, taking my vision. I don't hear anything at this point; doubtful anyone was calling, for I could only feel the tunnel, which was spinning faster and faster. The music started up again, at its peak, slowly winding down as the tunnel spun faster. Where I was going I didn’t know until the world became pure white and I lost myself. My final thought was of how I wished I could show her this, this light… I wish I could go back to when we first met, and how her this, to be here with me in infinity. Of everything in my life, there are only two things I won’t forget. This light, and more importantly, her.
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I am sorry unnamed user for failing you. I have done wrong in your eyes, and therefore, have failed myself. What can I do better?
At first, I was afraid that this was a stereotypical OC self insert being shipped with one of the mane six. But it was different, which is good.
Here's a few comments and criticisms. I hope it helps.
Watch your verb tense. You started in past tense and then switched to present. Pick one and stick to it.
There are some instances like these examples where you repeat a certain word several times in quick succession. Don't do that.
Why do you have random thoughts in single quotes? The quotes are entirely unnecessary. The whole story is a series of the narrators thoughts, so there's no reason to set aside thoughts in quotes. Most of these fit in the story just fine without the quotes.
You use this word far too often. It's all over the place, and it's almost never necessary.
This was rather startling. I'm not sure what you were trying to get across with this line. It's rather creepy.
This is excessively dramatic. It's just a book. it's just rain. "Oh, darn," Twilight said. "I guess I'll have to wait for it to stop raining." Yeah, Twilight is panicky, but this seems a bit silly.
So he passes out when she hugs him? Was that to imply fainting? When people faint, they regain consciousness fully in just a few minutes. It would make more sense for him to just decide to take a nap there because it's raining and he's tired. Then he can oversleep as needed by the plot.
Your moment to be dramatic is when Vanilla's parents tell him that they're moving. Dive into his feelings there. You moved through that section way too fast. I'd describe it as a gold vein that was uncovered but not mined. All the ideas are there, you just need to explore them.
My full smile returns
He wrote a note to himself. Fix that. I'm sure you meant Twilight.
Well, this sentence is a mess. There's a few ways you could fix it. It's also randomly in past tense.
Song? What song? How do pianos "almost" play? Also, you need a comma before "however."
Random past tense shift.
A few small grammar errors, and more verb tense issues.
Please explain to me how a room adorned with all sorts of knick-knacks can still be considered empty.
There's some other small issues I didn't bother to put in this comment, like missing punctuation. You should try to find a proofreader who can check grammar for you. The Proofreader Group. There's no harm in having a backup editor.
You said it was a two day walk, and then you describe it as a monstrous ordeal that drives him to his physical limits.
The last two paragraphs are rather rushed and confusing. Slow down and describe things more.
Best of luck with your writing. I hope I've helped. Keep at it.
2582040
Thank you, I will make the necessary changes. I wasn't exactly thinking when I had posted this (especially since I wasn't going through an editor, Scintillance was busy so... I wasn't thinking.) On your other point, I try to be original in my stories as much as I can delving away from the usual or trying to take a new spin on something. I'm relatively new to this 'genre' so to speak and to do something like pair a self insert oc with a main would be wrong for me (Plus, considering my OC we probably wouldn't get along at all...)
edit: also, I have a tendency to forget things on the short term, often ignoring basic things for no apparent reason. I can write a word two or three times (sometimes small phrases) and simply move on like nothing happened.
On the note of drama, Twilight can be a bit excessive, especially when it comes to failure. Perhaps I associated this with her earlier years too much, because she, now that I review it much more accepting of failure, rather dying on the inside of embarrassment. Otherwise, as i stated earlier, I was having much better luck with other chapters, and decided to release it before any real changes could be made.
I am sorry to have released this to your dissatisfaction. But if I may ask, what did you think of the ending? I wasn't so sure of it... but I felt that the dramatic irony that appeared earlier was better played.
edit again:
I move towards the bed, only desiring to think of her. I lie in bed, thinking only of her, and how I miss the sight of that first magical encounter. ‘I don’t think I will ever forget that moment…
With that part, I wanted to express that the character, no matter what he is doing is only thinking of her. I will change it so it makes more sense otherwise, or perhaps find a better way to express it.
More or less, I try to keep any inner dialogue and narrating separate. Given, this is my first attempt at a first person story, I did try to keep narration and actual thoughts of the character separate. after all, a character does not think as if speaking to another, telling them their story.
Once again, I was trying to express something and failed. With the postcard, it was supposed to be signed Vanilla, but I will change that too.
Blah blah, I got rid of seemingly (which was used twice)
Yeah, I tried working with dark just before this so... sorry about the creepy.
Spelling errors... spelling errors... wow I really don't seem to notice these (I probably have a few in this comment)
On the point of the walk, this is a small child walking for several days from Ponyville to Canterlot. He isn't getting any sleep, food, or water. It is a bit stressful, as I would imagine. He has no support of any kind.
Also, I usually ask others to say what is wrong. In this case, I didn't run it through an editor, and I have paid the price.
2582083
Unfortunately, because my comment was too long, I felt the need to add a second (However, I do feel shameful that I must pad the comment numbers, along with the same reason I never give a thumbs up to my own stories)
Vanilla is only a colt, and probably a shy one at that (being able to get along with Fluttershy) and so the level of interaction Twilight gives him is a bit too much (that and well, his vision begins to tunnel... but that is probably a magical side effect or something-no-wait! This is wrong! Everything is wrong! I have betrayed myself! Curse me! I broke the one rule. THE ONE RULE! Never, ever use deus ex machina (or at least, my version of it). I ought to simply revoke submission for this horrid breach of my rules!
And... now I feel like a miserable failure.
After finishing this I shall go and sit in the corner because I suck. Wait... I realized... these two dislikes didn't post why they disliked it! Therefore, what they think is irrelevant because they didn't say why, making their thumbs down an unjustified act of disliking. Hooray!
I'm still going to the corner, but is may simply be that ponies don't like the style of writing (that or the story line).
edit:
well, I have cleaned it up somewhat, so it should at the least be tolerable. I have to go to bed at this point, it being eleven pm and all, and there is this spider starting to form inside my computer screen...
I have learned my lesson um...
Dear Prince/Princess [insert relevant name here],
Today I learned a lesson in writing the hard way. My foolhardiness and brashness lead to me posting something before it was edited. This has lead to one pony who was very helpful, but what I would consider very hurtful dislikes. I should have listened to the others, or perhaps waited for my editor to not be busy and rather work on my other projects, like my other two stories which still need serious work. I have shamed myself and disappointed my readers. I cannot think of a better punishment, but also a better lesson than what I have received.
Yours Truly,
Toodle Flip
2582040
This is perhaps one of the most amusing comments I have ever read. Bravo.